HEALTHYASHLEY   20,544
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HEALTHYASHLEY's Recent Blog Entries

Good Spark Day-Finally working out for me

Saturday, July 10, 2010

It has been ungodly hot all up and down the East Coast this week and Boston was no exception. It was hard on me all week considering the A/C in my office does nothing and we are right next to a kitchen. I think I looked a fair bit wilted all week! I was happy this morning when a storm front moved in and it finally cooled things off around here and I headed off to the gym, healthy lunch packed. My mom works there so I always visit her on Saturdays since she lives about an hour from me and otherwise we wouldn't have any face to face time. Plus being as she is a trainer I like to get her advice on working out. I brought my nutrition binder with me as well so I could get an unbiased opinion on my eating habits. Yup, I am a dork. I print out all my food reports and keep them in a binder. It helps me to see patterns in my behavior. The big thing we noticed is my protein really went down in my second week of SP. Hence my low calories and stalled weight loss. I am really excited to have a better idea where I am going wrong and hopefully a way to bring it back around! My mom has also shared the frustration of needing to eat more and it was nice to have her understand how I feel. It still scares me but I am going to try!
My workout was awesome. I did some strength and core training and 50 minutes of cardio I split between cycling and incline walking. I love the cycling but I don't want to get my body too comfortable with one specific thing so I try to do some cross training. When I was cycling I had an epiphany. This is the first time in my life I am working out for me and loving it. I great up athletic. Three sport varsity athlete since my freshman year of high school. The problem was I never was doing it for me. I did for my family because they wanted me too. Sports were important in my family. It was not an option to not be athletic. I think that feeling of not doing it for myself stayed with me my whole life. Like working out is a chore to be hated and begrudgingly performed. To I realized when I am working out it the only time I feel free. No problems, nobody needs me for anything, it is just about me and I love it. I was in a car accident at 18 that left me in a back brace for 6 months. Ruptured 2 discs in my lumbar vertebrae. I don't tell you this for sympathy, I tell you this because I let too much of my life go by because of fear and depression and anger. I gained 60 pounds in those 6 months and I can tell you it changed me. Now I realize I have to let go of that block and do this for me. Not because someone in my life wanted me to like I have so many times before. I am so excited to have found my love of physical activity finally.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRIP2HAPPINESS 7/10/2010 11:20PM

    Sounds like a great week! If you can enjoy working out, you can do anything! lol emoticon

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NOT2LATE2BGR8 7/10/2010 9:58PM

    It sounds like you are doing wonderful. I'm so glad you're learning to love working out. I never knew that I loved strength training before. I still hate cardio, but I love the feeling when I'm done! I hope I learn to love that.

I don't think you're a dork for printing off your nutrition tracking, I love it! What a great way to see the differences in your diet trends in regards to your weight loss. I'm really excited to check that out for myself!

Keep up your hard work. You are doing so good. I know we don't know each other that well yet, but I feel all proud reading this blog anyhow!!!

Brandice

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EVESRUN 7/10/2010 9:44PM

    Congrats on your weekend epiphany! It's great that you are doing not only what is best for you but that you are doing it because you want to, not for anyone else. Thanks for the inspiration and keep at it!

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Your scale could be lying to you

Friday, July 09, 2010

I know I tend to have a live and die by the numbers on the scale attitude and I am sure many of you do the same. This morning after weighing in and seeing only a .4 lb weight loss this week (yes, some is better than nothing) I decided to look into how accurate my scale really is. An article I found was pretty interesting. I think we all know the basics. Weigh-in first thing in the morning, no clothes, not on a carpet etc etc. The facts that resonated with me were as follows. Hormone levels can affect weight on any given day. Even if we are eating well and stuck to our plan the numbers on the scale will not reflect all of our hard work. Secondly, and this is my favorite, considering that a pound of fat requires 3,500 extra calories consumed for you to gain 2 pounds overnight or even over 2 days would have required you to consume 7,000 EXTRA CALORIES in that time period. Considering how unlikely that is most likely there is some other unseen factor at work.
As I have mentioned before I am a numbers person and this made so much sense to me analytically. It helped me to see the scale more as a guide and less like my executioner. I decided to focus on making sure I am eating enough protein this week as well as staying in my calorie range and start having a more healthy view of food. Last night I went out to dinner with friends and I had a wonderful healthy meal and it felt so great to not be obsessed, good or bad, with every bite.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMACUBA 8/5/2010 6:26PM

  Another thing to consider is that scales have a shelf life. If your scale is old, and the analogue kind with the little wheel in the window, it's probably time to change it.

