Friday, December 17, 2010
A few days ago I posted a blog about being upset with my fiancÚ regarding my birthday. For the most part I got wonderful supportive comments with a few condescending ones thrown in. Yes, I am sensitive person. I always have been and for some reason people seem to feel it is ok to openly criticize me for it. If I hear one more time "you are too sensitive" that person is going to get an earful. ALL of us have our issues. Mine stems from being screamed at on a daily basis for the better part of 22 years. If you kick a dog enough times it flinches when you try to pet it. That is me. My fiancÚ was shocked that at times when he would reach over to touch me I would jump. It's reactional and not something I have control over. It takes time and effort to heal deep scars. I deleted the blog not because someone said something to me but because I wanted to think about it on my own without anymore discussion. It also made me think about how I respond to other people's blogs. It is easy to click on an interesting title and make assumptions about someone else based on a few paragraphs but the reality is you know almost nothing about that person or their situation. It can be very easy to project your own personal issues onto someone else because a few words they used create a reaction or remind you of a personal situation. In all honesty I have read blogs and immediately been annoyed by something said or the way they said it but words are like swords. They have a lot of sharp edges and when used with skill they can be quite beautiful and artistic but when they are used sloppily they can do more harm than good. There were a few references to my fiancÚ as "the boyfriend" and how I shouldn't care what "the boyfriend" is doing and just do my own thing. I felt that reducing my life partner to nothing and basically calling him insignificant was hurtful and ignorant. It offended me deeply. Yes, you can again say I am sensitive but this is a person who knows nothing about me making very strong statements about who I am. I am not a women who can't be happy without my significant other at all. However, that doesn't mean I don't have the right to be hurt or upset about missing him all the time. He is my best friend and we both work opposite shifts and work 50 plus hours a week. We have very little time together. In a whole day I see him for 2-3 hours. I am lonely sometimes. Yes I have friends who I see on a regular basis but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to want to spend time with my husband. To me we are already married the paper is just a bonus. To trivialize that is cruel.
I talked with my mother for close to 2 hours that night about my abandonment issues. I am estranged from my fathers side of the family, they are all like him and I chose long ago to not be associated with their toxicity. My mothers side was torn apart by my uncles fighting over my grandparents money. I basically have an aunt, my mom and my brother. My cousins all moved very far away to get away from the fighting so I never see them anymore. To have someone tell you literally tens of thousands of times you are not wanted is psychologically damaging. Yes it is something I work on but I don't know that I will ever be able to move on completely from the damage. It is hard for me to attach to people because I don't trust anyone. When I do finally figure out people won't abandon me I am fiercely loyal and you have a friend for life. I used to hide my desire for approval behind anger. I was quick to be judge and criticize because I was always in defense mode. "You can't hurt me if I do it first" It doesn't win you many friends I can tell you that. It made me become a people pleaser because I desperately needed anyone to tell me I had value. I decided to let go of my anger with my fiancÚ about his telling them he would work on Friday and just tell him he hurt me a lot. Anger will destroy trust and respect and he deserves better than that. I was too hurt to talk about it during the day but before he went to work that night he knew how much he hurt me and he sincerely apologized and I could see on his face he truly felt badly. It told him everything I was feeling and why, no accusations, no you did this and that. Just simply that I felt abandoned and that I support his working weird hours all year and I felt disrespected and dismissed. He told me that he accepted the shift because January is very slow in our industry and he was worried about money and our savings but after he said he would do it he remembered that I had cancelled my own plans and he felt awful about it. We were able to find a resolution that we both felt better and were able to let it go. One of things I love about him is he is willing to put the same effort into this relationship that I am. Communication doesn't come natural for him but he tries and that is all I can ask.
I thought a lot that night about boundaries and setting them with people in both real life and on sparkpeople. In the morning I had to meet a client for whom I am planning a black tie dinner and I will be honest, she intimidated me. She owns this enormous multimillion dollar brownstone in downtown Boston and I felt for some reason I was not going to look good enough to plan her event and when she met me she wouldn't want to work with me. I don't own a great deal of clothing anymore because I keep shrinking out of them and I just am tired of buying them. When I knocked on her door she opened it in her pajamas, teeth and hair unbrushed and it took me aback for a second. I felt so stupid for letting someone intimidate me and letting me feel like less of a human being for stupid reasons. RJ4HEALTH sent me a great email about setting boundaries with people and it really helped me. This wasn't something I didn't know but I wasn't doing it. I wanted to share my journey with so many people because I wanted to try to help and I realized I am giving of myself too freely. I can't help anyone if what I am getting in return is damaging to me. Yes, people have the right to their own feelings and issues and I don't judge them for it. I understand why losing that last bit of weight can be frustrating. The problem is I internalize their words too easily. So what if I am "too sensitive". This is who I am and I have decided that until I am further along in my process I am not going to read blogs of people I don't know anymore. It makes me sad but unless I know them well enough to understand their situation and humor it is doing me more harm than good. I need to take care of me and the people who support me on a daily basis. Spreading myself too thinly isn't healthy and this is about regaining my health.