HEALTHYASHLEY   20,867
SparkPoints
20,000-24,999 SparkPoints
 
 
HEALTHYASHLEY's Recent Blog Entries

Taking control of my mindless eating

Friday, December 03, 2010

I think when I really started to be conscious of my eating habits, and which of them where the main culprits in the ever expansion of my backside, I was completely shocked but how much I ate mindlessly. I would get home from work and slice of 4 or 5 hunks of cheese and eat them while I made dinner. It was then that I realized I was eating a good sized block of cheese a week. Hello saturated fat, no wonder I was holding steady at my fighting weight of 345. In addition to said cheese I would sit at my desk and eat endless amounts of candy. Literally, I would hide the bag in my drawer at work and anytime I felt stressed I would wait until the office was noisy so no one would hear my rustling the bag. Yup, I really believed I was fooling anybody, I got fat by not eating lol. When I started SP I put it all in my tracker, as hard and shameful as it was to do so, and took responsibility for all those extra bad fats and calories and it was shocking. I was consuming 800-1000 extra calories a day and was not even conscious of them.
As soon as I put a ban on cheese (for the most part) in my life I immediately started to lose weight. Same thing with candy. I just can not have candy and sweets around me because I have no self control filter. The weight started to come off so rapidly it shocked me. You would think this would be enough motivation to keep eating the same way right? Wrong. What fun would losing weight be without a little self sabotage. As the weight loss slowed after the first 2 months I had to take a hard look at why this was happening and realized that I eat great at home and on the weekends, I know weird right, but because I work at an amazing caterer I was back to my mindless eating. Talking to the chef, try a bite of the duck confit. Walk past the lunch counter, a bite of a new style of croissant. Etc etc. As soon as this would start for the day it was a downward spiral.
I have to say I was pretty disappointed in losing the month of November with all I had going on in my life. My goal was to be down to 250 by the New Year and I absolutely could have done it but now there just isn't the possibility. While I didn't gain any weight and actually lost 1.4 lbs in the last 3 days alone I am not going to get there, especially with the holidays. My fiancé asked me this morning if I had stopped losing and I got REALLY upset. He was not being critical at all, just asking me about it, but it hit a nerve big time. I know I can keep the momentum going and the root of all of this is stopping my mindless eating. Period. No more bites of things at work, no more snacking while cooking. That extra 300 calories is really preventing me from reaching my goals. The last 4 days I really paid attention and was able to lose weight already. I am writing this all off as a learning experience and investing in a future of good habits and good health. Nothing is going to derail me. NOTHING.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BARBARAJ73 12/6/2010 1:29PM

    Isn't it amazing when we uncover the little things that can help/hinder us. Thanks for sharing your insight...

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
KATHLOW 12/6/2010 6:29AM

    i hear you oon the cheese! Good for you for figuring out what hinders your progress.



Report Inappropriate Comment
SCHENPOSSIBLE 12/5/2010 10:30PM

    The good thing is you can forgive yourself and focus on re-starting again tomorrow. Good luck!

Report Inappropriate Comment
CARILOUIE 12/5/2010 8:33AM

    ACK! Cheese! I had the same thing happen to me - once I stopped eating ridiculous amounts of cheese, I lost a lot of weight quickly.

Even though November wasn't good for you (or me, or - it seems - a bunch of other people), sometimes I think having "bad" times helps us to remember that this is an ongoing process. It's a new life. And so we have a month of not-so-good eating/working out/sleeping/whatever - we assess the damage, get back in control, and that's that.

December is going to be great!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
_COSMOPAULATAN_ 12/5/2010 8:16AM

    A gentle reminder to be kind to yourself (because I need these same kind of reminders occasionally). October/November haven't been kind to me either weight wise. I've been trying to get out of this evil 10 pound range since October 17th... nearly 2 months. If anything, this process is forcing me to be patient and persistant (neither of which come naturally to me). Hang in there honey, you have GOT THIS because you are AMAZING.

Report Inappropriate Comment
DBFBILLY 12/5/2010 12:08AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
HEALTHYONE2008 12/4/2010 1:48PM

    Welcome to the real world! Tracking is the key. I found that works best for me, seeing it in black and white is a wake-up call. Keep up the good work, you are doing awesome.

Report Inappropriate Comment
JAMJOJAM 12/3/2010 10:54PM

    Candy is a real problem for me too. I used to eat it in my car when driving home from work, like if nobody saw me eating the candy it didn't count and I must be getting fat from eating diet food. I avoid candy and don't even take one bite for fear that I will lose control. Don't let anything get you off track. You can do it. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PUNKINOODLE76 12/3/2010 7:41PM

    Sometimes we just need a "hiccup" in our healthy new routines to make us start paying attention again. You have a fantastic attitude, and I know you'll be back on track in no time.
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MAIA2011 12/3/2010 7:11PM

    You are a powerful woman. DO it!

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
TIKITAMI 12/3/2010 6:03PM

   
I have done the candy in the drawer thinking no one would notice thing. It's amazing how we worry about people seeing us eating, who do we think we were fooling?

I think you are doing great knowing where your extra calories are coming from and making yourself accountable.
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MAMADWARF 12/3/2010 5:17PM

    Thats my girl!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ZANNACHAN 12/3/2010 2:42PM

    With things like mindless eating, the biggest hurdle is simply being aware of it. If you know that you are mindlessly eating, every time you go to get something to eat, make it a conscious decision. Think, do I really want this? Is this good for me? If it's not, is it worth the sacrifice in calories?

Snacking in and of itself is not evil--in fact it's actually really healthy for us to eat small meals more often. But we need to be aware of what we are eating and plan accordingly.

Report Inappropriate Comment
BRIAEL 12/3/2010 2:04PM

    Gotta share this with you, Ashley, as you seem to be in a similar position that I've inhabited in past "diets".

This time it's different for me. Instead of working against my natural eating habits, I'm trying to work WITH them. I plan to snack. I make sure that I have healthy, acceptable snacks around me all the time. But only enough that I "need" rather than an endless supply.

I eat little and often. I have four meals a day, and three snacks, sometimes four if I have "itchy" hands or expect a day of boredom. Believe me, it helps and it keeps me losing steadily (if slowly occasionally, based on what kind of snacks I allow myself). Like you, I have no willpower for candy ... so I don't allow myself it except as a reward treat for consistently exercising for 5 days in a row.

You've been on this journey long enough to build up a pattern of eating. I know that when I read my food charts, I can see what tempted me ... and how badly. Sometimes I crave chocolate around my period, so I build it into that week's calorie allowance.

Be smart, work with your desires rather than constantly depriving yourself. There are always alternative ways to look at a healthy diet! Is it more important to lose the weight, or to lose and be happy while doing it? :)

Report Inappropriate Comment
ROBYNROSE26 12/3/2010 1:37PM

    Awesome, realizing what is holding you back and dealing with it will get you to your goals!

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
KRAWRS 12/3/2010 12:58PM

    Great job for realizing what you need to improve!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MCCLOD 12/3/2010 12:15PM

    Again, I'm so glad I'm here at SP this December -- we'll get the jump on all those folks who wait until Jan. 1 to work on their issues... HA! All those issues will still be holding you back in Dec, so I don't understand taking a month off -- We are moving forward! So Cool! I've been doing a bit of self-talk--My script goes like this: "A cookie is just a cookie-- you've had one (many) before. Put it down and walk away, 'cause really, for this lifetime, you've already had your share" -- silly, but helps me. Thanks for blogging.

Report Inappropriate Comment
GO-LOEW 12/3/2010 11:47AM

    Great reminder of where lots of the calories come from. I was sort of shocked when I started putting everything in the tracker how much little things like a bit of butter, a little olive oil cost in calories.

Would it help for you at work to chew gum so you have something in your mouth when you pass by the food? This is assuming you aren't a person who eats and chews gum. I have tried gum at dinner to stop the "tasting."


Report Inappropriate Comment
JENN26POINT2 12/3/2010 11:33AM

    Way to find the problem and put a stop to it immediately! You'll reach your goals... maybe not when you expected to, but you will reach them.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MSANITAL 12/3/2010 10:23AM

    Way to go.. love your out look.. keep up the good work

Report Inappropriate Comment
LCHADBOURNE 12/3/2010 10:20AM

    What a very honest and insiteful blog. Mindless eating is so easy to do, I fight with it all of the time. I'll be sitting at the table after dinner chatting with my husband and with my daughter's plate still on the table next to me and just grab a bite of whatever she left (she's 2 and a half so there is always goodies left) and after it's already in my mouth I think "Man! I shouldn't have just done that!" and it snaps me back out of it for a few days, but it really is a struggle. Acknowledging that it is an issue is the hardest part. Way to go for the self critism and pin pointing your trouble area and making a great plan to stop it!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
FUZZY1TOO 12/3/2010 10:15AM

    Mindless eating is a HUGE factor in how I got to my heaviest weight....and the hardest thing to overcome. For me, it's nibbling as I prepare food. When I am conscious of it, I can control it....it's when it gets away from me that I can consume another whole serving or more before I even eat the meal.
emoticon
Good for you for identifying the issue and working on abolishing it. Definitely a road I'm gonna be walking with you. We've accomplished most of the same weight loss in relatively the same time....let's plan on having a grand re-opening next year, eh?
emoticon
I know a good event planner.....
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
NANHBH 12/3/2010 9:54AM

    Good for you, Ashley, you've got determination and a plan that will work! Keep up the good work!
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
FLY0NTHEWAL1 12/3/2010 9:37AM

    I'm so glad I (sort of actively) dislike most cheeses, I know it is a Great Diet Demon for many people.

