This blog hit me while I was climbing around on the battleships mentioned in my previous blog and thinking it was a good thing I was no longer super size or I wouldn't fit. One thing I have noticed about my friends who are "naturally" thin is that they practice really good portion control. Wasn't it with the advent of the super size menu that we became a super size nation? As portions at restaurants grew and the ability to super size everything we have lost all perspective on what is a normal portion. When I was at my biggest I always ordered a large. The large burger, the large iced latte with extra caramel, etc etc. I would eat an entire appetizer and an entrée in a restaurant.
So this is my plan for being better about my portion control. I am going to eat the size I want to be. I have completely given up fast food be 1) it is a nutritionally devoid wasteland and 2) I am all set with eating food products treated with things like ammonia to make them edible for human consumption but keep them super cheap. However, in the restaurants I do choose to eat I am no longer going to let them decide for me what goes in my body. I have also found that no matter how hard I try to cook for 2 people I always cook too much food. It makes me insane to throw food away so I am going to start finding creative meal options that can go for lunch the next day as well. It is amazing how much easier healthy eating is when you make the effort to be creative. Last night I made oven baked homemade chicken nuggets in whole wheat panko and steamed asparagus. It was SO good that I wouldn't even want to eat those frozen chicken paste nonsense in the freezer section.
My food scale is also my best friend. As I was packing lunch for today I decided to weigh my chicken breast as it looked kind of huge to me and it was 7.6 ounces! Where the heck do we grow chickens that big???!!! It freaks me out I can't even find small chicken breasts anymore at the store. I only buy organic chicken (do a little research into chicken farming and you will spend the money too) and they are still enormous. I also went out and bought tupperware that is pre-portioned sizing which are awesome. The range from 1/2 cup to 3 cups and they make my life SO much easier when packing lunches. The only thing I find difficult is whole grains as my fiancé refuses to eat them and it is pretty much ridiculous to make a half cup just for myself after doing all that work. I will have to experiment with freezing cooked portions and see how that goes.
Well now that I have rambled for this whole blog, my original point was this. You have control over the food you eat and the size you want to be. So eat your size and it will be easier than you think.
I didn't get them for the longest time and then for some reason my name must have gotten entered in the "Hey she is thin again" mailing list so they suddenly started arriving this past summer. At first I would hurl them in the garbage with such anger and force that it was a little dramatic. I couldn't even peak at them without starting a spiral of self hatred running through my head. I am embarrassed to admit I also didn't want my fiancé to see what he should be with instead of the fatty he is engaged too. (No I no longer feel this way but I did for a long time). Last night for the first time I felt nothing when I saw it. Just another catalogue and I happen to receive a lot of them. That is when I realized again how much I have changed for the better. I glanced at it again and studied the cover because I LOVED the outfit. Pretty much what I wear in my little fashionista dreams but would never fit the body I currently have. I looked through the whole thing showing my fiancé pictures of outfits and dresses I liked and wasn't jealous at all. I told him how much I loved the cover outfit and he looked at her for a second and said "you actually look a lot like her". This is why I love him so much. Forget I am a size 22 and she is probably a zero or a 2 he saw that we have the same face shape, eye shape and color and similar hair, not the weight difference.
A few moments ago I sat down with a pair of scissors and cut out all the outfits I really love because I am going to start my dream book. A binder full of all the recipes, articles, pictures etc that I find that are a part of my new found self esteem and healthy life. By the time I can fit in those sizes the clothes will be gone from the catalogue but it isn't about that. It is about finding my style and the things that make me happy and feel good about me. By this time next year I am going to be able to order clothes like these and I can't wait. www.victoriassecret.com/ss/Satellite ?c=Page&cid=1265386096038&pagename=vsd Wrapper#/FC-1291548561362/
This is the outfit I love so much. I am going to be so happy when I can wear something similar.
So this weekend I took my fiancé to this battleship museum in Southern Massachusetts. We love road trips and I think learning and exploring together is a great way to keep a relationship from getting stale so we head out on mini-road trips whenever we have the time. You can go inside real battleships that are all docked together and they have made them into a museum so you can learn about US History etc. If you live in Mass and have young boys this is the PERFECT afternoon trip for them. You even get to go down inside an old submarine. You have to climb up and down all of these step ladders and squeeze through tiny doorways. My fiancé was super excited, he loves history and anything to do with boats, and I was happy to see him have such a good time. As I was squeezing through the submarine I realized I would NEVER have been able to do this even 6 months ago. I took some pics of the doors just to give you an idea.
You can see how small it is compared to my fiancé's butt lol.
Here he is pretending he is a spy. He is such a dork but I love that about him.