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MISHKALA 7/11/2010 11:47PM

    Thank you for this blog entry! I'm in the same boat as Ginny1215!! I hate this plateau. I've been getting bummed because I'm so fixated on the number on the scale not moving, or moving up because of water weight and my monthly cycle, despite my efforts of exercise and healthy eating. Thanks for the dose of reality! emoticon

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PRETTYBLKGYRL 7/10/2010 11:48PM

    I swear I'm obsessed w/ my scale. Sadly, I weigh in EVERYDAY. & under "normal" circumstances I don't let the minor day to day fluctuations bother me. (because I'm aware of the factors that may interfere with the scale) But when TOM comes around (& when he brings his despicable friend PMDD) they wreck havoc on my psyche. I go into worse case scenario mode & I begin to re-live every bite & sip I took the day before. & the sad thing is I KNOW, I KNOW BETTER!!! But still during that "certain time" I let those stinking numbers get inside my head & play mind games emoticon



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MADDEELOU 7/10/2010 7:57PM

    I am glad you are coming to terms with the scale. I use it as a guide but am really trying not to let it rule my life. Most of the time, I know what it will say before I step on based on how I have been eating and how I feel. Sometimes it surprises me and the next day it is usually back where I think it should be.

Thanks for sharing the information.

Keep Sparking!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/9/2010 6:20PM

    I know I've just started my weight loss, but I'm guilty of only measuring my success by that number on Monday morning. Thanks for bringing it back into perspective!

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GINNY1215 7/9/2010 6:02PM

    After a month on a plateau I needed to be reminded of all of this. Yes, I am guilty of daily weighing but that is just one of my many personality quirks. I do not let it ruin my day when it does not move. However, after a month of hard workouts and eating healthy, when it still has not move I have been getting frustrated. I am familiar with tricks for busting a plateau but needed reminding of all the fun facts shared by everyone for fluctuations, etc. Thanks everyone for sharing.

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GINNY1215 7/9/2010 6:02PM

    After a month on a plateau I needed to be reminded of all of this. Yes, I am guilty of daily weighing but that is just one of my many personality quirks. I do not let it ruin my day when it does not move. However, after a month of hard workouts and eating healthy, when it still has not move I have been getting frustrated. I am familiar with tricks for busting a plateau but needed reminding of all the fun facts shared by everyone for fluctuations, etc. Thanks everyone for sharing.

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GINNY1215 7/9/2010 6:02PM

    After a month on a plateau I needed to be reminded of all of this. Yes, I am guilty of daily weighing but that is just one of my many personality quirks. I do not let it ruin my day when it does not move. However, after a month of hard workouts and eating healthy, when it still has not move I have been getting frustrated. I am familiar with tricks for busting a plateau but needed reminding of all the fun facts shared by everyone for fluctuations, etc. Thanks everyone for sharing.

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MSILVER94 7/9/2010 4:49PM

    YES! I need to keep reminding myself of that...I have actually had to cut down on weighing because it wouldn't make sense sometimes and just ruin my day! No more! I/we have to be reasonable about it...like you said is there anyway we ate 7,000 calories the night before? lol nooooo. lol

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4EVERADONEGIRL 7/9/2010 4:42PM

    AWESOME!! My mantra has been "thank goodness I am more than just a number on the scale"! Way to go on analyzing it and realizing that yeah - it's not likely you are consuming 7,000 calories in your sleep! LOL

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EASTCOASTIE 7/9/2010 2:06PM

    This was great. Thank you for sharing. I have been guilty of being attached to what my scale was reading and I have to realize I'm changing alot of my unhealthy habits and that counts for more than what the scale is saying!