I'm glad you reassessed your needs and routine and are back on track. It's SO EASY to nibble here, nibble there and not think anything of it. And maybe if it were a one-time-once-a-week thing it WOULD be ok, but it's usually not. I think we are all too familiar with how that works.

I'm glad you're back on track. I'm sure you'll make it to the 250's in no time at all!
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SMOCKON 12/3/2010 9:27AM

    A great advertisement for the tracker! I do think that once you realize you're doing something that doesn't work, you can stop doing it. I know you can do this!

Report Inappropriate Comment
TERRIJWALL224 12/3/2010 9:09AM

    Thanks for posting this!!!
A big culprit for me is when there is just a small amount of food left and it is not enough to save for leftovers, instead of throwing it away I will eat it.
One small change that can make a difference...just throw it away!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
LUCKYDOGFARM 12/3/2010 9:06AM

    Ashley, great blog! I've been having those snacking issues lately too. blaming it all on the cold weather! it's hard to stop once they get started. Keep up the good work!

Report Inappropriate Comment
TRIP2HAPPINESS 12/3/2010 9:01AM

    I coudn't agree more. Just the little nibbles here and there do make a difference, and once we start...we usually can't stop. I don't even think snacking is that bad, as long as that's all it is..lol. If I am going to eat some m & m's it has to be a few in my hand, or else the whole bag will be gone before I realize. lol. Great blog though, I guess this is another bit of info or realization on this journey. Keep up the good work , sounds like you have this journey locked down emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MRSSIBRAT 12/3/2010 8:53AM

    this is something I think we all struggle with..even if it's tiny little bites it counts!! you are awesome lady..just think how far you have already come! you can totally do this!~

Report Inappropriate Comment
POOHLA711 12/3/2010 8:50AM

    I'm reading a book called "Mindless Eating" right now. I think the author is Stephen Wansak (I may not be spelling that right)
It's really fascinating and a real eyeopener for me. It talks about the pyschological things that cause us to eat more without realizing it. And it also goes into marketing tricks and things that restaurants do that makes us eat more or less as well. You may find it interesting.

I wish you best of luck with your continued journey and although you have been disappointed with your progress this month, please know that your strength and discipline inspire so many people every day and you have a big support system here to help you get your momentum back.

Thank you for sharing with us. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
TRACI175 12/3/2010 8:49AM

    We are all guilty of mindless eating. Good for you for calling yourself out on it and holding yourself accountable!

Report Inappropriate Comment
PIA2000 12/3/2010 8:30AM

    wow! Reading your blog post has made me realise how much mindless eating of my own I indulge in ! Isn't it amazing how we self-sabotage! And those extra bites and nibbles are standing in the way of our potential! We need to keep it in our minds at all times.... "a moment on the lips ...."!! Thanks for this post! :)

Report Inappropriate Comment


Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

A role model? Who, me? Nahhhhh

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

I have been feeling pretty bad about myself the past few days. Bloated, fat, unattractive. When you are losing pretty consistently it is easy to brush off these feelings because, hey, in another month I will look even better. Being stuck at the same weight has given me time to start the negative stream of consciousness dialogue in my head again. So far this week I was able to hop right back on the eating healthy way of life and was surprised how quickly the bloating went away just from all the water I have been chugging. Lesson 1-Ashley, drink your freaking water. Mmmkay?
On to the role model part of this blog. Even in the midst of feeling so bad about myself I was standing at the printer at work and my boss walks up and stares at me open mouthed and says "I really can't believe how much skinner you look right now". If I was physically able right then I would have done a back flip I was so happy. A couple hours later the other sales woman in my department rolled over to my desk in her chair and asked me if I could help her with something. I figured it was a menu or something. She got teary eyed and told me she had reached her point of being so miserable with her weight that she needed to deal with it and could I help her. I was shocked. I still consider myself in need of a lot of work and to have someone be so open and candid with me about their struggle and do it face to face was very flattering. We chatted about what she eats on a daily basis and figured out she eats too much at night and drinks too much wine when eating said takeout and snacks. It is crazy how someone can eat healthy all day and undo it so easily in just one meal. It was something I used to do as well and I really believe that is why so many people struggle with understanding why they are overweight. I only eat 2 meals a day how can I be overweight? Well when your dinner is 1600 calories its pretty easy!
To make me feel even more awesome our office assistant, who is thin and beautiful and completely sweet, was fidgeting around at the end of my desk looking nervous and awkward. I have always thought she looks gorgeous and never would have imagined she had food issues but I guess the grass is always greener. One thing I learned on SP is that you can never assume just because someone is thin they have it easy! I asked her what was up, I figured she wanted help with something new to her, and she asked me if she could talk to me about her eating. I was very surprised and said sure. She got closer and told me she hardly eats any real food and basically eats candy and junk food for her main source of calories and that he sister has a binge eating disorder and she is worried for her. Her main concern was that she would develop a similar disorder and how bad was eating sugar all the time for her? We had a wonderful chat about how unhealthy all this is and why and how that was my biggest issue that brought me to my heaviest weight and onto SP. I was more open with her than I usually am with people at work and she really listened to what I was saying and at the end she seemed to feel a bit better.
These are just 2 examples of recent encounters I have had with people looking up to me as an example. At the funeral and memorial my family members were all asking me how I did it and what I eat and we chatted about SP a great deal. I had never quite grasped how significant making this lifestyle change has been not just for me but for all the people around me. It is easy to get caught up in my own world and not think about how my actions, good and bad, affect those close to me. People even on SP tell me that this is really a solo adventure, but it isn't. Yes, ultimately what I put in my mouth is my own decisions but the support and love that you give to those around you, the inspiration you give to those around you, is anything but a solo adventure. By changing yourself you are changing, for the better, the world around you and you have the power to make that choice. People will admire you for having the strength they wish they had. You can help the people you love feel better, look better and find the path to better health, just by doing it yourself. Lets make December a healthy and happy holiday season!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OPTIMISSPRIME 12/12/2010 2:52PM

    Wow! Damn straight, you're a role model! Go you! It must have felt so amazing/flattering/confirming to have all those people ask you for advice and know that you are doing everything right and doing an AWESOME job!!

What you say about SP is so true! The tools on this site (blogs, teams, etc.) can be so helpful and therapeutic.
At the same time, it is YOUR decision what you do/how you use the tools, so you deserve FULL credit for each and every healthy step you take and pound you lose. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/12/2010 2:58:41 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
MELLYBEANS0919 12/12/2010 2:29PM

    Rock on!


Report Inappropriate Comment
HAPPY_AS_IS 12/8/2010 11:55AM

    Great blog! COngrats on your success and your willingness to help others!

Report Inappropriate Comment
RUNNER12COM 12/8/2010 11:43AM

    Rock on!

SDJ

Report Inappropriate Comment
MRS.CARLY 12/8/2010 7:59AM

    Loved this blog (as apparently everyone else does too!)

Report Inappropriate Comment
DUSTYGIRL25 12/7/2010 2:57AM

    So wonderful that you are helping others. Thanks for sharing your story. emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
38START2GR8T 12/6/2010 6:59PM

    emoticon
So glad to hear that you are sparking change in those around you. I hope to do the same one day. Congrats on your success!

Report Inappropriate Comment
PROPMAN1 12/6/2010 10:09AM

  Congratulations!!! Sometimes we have more influence than we think. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
KAMCCLARY 12/5/2010 6:48PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticonThanks for sharing!

Report Inappropriate Comment
AMYSNEWSPARK 12/5/2010 10:25AM

    It's awesome that you are inspiring so many people. Congratulations on your success.

Report Inappropriate Comment
LIGHTHOUSE0403 12/5/2010 9:40AM

  Thank you for sharing emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/5/2010 9:41:43 AM

Report Inappropriate Comment
DBFBILLY 12/5/2010 8:38AM

    You are so awesome..I really enjoy your blogs!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LADYRH 12/5/2010 7:52AM

    Congratulations, you really are a role model. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GWENAEL 12/5/2010 1:45AM

    WOW!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
KARENE10 12/4/2010 9:17PM

    You're a great role model! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
JULIGHTER 12/4/2010 9:00PM

    Thank you for your inspiration. Your grace is really shining through. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
AJAYZCHAOS 12/4/2010 4:02PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LATVIAN_SANDY 12/4/2010 3:35PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BEEBEA 12/4/2010 12:05PM

    SPREAD THE SPARK! Woohoo, this is what is supposed to happen when you make big changes -- people notice and are attracted to your success!!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
PATJOONWW 12/4/2010 12:01PM

    Another wonderfully written blog. You are definately a role model.
Keep up the good work and much success on your journey!
emoticon~Pat~ emoticon


Report Inappropriate Comment
VAJRA82 12/4/2010 10:58AM

    emoticon

This is so awesome! Congratulations!

