Thursday, December 09, 2010
I am not a big joiner by nature. Challenges give me anxiety. I don't join anymore teams because I have a hard enough time keeping up with the ones I am on and then I feel guilty like I let people down. I am a big goal setter. I need goals to keep me feeling like I have a purpose. One of the things I like about myself is I am very realistic about my faults and where I need to improve. It can be hard to face sometimes but you will never get anywhere in life if you don't make changes in yourself when things aren't going the way you would like. Opportunities exist for everyone, it the people who show up to take them that get them. That being said I decided to restrategize and here are my goals/plan for keeping on the path to being healthy.
Keep drinking all my water. I have been doing well with this and my skin has never in my life looked this good. Yeah me.
Eat protein for breakfast everyday. I tend to grab something carby, like a whole wheat english muffin, for breakfast because it is easy and then I end up hungry mid morning.
Pack my lunch. I am the most successful when I do this. When I eat the food at work I lose less weight. Period.
Not eating out more than once a week, for ANY meal. When we eat out I can't control the preparation and portions as well. I feel like I paid for this steak so I should eat all of it and that is how I got fat to being with. Also when I did the math on how much we spend on takeout lets just say I will have a lot more money in my wallet!
Get in all my fruits and veggies. This is harder for me than it should be because I don't like to throw away produce. My fiancé only eats one meal a day at home, the rest he eats at work, so if I buy a bag of carrots they go bad etc and then I get mad I wasted them. I need to find a better way to do this. Maybe more frozen veggies...hmmm
More creativity in the kitchen. I tend to fall back on the same easy to prepare meals and then I get bored. Once I am bored that is a big problem for me because I will want to eat out. Hence the evil cycle. I am a rocking cook so I need to show myself that same love I show other people!
Focus on me more. I will always put myself last and I have to stop doing that. Period. If I don't take care of me I won't be around to take care of anybody else. Ashley, take care of you. NOW
Move more. I was doing awesome before my grandmother died. Going to the gym 5 days and really enjoying it. I felt better when I was working out. No aches and pains etc. Then I spent those 2 weeks back in my hometown and just stopped. That combined with having someone smash in my car window at the gym the night before I left to see her I have just not wanted to go back there. I need to suck it up and go and I know I will be back into it again. I feel less stressed and sleep better when I work out regularly.
Sleep, that is a big one. I am always thinking. I can never turn my brain off. I get around 4-5 hours a night most nights and I am exhausted all the time. This negatively affects my whole day. I read recently that when you are over tired your body secretes more of this hormone to make you hungry to try and get energy. Not good.
Me time. I tend to put off the things I love that help me unwind. Reading, my art, working on my business. I need to bring those things back into my weekly activities.
Friends. Fostering the ones with people that are a healthy relationship and letting go with the ones that are not. There is only so much time and energy I have to give and I am not going to waste it on people who don't deserve it.
Have a great day my friends. Thank you for being so supportive and wonderful and helping me to stay positive and motivated. Hugs, Love you guys.
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
I have been writing this blog in my head for a few days but after just having a "friend" really upset me I decided I need to write it now. So my birthday is December 18th. This is a ridiculously busy time of year for us at work so it is always hard to celebrate. My family basically never acknowledged my birthday after the age of 12 so I have abandonment issues with people and my birthday. When you are a week from Christmas people tend to forget and then give you the combo gift in Christmas paper that they scribbled Happy Birthday on the bottom of the tag as an after thought. FYI if you have a friend or a child who is in this situation. Save them the therapy bills and buy an actual gift or card that you put some thought into, it will make them feel like a million bucks.
So Saturday my friends are taking me to this new polish restaurant to celebrate and then on Sunday night I was supposed to meet another good friend who is separate from that group of friends and it would be weird to invite her because she doesn't know anyone and she would feel very out of place. We made the plans for Sunday 2 weeks ago. I just texted her to confirm time and place etc and she tells me "well I can give you from 3-6 PM because I have to go meet another friend later. This is a person who constantly whines to me about how all of her friends are mean to her and blow her off. They never want to make plans with her. The person she is meeting is the one who specifically blows her off the most. It is taking all my personal self control to not tell her where to go right now. I am the only friend she has that supports her unconditionally. Never blows her off, treats her with respect and tries to help her out. She is a very difficult person to be friends with because she is very negative and controlling and I still try to overlook that because I think in her heart she is a good person and she has had some serious trauma in her past. I am hurt and it made me think about a good conversation HEYPINK and I had earlier.
Do people really want and respect honesty? So that is my question. When you came on SP are you looking for people to be real with you and help you see through your excuses and issues and really get to the root of your problem? Or did you come here to be told time and time again that its ok to eat horrible and not work out and you are so depressed so people faun all over you? So here is some honesty, I see a lot of both. In the future if I am whining none stop and not losing any weight I ASK YOU call me out on my BS. Tell me to stop whining and get over it and start tracking my food and drinking my water. I am not talking about meanness masked as honesty. There is a difference between being cruel and hurting people to make yourself feel better and helping a friend to see the light on a flaw or an issue and genuinely wanting them to improve themselves.
I respect honesty above all else. In my partner, in my friends, in my colleagues. If I screwed up at work I can admit it. I don't screw over my friends. I have a VERY hard time trusting and attaching to people. If my trust is broken once, I am done. I can cut a friend out of my life in a second and never look back but if they treat me with the love and respect that I give them I will do anything for my friends. I am extremely loyal. I know my hardness is a defense mechanism. When you are abused you make a shell so people can't hurt you, ever. It is hard for me to let anyone inside. That is why my blogs are so good for me. They are my truth, my reality and I am stunned I share them with anyone. I tell you all things the people close to me don't know about me. I want to call my friend right now and really let her have it and tell her she is a hypocrite. Then my manners kick in and say it won't solve anything. She probably doesn't want the truth.