I forgot to get a picture of the ridiculously steep ladders we went up and down for the better part of 4 hours but let me tell you my inner thighs were screaming the next day. When I was doing this I was thinking how much joy I have now. Before SP I couldn't have gone up and down the ladders because my knees hurt and I wasn't strong enough to pull myself up. I wouldn't have even fit in the tiny spaces to do it. I would have had to ruin it for him or sit outside by myself and wait. Again on the sidelines. NO MORE! It really helped me keep me motivated and keep moving forward.
Later in the day we went to his friends son's 1st birthday party. When we arrived his friend look at me in shock and said "wow you look absolutely amazing". It was so genuine and so surprising to me. I felt awesome. I am so done being fat. There is not one benefit to being unhealthy, not a single one. Denial kept me there so long. I forgot what it was like to be free. I can't wait to be a normal weight again.
A friend's blog just made me think of this. One of the reasons people fail at a healthy lifestyle is that they see it necessary to suck all the joy out of their life to do so. SP is not about a life of self deprivation and proverbial floggings. It is about changing your life, read that again, changing your WHOLE LIFE for the better. If you approach eating healthy as a punishment or a do or die kind of thing OF COURSE IT WILL SUCK. Eating one deliciously sinful meal is not the end of the world. It is when all you eat is junk that it becomes a problem. Think of it this way. If your child or niece or some other child in your life that was important to you said "I am going to eat nothing but candy and McDonald's every single day all day" would you let them? Of course not. You would tell them they are treats and they need to put good things in their body to be healthy.... So why do you live that way? The intention of sparkpeople is to teach you how to find a healthy life and a healthy life includes balance. It is learning to plan ahead and say "I am meeting friends for dinner at this taco place and I LOVE TACOS so I better make sure I get in a good workout that morning and drink extra water". It is about looking at your emotional health and learning that if you don't love you and do things to make yourself happy you will continue to self medicate with food and again "fail" at healthy eating. The reality is you are not failing at healthy eating. You are failing to address emotional factors that are the true root of why you overeat. It is hard. It is hard to look at yourself and say "I do this wrong or that wrong. I am still angry with my father/mother/grandmother/abuser and that is why I eat". I was in denial for so long I had a problem. When I realized I didn't love myself and my whole life was crashing around me not because I am cursed but because I didn't have balance is when my life changed for the better. If you allow a specific aspect of your life to suck the joy out of everything it is very difficult to find happiness and it is easy to overcompensate with things that provide temporary relief. Breathe joy back into the empty parts of your life, learn to love yourself even with your flaws and learn to plan ahead for your healthy lifestyle. Soon it will become so natural that you will forget the old way you used to live because everything will be better. I can't believe I waited so long. Don't make the same mistake I did. Don't wait for next Monday, start today.
2010 was my year of change. Over the course of the year I was able to lose 79 lbs and change my life. I didn't join sparkpeople until June and had reached my first plateau. A friend had been a a member off and on before and when I saw the name again in a magazine I decided to check it out. I was very excited by the nutrition tracker. I firmly believe tracking is the key to this for me. I was already making better choices and had shed the first 35 lbs going to the gym 1 day a week and making choices like giving up lattes for iced coffee with skim milk (I never have been a sugar in my coffee person) and giving up muffins at Dunks. Who knew something seemingly so innocent could be so bad for you. My fiancé and I found a place we love to live and I started a new job after being unemployed close to a year. Our industry was hit hard in the recession and it was demoralizing to be at home day after day. It was what spurred a desire to change the course of my life. All the heartache and half hearted attempts to lose weight. The broke promises to myself and my family. I decided to do this for me and you know what? It was easier than I ever imagined and the rewards are worth it ten fold. I took a hard look at my flaws and my emotional baggage. Yes, this is hard and as you can see from some of my earlier blogs I poured out my heart to my sparkfriends. Then the weight started sliding off and suddenly, I didn't hate myself anymore. It was ok to be excited about living again because for the first time in 14 years each day after was better not worse. When I looked in the mirror and saw things I didn't like it was ok because in a month I would be smaller and smaller. I look 10 years younger. One of the first compliments I started to get was "what are you doing you look so much younger." I didn't feel like an old lady anymore. The joy in being girly returned. The biggest moment came when I realized I look overweight but not obese anymore. How freeing that was. Yes, I have a long way to go but to be able to work out hard for an hour after a time when I couldn't even walk up the stairs is the greatest gift I ever gave myself. I have 93 lbs left to go to no longer be considered clinically overweight. In 2011 those pounds are going down. Happy New Year everybody. I love all of you. Ash