PS - SP clearly needs a "kickass" emoticon for these types of moments.

Report Inappropriate Comment
EVLOBOS310 12/4/2010 9:21AM

    Fantastic blog! Congrats on your progress, in mind and body. COngrats for being a role model and for graciously helping others on their path to health. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MCJULIEO 12/4/2010 9:13AM

    Yes, I'd say that you were a terrific role model! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GTOGIRL67 12/4/2010 5:39AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
CNIANE 12/4/2010 5:25AM

    Well when I read your comment about water I got up and poured myself a glass or two. So yes you are a great role model, even when blogging! Great job and keep up the great work. You really are a good role model. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ALOFA0509 12/4/2010 3:22AM

   
Girl your the Sh*!!!! emoticon

You are such an Inspiration to me.. Keep up the Amazing work, Hugs to you sista friend- emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
IBECCA 12/4/2010 1:23AM

    thanks for sharing

Report Inappropriate Comment
MAR231 12/3/2010 9:58PM

    Great blog........thanks for sharing emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SEAGLASSQUEEN 12/3/2010 9:17PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
KA.BARRY 12/3/2010 9:05PM

    What an awesome experience that must have been. That definitely would have made my day!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
SARAHNICOLE__17 12/3/2010 8:02PM

    You are incredible! Way to be an inspiration.

Report Inappropriate Comment
IN102WIN 12/3/2010 7:50PM

    Another great post!!! Congrats on your new role!!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
FIT-WHIT 12/3/2010 6:53PM

    Wow, what an amazing feeling to have people you know turning to you for advice! It goes to show what spreading your SPARK can really do for you and others! Keep at it, girl-- you're amazing!

I know that I have support and people here on the Spark community who have (and do) turned to me for support/advice with their eating, but it's frustrating to me how few people that actually KNOW me in "real life" will even acknowledge that I've lost weight, let alone turn to me for advice or shoot a compliment my direction. The people I work with always "thought I was skinny" BEFORE, just because I wasn't morbidly obese (although I WAS overweight!), and so they don't see/can't tell that I've lost any weight at all unless I mention something. (um, hello-- 40 lbs is pretty substantial). When I mentioned it to a co-worker how much I'd lost, after she had ASKED ME if I was still trying to lose weight, she said, "Well, I'm going to havta report you if you keep getting skinnier!" (implying that because I'm now thinner than I was before I must be ANOREXIC since I lost weight). It's amazing the kind of NEGATIVE responses that some people will give, when they are simply frustrated with themselves.

I am so glad you are receiving such support and positivity in your work environment! It has got to be very encouraging! Keep up the awesome work and inspiration, girl!

Report Inappropriate Comment
SANDYMISA 12/3/2010 5:24PM

    That's great that folks are comfortable asking you for help - and great that you are willing to share your story, both with them and with us!

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MARCYNA 12/3/2010 3:54PM

    This is great, keep up the wonderful work!!!! emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GRACEISENUF 12/3/2010 3:32PM

    Ashley thank you for sharing this blog. It is really encouraging and I am also so happy for you to get such positive affirmation for the hard work you have done to get to where you are.
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LRSILVER 12/3/2010 1:54PM

    Great blog emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
STARFISH619 12/3/2010 12:11PM

    Your blog really made me smile. It also made me happy those women reached out to you for help and guidance.
You really are a good role model and an inspiration to others.
Keep up the great work, you are making wonderful progress, and I know you'll reach your goals.

Report Inappropriate Comment
GO-LOEW 12/3/2010 12:07PM

    Just because you don't feel like a successful weight manager, doesn't mean other people don't think you are. Just like you think others have it all together and then you find they don't when you get to know them better.

You ARE a role model and you ARE successful with your healthy life, even if you are NOT perfect. I have been following your blogs for a couple weeks, and you are a wonderful, helpful work in progress.

Your blog reminds of one of my observations of life. You go out for a walk on a snowy Christmas Eve and look in the windows at all the families enjoying time around the Christmas tree. You hear them laughing, singing, and can see they are having a wonderful time. This makes you feel sad because your family isn't so happy and is perhaps very dysfunctional. But what you can't see in the happy family in the window is that mom is gobbling down Christmas cookies like her life depended on it. Dad is sitting at the end of the couch, laughing and singing while gulping rum and coke. The happy appearing children are wearing long-sleeved shirts to cover the bruises that dad inflicts and they are laughing, hoping that this night things will be different. None of this shows as you walk by wishing you had their life.

Keep doing, to the best of your ability, the things that have made you a success this far and in the end, you will begin to feel the success that we all see "through your window."

Comment edited on: 12/3/2010 12:08:08 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
MCCLOD 12/3/2010 12:05PM

    Another wonderful blog. So glad we all here and still Spark'n through December! This is Really Helpful. Very proud of you!

Report Inappropriate Comment
STIPER23 12/3/2010 10:38AM

    Congrats on being a role model and your journey so far! Those comments from people around feel great, don't they?!? I just had one of my own this morning. Good luck!

Report Inappropriate Comment
DOODIE59 12/3/2010 9:14AM

    Oh, Ashley, you are most definitely a role model of the finest kind. You're a good, fair, kind, observant student of the human condition AND a weight loss queen. My heart leaps when I come across your musings -- there is always, always something to think about and learn from. Thank you, and keep on doing what you're doing. emoticon You rule.

Report Inappropriate Comment
TRABOLD8567 12/3/2010 7:32AM

  Great job! Spreading the spark feels so good!

Report Inappropriate Comment
LEARNING2LUVME 12/3/2010 6:48AM

    You? A role model?? Damn straight, woman! You are seriously inspiring. To read your sparkpage and follow your journey (for even the short time that I have "known" you) has just given me hope that I can do this.

Be proud of yourself for what you've accomplished. There are so many people out there that you inspire. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
FUZZY1TOO 12/3/2010 6:28AM

    emoticon You exude confidence and self-assurance, even when you don't feel that way inside, and people are drawn to you. Your success will drive theirs and their success and willingness to learn from your success (and mistakes) will drive your success. It's all a wonderful catch-22.
emoticon
As much as it is a solo journey, in that you need to do it and no one can do it for you, it is very much a community effort, as well. It's a lesson I have learned and one I pass on to my kids. No one is an island...no one can do everything on their own.
You're doing great. On all levels. Keep up the good work and you will see the fruits of your labour as you pay it all forward.
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LESSISMORE2010 12/3/2010 4:38AM

    Awesome! You are truely and inspiration. Thank you for sharing!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MONKEYSNUFFER 12/3/2010 12:47AM

    You are a big inspiration to me, too. I know we don't "talk" alot, but I do follow your progress!

Report Inappropriate Comment
BARBARAJ73 12/2/2010 5:59PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
TRACYZABELLE 12/2/2010 3:12AM

    Drinking water is so important-- also sometimes we think we have hunger when really it is thirst- I always drink first then if I am still hungry I will eat.

AND whether you are losing weight or not-- YOU are a role model!

Report Inappropriate Comment
AUNTIELES53 12/1/2010 7:18PM

    emoticon speading the spark emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Tragedy almost derailed me

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I realized yesterday that I had not weighed myself since my grandmother died 2 weeks ago. A few days before she passed I slept on the floor with my mother and cousin and we were giving her pain meds every hour. During times like that you completely forget yourself. It is one of the few times food was not comforting or important to me. I ate when someone stuck food in a plate in front of me and I basically lived on coffee. The food I did eat was mostly sandwiches that family members dropped off in bulk for us. It is the first time in my life I didn't turn to food for comfort and I was naively confident that I had beat my emotional eating addiction.
It wasn't until after the funeral that the reality of her death and the grief process kicked in that I was hit hard by my emotions. I had been blissfully numb, even questioning why I was not feeling more sad than I was. The emotions came crashing down on me like a huge sucking tidal wave and completely consumed me. I was hungry constantly and I felt like I was eating to store fat for the winter. It scared me but the grief was so deep and painful I couldn't come up for air. My fiancé was worried for me and was forever supportive and understanding but I got upset when he tried to talk to me about my eating behavior. When I went back to work and literally could do nothing but sit at my desk and want to cry I realized this was a serious state of depression and I needed to confront it.
I googled coping strategies and stages of grief and realized that what I was experiencing in terms of pain and sadness was quite normal. That realization did make me feel a bit better. I decided to try and ride it out and do my best to try and not undo all the good work I had done over the last 5 months. I couldn't track, I had barely been drinking water, I was drinking a glass of wine almost every night. I didn't even log in to SP the first week but when I did come back I just didn't care anymore. I would read blogs and they just seemed so whiny and it made me so angry. When I realized how upset it was making me I decided to take a break because I knew it wasn't anything anyone did or wrote. I was just angry in general and lashing out at friends and acquaintances was not appropriate or constructive. The support that I was getting in terms of goodies and messages did keep me from going away completely and you all will never know how grateful I am for all of you. Thank you for being so understanding.
This past weekend I knew it was time to stop using my grief as a crutch and excuse and get back on track. I felt awful, I looked exhausted, and I just felt drained. People at the funeral were shocked when they saw me and I got so many compliments about how I look now. I didn't want to go back to the way I was before. I tracked what I was eating over the weekend but didn't really make any effort to eat "healthy". I realized that even when I wasn't being careful I was not eating at the level I had when I was 345. I was even under my calories for Sunday which was surprising.
This morning I hopped on the scale and laughed. I am only up .2 lbs from when I stopped tracking 3 weeks ago. It gave me new found confidence that this is my life now and being healthy has truly become a habit. I worry about maintenance a lot and even without trying I was able to accomplish that so I know now I will be ok when I get close to my goal weight. This is what my grandmother would have wanted for me. To be healthy and happy and I am going to make it happen.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIMPLE_TAILOR 12/14/2010 10:23AM

    This is a great! Just remember, we're only a note away whenever you need us.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SLEEPYDEAN 12/4/2010 2:04AM

    I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother's passing. I was wondering how you were doing, because you hadn't posted a blog in a while.

