Tuesday, April 26, 2011
It is funny, my mom who is a trainer told me to stop doing cardio first and strength train then do cardio. I always had done it that way and when I started at my new gym I switched to cardio first because it is so busy and so hard to get a machine at all. When I think about it I was seeing better results from ST first.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
There are times when you need a kick in the butt. Seriously. You need someone or something or the universe to step forward and say "stop whining and making excuses and get in line lady". Well that came this weekend to me in many shapes in forms. I had good moments of dancing and feeling thin and happy and I had introspective moments of witnessing others struggle with their weight and remembering that feeling. In particular it was an episode of heavy that really hit home. It was about a man and a woman, he over 500 lbs, she over 400 lbs and dealing with their emotional eating issues. She also had a son who at 8 was already obese. I cried through the whole show and then I got up and went to the gym. It made me face down why I am doing this. Why I choose to eat healthy. There is a big difference between doing this because you "have to" versus because you "want to". The want too's will be successful. Life is a choice and we are not victim's of anyone and anything other than ourselves and our excuses. Yes, I am tired. Yes, I am overworked but that doesn't mean I can go back to my old ways. Stuffing candy in my face and justifying it by saying "oh it is ok, it is a one time thing" is total BS. Emotional eaters all know that it is never a one time thing and if we continue to make those excuses and seek solace in food, well it is just a matter of time before the weight comes back on. Today I woke up and felt, like me. Finally. This past month I felt like Alice falling down the rabbit hole clawing at the walls but I kept falling. Today, I caught a hold of the side and started pulling myself back out. I don't care how hard this gets I am not going to let myself go back. Not one bite of anything is worth giving up my freedom and my self esteem. Nothing.
Friday, April 15, 2011
It is funny how life has its way of working itself out even if you fight it every step of the way. I was laying on the couch last night, yup, got a few minutes of me time and watched my favorite show Vampire Diaries. I am secretly an angst ridden 16 year old in my heart and Damon is my dream man if I was not already a happily taken woman. So as I was watching all the skinny actresses I realized I have stopped beating myself up. This is a pretty new thing. Last weekend I tried on a lot of clothing and not once did I have the thought "You are so gross" or "Nothing fits because you are so fat" or "I hate my body". This is literally a first. Yes, I have my issues. I have saddlebags now which I never had before oddly enough. I think they are a result of my skin deflating now. My stomach really bothers me the most but I am considering spanx. I didn't want to go there for day to day but I am starting to think if it makes me feel better than I should just try it and see how it works out. BUT I do not have those horrible negative self destructive thoughts anymore. With each outfit I put on I was able to be objective and realize that just because I like a trend or want something to look good on me, it might not, and THAT IS OK! The best part was accepting that it isn't my fault they don't fit. It just happens and shopping is a difficult task for everyone. It is about finding a designer or two or three who cuts clothes for your shape and sticking with them. It takes effort but as I have started to appreciate myself more and more it has become enjoyable. I also learned that I am better to not go shopping on days I am already feeling down about something else because old habits die hard and I don't want to slip back into attacking myself. Even these past 3 weeks I have not been freaking out over what I ate or a fluctuation on the scale. Those numbers are not me as a human being.
I am strong, intelligent, and determined.
I am a good person who goes out of my way to help other people.
I am creative and artistic
Babies and animals are obsessed with me, seriously, I can't go anywhere without someone's dog following me around the house or their cat sitting on my head or their baby staring at me with wide eyed fascination. People comment on it all the time lol.
I am going to help people in the future with my food. People will see healthy food can be affordable and taste good.
I like me and that is something I never have been able to say before. Now, don't feel bad for me. I believe life is a learning process and to truly change you have to make yourself uncomfortable. You have to ask the scary and difficult questions and be honest with yourself. As long as you continue to do that than you will succeed. Stagnation is the destroyer of progress. Keep moving forward even if it is an inch at a time. Give up the excuses and strip yourself down to the core. Don't be afraid. Nobody will judge you harder than you already judge yourself and in the end you are the only one who matters. When you do all these things you will find that it is easy to change. Daunting? Of course. Impossible? Not at all.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Well, there it is. I have hit my first serious road block. I am just, tired. Tired of working too much, tired of not having enough personal time, tired from literal sleep deprivation, tired of counting and logging and tracking etc. I have pulled back from SP because I don't have anything left to give to anyone else. I don't feel it is right to continually ask for support that I can not reciprocate at this time. Close to 3 weeks this has been going on and I tried to push through and keep with it and in some respects I have and some I have not. I have made some poor food choices but at the same time the voice in my head has continued to say "that eating this or that is so not worth it". For example last night I got home after a 14 hour day and was starving. I debated Burger King for all of 3 seconds and but I just couldn't bring myself to eat it. The thought literally made me gag actually. I am proud of that. I am proud that even at a very low point I refuse to compromise and eat chemically processed garbage.
I have completely stopped running. That should make my 5 K in 3 weeks interesting. I have still been strength training and doing the elliptical. My mind and body are just a mess and I need to get out of this rut. I am not looking for advice, please don't tell me how I have to do this or that and I need to quit my job etc. I know what I need to do, sometimes the brain just needs time to catch up and process this kind of frustration. I haven't gained weight back and I am working on maintenance which makes me happy. I decided last night that what I am seeking is balance. I like to work and that is a good thing. I got my first huge reference book for my business this week and started reading it this morning and I am excited. The chef's at work are already starting to try and discourage me but I am not listening. All my life people have tried to shut me down and I have had enough of it. No more negativity people, sheesh. Yes, they can offer me good insights and I am listening to their experience but I am going to do this. There is a need for the return of good wholesome food. All of us on here are tired of the factory produced garbage they sell at chain stores. There are people like us willing to buy it! I am sure of it.
So here I sit this morning on a cliff. Do I jump or do I be scared and retreat back into the land of obesity. You should all be proud of me because I jumped. I logged my breakfast and made healthy choices and today is a new day. Nobody puts baby in a corner.
EDIT: I am not saying I am quitting. I don't know why people read a single blog from someone and make assumptions. This is about one moment in a lifetime of good health and fitness. All I am asking is before you lecture someone about clean eating or how they live make sure you actually know something about the person and how the live day to day.
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