Tuesday, March 15, 2011
This is the first time I actually wrote out a blog before I put it on SP. I usually fly off the cuff, write it and publish it right away but I felt this one deserved more forethought. The middle of last week I reached my halfway point. 86 lbs lost and weighing in at 259 lbs. When I got on the scale I just knew I had reached it and when I looked down my stomach flipped and I saw 258.8. I had done it! Funny thing is that there are milestones that we all dream about when we start, no matter what weight we start at, and halfway is one of the biggies. Probably second only to reaching goal and slightly edging out the going under 200 mark for many of us. Starting out at 345 lbs I remember crying to my fiancé and telling him I just could not imagine ever being thin and halfway seemed impossibly far. However, I never let the idea slip away. The hunger inside me to be healthy kept me going and truly after I lost the first 20 I never doubted that I would get here. Maybe it would be slower than I would like but I would get here. I had imagined that I would sob uncontrollably. It was very surprising that although I was reasonably happy and smiling like a fool I felt a bit numb about it.
Later that night I called my brother who has himself battled the same 60 lbs up and down his whole adult life and I told him how I was feeling. What I love about him is he is as honest and direct as I am and he said “Ash you look truly amazing and I am really proud of you. It is ok to be happy. When you are unable to be happy and celebrate your progress that is when you cross over from a healthy lifestyle to an unhealthy obsession and can develop an eating disorder.” His words were very powerful for me and I knew he was right. I had earned this and I deserve to let myself be happy and celebrate. That moment was a big wakeup call for me because I decided to stop truly punishing my body. I have paid enough for letting myself get out of control and I don’t have to pay for it anymore. I am not the fat girl I used to be. This is the person I always was and was afraid to let out.
My brother had asked me how I was planning to celebrate. I was going to tell him with cake with snicker but then it got me thinking about rewards. Rewards were something that when I set out to start losing weight I thought they would motivate me. I carefully planned out each reward and its special meaning. You know how many I actually bought? 1 and it was about 3 months after I got past 300 lol. I realized as the weight started to come off that to me all the amazing things I was gaining such as flexibility, endurance, stamina, mental toughness, and happiness where enough of a reward. Material possessions are nice and who doesn’t love to shop when you keep getting smaller???!!! But the thing is now I don’t need stuff to make me happy. I filled the void in my life with so many things, shopping, food, alcohol and none of it ever truly made me happy. Just tonight I realized I can flex my triceps and you can REALLY see it and victories like that happening daily are what makes me happy.
I have thought a lot about where do I go from here? Well, I keep going down :). Mini goals work best for me and I am currently 1 lb from 90 lost, 6 lbs from my lowest adult weight since I was 18 (this is another huge one for me), 11 lbs from 100 lbs lost, 51 lbs from weighing less than my fiancé and 56 lbs from being in 1-derland! It is funny how when you have already lost close to 90 lbs another 50 doesn’t seem so overwhelming. The pictures that I am going to post following really tell so much of my story. As I looked at them I realized I was truly so in denial of how large I had gotten. We could not believe it as we looked back at the past and there is a person in these photos I hardly recognize. The best part is the ones at the end that I took this past weekend at 257 lbs, size 16/XL top and size 20 pants. When I started I was 345 lbs and wore a 3X shirt and a 30/32 pant. I am 5’10”, I always wonder that when I see people’s progress pics.
I was in pretty serious denial this was how I really looked.
I felt amazing that night and this is truly the first time I didn't rip apart a picture of me right away.
I love how my arm looks in this one. You can see some real muscle tone!
The best part of this is that now I am truly living my life, not just existing. You can do this too. Maybe you are reading this and thinking you can’t imagine getting this farther either, well think again. I was there too and it was difficult, just ask me if you are curious. I never gave up and I will not quit until I am at a place that makes me happy. Don’t wait until you have another 20 lbs on or another 50. I wish I had dealt with my issues before I let myself get to almost 350 lbs. It is never too late to start. I put this paragraph on my SP page about a week ago and I think it articulates my situation rather eloquently. “Since I joined SP what feels like a lifetime ago I have changed pretty significantly. I have learned patience, perseverance, tolerance and humility. I have learned that I am stronger and more powerful than I ever could have imagined and that I can accomplish anything. I have learned that failure only happens if you allow it to happen. Your life is what you make it and being healthy is a choice you make everyday. I choose me.”