I lost my 93 year old grandmother November 19th last year, and it was definitely a difficult season for me. I also spoke at her funeral - it was a poem I had written back in high school when she had a stroke. Everyone there commented how much they enjoyed that, even though I felt silly reading parts of it.

I'm glad to hear that you are working on trying to get back to a normal routine. Take care.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MZSLYDE01 12/1/2010 7:55AM

    I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. I can't imagine what your going through or what you have gone through but am glad that your able to reach out here and that your able to head it face on.
Your so strong and very honest about who you really. I love that about you. It inspires me and others to keep coming here because Wow - no one is alone and going through things that others haven't gone through and we really do have one another to help us through it.
I am so glad you have a wonderful man to be there and help you through this time.
Thank you for sharing and My prayers are with you and your family.


Report Inappropriate Comment
FLY0NTHEWAL1 12/1/2010 7:17AM

    I'm so sorry that you're grieving right now but truly glad that you are finding resources to help you cope. You're one of the bright stars here on SP and I definitely want you to keep on shining. emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
TRACYZABELLE 12/1/2010 6:28AM

    You have learned a lot and you have to tools to succees. Losing a loved one can be extremely difficult and we often turn to something to ease the pain. you had supportive people around you whiche I am sure helped.

Report Inappropriate Comment
COLD_GOLD 11/30/2010 10:54PM

    sounds like you've been through a really rough time. Your reaction is totally normal. It sounds like you've built in more good habits than you think. Keep up the good work.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ROCKYLAYNE 11/30/2010 8:53PM

    emoticon You are exactly where you are supposed to be! You just keep hanging on to your support. I am happy for you that you found good news on the scale.

Report Inappropriate Comment
DBFBILLY 11/30/2010 7:54PM

    Look at the bright side..you basically didn't gain anything..and grief is the reason i put 25 lbs back on.. emoticon

It is hard, and i STILL pour over any grief information i get..I still beat myself up and it's taken me a long time to pull myself out of it..and I also had reached the point that i didn't like what I saw in the mirror either..

The main thing to do is pick yourself back up and KEEP SPARKING emoticon emoticon emoticon it makes a huge difference emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SUZYGREENBERG94 11/30/2010 7:39PM

    Life sure does throw us a curveball or two doesn't it... I'm glad you were able to take some time off and it was definitely needed, to get you back on track, but also to give you some perspective of how your lifestyle truly has changed. and your grandmother always knew you were this strong, I bet....and she's smiling down on you now. keep up the good work.

Report Inappropriate Comment
HANNAH_CALM 11/30/2010 6:56PM

    Good for you! I'm glad you didn't gain very much. Grieving is very hard. Reach out to people when you need support, or they might not know. Take care.
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
HEALTHYFIGHTER 11/30/2010 5:55PM

    Aww that's beautiful and sorry for your loss. Hang in there...you'll make it...and it seems you are doing wonderfully well! Take care emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
FLWRCHLD97 11/30/2010 5:42PM

    emoticon

I subscribe to your blogs and I noticed you weren't posting anything. I missed you.

emoticon back to SP, I am here for you. If there is anything I can do, just name it (well, within reason that is emoticon ).

emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BTINTERNET 11/30/2010 5:25PM

    I think you're right - it is what she would have wanted for you. And good for you for having good enough habits that they got you through this devastating time. *hugs* Proud of you!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ZANNACHAN 11/30/2010 4:40PM

    I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother's passing. It sounds like it was a really rough time, both before and afterward. *Hugs* It's hard to see a loved one suffering, and hard to lose one.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You hit a rough spot and almost derailed, but remember we are all only human and it was a pretty difficult circumstances. Anyone would have had a hard time. The important thing to remember is that maybe it *almost* derailed you, but it didn't.

*Hugs* Keeping you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.

Report Inappropriate Comment
LOOKY-LOU 11/30/2010 3:06PM

    Welcome back. Your grandma would be very proud of your strength!

Report Inappropriate Comment
KRAWRS 11/30/2010 2:33PM

    Wow... like you said, this is becoming a lifestyle, a habit... good for you. I am sorry to hear about your grandmother and all that you went through in those days before and after her death. It will be a long time before that grief gets bearable, but I know your grandma would want you to move on and keep living your life on the healthy path you started. Good luck. And lots of hugs.
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SAMMYSWEETPEA 11/30/2010 2:24PM

    I'm glad you recognize your grief for what it is, and that you're working to get your eating under control again. It's so hard to do when life goes sideways like this.

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GO-LOEW 11/30/2010 1:50PM

    Glad you didn't gain any significant weight and were able to gain confidence that you are better equipped now than before to handle eating. It takes a long time to get over the loss of a loved one and it looks like you are taking taking positive steps to keep your eating segregated from your grief.



Report Inappropriate Comment
SMOCKON 11/30/2010 1:41PM

    If I don't eat well now, I feel like crap and everything seems to crash in on me. I bet getting back on what's now your regular diet will help you feel better. Not wonderful, but better.

Report Inappropriate Comment
DUSTIER58 11/30/2010 1:39PM

    So sorry to hear of your grandmother's passing. I hope you give yourself credit for doing all you could during her final days to keep her comfortable, as well as being there for her as you were. Grief can be insidious--you may think you're over it, when--WHAM!--it strikes again! If you have a tough time of it, look into a local counseling center. Now that you're back on track--good for you!--know that you can always turn to Sparkpeople for support. Good luck to you.

Report Inappropriate Comment
KHELMAN 11/30/2010 1:04PM

    emoticonsorry for your loss. you did great on controlling your eating. Grief is always hard to bear. I'm glad that you had the support of your friends on here. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
NINNY165 11/30/2010 1:03PM

    Welcome back Ashley emoticon You have made this a way of life emoticon take care & love yourself....

Comment edited on: 11/30/2010 1:05:06 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
BADASSBLONDIE 11/30/2010 12:43PM

    *hugs* I'm glad to see that you're back. You are so strong. I'm so proud of you for getting back into this. *hugs*

Report Inappropriate Comment
JENN26POINT2 11/30/2010 12:38PM

    So sorry to hear about your grandmother. I'm not entirely sure how I missed this bit of information. I'm glad you managed to keep the damage control to a minimum and I hope your heart heals quickly from the hurt it has encountered.

Take care and welcome back!

ps, sorry if my blogs were one of the whiney ones you were referring to... I know I've been pretty whiney about my leg bothering me... lol

Report Inappropriate Comment
ROBINKP1 11/30/2010 12:38PM

    I am very sorry for your loss.
I am so amazed at your strength to confront and deal with what is happening. That is a wonderful thing and shows how far you have come.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MRSSIBRAT 11/30/2010 12:31PM

    I am so sorry about your grandma but I am so proud of you for realizing how much this journey really means to you...im here if you need anything!!


Report Inappropriate Comment
PALOMARES05 11/30/2010 12:25PM

    Glad to see that you are back. One day at a time is all that we can ask ourself to do. *hugs*

Report Inappropriate Comment
ERIN4771 11/30/2010 12:12PM

    your last sentence says it all my friend!!! welcome back by the way!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MCSNYDER1 11/30/2010 12:10PM

    emoticon emoticon Proud of you, girl!

Report Inappropriate Comment
LUCKYDOGFARM 11/30/2010 12:01PM

    Hey Ashley, I am so sorry to hear about your Grandma. I am sure that you are right about her wanting you be to happy and healthy though. She would insist upon it! losing our loved ones is never easy. you will always miss her, but in her honor, you can lead that healthy happy lifestyle!
Big Hugs!

Comment edited on: 11/30/2010 12:07:11 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
RIGBY31 11/30/2010 11:50AM

    Glad you're back! I know when I'm eating poorly, feeling heavy, I'm certain I'm up 10 lbs, but only to find a slight gain. It's the way non-balanced eating makes you feel. You're sooo strong, Ashley. Stay the course.

