I can't stop crying

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I hate feeling this way. I hate going to work and being miserable. I am tired of the only way I am spoken to is with condescention, accusations, and distrust. I am tired of nobody at work communicating and then playing the blame game to cover their own butts. I am tired of them gossiping and being negative and then trying to blame it on someone else. I am tired of my boss taking out her moods on me.
Today she attacked me over why I hadn't done some expense reports. The way she spoke to me was like I was mentally slow and she was so condescending. I asked the other woman in my department and she had not done a single report either but nothing had been said to her. I came in the morning to an email attacking me about another report that I had sent before I left. She hadn't bothered to check her email. All I got was a "disregard my other email". No sorry that I attacked you and flew off the handel. How is she can behave this way I am the one who is negative? Last night her husband called me and basically accused me of not caring about my clients because I didn't send out enough flower arrangements for our company promotion. Forget nobody told me about the promotion until the flowers had to be ordered right then and there. Why not just ask me what happened? Forget that after that he went to one of my events in which my client literally raved about me for more than 2 hours and she is going to book 100K+ christmas party next week. That I am the only person not given house accounts. That I have never been given a sales goal or any form of expectations except "sell more".
I am at a loss. I am at a loss how someone can actually stand there and blame me for all of these things and never step back and think. Hey maybe we should do some investigating before we attack and accuse her all this garbage.
I am not looking for anyone to fix this or even give me advice. I know I need a new job but they don't come easy or quickly. All I can do is send resumes and wait. Blogging is better than bingeing. You don't have to comment I just had to get it out. Thanks for listening.

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Sometimes I still feel like I am 300+ lbs but I am beating it

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

My buddy HOLLYS-DOIN-It and I were chatting about this very topic earlier today. Both of us still have moments of insecurity that bring us right back to that place of feeling like we did when we started. The supermodel-look-a-like is the produce section. The size 000 in the fitting room. For me it is crowds of people. I always felt like I was a bull in a china shop and that I always knocking into things or people. Like my butt had a mind of its own. There was a deep sense of shame in it for me.
There was this particular takeout place that A and I used to frequent before we moved and it was literally a hallway with a few seats on each side. If you want to order and wait you have to just kind of squish in. Whenever we went there I was SUPER conscious of my size because people would have to squeeze around me. Forget that they also only speak spanish so they already were looking at me like I was lost until I started speaking to them and they realized I could communicate. I always felt like I extra stuck out in there. We went this past weekend and as we were waiting I squished in next to A while we waited and I realized I don't take up any more than a normal share of space and that he and I together actually only occupied one seat. I must have been smiling like a maniac because I realized that these moments of feeling normal are happening more and more and the moments of feeling insecure are happening less and less. When the insecurity does arise I am making an effort to face down that fear and make sure it doesn't come back. Being fat does not make me less of a human being than anyone else. By being afraid we are allowing people to treat us that way. Be proud of who you are "nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent"~ Eleanor Roosevelt.

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Amazing Doctor Visit and Good Day!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Saturday's are always busy for me and my honey. It is our only day off together and there is so much to do! This morning started with a visit to the doctor who hadn't seen me in a year. When she saw how much weight I had lost she was very excited for me and noted that when she had seen me last she had recommended weight loss and was thrilled to see I had kept at it and we chatted about sparkpeople. Last year at that time my blood pressure was 140/90 and borderline hypertension. This year it was 110/64!!!! No more blood pressure risk! She was thrilled but I was ecstatic! This is just one of the amazing non-scale I have experienced along the way. I have to admit, when my blood pressure was so high back then it scared me. It scared me a lot and it was enough to really motivate me. I was 32 and was close to needing medication. I felt like I was old and out of shape and I knew that I was at a serious risk. There was no way I could have a baby in that state. I was at risk for strokes and blood clots and I was DOING TO MYSELF. I alone was to blame. Every time I get affirmations of why I am doing this like seeing my vitals go back to normal it makes that fire inside bigger. You can have these kinds of moments too. Just keep plugging away, even when it gets hard. Those are the moments that matter the most!
After getting the great news we went healthy food shopping. Yeah baked miso salmon and homemade vietnamese spring rolls for dinner (like a salad all rolled up). Walked around Target for a bit and then went to the gym to workout. I love when he goes with me. The best part is I kicked his butt on the elliptical. I didn't point it out to him because I didn't want to make it about competition but I was still proud of myself. He is in much better shape than me. Then we both did our own strength training and now we are waiting for the salmon to cook and then have a nice dinner and my 1 glass of wine a week! MMM healthy food and wine. Have a great weekend friends.