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JULIEN* 7/9/2010 1:41PM

    And don't forget, a pint's a pound. Just drinking one glass of water can add a pound onto your weight. The important thing is not a specific number, but a downward trend. : )

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NOT2LATE2BGR8 7/9/2010 1:22PM

    Great post! And really great compared to how you were feeling yesterday. Glad to see one of us is being logical! So, huh, maybe starting my period last night is accountable for some of my weight gain?! You and the others who responded told me tons of stuff I don't know. Like, I had no idea that your muscles soak up water when your exercise regime changes. I've totally revamped that this week. I am doing way more strength training than I had been. The scale started moving slower at the same time that I adjusted my workout schedule. Anyhow, I just wanted to say thanks for the info as well as for responding to my blog. We really do need to stay in touch as we work our way through this!

Brandice

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HEALTHYASHLEY 7/9/2010 1:11PM

    You guys are right. I did not list all the facts in the article but they did include sodium, exercise, as well as general water retention as causes.

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ARCHIMEDESII 7/9/2010 12:56PM

    The scale totally lies !! And for more reasons than the article listed. If you strength train, you may notice the scale goes up after an intense workout. Why ? your muscles soak up water like a sponge when they've been worked intensely. This is perfectly normal. Your muscles will release any excess water they don't need once you've adapted to your new routine.

You'll retain water if you eat foods that are high in salt. Ever notice the scale goes up during TOM ? Most women do tend to gain weight during their menstrual cycle. Is this a fat gain ? Nope... it's nothing more than a temporary water weight gain that passes in a couple of days.

The scale is only one way to measure your success at being healthy. Remember, the scale can't tell you how many push ups you can do. It can't tell you how fast you can run a mile. It can't tell you what your blood pressure, blood sugar or cholesterol are. It can't tell you if you're sleeping better or have more energy.

All the scale will tell you on any given day is what your bones, muscles, body fat, water, breakfast, last night's dinner, blood, waste products weigh. that's it.

Yes, it's important to maintain a healthy weight, but people have to realize that there really is more to good health than a number that stares at us from between our toes in the morning. If your blood pressure goes down, but your weight doesn't, your doctor would still be thrilled.

I tell members to find other ways to measure their success if the scale seems to be stuck. As listed above, there are many things that can effect a number on the scale. I can easily gain 3-4 pounds in a day. is that a fat gain ? Not unless I ate an extra 14,000 calories and even then... it's pretty impossible to gain 4 pounds of fat over night. it just doesn't happen.

The scale definitely lies. I've stopped using the scale. If the doctor wants my weight, then I'll get on. Otherwise, what's important to me is how fit I am.

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-- karen

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STEPHP75 7/9/2010 12:43PM

    emoticon for sharing all those facts. I would have never known any of that...so thank you again. I'll have to keep all this in mind the next time I weigh in...

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SKYWATCHERRS 7/9/2010 12:13PM

    You are absolutely right. There are many factors that influence your scale weight, and many of them have absolutey NOTHING to do with your body fat.

Vigorous exercise - causes a gain because your muscles soak up water and blood like a sponge. Not fat.

Diet high in sodium/processed foods/packaged foods - this causes water retention. Enough said.

Irregular bowel movements/constipation - can account for as much as a 4lb gain, so make sure you're getting lots of fiber to keep things moving.

Any change to your workout or nutrition regimen - causes a slight upward shift on the scale as your body starts to accept the new changes. Not a fat gain.

Being female - Women can see a 3-5lb fluctuation every day/every week from hormones and fluid shifts. Not a gain in fat.

Also - not getting enough sleep and being stressed out about weight loss, work, relationships, money... this causes a spike in the stress hormone called cortisol. It tells your body that you are in some kind of crisis, and the body reacts to crisis by not burning as much fat or as many calories. It starts to conserve energy instead of burning it because it thinks you will need all your fat and all your calories to survive your crisis. So make sure you are dealing with stress really well and don't freak about weight loss!

Keep up the great work!