Report Inappropriate Comment
PAMATX 11/30/2010 11:46AM

    I'm sorry for your loss, sweetie. It sounds like you are doing a terrific job coping and taking care of yourself. So glad you're back!

Pam
xxooxx

Report Inappropriate Comment
LOSING107 11/30/2010 11:46AM

    Sorry to hear your grandmother died. But, glad to hear that you didn't gain from not tracking cals.

Report Inappropriate Comment
LMB-ESQ 11/30/2010 11:43AM

    I am sorry for your loss. Isn't it nice to know though, that the good habits you've established over the last months can sustain you through difficult times?

May you always remember your grandmother with peace and joy, and remember how much she must have loved you.

Report Inappropriate Comment
TERRIJWALL224 11/30/2010 11:41AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
Glad you are back...this is what your Grandmother would have wanted.
From the sounds of it, you went through the grieving process and now you are able to reconnect with yourself and focus on your goals.
You will always have her with you, and she will be so happy that you are back to taking care of YOU.
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BROOKDOESLIFE 11/30/2010 11:32AM

    I'm so sorry about your lose. I know it's been a tough time for you lately. It is totally understandable that you needed a break from SP. You did a great job on not gaining weight throughout this tough time. I'm very impressed.
Glad to have you back!

"Hugs"

Report Inappropriate Comment
SKYEPHOENIX 11/30/2010 11:27AM

    Glad you're taking steps back. Do what you need to at whatever pace works for you. We had a similar situation with my dear mil a year ago, and yes, it is all-consuming and overwhelming. Take care.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MLRICHARD 11/30/2010 11:21AM

    Welcome back.

Report Inappropriate Comment
NIKKICOLE83 11/30/2010 11:19AM

    I lost my daughter six months ago shortly before her 2nd birthday. Your blog just spoke everything I felt. You just need to do whatever you want to get yourself through this. Your grandmother passed very recently. You need time to deal with it. DOn't worry if you are completely on track right now because your emotional health is the most important thing right now. Godd luck.

Report Inappropriate Comment
AUNTIELES53 11/30/2010 11:17AM

    happy to have you back :) love your blogs :) sorry about the loss

Report Inappropriate Comment
LADYJ6942 11/30/2010 11:17AM

    So sorry to hear of your lose. I can relate, my grandmother has been gone almost 23 yrs and I miss her tremedously. Gratz on maintaining. I find it is easier then the work to lose, go figure.

I am glad you have returned to us and discovered your own inner strength to over come hardships with out over indulgence.

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DIANA_IS_BACK 11/30/2010 11:14AM

    emoticon Glad you are back!

Report Inappropriate Comment
SCHENPOSSIBLE 11/30/2010 11:02AM

    Crossed the threshold to lifestyle change. Even dealing with a tragedy you stayed on track. Continue to lean on your family and friends for support through this difficult time. Sending you lots of love and well wishes.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SHELLEY147 11/30/2010 11:01AM

    Welcome back! I'm so sorry you had to go through so much to get to where you are now. I'm so happy you proved to yourself that you are doing this for life, it's become a habit for you to eat better! ~hugs~

Report Inappropriate Comment
GIANTMICROBE 11/30/2010 10:57AM

    You are not alone. My grandma is the best and I love her so much. I will be devastated when she leaves us. I just called her this morning to say hello. I never want a day to come where I have to say, "I wish I had called my grandma more".

I'm very sorry you have to go through this. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
KARVY09 11/30/2010 10:54AM

    Glad you are back and doing well.
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MAMADWARF 11/30/2010 10:53AM

    Been waiting for this blog. Great job, Ashley. Life happens and you did a great job getting through a tough situation. You can trust yourself now and isnt that an amazing feeling? SO glad you are back...Missed you!!

Report Inappropriate Comment


About my grandmother

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Losing her has been one of the most difficult times in my life. She was a writer and would have wanted me to speak about her at the funeral, especially if I wrote it, so I did it for her. It was the most difficult writing I ever had to do. How do you adequately express how truly amazing someone is and pay tribute to 87 years in 2 pages? I did my best and part of my journey to being the person I have wanted to be all this time has been sharing my good times and bad times with all of you. So here is my reading. If you don't like that I posted this please do not comment. Thank you.

Reflections of the Eldest Grandchild
By Ashley Robin
When I began writing this my intention was to talk about Nan, the woman who was my grandmother. These past 4 days I learned who was Robin Foster and I realized I am not only my mother’s daughter but my grandmothers’ granddaughter. As we sorted through thousands of photos and read through her memories I uncovered a thoroughly modern woman.
A woman who told me she once had someone tell her she was “fortunate to marry a successful man”. A person who could make such a statement didn’t really know Robin.

A woman who struggled to balance her desire for adventure and knowledge with being a 50’s housewife and mother.
A woman who attempted to reconcile her faith with her analytical brain.
A woman who doubted herself and worried about her skills as a mother.
A woman who strove to feed her desire for knowledge while taking care of her entire family.

She voraciously consumed any information she was able. In every book and drawer in the house we found notes, news clippings, and letters. She dated and catalogued all of our lives

It made me realize how much I am like her and that is something I wish I had known years ago. Whenever we came to visit, she always had a lesson for us to learn and even in her death I believe she desired to teach me lessons about life.

• Family is the most important thing
• Material possessions do not make you who you are
• Hard work makes you a better person and is a reason people will respect you
• Honesty is a virtue
• Love is worth waiting for across years, continents and wars
• Learning is a life long process and is never finished
• Stop your busy life to admire the flowers, mountains and nature
• Have adventure in your life. Souvenirs will be lost and broken but the memories you make and the albums of photos you create will live on forever
• Keep a record of your life and family. After you are gone the people you love will find joy and comfort in your words
• Continue to grow in my writing. In the last year I found increasing comfort in putting my thoughts down on paper and I learned so did she.
• Life is what you make it so be the best person you can be.
• Forgiveness will set you free
• Don’t wait to appreciate loved ones until after they are gone.

As the first grandchild I had the privilege and honor of knowing Nan the longest. I looked forward to summers spent with she and Grampie at their house in Elgin. She always indulged our love of animals and the outdoors. I have very fond memories of saving compost scraps for the rabbit in her garden and lining up blueberries for the chipmunks. When they returned to Ipswich I looked forward to holidays with the family, Audubon camp, summer road trips to Mt Washington, the Red Jacket Inn and Harpswell. She encouraged my love of cooking and I remember many days of standing beside her in an apron rolling out whole wheat pie crust. I realize only now she was green before it was fashionable, she saved and recycled everything. I opened my freezer last night and spied my own bag of whole wheat flour and smiled. She believed in clean, healthy eating long before doctors where touting its benefits. I didn’t fully appreciate this way of life until my early 30’s. She tried to share with me her love of writing, language, and grammar. As a teen I was too busy with more important things to listen. Now that I am ready to hear her, she is gone.
When she told me she had been diagnosed with cancer I burst into tears. She made me promise not to be sad and that she was ready to see what lay ahead for her and she was ready to be with her beloved George. I tried not to cry when I saw her each visit because that was her wish. She studied death in her final years and I believe it was to help prepare her family in handling their own grief. Her final words to me were “be the person Grampie wanted you to be” and “we shall meet again”. I very much hope that is true.

A friend sent me this poem and I knew as soon as I read it that Nan would appreciate it so I will close with this…

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there
I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow; I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain; I am the gentle autumn’s rain
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft star that shines at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there
I did not die

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMC0252 12/7/2010 2:21AM

  That is absolutly awesome that you had the courage to write and say such wonderful things at your grandmother's funeral..I recently have lost my mother, my sister (best friend) and grandmother and have not dealt with it in a very positive way..seeing your courage and still staying on track with everything you've went through is very inspiring..THANK YOU!

Report Inappropriate Comment
CELLISTA1 12/4/2010 8:00PM

    I hope my grand-daughters will honor and remember me the way you have honored and remember you grandmother. What you have written makes me want to honor and value my own life. Thank-you.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MAIA2011 12/3/2010 7:18PM

    You made your grandma very proud for good reason. Your offering to her was truly beautiful. Thank you.



Report Inappropriate Comment
EMSJOURNEY 11/30/2010 3:58PM

    i'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother, ashley. you're eulogy was absolutely beautiful. i love the poem at the end.

Report Inappropriate Comment
KEIRASMAMA 11/30/2010 2:09PM

    Ashley this is absolutely wonderful! You were so brave to do such a difficult thing. I am so sure that your Nan was there beside of you feeling so proud of the granddaughter who turned out so much like herself. Thank you for sharing it with us!

Report Inappropriate Comment
DEE797 11/30/2010 1:28PM

    So sorry to hear of your Grandmother's passing. What a beautiful tribute you wrote for her. Thanks so much for sharing it with us. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LUCKYDOGFARM 11/30/2010 12:24PM

    Beautiful Ashley! It is so nice to have all those wonderful years of memmories and shared love.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SHERLYN-WILL 11/30/2010 11:53AM

    BEAUTIFUL THANK you for sharing! I am very sorry about your grandmother passing! I will pray for you and your family!