Monday, March 14, 2011
This past weekend was a nutrition challenge for me and I will be honest and say I was nervous about it. We went to 2 different restaurants for 2 different birthday celebrations and I was scared. This past week was so good for me nutritionally and I didn't want to undo all my hard work in just 2 meals. That being said I also don't want to be such a food nazi that I can't enjoy a nice meal out with my friends. My game plan was just use the knowledge I have and order something I knew would be one of the healthier options on the menu and eat a normal portion. Luckily the Argentinean steak house we went to had smaller "gourmet :)" servings which made me really happy because it was what a normal portion should be. I limited myself to one glass of wine and we had a fabulous time.
Saturday was sushi night and since sushi is generally healthy I wasn't stressed out. I don't pick anything with fried stuff in it anyway or rolls with tons of mayo and other unhealthy ingredients so other than eating more rice than I normally do it was all fine. I had bought a special shirt for the occasion and I was feeling like I looked really cute. In the past one of my sparkfriends had mentioned to me that she was surprised after losing quite a bit of weight that none of her shoes fit anymore. I discovered I have this issue this weekend and luckily had bought those new snakeskin print pumps so I rocked those and was feeling pretty awesome. I will post pics of me in my big milestone blog tomorrow. The sushi was absolutely delicious and my fiancé was really happy. They seated us in one of the private shoji screened rooms and it was nice to have our own private tiny room for the entire meal. We had an octopus and oyster appetizer, both delicious. The sushi itself was so good. I like nigiri better and he likes the maki rolls better so I ordered a mix of both and he devoured all of it. It was really cute. Then we went to Finale (dessert and coffee bar) and got espresso's and a single cupcake to celebrate. The cupcake was too rich for me, which is a total first! I had a few bites but that was that. These 2 meals out really opened my eyes to how far I have come since I started. Even when I give myself permission to eat what I want I choose the healthier options and I am naturally practicing portion control. Another first!
Yesterday I went shopping alone, I needed work pants and I just wanted to see how clothes are fitting me these days. I went to Lane Bryant because they were having a huge sale. I didn't see a lot of things I liked but I grabbed some pants, a few shirts, bra's that I had no intention of buying but I was curious about my size and a dress that caught my eye. The dress was AMAZING! It fit me perfectly. I looked tall and sexy and curvy which is a first for me. Seriously. However, at close to a hundred dollars I decided I wouldn't wear it enough to make it worth buying. I was a bit sad but I got to enjoy the feeling of how good I look and that was awesome in and of itself. All of the shirts were tents. It was actually funny and I realized I have out shrunk LB tops for good now! The strange problem I have now is I am too small for most plus size stores but too big for most regular stores. This tween place is a strange one and I hope to be out of it soon so I can shop in average size stores entirely.
I found one pair of pants that looked really good. Problem is that it fits perfect and when I asked the girl at the counter if they would stretch she looked at me and goes, "I don't think a lot, I guess." Gee, thanks for the help. I also snagged a hoodie on super duper clearance sale for $7. Score. It was an 18 and is a bit big. This is what brought on the comment from fiancé that I need to stop buying clothes a bit big and buy the one that is a bit tight. When I go to the store I still look for a size 28 and it is hard for me to wrap my brain around being a 14/16 or so in tops and an 18/20 in bottoms. It is also strange for me to be 257 lbs and wearing sizes most people wear in the low 200's. I guess one of the advantages of being really tall is weight distribution. This weekend was great affirmation of how far I have come. Saturday night we were looking over pictures of me from that night and I said "I finally like pictures of me but I don't feel like I am that different in my head." My fiancé pulled up old photos of me from the beginning and it was visually shocking to me. It was the first time I truly looked like a before and after success story and it made me cry.
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