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LBEEKMA 7/9/2010 12:04PM

    Thanks for the info. I live by that scale number - sometimes weighing 2-3 times a day...how crazy is that?!

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ANGEL7912 7/9/2010 12:01PM

    thanks for sharing those facts. Didn't know any of that. I stopped weighing myself for 9 weeks because I was getting so discouraged. so I decided to do what you are doing and that is just focusing on my eating and calories burned. It has worked as far as keeping me motivated and not wanting to just quit because I haven't seen any movement on the scale.

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Not eating, Not losing, Not happy

Thursday, July 08, 2010

So apparently my life is a practice in extremes. I am either eating anything and everything in sight like a damn goat or I am a mathematically inclined food nazi militantly measuring and portioning my food and tracking every bite. The first half of my first week on SP I was pretty relaxed, just making better choices. I lost 7 lbs. This week I have been an insano person afraid to eat anything from "old lifestyle". I even spent a few hours looking up all the old food I used to love and scaring myself with what they contain. 1 pork rib has around 600 calories and 50 grams of fat? Ummm, no wonder I got this big. Anyway, so when I peeked at my weight this morning I have lost 0.2. No, not 2 lbs, 0.2 lbs. What the eff. I have been eating around 1000 calories a day and I am not starving myself. I am full and satisfied. I am at such a loss for what to do. I used to eat too much and was fat. Now I don't eat too much and I stay fat! Grrrr. This is so annoying. I decided to look up some more calorie dense but still healthy food I could work into my eating plan. Even annoyed I will not give up. I didn't learn to eat poorly in 2 weeks. I have to give myself more time to find a good balance with eating healthy as well.

  
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ANGEL7912 7/9/2010 12:04PM

    Don't have too much to add since everyone else has said it all. I will say this though- keep going and don't give up your hard work will pay off. I'm going through the same thing right now and continue to find new ways of measuring progress. emoticon emoticon

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BAYBELIEVER 7/8/2010 12:09PM

    I too just went through this and can tell you that as strange as it sounds, you likely need to eat more. It seems VERY IMPORTANT to stay in those calorie ranges suggested by Spark once you put in your fitness and calories burned (or just let Spark figure it out). I was feeling like I was going nowhere and when everyone here said I wasn't eating enough, I couldn't believe it. But, it seems that if you drop too low on your calories then your body says, "Hey, you are starving me, and I won't have it", so it stops burning anything. I went and was honest with my fitness goals and calories burned and then tried very hard to hit the calorie range and not be below it. And it worked! So, all I can say is...try it for yourself. Give yourself a week and trust the Spark! Just be honest in what you eat (obviously you are doing that) and what and how much you work out. Then make adjustments as needed. Crazy! I had to add in a Kashi TLC bar in the morning right after my walk and I even added in no-sugar added fudgesicles at night as a treat (70 calories in 2!!). Good luck!

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TWISTEDKIKI 7/8/2010 11:56AM

    I know this feeling, it's such a tug of war! It's hard to get into a routine too, as workouts differ daily and sometimes you need a down day. All the adjusting and counting and planning gets tedious to say the least. It's also frustrating and discouraging to feel like you've eaten well all week and hit the scale to see...nada. Stay postitive, it's part of the journey! I would definately say eat a small portion of complex carbs, like whole wheat or brown rice at lunch. You'll get the energy you need and surprisingly, you're body with thank you with a loss. Crazy!! I wish you luck and success! emoticon

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MADEMCHE 7/8/2010 11:42AM

    Totally understand. When I first started I couldn't hit my calorie goals either. Was eating 1100 calories and feeling really full. But now I am eating 1400 calories a day and I am losing. My range is 1300 to 1600. I am exercising alot and I need the food. I have found that more meals throughout the day has really helped me get my calories where they should be. If I only eat 3 I do exactly the same as you, eat until I am full and then stop but it isn't enough. So if I have a snack in the afternoon and a little something after my nightly run it works really well for me. You can do this. If you are really strict on everything you eat and only allow yourself fruits and veggies you will crash and eat crappy things. I only speak from experience. If I let myself have a little treat each week, or even something super small each day it seems to work for me.