Report Inappropriate Comment
TERRIJWALL224 11/30/2010 11:51AM

    Just now getting to read this. It is beautiful...you are your Grandmother's Granddaughter.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ROSIEP7 11/29/2010 8:28PM

    This was beautiful - thank you so much for sharing it with us.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ALIOOP188 11/29/2010 12:03PM

    you posted this on the day my nana turned 81. I too don't know what I will do wihtout her. this was beautiful. thank you.

Report Inappropriate Comment
LEXIE63 11/27/2010 4:23PM

    Beautiful!
Hugs,
Lex xxx
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
NINNY165 11/26/2010 9:55PM

    You truly are a wonderful writer emoticon Your Nan is smiling down on you emoticonThank you for sharing your heartfelt tribute to your grandmother....She will always live in your heart emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
JO2TOM 11/25/2010 1:19PM

    What a beautiful way to express your grandmother's life and what it has meant for you. She sounds like an extraordinary woman. And obviously believes in life after death. Think of the fun you two will have together when you meet again. I know that this a really hard time for you, but know that we are all there for you, and thinking about. Today I am thankful that you had your wonderful grandmother in your life.

Report Inappropriate Comment
FLY0NTHEWAL1 11/24/2010 2:34PM

    That's so very beautiful. You've touched my heart with your words.
Thank you for sharing. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PAMNANGEL 11/24/2010 4:05AM

    Nicely said. Sounds like she was quite the gal. She's never really gone as long as you hold her memory in your heart. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
26M8J7 11/24/2010 3:16AM

    My condolences to you and your family. Thank you for sharing these precious memories of your grandmother. Thanks for the advice about keeping a record of life's journey and family. What a tribute! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
TRACYZABELLE 11/24/2010 1:59AM

    What a beautiful tribute!

Report Inappropriate Comment
DEBBIE19580 11/23/2010 1:19PM

    Ashley, that was beautiful. My grandma raised me, she was my life, i know what that loss feels like. I lost my grandma 5 years ago. That is someone you will never forget. She is your angel now watching over you. emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LMCANADA 11/23/2010 11:24AM

    Wow, your "Nan" would be very proud of you, for writing such a lovely tribute, and for getting up there and sharing it with everyone! I don't know if I would have been able to do that!!
Sorry for your loss.

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
FUZZY1TOO 11/23/2010 9:11AM

    emoticonWords cannot express how much your tribute touched me.....it made me think of my Mother and how I only truly came to know her after her death.
Take heart that 'Nan' is with you and will always be there to guide you when you need it most.
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
CHANGINGELAINE 11/23/2010 8:59AM

    Your Grandma would be so proud of you. Thank you for sharing!
emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
JAMJOJAM 11/23/2010 12:27AM

    Thank you sharing your beautiful tribute to your grandmother "Nan". emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SAMMYSWEETPEA 11/22/2010 10:42PM

    What a beautiful tribue to a wonderful woman who obviously meant the world to you.

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
RAVENSONG37 11/22/2010 10:19PM

    This is so beautiful.

Report Inappropriate Comment
FLWRCHLD97 11/22/2010 1:14PM

    I am so sorry, thank you for sharing this.

Report Inappropriate Comment
DEVILICI0US 11/22/2010 11:25AM

    I am glad that you had the strength to pull through and write such an amazing piece to honor your grandma. Losing a grandmother is amazingly hard, and after 13 years I still have a hard time with having lost my Nan.

She sounded like an amazing woman, and someone that it would have been a privilege to sit down and chat with. Remember you are stronger then you realize that you are and that sounds to be in part because of the woman she was. Thank you for sharing, it made me think back on the wonderful memories that I have with my Nan.

Report Inappropriate Comment
BIGMAMAT 11/22/2010 6:57AM

    Beautifully written my friend. I am sure your grandma was very, very proud of you! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
3CHIHUAHUA 11/21/2010 11:34PM

    Sorry for your loss

Report Inappropriate Comment
MONKEYSNUFFER 11/21/2010 11:27PM

    I am sitting here crying. This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing and I am sorry for your loss.

Report Inappropriate Comment
BELLALUCIA 11/21/2010 10:52PM

    Beautiful!

Report Inappropriate Comment
NANHBH 11/21/2010 10:49PM

    Beautiful tribute to a beautiful woman. Praying that peace and comfort will soon replace your grief.
emoticon
Nancy

Report Inappropriate Comment
PRETTYINPUNK_04 11/21/2010 10:46PM

    Thanks for sharing Ashley. That was beautiful.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SERENEART 11/21/2010 10:23PM

    My grandma past away this time last year. My deepest sympathies to you and your family.


emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
2BMYOWN 11/21/2010 9:55PM

    An absolutely wonderful tribute to someone who sounds like an amazing and wonderful woman. And what wonderful memories to cherish. You are so fortunate to have had such a wonderful person in your life.......and to have learned such valuable lessons at such a young age. Condolences to you in your loss, I have a feeling your grandmother is very, very proud of you. And you will see her again, of that I have NO doubt.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SLFRISBEY 11/21/2010 9:26PM

    Very beautifully written. I am teared up from your tribute. I hope to be able to do this when it's time for my Nan to be taken home.

Report Inappropriate Comment
TWINSMOMMY607 11/21/2010 8:36PM

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I lost my grandmother 10 years ago and some days it is like it was yesterday. She sounded like a wonderful person!

Report Inappropriate Comment
RACINGSLUG 11/21/2010 8:22PM

    Such a moving memorial to your beloved grandmother. I love that poem. There are similar themes in a beautiful book about grief, ''No Death, No Fear'' by Thich Nhat Hahn. As you move through this difficult time, remember to take care of yourself. That is often the hardest thing to do.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ERLYWA 11/21/2010 7:32PM

    You have written so eloquently about this amazing woman that it makes me wish I had known her. What a blessing the two of you were for each other, and your tribute is so incredibly touching that I got tears in my eyes.

Thank you for trusting us enough to share this piece of your heart with us. God bless you and your family as you grieve your loss.



Comment edited on: 11/21/2010 7:35:12 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
HEALTHY4ME 11/21/2010 6:32PM

    What a great tribute to what sounds like was a remarkable woman. I am sitting here crying, cos we just had a family gathering for my fathers 85th bday that will be this tues. My mother passed year ago last june and my dad is still so sad without her. My dd who is 30 still has a hard time and tonight not 20 mins ago, after dad left, she and her hubby had brought flowers and left them in the dining room. I thought Mike had brought them for Lisa. but no she asked him to bring them for mum. My mums urn is here at my house and on her birthday Lisa bought flowers for her and put them in a vase by the urn. She had just finished this, they all left and I put the puter on. First blog I got - yours. So thanks for the great memorial, you had a super grandma, I hope to be as good to my grandchildren.
And htanks for my tears as I remember my mum.
HUGS to you dear Ashley.
HUGS

Report Inappropriate Comment
RIGBY31 11/21/2010 5:44PM

    Beautiful memories, beautiful writing.


Report Inappropriate Comment
AMOHAME2 11/21/2010 4:59PM

    What a beautiful reading. You are such a strong woman to have been able to stand up and read that, and your grandmother was surely watching over you being so proud. I'm sure things will get easier for you over time, and though you'll never forget her, you'll be able to think of your grandmother and feel joy and happiness.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ALOFA0509 11/21/2010 4:57PM

   
What a beautiful tribute Ashley. I'm soo sorry for your loss. emoticon

Blessings,
Alofa

Report Inappropriate Comment
AEBROWNSON 11/21/2010 4:34PM

    Your tribute was very touching...She certainly heard you!

Report Inappropriate Comment
GRACEISENUF 11/21/2010 4:08PM

    What a beautiful tribute to your amazing Grandmother.
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ZANNACHAN 11/21/2010 4:08PM

    I'm sorry to hear that you lost your grandmother. No matter how prepared we think we are for the loss of a loved one, it's hard. She sounds like a lovely, remarkable woman. I think she would be proud of the lovely, and loving, tribute you wrote for her.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MCSNYDER1 11/21/2010 4:07PM

    Ashley, you have me in tears. What an eloquent young woman you are. You have learned so very well the lessons that your Grandmother taught you.

You have also learned at a much younger age than I did, that our parents and grandparents are actually people! People with feelings, dreams, memories. People who were once young, vibrant, fun, energetic, and thought they had the world by the tail! Until recently, I always thought of my oldest relatives as having always been old.

When I started reading your words about your Grandmother, I got what I call "chills" up my arms---that tingly feeling that I get when I am hearing something that I know is going to be especially meaningful, important, and thoughtful. By the third or fourth sentence, I was crying.

I have learned much from you, young friend. You inspire me to reach out more often to my Mom. I'm going to do just that. Thank you.



Report Inappropriate Comment
TADTURC 11/21/2010 3:37PM

    Great blog. My thoughts and strength are sent your way during this time.

