Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I have been feeling badly about being stuck at this weight for awhile. When you are stagnant you start to find your flaws again and the negative self talk starts to creep into your psyche. At the beginning of SP I was losing weight so quickly that each and every day was a new discovery for me. I still remember feeling my hip bone sticking out and panicking because I thought it was a lump. The joy of seeing my rib cage again, the loss of my double chin, collar bones. Each and every NS victory kept me going. Then it stopped. I started to notice how saggy this place was and how my saddle bags looked more pronounced. Blah blah. I am not going to go there and list all of neurosis because that is giving them power. You get my point.
Sunday I made my triumphant return to the gym and the elliptical queen has retaken her thrown. I added back in my abs and back routine and it is funny but I SWEAR I already look like I lost a size. When you combine the clean eating with the working out. I look smokin and skinny. In fact, a guy at work today told he was surprised I drink so much water. I said "well I used to be really fat and this is part of how I am not now" (there is no sugar coating in Ashley's world) He looked shocked and said "but you are so skinny now I can't believe it." Honestly, I wanted to kiss him right there. He used the S word.
It got me thinking about the old me. The person who got winded at the mall. Couldn't even walk up the stairs to my apartment. Who could barely sleep at night I was in so much pain. I forgot her to cope but I need to remember her a little so I can be proud of myself for how far I have come. I barely look at before pics these days and I need to sometimes. I showed a few people at work and they couldn't believe it was me. It isn't just how different I was on the outside but for me it is how I have changed on the inside. Loving myself, is the most valuable thing I have ever learned and it is how I am successful. So, I say to all of you. When the going gets tough, and it will, remember how far you have come and how you are never going back. This life is too awesome to give up. My goal is so close. I am almost half way there!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Today was the day I broke my exercise drought. FINALLY. I talked about it on here, I talked about it at home. Last night I was talking about it again and my fiancÚ stood in front of me and looked me in the eyes and said "Honey, enough, you can do this. Stop telling yourself you can't because we both know you can. Now do it." He is not usually this verbal. Generally he is a pretty quiet guy and the directness and frankness of his words surprised and quite honestly impressed me. He is right. Enough excuses, just go. So this afternoon I packed my gym bag and drove him to work and then headed off to the gym. I managed to get myself so worked up I gave myself an anxiety attack in the car. It has been years since I had one and this one was bad enough it felt like I was dying and I just kept going. I knew what it was and what it was about and although it is horrible to experience I refused to let it beat me. I pulled into the parking lot and sat outside the gym thinking of reasons not to go in even playing solitaire on my phone. Not one of my finest moments. Then I just went in. As soon as I was in the locker room the anxiety stopped and the athlete came out and I was ashamed I had let myself behave so ridiculously. I missed the feeling of the gym so much and the adrenaline and excitement took over. As soon as I hopped on the elliptical I was off and all the endorphins kicked and I totally over did it. Apparently I thought I was still in good shape and I worked myself until I almost threw up. When I got to that point I got on a bike and did intervals and then an extra long cool down until I didn't feel sick anymore. I did abs and back work for my ST and my abs hurt so much right now it hurts to laugh but its a good hurt. I am so proud of myself I could burst.
This whole experience got me thinking about the idea of I want to vs I have to. I think that is the big key to this whole experience essentially. PELESJEWEL left me a comment that really hit me hard when she said that for some people the exercise part of this is easy but they struggle with the food and others like me have an easier time with the eating and a harder time staying motivated to workout. IT IS SO TRUE. The diet part of this for me is honestly pretty easy. When I read about people who list their food for the day as something to the effect of low fat cinnamon rolls for breakfast, a lean cuisine for lunch and takeout for dinner it really freaks me out. I just choose to eat as little processed food as possible because it is just healthier and it isn't hard. I just don't buy it. I measure and weigh everything. When I gave up soda I never thought about it again and it isn't even a consideration. Now please don't think I am looking down on people for eating processed or drinking soda. I think we all make our own decisions and what works for me doesn't work for everyone else. The point I am making is that mental part of what I eat was the easier thing to tackle because I WANT TO. I actually enjoy healthy food and healthy cooking and I get personal enjoyment out of seeking out new cooking methods and foods I haven't tried. It is a hobby.
Unfortunately for most of my life I treated working out as a I HAVE/NEED TO kind of thing. By doing so I stripped any and all possible enjoyment of it. I played sports because I was good at them and my family wanted me to but the training part of it I saw as a necessary evil. I never engaged the workouts as much as I could have. When others on the team would be wanting to do more conditioning I would look at them like they were crazy. Now, I wish I had back those moments of bootcamp and having team mates to push me. The most success I have had in the past regarding losing weight have been the times when I worked out for me and did it because I liked it. I looked forward to it. Just 2 months ago I was in that place again. I felt strong, powerful and in control. My moods were more even and I woke up feeling great every day.
As I sit here right now I am coming down off that work out high (you know what I am talking about) and I want this feeling again tomorrow. This is it, I found my happy place again and boy did I miss it. Tomorrow I am working out not because I have to but because I want to.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
for the first time since I joined SP. It was not my primary but the girl doctor kind (sorry guys, TMI) but part of getting healthy is getting your yearlies and I want to talk about BABIES. Yes, it scares me to say that. See, I finally feel like I am at a good place in my life and ready to start thinking about it but it scares me, a lot. Especially when I see the women in my office and what they go through. I am the only one over 30 who doesn't have kids. It is a small office so its not like it is a ton of ladies but 2 are single mom's with 3 kids. We are all friendly so they chat with me about how difficult it is to be a single mom and a parent in general.
I am scared I will screw my kids up. I will make mistakes. I will be a yeller like my dad. I am scared to give birth. Honestly, it sounds like the most god awful experience on earth. After seeing my grandmother go through her lengthy illness it did help me to see that I do want children. I do have these romantic idea's of family holidays and grand babies some day and all those wonderful things. Just watching my fiancÚ with kids is enough to make you ovulate. Seriously, he is like a baby whisperer. They adore him and he is so patient. We agree on most general parenting ideas such as religion and discipline etc. However, he has a serious need to be liked so I am worried he will make me the bad guy. I have discussed it with him and he agree that we would be a team. I guess there is no point in worrying myself sick but I just am an obsessive person so there really is no point in telling myself to relax.
This was the first time I saw this lady and she was AMAZING. Unfortunately she isn't an OB/GYN or I would see her. She was shocked by my 80 lb weight loss and we talked about SP. She said she totally was going to look it up and start recommending it to people. WHO SPREAD THE SPARK? I DID I DID. She said it is so rare to see people lose that volume of weight and be so committed to it. I was beaming and she made me feel awesome.
So I need to add a calcium supplement and folic acid. I need to continue to improve my blood pressure. It has dropped 10 points since the last time I saw the doctor. All looks good. We laughed about how I am 2 years from a geriatric pregnancy. Lovely term.
I realized how much better I feel about me this visit versus in the past. I used to get so stressed going to the doctor because I knew the lecture was coming. You are fat, blah blah. I knew it and didn't want to hear it. Period. Now I am thrilled to talk about my weight and lifestyle :). It is exciting to see your dreams come true and how easy it is to achieve them when you are healthy.
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