You just need to see what works for you. This is a long process, it takes time. Any loss is a good one. 0.2 is great, congratulations!

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TYCA41458 7/8/2010 11:30AM

    Hey Ashley! I know exactly what you're talking about... it really seems to go against everything in you to eat MORE, but I've noticed a trend in myself doing exactly what you're doing. I'd lose 5 pounds one week, then figure I need to maintain that loss, and go under my calorie range several days out of the next week, and either gain a half a pound or only lose a minimal amount. I'd go back to following the guidelines, and I lost another 4 pounds. I'm figuring out what works for me, and I think that's what you're doing too. Eat until you're full, and then, if needed, have a snack later on to catch up on your calories. (Twizzlers is a favorite little treat I'll give myself if I'm under by 100 calories or so!)

Good luck to you on this balancing act and finding your own path!

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HEALTHYASHLEY 7/8/2010 11:28AM

    Thanks! This sounds weird to say but I think I am eating too many vegetables so I fill up too fast. Maybe I need to cut the veggie portions down to a more normal level and then I will be hungry for the more calorie dense foods.

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MADDEELOU 7/8/2010 11:18AM

    Don't lose heart. You can do this. Remember, it is a lifestyle change, not a diet. You are treating your body with the respect it deserves. It will respond!
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HEALTHYASHLEY 7/8/2010 11:13AM

    I am aware of the starving myself, don't eat under 1200 calories guidelines etc. I am just not hungry. SP says I should eat 1600-1900 calories a day to lose weight. I know all the rational reasons etc but it just seems so counter intuitive to keep eating if I am not hungry. That is what got me in trouble in the first place. I guess I am afraid if I am too relaxed I will slip back into not caring and that scares me. Thank you everyone for the thoughtful responses! It is nice to have so many people care enough to help me.

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NOT2LATE2BGR8 7/8/2010 11:03AM

    Last year I went on a diet eating 900-1200 calories a day. I lost 8 pounds and could not lose one more pound than that. I was not eating ENOUGH to lose weight. I am eating 1200-1500 calories a day now, staying within the recommended guidelines for fats, proteins, and carbs and have lost over 18 pounds in six weeks. That may not seem like a lot to you if you lost 7 pounds in half a week, but it's working and I'm loosing steadily. I know how it is to want all the weight gone and right now, but please be careful! You're probably not hungry because your stomach has shrunk, but that doesn't mean your body is getting what it needs.

If you are eating too few calories you will ruin your metabolism. Also, it's not something you can maintain over a long period of time. As soon as you increase your calories your body will think that it needs to hoard the food for the next time of starvation. You will gain back every pound you lost and a few extra for good measure.

I am not trying to be preachy! I have just done this exact thing time and time again. I'd hate to see your efforts not be rewarded, or to see you quit because you're discouraged. Just be very careful! I'd stay within the Spark recommended nutritional goals for the best results.

Good luck,
Brandice

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FIZZYBALL 7/8/2010 11:02AM

    Unfortunately it is part of the journey. I am in the same disbelieve state as you are right now....Thursdays are my weight in days...I weighted this am and lost 0.2 pds from last Thursday. I had ate within my calorie range, drunk water, swam daily and done 2 zumba class within that week. It is crazy...I can not understand it or explain it....but I have resolved myself to "keep on keeping on" because "failure is not an option"...but it is so darn hard :(

But in your case I do believ 1000 per day is too low. I could aim for 1400 per day.

Comment edited on: 7/8/2010 11:10:01 AM

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WICKED-KITTY 7/8/2010 10:54AM

    When you start to cut back on your calorie intake too much your body's metabolism kicks into gear to help conserve energy. It's a natural response. Frustrating? Oh yeah, big time.

This morning I lost a big whopping 0.2 pounds myself. Yeah I don't like to see that little number but you know what I look at it as progress in the right direction. I don't try to get all freaked out about it like I did in the past, I just look at it as a number. It doesn't make me a better or worse person, it's just a number and I will not let it ruin my day.