Report Inappropriate Comment
LJOHN44 11/21/2010 3:27PM

    I'm so glad you posted this, it's beautiful

Report Inappropriate Comment
MADEMCHE 11/21/2010 3:24PM

    Beautiful Ashley. You gave here a beautiful tribute and I know she is proud of you wherever she is. All my love,
Maun

Report Inappropriate Comment


Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

Who am I without the fat?

Sunday, November 07, 2010

This has been on my mind for the last 20 lbs as I am finally starting to feel normal for the first time in 14 years. My whole entire adult life I have been big. If you haven't read in my past blogs I was not a fat child. Three days before my senior year of high school I was in a car accident and suffered a spinal injury. I went from working out 2-3 hours a day 6-7 days a week to being in a body brace and bed ridden for 6 months. To say that was an emotionally traumatic event is putting it lightly. When you work out that much and are blessed with youth you don't really have to think about your nutrition and in retrospect I wish that a doctor had said to me "your life has completely changed and you need to drastically alter your food intake". The shock to my body and my psyche was completely devastating and I went into a serious depression. I saw a lot of doctors and psychologists. All of them made empty promises of curing me and tried to put me on a slew of drugs. I completely lost faith in all doctors and one day just refused to take any of the drugs. Not only was I not losing weight, they felt that antidepressants would make me stop emotional eating, but I was like a zombie all time. As the weight piled on I just felt so desperate, so lost, and so completely alone. I remember one day my mother telling me "why don't you put on some makeup and care what you look like anymore." I clearly remember the urge to punch her in the face. Here I was drowning and she was worried about what I looked like. Pretty typical for my family. Be pretty, smile and pretend it is all ok. Doctors told me that I was staying fat to spite them, maybe I was, but it was more than that. I was lucky to have met my first husband in high school and he supported me through all of this. I really do owe him so much because when I didn't even love myself he stood beside me.
For the last 14 years food was my escape and the resulting fat was my protection. It was like a shield, a prison. It protected me but it kept me frozen in time. Never moving forward, always staying unhappy, searching for that thing that could snap me out of it. I was never one of those obese people that was convinced I had medical problem or denied eating a lot (before you attack me for that statement, really think about it, may people NOT ALL are very much in denial how they got there). I accepted then and still do now, that I made myself that way. Nothing about my behavior was normal. Normal people do not go home from work and eat half of a tiramisu cake and drink a bottle of wine or order 2 meals at a chinese takeout place and go home and eat both until you feel like you can't move.
The point of this blog is now that I have finally faced down my emotional issues and jumped over many hurdles I can proudly say I have changed my life. When I was driving my fiancé to work this afternoon I said to him "I am never going back, I have seen the light of good health and I can never go back there" and I mean it with every fiber of my being. Now that I have reached a point where I look average and not obese I realized I don't know who I am anymore. Some people feel they aren't any different, just have a different body, but that isn't the truth for me. I was the none threatening fat friend. The girl you brought to a bar so all the guys hit on you because who would want her. Yes, I knew some of my "friends" felt that way about me and no they are not in my life anymore. I was the woman who was great at selling events because I am none threatening to other women. The woman who other women trusted around their boyfriends because I wasn't a threat, nobody would ever hit on me.
Do you remember at the end of Titanic when they show all the photos of Rose with all the amazing adventures she had, riding a horse, flying a plane, (gasp) wearing pants (it was a long time ago lol) and that is the woman I want to be. I want to take life by the horns and stop settling for the safe job, the safe vacation, the easy way out of things. I have always had these dreams in my heart but was afraid to make them my reality. Afraid to draw attention to myself. Afraid of the ridicule.
Who am I without the fat?
I am the person I wanted to be. Strong, powerful, in control, a leader, an adventurer, an athlete, a world traveler and my recent decision... I will be a business owner. My fiancé and I decided that after the wedding we are going to start looking for our own restaurant and I AM SO EXCITED. I want to own the kind of neighborhood place that serves up good food at reasonable prices but features interesting local dishes. I want to source everything from small local farms and bring healthy food to the people around me. How many nights have you bought KFC because you were exhausted and just don't have time to cook. If you had a local place you could stop and grab dinner for your family or just yourself that you knew was made with your health in mind wouldn't that be awesome? It is more work to make food taste good without the ease of butter and fat but it is something I believe in.
This blog turned more into stream of consciousness ramblings than the concise statement I wanted it to be but I am ok with that. This blog is my therapy and getting all of this jumble out of my head has really helped me move forward and deal with my emotions in a healthy way.
I am no longer the fat unhappy girl and I am excited for this new phase in my life. As my fiancé and I drove past a local boat house today I started thinking about all the photos I am going to be able have of my own (my big goal is to be able to go kayaking this summer) and I can't wait to be able to be active and do all the amazing things I have always wanted. This January/February will be the first time I have been on a plane in 7 years because I feared not fitting in the seats and being humiliated in public and I will finally be able to meet my inlaws and start planning our wedding in Colombia. I am finally living the life I was meant too.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARCYNA 12/3/2010 3:57PM

    Yes losing weight compels us to get in touch with our real self. It can be frightening but also liberating emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BRAINYBLONDE5 11/27/2010 3:20PM

    INCREDIBLE BLOG. THIS WAS AMAZING. YOU ARE AMAZING. KEEP IT UP. YOU ARE GOING TO ACCOMPLISH EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO.

Report Inappropriate Comment
NINNY165 11/26/2010 10:07PM

    I love your blogs. they always speak to me in some way.....As I shed the first round of fat,,,,,I became an adventurous women emoticon as I work to shed the last 30 lbs, I have a different view...I want muscle and definition...I don't want to jiggle..I am learning to love all of my skin & all the beauty marks that make me ...me.... emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MONKEYSNUFFER 11/21/2010 11:34PM

    I often wonder who I am without the fat, too. I was always the "yes" girl, the low self esteem friend who could be talked into any outrageous favor to keep friends.

I once even let a friend move in with me because I didn't want to hurt her feelings and say no. I am not a "roommate" type of gal but I always put myself last.

I was always the fat girl with the skinny friends...the friends who reassured her she "looked great" as they pulled on their size 4 jeans to go out.

I'm not blaming anyone; obviously I control what I put in my mouth. However, I just wonder if I am going to meet alot of resistance when I am not everyone's "yes" girl anymore.

Comment edited on: 11/21/2010 11:35:40 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
BRITCHES82 11/21/2010 8:05PM

    You are awesome Ashley! I always enjoy reading your blogs. They are so inspirational and insightful. Keep up the good work :)
Brie

Report Inappropriate Comment
DBFBILLY 11/20/2010 8:26AM

    You ROCK emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon How awesome you are, and you are right...fat does give is a shield from others....it's funny, i'm 46 years old, and just realized how much i've turned to eating out of emotions all my life...I FINALLY made the connection, after I got out of an emotional damaging relationship and realized, i can't gained back 30 lbs of the 100 i've lost and KEPT off...I lost my husband 5 years ago, and have made mistakes since then..but i finally realized, that everytime i've been overweight, there usually has been a damaging relationhip in my life, and now i've said, NO MORE!!! I've withdrawn this past year...I'm not dating or making new friends, i'm into myself now...and taking time to think about things, regroup from all the craziness that's happened..my husband was sick with heart failure for years, and that took it's toll on me as a caregiver...He's been gone 5 years now, and this is the first time I feel like decorating for Christmas...I have a 13 year old son, and I have to keep going and settng a good example for him...so, tonightwe are decorating and I'm going to make it festive as I can..You have come such a long way, and i soo enjoy your blogs...Thanks for sharing emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DJC0821 11/18/2010 11:42AM

  Great blog! I recently realized through therapy that I was scared to be the "thin person" I thought I wanted to be. It was like jumping off into the unknown. It's amazing what our self-talk can do to us, and we don't realize it.

Report Inappropriate Comment
GO-LOEW 11/18/2010 11:24AM

    Thank you for this interesting post. I think part of the weight loss journey needs to be getting prepared to accept the new thinner person. If that isn't included in the plan, I think sometimes we don't recognize that new person and let ourselves gain the weight back where we were (and were comfortable if not happy).

Good luck with your plans for the future.

Merry

Report Inappropriate Comment
CARMINACG 11/18/2010 10:48AM

    Hey hunny! I can totally relate to what you are saying here. I call my loss my journey - through this I have lost and gained friends, I have dug in deep and found my breaking points for the people who have pegged me in a certain roll, and 'heaven forbid' I ever steped out of that! I swear I could go on for days...but the main point is - with each step, and each healthy decision, your building your body and treating it as a temple. Which for me I realized my body (Me) was in fact the only thing that didnt let me down, and never doubted my jounrey.
One day I looked in the mirror and asked myself "who do you want to be?" - that was the start of it all!
I wish you the very best in acheieving all your awseome adventures and your health goals!
xoxo

Report Inappropriate Comment
KARLYNCANDOIT 11/18/2010 10:21AM

    Great blog!! You have turned a bad situation into a great one!! You should be so proud of yourself!

