Wednesday, March 23, 2011
My day started awesome because I landed a big party for a big higher up at big name university. He is leaving and becoming the CEO of some other big name place so they are throwing him a huge, lavish party and apparently he has very high standards. I had to turn around a proposal in a few hours and I managed to beat out 2 of the larger catering companies and landed the event! I am pretty excited because events like this are when I get to be super creative and do new things and that is what I enjoy. Both of my bosses were pretty excited about it as well.
All morning I worked on the 20 page self review I had to turn in in preparation of my formal review Friday morning. I wanted to be honest and objective. Imagine it is one of my blogs, yeah that is pretty much how open I was. I was not negative. Just direct and to the point. I asked my friend who is the HR manager to read it all over and tell me what to take out and how it all read. She told me she was really proud of how candid I was with my responses and actually suggested a few things that I should add that she felt they were doing wrong and a few good points about me that she felt they deserved attention be drawn too. I am proud of the answers I gave. I don't believe in lying to keep my position. She said she felt that if their intention was to fire me they already would have done it and not dragged it out this long.
I gave it to my boss and she was rude. Complete 180 from this morning. This morning she was nice and supportive the way she used to be. This afternoon back to rude. I really don't get it at all. One of the questions I had to answer was about my mood day to day. I snorted when I saw it. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!
I am working on accepting that I can not control the outcome of this meeting and that I just have to do my best not to get upset. I know the truth about the situation and how they react is not anything I can change. I am hoping that they will approach this as positively and professionally as I have. We shall see.
The level of stress that I have felt this week is pretty close to what it felt like to get divorced. Can't sleep, can't eat, constant gnawing in my stomach, heart palpitations. I had to force myself to eat 800 calories so far today so far. Good thing I am having beef for dinner and can get my calories up into a reasonable range. I am just not hungry. Funny part is I am not losing any weight either. I thought with how little I have interest in eating this week that I would have the pounds just peeling off me. Nope, the scale mocks me each morning with the same number. I know it is all stress induced.
My mom sent me the sweet card today with a check for a new special outfit to celebrate 90 lbs lost! It means so much to me that she would do that. I have officially lost more than anyone else in the family not that I am happy that is an award that needed to be won. I will make it to my goal in the future and I will not be going down this road again. She asked me what would I do if could do anything. It hit me. I love to cook. Always have. I would love to own this great little coffee and lunch place with great quality food. The jobs that made me happiest in life were when I cooked in a kitchen during my teens. I need to follow my bliss or I will continue to toil in the corporate drone for the rest of my life. I am not going to look back and think "why did I waste my life?" If I lost this much weight I sure as heck can find career that I love. I am worth it.