I can relate to cutting out the foods I love but you know what the more I cut back on that stuff the more I craved it. Then I would get to a point where I would just gorge on everything in sight trying to satisfy that craving. For me I've come to realize that the best way to deal with a craving is just to eat a little bit of what I want.

I love potato chips, I mean I could scarf down a bag if I wanted to at times. Instead I get myself a small bowl of them, close the bag up, put it away and eat only what's in that bowl. I try to take 3-4 bites out of one chip to make them last. Plus I drink lots of water between chips to fill me up. There are times I've gone back for seconds and I felt bad about it but now I tell myself if I'm still hungry for them in an hour I'll have some more. I set the timer on the microwave for an hour and usually when it goes off I don't hear it because I'm off doing something else or forget why I set it in the first place.

Now I don't eat chips very often, they're too salty for me so what was once my comfort food is now not as appealing to me. Start cutting back on the foods you love slowly and replace them with something else you like that is healthier.

Don't get discouraged with the small amounts of weight loss. You'll reach your goal.

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BEARDMUSIC 7/8/2010 10:53AM

    Believe it or not I think you need to eat more. What do your calorie guidelines say on SP? Your body will go into starvation mode and hold on to the weight. It's one of the natural things our body does thanks to the caveman days. I would up the calories to 1400 and if that seems like to many never go below 1200.

Also, I am trying hard not to obsess about food. That has gotten me in trouble in the past. Being aware is excellent, but don't get obsessive because you will get burned out quickly and give up.

This is a journey. It is hard because we want immediate results, but sometimes we just have to be patient and trust that change will come if we keep on working hard. emoticon

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GRANDMAAMIE 7/8/2010 10:52AM

    emoticon emoticonSTAY POSITIVE YOU CAN DO THIS.

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CJJANISS 7/8/2010 10:46AM

    emoticon I even have gains along the way. I lost 9 1/4 pounds last month, but one week I had a gain. My body is trying to adjust to all the exercise and water and better food I've been giving it. I had a 1/2 pound gain this past week again. It's discouraging, I know, when you're doing what you think you're supposed to be doing. But I know, if I keep on going, it will eventually all come off. Just don't give up. emoticon Carol

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SUSABELLA627 7/8/2010 10:45AM

    You have to give yourself more time. You lost 7 lbs in half a week - thats a lot. Your body is probably just catching up. Remeber 1-2 lbs a week is considered healthy!!

Slow and steady wins this race (something I need to constantly remind self)!!

Wishing you much success!!

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ORGOLDENDUCK 7/8/2010 10:43AM

    Hi there.....be careful with the calories....the least amount of calories that this site and other nutritionists suggest is no lower than 1200...your body could be feeling the starvation mode already...and that is why your body is hanging on!!!

Just a suggestion....hope it gets better for you!!!

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Have you noticed everything tastes different?

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

I was standing over my sink last night sniffling after I wrote my heart wrenching blog. I decided to start making my lunch for the next day. At least making something healthy would make me feel better on some level. I have started to enjoy the ritual of packing my lunch. The chopping, the peeling, the planning. It makes me feel more in control of my life. As I was cutting this huge ripe watermelon I nibbled on a piece and it was just stunningly delicious. Almost like I had forgotten what real, ripe fruit could taste like. Only then did I realize how dull my taste buds had become from years of abuse.
I have been consistently under eating since I began spark two weeks ago. i can not seem to get in enough calories even for my low end of the range. I am just not hungry at all and it seems so counter intuitive to eat even when not hungry. I remembered a nutritionist years ago telling me if I was going to eat sugary foods, doing so in the morning was best because I would have the whole day to burn it off. I decided to treat myself to one of the donuts I had decided to give up to see if I could get up in my caloric range and still enjoy a food I had so much in the past. I was surprised by how awful it tasted. Sickeningly sweet with this awful coating over my tongue. The worst part was the awful sugar rush I experienced after. I literally almost had to stop the car to be sick. It was at this moment that I realized this really is going to be a new life for me. My body is literally rejecting the foods that I used to love, that I used to hide from my fiancÚ and stuff in my face whenever he wasn't around. It is so liberating. To feel free.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TYCA41458 7/7/2010 2:58PM

    You are spot on! It's amazing how much you realize things that you've always thought were delicious are really nasty... McDonald's anyone??? You are off to a wonderful start! Keep going!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/7/2010 1:06PM

    Yes, I no longer crave those sweet sugary foods, because the make me nauseous. You really are changing your life! Good foods are good for you!