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Score: Gym 1 Laziness/Bad Day 0

Thursday, March 17, 2011

This week has been pretty soul sucking and since I don't eat my stress away anymore it tends to make me tired. As in I want to go home directly from work and sleep until tomorrow kind of tired. Today I decided how to handle the ugliness of my work situation by A. actively looking for a new job and B. realizing that my boss is miserable and there is nothing I can do to change that situation so I am going to continue to be the person that I am until I find said new job. That person is polite, does her work, and behaves in the professional manner that I always do. Yes, I can get outraged and I often do but the reality is I am not going to sink to her miserable level. People who have also been abused in the past understand that we tend to try and people please to try to make anyone in our lives who reminds us of that person stop. FYI it doesn't work. My girl MADEMACHE helped me see that today. Making excuses for my work situation and working harder is only enabling a person who is abusing her employees. Removing myself from this situation is the only option. That being said I have to cope until that happens.
When I left work today I just wanted to go home and lay down. Seriously. I had every intention of skipping the gym. Like I did yesterday. As I was driving home I hit that fork in the road where I either turn towards the gym or continue a few feet to my house. I just couldn't let myself go home. Letting myself get out of shape is not going to solve my problems and I know that if I start to lose muscle it will really affect my self esteem in a bad way. So I went. I stopped making excuses and I went and I worked out hard and I am SO happy I did. The elliptical today was like therapy. Usually I listen to music and get a bit bored but today I was so caught up in my own thoughts about everything and the global crisis on the news that before I knew it I had torn up 5K in around 32 minutes. Go Ashley, It's your birthday. (no not really and if you don't get the pop culture reference ask me lol but don't send me any birthday goodies ). It was exactly what I needed to get out of my own head and just get back in touch with that primal feeling you get from physical exertion. So if you making excuses this week to not eat right or not workout because you are stressed think of me and STOP IT. No problem is worth sliding back into old habits.
I have to address the not stress eating thing here too. It is weird. It feels weird to not have this desire anymore. I wish I could tell you what specifically it was that caused it and if I ever figure it out I will enlighten you. It just isn't there anymore. The desire to binge isn't there anymore. There is something inside me that whenever I think I want to eat it just talks me down. Something to the effect of "Ashley, you aren't even hungry and you know that will make you feel gross. So stop it." The desire to get healthier overrides the desire to eat. You can to this point too. The more you are able to cope in other ways the more it will become habit. You can do this too. Make it happen my friends.

Oh yeah and even though I hate St. Patty's Day since all of you showed me so much love today. Happy St. Patty's Day!

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Re-evaluating my weight loss goals

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Onto the happy blog! First I want to say to all of the people who read and commented on my halfway blog. THANK YOU, seriously, THANK YOU. I can't say that enough. You all said the most kind, touching things to me and brought me to tears so many times. I can not express how much your support means to me. How big of a part of my journey it is for me. No matter how bad I feel. No matter who blows me off in my real life. You guys are here for me. I would not have gotten here without you. Sparkpeople is the one factor that is different in all my other weight loss attempts and I truly believe it is the big push to make me successful.
Last night I called my mom to tell her about my blog and we talked about the rest of the weight I want to lose. The plan, how I feel about how much I have lost, etc. I am 1 pound from losing more weight than she did 8 years ago and she is so proud of me. She asked me what my goal number was and it is 2 pounds less than she weighs now and she is 3 inches shorter. She weight trains a lot and weighs 175 pounds. Coincidentally a spark friend brought up the same topic with me. That maybe my goal weight is too low for my frame. I picked 173 because that is the high end of my healthy weight range but I am starting to think that is unrealistic. I had my frame size evaluated and I am large framed based on my bone structure. The closer that I am getting to goal the more I am realizing that this is less about a final number and more about a feeling.
I want to be in good shape and have great muscle tone.
I want to be able to run a 10K.
I want to be able to fit easily into none plus size clothes.
I think I will know it when I get there.
I have decided to raise my minimum weight limit. Yes, it will still be clinically overweight but I have accepted that for me I just don't fit into the medical communities one size fits all guidelines. This journey is so very personal and I can't let someone else decide for me based on a chart what is healthy and what makes me happy.
Don't me wrong. This isn't about staying overweight and making excuses. It is about being healthy for the sake of being healthy and not just fighting myself to reach a specific number. I don't want to lose 160 pounds and feel like I failed because I didn't hit 173. I think that is when people are in danger of quitting and regaining. So, I am changing my ticker tonight and let's see where this goes.

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