Thursday, March 24, 2011
I have always made myself get more stressed than necessary. It is a family thing. We all imagine the worst case scenarios so we can be prepared. I find it so annoying. Work started early for me as usual. Such a busy week and tomorrow I have the big meeting and have to go on a site visit with a client so I will have very little time in the office. My bosses came in early, rare for her but not him, and had a meeting about me. I know this because he called and asked me to email him another copy of my self evaluation. I put a lot of careful thought into my answers and I stand behind all of it.
It was interesting because I was fully expecting to get fired but I don't think so anymore. When I came in this morning she boss had left my password to my computer on a post it on my desk and it had upset me. I know it is her computer and she can do as she pleases but I don't like that kind of general distrust. I did not mention it to her or any of my coworkers because it would not be professional but it did upset me. One of my sparkfriends pointed out that if she has to look that hard for things to criticize me about than I am doing ok and I think that is a good way to look at it.
No I do not think she reads my blogs and I am not worried about it. I know she does not know about sparkpeople or my blog. Certainly not my screenname. I am going to continue to be open about my life without fear. Fear kept me trapped for so long and I am done living that way.
Back to my point. Well she was her typical strange self all day but my guy boss was all over me about my clients and asking me about events he wants to book for the summer and wanting me to call them etc. Not fishing for info. More so just trying to get business. If I was being terminated he would have just ignored me and had someone call my clients on Monday.
The HR lady was off today and we are buddies. She texted me and told me if I was being fired she would already have been told so I needed to settle down and get a good nights sleep tonight. She did not feel this meeting was any different than any other standard review. I am going to try and take it all at face value and relax. Relaxing is hard for me. REALLY HARD.
KARVY09 wrote a good blog today, I am too lazy to post the link, about dreaming big and fearing success etc. It hit home for me. I have always wanted a bigger life. Never happy to be ordinary. Ordinary scares me honestly. I have always wanted adventure and to live a life by my rules. This whole thing has made me realize I am not a corporate type. I need to get out. This is not about my bosses, they are not all bad, just can be very difficult. This is about my general misery with being chained to a desk and feeling unfulfilled. It is time to branch out.
I don't know how to become a paid writer and this would be my dream job. It is so many people's dream job. How do I stand out? How do I get paid to do it? I know how to open a restaurant, I just need to raise the capital. Many people start very small. My bosses now started as a tiny café with 3 employees. I will make these things my reality. Baby steps.