Report Inappropriate Comment
TRABOLD8567 11/17/2010 5:31PM

  thanks for sharing

Report Inappropriate Comment
FERLINDAMO 11/17/2010 2:03PM

  Hi ¡

congratulation, you are a bravery woman ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡ , Can you tell me how you won the war againts emotionaly eating? emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LINDABENEDICT 11/17/2010 9:24AM

    Great blog ! Lots of good insights and inspiration !!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
CNIANE 11/17/2010 5:30AM

    You are definitely on your way! Keep up the great work and keep working it out in your blogs. I think a lot of us can relate to what you go through.

Report Inappropriate Comment
DIVADOLL73 11/16/2010 2:39PM

    WOW!!! Ashley this is AWESOME!!! Soooooooooo proud of you, continue to inspire me and others. YOU ROCK!!! emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LESSISMORE2010 11/16/2010 7:06AM

    Great blog!

Report Inappropriate Comment
TENDERLOVE1 11/15/2010 10:12AM

    Love this blog!! Congrats on everything in your life! I hope you do everything you set your mind to in this blog! You are inspiration that I needed this morning! Thanks!

Report Inappropriate Comment
FIRESTARINFINI 11/15/2010 12:03AM

    I've wondered what it would be like once I lost the weight. I have 80+ pounds to lose, but when I look in the mirror, I can't imagine that smaller person because she never was there (well, when I was 12-- that doesn't really count). I can't wait for that moment when I can grab life by the horns. I have that woman, inside my head, but I do wonder how people will change, especially my close friends, when they interact with me. I'm so used to being me right now, even the attention from guys I *might* get seems less of a concern in comparison, but I'm still, very curious.

Report Inappropriate Comment
VIRGOGURL4 11/14/2010 10:58PM

    You are amazing. I look forward to your blogs because I can relate to a lot of what you say.

Report Inappropriate Comment
KRITTERC732 11/14/2010 10:50PM

  Thank you for sharing this. I have always struggled with weight, but thought I had conquered my battle in my adult years. When I turned 30, I had a series of severe asthma/allergy episodes that prompted an ER doctor to put me on prednisone. Doctors I saw after would continue to keep me on it, even giving me IVs in urgent care. I gained 40 pounds in a month. 6 years later, here I am, still overweight, but willing to do what it takes to take the weight off. You are so right about denial. In the back of my mind I have denied how much it has effected my life and the serious changes it takes to lose it and keep it off. Not anymore. I have also stopped blaming the "prednisone" or the doctors I saw, realizing this has got me nowhere the last 6 years. Taking accountability is what I have had to do. Maybe it did effect me, and started what would become a downward spiral, but only I can make the changes to lose it...finally. Thanks for your blog! It spoke volumes to me!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ROCKYLAYNE 11/14/2010 11:14AM

    Very insightful. I really appreciate the statement you made about never denying what made you overweight. I am the same way, I eat wayyyy too much food and it adds fat to my body. Very honest.

Report Inappropriate Comment
RECIPE4ME 11/14/2010 1:02AM

    That's a good question, all of us could ask ourself!
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
RECIPE4ME 11/14/2010 12:41AM

    Inspirational! emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
RUNANDRUN 11/12/2010 10:47PM

  What a great blog. So glad you've found the new you.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SORGIN 11/12/2010 3:08PM

    I don't know why my comment posted three times! Sorry!

Comment edited on: 11/12/2010 3:41:03 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
SORGIN 11/12/2010 3:08PM

    I don't know why my comment posted three times! Sorry!

Comment edited on: 11/12/2010 3:41:26 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
SORGIN 11/12/2010 3:07PM

    "Who am I without the fat?", what a great question! Congrats on your journey. What an inspiration you are!

Report Inappropriate Comment
4A-HEALTHY-BMI 11/12/2010 11:19AM

    Be careful with the kayaking, They should issue warnings with those boats about possible addiction. LOL.

I started in a recreational lake boat the summer of 2009 and now I'm hurling myself down class IV rapids in a little plastic play boat.

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SMOCKON 11/12/2010 10:34AM

    Thank you for this blog. You are soaring, you are taking me with you! You make this journey sound exciting rather than drudgery. Can't wait to see where you go next! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BETHIE_BOO 11/12/2010 10:23AM

    I like reading positive posts but it is really encouraging when its someone in a stage of their journey that I haven't reached yet...it gives me hopes

Report Inappropriate Comment
PINK-PEONY 11/11/2010 8:30AM

    You have made so many statements in this blog I could have written myself. Thank you, and keep going! Clear the path... Can't waitto hear about kayaking, my kids loved it last year.

Melissa

Report Inappropriate Comment
WILLIAMV3 11/10/2010 4:11PM

    I'm so proud for you! You are doing so great! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SCHENPOSSIBLE 11/9/2010 1:11PM

    Sounds like you're on a healthy road. Best wishes to you and your hubby in all your future endeavors.

Report Inappropriate Comment
FLY0NTHEWAL1 11/9/2010 11:27AM

    I'm so happy for you. You're a beautiful lady.
Thanks for staying so involved and inspiring so many. I know you inspire me!

Report Inappropriate Comment
REGID63 11/9/2010 9:32AM

  wow you are so insightful.. I really find joy in reading over the stories of your daily life an dall that you have accomplished! Best wishes for beginning the journey toward becoming a business owner! I selfishly wish I could somehow coax you and your fiance to open that ideal resaturant you speak of over here in my neck of the woods:) I hardly ever eat out because so many restaurants could care less about your health, especially those who could serve you up something fast on one of those late nights. My prayers are with you!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
F1AMEDIVA 11/8/2010 7:57PM

    You go Ashley!!!! You are amazing and I wish you the best.

chris emoticon

PS I wish someone would come up with the restaurant idea here in Seattle esp a little more inexpensively.

Report Inappropriate Comment
CINNAMONGURL06 11/8/2010 4:51PM

    Everything I need to say in response to this blog is- YOU ARE AMAZING!

Report Inappropriate Comment
KRAWRS 11/8/2010 4:50PM

    This is all absolutely fantastic. You've faced your past, and your bad habits, and have finally found happiness with who you are TODAY. You have current goals and future ones and have faced fears. You're doing a fantastic job!

Report Inappropriate Comment
HEALTHYFIGHTER 11/8/2010 4:24PM

    Oh my goodness I agree with you on so many levels! This sounds like a wonderful plan and I really hope you fulfill your dreams. Its surprising how much confidence you gain and how life changing it really is when you lose weight. I'm happy for you and keep up the soul-searching! emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GRAMMY441 11/8/2010 4:15PM

    again, a great blog. So many points hit home with me. Thank you.

Report Inappropriate Comment
BABBELINGBHELL 11/8/2010 2:06PM

    i swear i say this to you almost evrey blog of yours i read, i facking love you and you made me cry... again lol they are good tears though thank you for sharing as you do your words are inspirational and you are amazing

Report Inappropriate Comment
SLBRANTLEY 11/8/2010 11:54AM

    Follow your dreams! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
TRIP2HAPPINESS 11/8/2010 11:52AM

    This is one of the most motivating and inspirational blogs I have come across. Your in your element, your in the game for good. I am sooo happy for you ash, everythings sounds great. Sounds like you are finally getting to live! YAY! I myself am starting to feel the same, and when I start to feel down or feel like it's too hard...I am going to read this blog, it's so encouraging for everyone. Great blog, as usual missy! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MZSLYDE01 11/8/2010 11:24AM

    You never cease to amaze me with your blogs. Your such an inspiration and so great at expressing yourself. Thanks for sharing.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MAIA2011 11/8/2010 8:47AM

    I will fly out to where you are just to visit your restaurant. You best believe it!

emoticon

Also, thank you so much for always sharing your mental and emotional journey, too. I've said it before but I cannot tell you just how much I appreciate it!

Report Inappropriate Comment
POOHLA711 11/8/2010 8:37AM

    I loved this blog. I admire your honesty and your courage.
I think your restaurant is a great idea. Best of luck to you and your fiance!

Report Inappropriate Comment
CARILOUIE 11/8/2010 7:39AM

    Wow...

I wish you the best with the restaurant! I love the concept. My honey is a chef and is really into healthy cooking, and your endeavor sounds like something we'd like to do in the future. I can't wait to read all about it!

Report Inappropriate Comment
SAMMYSWEETPEA 11/8/2010 1:15AM

    What a great question you've asked yourself. I had not thought of it before. I'm still "with fat" but I'm hoping that thinking about this now will prepare me for the time when I'm "without fat". I have some thinking to do!

Report Inappropriate Comment
NCHOPEFUL 11/8/2010 12:34AM

    You know, that scene in Titanic has always stayed with me!! I want that too!!! To have my own collection of photos I could someday show my grandchildren and tell them what an amazing life I had. Can that actually come true??

So glad you are finding your true self!! emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GETFITTER7 11/8/2010 12:30AM

    Who am I without the fat? You are confident and ready for the future I'd say!
Very nice blog. I am glad you wrote it out. Life is just begining anew with a future hubby...new restaurant...a new life. This feeling good is what it should be.
Ramblings? I don't think so. You wrote this SO well.
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 Last Page