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EDWINA172 7/7/2010 10:33AM

    Yes! I have noticed the tastes of food more now. WOW. I'm not eating junk. I'm not stuffing myself in time warp speed. I'm really enjoying the taste of taste! Foods that are "good for me" are actually tasting good. OMG...Is it that my taste buds are finally growing up?
Thanks for sharing. Nice blog.

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LBEEKMA 7/7/2010 9:55AM

    I can identify with the watermelon experience. I had 1/2 cup of fresh blueberries yesterday as part of my breakfast. They were so wonderful-something I haven't eaten much of in the past!

Good luck with your journey! emoticon

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FIESTYMARY79 7/7/2010 9:42AM

    What a wonderful feeling to have! That has to feel amazing! Keep up the good work, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job emoticon

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Hello, I am Ashley, and I am morbidly obese

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

I know at the beginning of meetings for addictions they have to admit who they are and what they are addicted too. That it helps the healing process to begin. That is a phrase I have avoiding using my whole adult life. Even as I am writing this there are tears streaming down my face and I am shaking. Afraid of the judgment, of the ridicule, of the shame. Not just what you think but of how much I judge myself. How much I have hated myself all this time. How I have used food to numb myself from the pain of what I am. From the pain of seeing the judgement in someone's eyes when they look at me. The pain of remembering how my family had an "intervention" meeting spearheaded by my grandmother's "good intentions" to tell me I was too fat. How many times did I walk out of a store humiliated because not one thing fit me. How many events did I miss with friends and family because I was too embarrassed to go. I have avoided dealing with this for 14 years. I can not even believe I have been clinically morbidly obese for my whole adult life. OMG I hate saying those words. When I look in the mirror it is hard to remember myself thin. The person I was. The girl who worked out 2 hours a day 6 days a week because I enjoyed it. I can't keep blaming a car accident. That was a long time ago. For the first time in a long time I feel like I have the strength to do this. That I have the support to do this. It is so weird to log onto this site and have so many people instantly understand me. That I feel safe. That I can say this and not vomit from the stress. THANK YOU ALL for helping me. I don't think you know how valuable all your kindness is to others.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIRLI8 7/11/2010 12:12AM

    i completely understand and feel you in this post. and it does feel so good to finally have people who DO UNDERSTAND that its hard to be who we are, when we feel constantly judged. and nobody gets it until they're in the same spot. And i'm learning that no one has the right to judge you but yourself. i thank you for the comment you left me it really helped knowing that its ok to express myself completely

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RAVENSONG37 7/8/2010 10:17AM

    Hi Ashley, I'm Becky and I'm recovering from being morbidly obese. Here's the thing, you are not your obesity and it is not you. It is something you are struggling with, an affliction, a disease...but it is not ASHLEY. Try not to identify yourself as the obesity (it may seem like a grammar lesson, but this was so key for me to learn)...rather see it as a condition which needs treatment. The treatment for this condition is not moral or based on you as a person...it's the same no matter how smart, no matter how rich, no matter what ethnicity or religion you are. The treatment for this condition is healthy choices! You are totally capable of that because you are a beautiful, wonderful human being...you are NOT obesity!

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MADEMCHE 7/8/2010 9:06AM

    Thank you so much for sharing this Ashley, I know how much this topic must hurt you. I am so happy you have found the strength to start this journey and we are all here cheering you on. You can do this!

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SYZYGY922 7/8/2010 12:59AM

    I could have written a lot of this blog entry myself! At about 5 feet tall, I'm barely out of morbidly obese territory. I know all about the shame, embarrassment, and humiliation. Accepting yourself is harder than weight loss in many ways, at least for me. That's something that I will hopefully come to terms with in the months and years ahead. Welcome to SP!