Friday, December 03, 2010
I think when I really started to be conscious of my eating habits, and which of them where the main culprits in the ever expansion of my backside, I was completely shocked but how much I ate mindlessly. I would get home from work and slice of 4 or 5 hunks of cheese and eat them while I made dinner. It was then that I realized I was eating a good sized block of cheese a week. Hello saturated fat, no wonder I was holding steady at my fighting weight of 345. In addition to said cheese I would sit at my desk and eat endless amounts of candy. Literally, I would hide the bag in my drawer at work and anytime I felt stressed I would wait until the office was noisy so no one would hear my rustling the bag. Yup, I really believed I was fooling anybody, I got fat by not eating lol. When I started SP I put it all in my tracker, as hard and shameful as it was to do so, and took responsibility for all those extra bad fats and calories and it was shocking. I was consuming 800-1000 extra calories a day and was not even conscious of them.
As soon as I put a ban on cheese (for the most part) in my life I immediately started to lose weight. Same thing with candy. I just can not have candy and sweets around me because I have no self control filter. The weight started to come off so rapidly it shocked me. You would think this would be enough motivation to keep eating the same way right? Wrong. What fun would losing weight be without a little self sabotage. As the weight loss slowed after the first 2 months I had to take a hard look at why this was happening and realized that I eat great at home and on the weekends, I know weird right, but because I work at an amazing caterer I was back to my mindless eating. Talking to the chef, try a bite of the duck confit. Walk past the lunch counter, a bite of a new style of croissant. Etc etc. As soon as this would start for the day it was a downward spiral.
I have to say I was pretty disappointed in losing the month of November with all I had going on in my life. My goal was to be down to 250 by the New Year and I absolutely could have done it but now there just isn't the possibility. While I didn't gain any weight and actually lost 1.4 lbs in the last 3 days alone I am not going to get there, especially with the holidays. My fiancé asked me this morning if I had stopped losing and I got REALLY upset. He was not being critical at all, just asking me about it, but it hit a nerve big time. I know I can keep the momentum going and the root of all of this is stopping my mindless eating. Period. No more bites of things at work, no more snacking while cooking. That extra 300 calories is really preventing me from reaching my goals. The last 4 days I really paid attention and was able to lose weight already. I am writing this all off as a learning experience and investing in a future of good habits and good health. Nothing is going to derail me. NOTHING.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
I have been feeling pretty bad about myself the past few days. Bloated, fat, unattractive. When you are losing pretty consistently it is easy to brush off these feelings because, hey, in another month I will look even better. Being stuck at the same weight has given me time to start the negative stream of consciousness dialogue in my head again. So far this week I was able to hop right back on the eating healthy way of life and was surprised how quickly the bloating went away just from all the water I have been chugging. Lesson 1-Ashley, drink your freaking water. Mmmkay?
On to the role model part of this blog. Even in the midst of feeling so bad about myself I was standing at the printer at work and my boss walks up and stares at me open mouthed and says "I really can't believe how much skinner you look right now". If I was physically able right then I would have done a back flip I was so happy. A couple hours later the other sales woman in my department rolled over to my desk in her chair and asked me if I could help her with something. I figured it was a menu or something. She got teary eyed and told me she had reached her point of being so miserable with her weight that she needed to deal with it and could I help her. I was shocked. I still consider myself in need of a lot of work and to have someone be so open and candid with me about their struggle and do it face to face was very flattering. We chatted about what she eats on a daily basis and figured out she eats too much at night and drinks too much wine when eating said takeout and snacks. It is crazy how someone can eat healthy all day and undo it so easily in just one meal. It was something I used to do as well and I really believe that is why so many people struggle with understanding why they are overweight. I only eat 2 meals a day how can I be overweight? Well when your dinner is 1600 calories its pretty easy!
To make me feel even more awesome our office assistant, who is thin and beautiful and completely sweet, was fidgeting around at the end of my desk looking nervous and awkward. I have always thought she looks gorgeous and never would have imagined she had food issues but I guess the grass is always greener. One thing I learned on SP is that you can never assume just because someone is thin they have it easy! I asked her what was up, I figured she wanted help with something new to her, and she asked me if she could talk to me about her eating. I was very surprised and said sure. She got closer and told me she hardly eats any real food and basically eats candy and junk food for her main source of calories and that he sister has a binge eating disorder and she is worried for her. Her main concern was that she would develop a similar disorder and how bad was eating sugar all the time for her? We had a wonderful chat about how unhealthy all this is and why and how that was my biggest issue that brought me to my heaviest weight and onto SP. I was more open with her than I usually am with people at work and she really listened to what I was saying and at the end she seemed to feel a bit better.
These are just 2 examples of recent encounters I have had with people looking up to me as an example. At the funeral and memorial my family members were all asking me how I did it and what I eat and we chatted about SP a great deal. I had never quite grasped how significant making this lifestyle change has been not just for me but for all the people around me. It is easy to get caught up in my own world and not think about how my actions, good and bad, affect those close to me. People even on SP tell me that this is really a solo adventure, but it isn't. Yes, ultimately what I put in my mouth is my own decisions but the support and love that you give to those around you, the inspiration you give to those around you, is anything but a solo adventure. By changing yourself you are changing, for the better, the world around you and you have the power to make that choice. People will admire you for having the strength they wish they had. You can help the people you love feel better, look better and find the path to better health, just by doing it yourself. Lets make December a healthy and happy holiday season!
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