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XTREMEMNCOWGIRL 7/7/2010 11:01AM

    emoticon emoticon I think you wrote a very powerful blog. It takes a very strong person to do that. I know you'll do great. Yes there will be ups and downs along the way, but I know that you'll get there. I'm here for you whenever you need!
~Renee~

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JWOOD635 7/7/2010 8:53AM

    What a powerful blog! Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I know it wasn't easy.

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HAPPYCHICK10 7/7/2010 7:48AM

    No judgement, riducule or shame here! We all need support and have goals to attain...one small triumph at a time. I have to remind myself that I didn't put it on overnight and it won't come off that way either. Hope to see you blogging often!
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PENNYROYALTY 7/6/2010 8:30PM

    you brought tears to my eyes, too. and you've come to a place that is free from judgment and free from all the things that have held you back this whole time. You have made the first step, we are all here to see you get healthier and happier. You CAN do this, this time around!! Today is the first day of the rest of the best of your life!!!

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TYCA41458 7/6/2010 8:23PM

    Hi Ashley! Welcome to SP! You are among so many other people going through so many of the same emotions, issues, and rewards. Keep going! You'll one day be able to say "I used to be morbidly obese, but Look At Me NOW!"

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 7/6/2010 7:45PM

    I'm going to add you as a friend. Feel free to do the same. We are here for you. You have to start someplace... this is the last Day 1 you ever have to have! Isn't that comforting?

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BEARDMUSIC 7/6/2010 7:43PM

    Those family interventions are awful aren't they. My grandmother has been on my case about my weight for years and now I am about to do something about it. You can do it - We both can!!!

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MUSTANG0421 7/6/2010 7:31PM

    Hi Ashley, welcome to Sparkpeople. Start loving and affirmaing yourself everyday. Just tell yourself you are beautiful at every size and in every way. Plan each day and set small attainable goals. You can do this.

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JERRIGREER 7/6/2010 7:30PM

    Good for you!!! You can do this! I have to lose 100 pounds...well 95 now. I am going to think of it as 10 pounds 10 times... it is so much easier to think about it 10 lbs at a time. Find whatever works for you individually and go for it! It is hard to admit that your weight could kill you. However, the fact that you are changing that already is awesome! It matters!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Hang in there!!! You will do this!

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LOSIN4MYSELF 7/6/2010 7:16PM

    Ashley, my name is Alicia and I too am morbidly obese. Saying those words has always just made me want to puke. I just found my motivation on July 4th, and came to the realization that I need to lose 167.7 pounds. It seems daunting, but I plan to take it one pound at a time. Keep your chin up. You are in the right place and you are among friends. emoticon

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-NAMASTE- 7/6/2010 7:04PM

    It takes a lot of courage and strength to say what you said. But yes, you are safe here, as most of us, including me, have been or are where you are. You have already come far and I know you can reach your goals. I am glad you found Spark. I look forward to seeing your success continue. And remember, you don't ever have to go back. Stay strong!

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SUNSHYNDREAMER 7/6/2010 7:01PM

    Hi, I'm Bethany, and I too am morbidly obese, I have 100+ lbs to lose and am diabetic. It does take alot to admit where you are starting from, especially when you first have that epiphany that something has to change. It takes courage to stand up and acknowledge our own faults and to make the decision to change. But with determination, healthy choices and good support you and I can do this. Glad you are here!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/6/2010 6:59PM

    Welcome to SP Ashley! My name is Holly and I too am morbidly obese... You're right this is the hardest thing we have to do... admit to ourselves and everyone around us that we need help. I'm glad to hear you have support and the strength to start your journey. I'm here if you need to vent. Just stay positive!
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LUCKYTRACI 7/6/2010 6:58PM

    You've made the choice. You've decided to lose weight, and it sounds like you're ready. Those moments when you forget why you want to do this, come back here and read what you wrote. It's great inspiration for us all. You can do it! emoticon

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KARENIN1DERLAND 7/6/2010 6:54PM

    I am so glad you are here, and ready to help yourself, like we all are here to do! I, too, was morbidly obese when I first started on SP. I know you can gain your health back, and feel better about yourself as well!
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