HEALTHYASHLEY   20,870
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HEALTHYASHLEY's Recent Blog Entries

Have you noticed everything tastes different?

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

I was standing over my sink last night sniffling after I wrote my heart wrenching blog. I decided to start making my lunch for the next day. At least making something healthy would make me feel better on some level. I have started to enjoy the ritual of packing my lunch. The chopping, the peeling, the planning. It makes me feel more in control of my life. As I was cutting this huge ripe watermelon I nibbled on a piece and it was just stunningly delicious. Almost like I had forgotten what real, ripe fruit could taste like. Only then did I realize how dull my taste buds had become from years of abuse.
I have been consistently under eating since I began spark two weeks ago. i can not seem to get in enough calories even for my low end of the range. I am just not hungry at all and it seems so counter intuitive to eat even when not hungry. I remembered a nutritionist years ago telling me if I was going to eat sugary foods, doing so in the morning was best because I would have the whole day to burn it off. I decided to treat myself to one of the donuts I had decided to give up to see if I could get up in my caloric range and still enjoy a food I had so much in the past. I was surprised by how awful it tasted. Sickeningly sweet with this awful coating over my tongue. The worst part was the awful sugar rush I experienced after. I literally almost had to stop the car to be sick. It was at this moment that I realized this really is going to be a new life for me. My body is literally rejecting the foods that I used to love, that I used to hide from my fiancÚ and stuff in my face whenever he wasn't around. It is so liberating. To feel free.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TYCA41458 7/7/2010 2:58PM

    You are spot on! It's amazing how much you realize things that you've always thought were delicious are really nasty... McDonald's anyone??? You are off to a wonderful start! Keep going!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/7/2010 1:06PM

    Yes, I no longer crave those sweet sugary foods, because the make me nauseous. You really are changing your life! Good foods are good for you!

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EDWINA172 7/7/2010 10:33AM

    Yes! I have noticed the tastes of food more now. WOW. I'm not eating junk. I'm not stuffing myself in time warp speed. I'm really enjoying the taste of taste! Foods that are "good for me" are actually tasting good. OMG...Is it that my taste buds are finally growing up?
Thanks for sharing. Nice blog.

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LBEEKMA 7/7/2010 9:55AM

    I can identify with the watermelon experience. I had 1/2 cup of fresh blueberries yesterday as part of my breakfast. They were so wonderful-something I haven't eaten much of in the past!

Good luck with your journey! emoticon

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FIESTYMARY79 7/7/2010 9:42AM

    What a wonderful feeling to have! That has to feel amazing! Keep up the good work, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job emoticon

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Hello, I am Ashley, and I am morbidly obese

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

I know at the beginning of meetings for addictions they have to admit who they are and what they are addicted too. That it helps the healing process to begin. That is a phrase I have avoiding using my whole adult life. Even as I am writing this there are tears streaming down my face and I am shaking. Afraid of the judgment, of the ridicule, of the shame. Not just what you think but of how much I judge myself. How much I have hated myself all this time. How I have used food to numb myself from the pain of what I am. From the pain of seeing the judgement in someone's eyes when they look at me. The pain of remembering how my family had an "intervention" meeting spearheaded by my grandmother's "good intentions" to tell me I was too fat. How many times did I walk out of a store humiliated because not one thing fit me. How many events did I miss with friends and family because I was too embarrassed to go. I have avoided dealing with this for 14 years. I can not even believe I have been clinically morbidly obese for my whole adult life. OMG I hate saying those words. When I look in the mirror it is hard to remember myself thin. The person I was. The girl who worked out 2 hours a day 6 days a week because I enjoyed it. I can't keep blaming a car accident. That was a long time ago. For the first time in a long time I feel like I have the strength to do this. That I have the support to do this. It is so weird to log onto this site and have so many people instantly understand me. That I feel safe. That I can say this and not vomit from the stress. THANK YOU ALL for helping me. I don't think you know how valuable all your kindness is to others.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIRLI8 7/11/2010 12:12AM

    i completely understand and feel you in this post. and it does feel so good to finally have people who DO UNDERSTAND that its hard to be who we are, when we feel constantly judged. and nobody gets it until they're in the same spot. And i'm learning that no one has the right to judge you but yourself. i thank you for the comment you left me it really helped knowing that its ok to express myself completely

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RAVENSONG37 7/8/2010 10:17AM

    Hi Ashley, I'm Becky and I'm recovering from being morbidly obese. Here's the thing, you are not your obesity and it is not you. It is something you are struggling with, an affliction, a disease...but it is not ASHLEY. Try not to identify yourself as the obesity (it may seem like a grammar lesson, but this was so key for me to learn)...rather see it as a condition which needs treatment. The treatment for this condition is not moral or based on you as a person...it's the same no matter how smart, no matter how rich, no matter what ethnicity or religion you are. The treatment for this condition is healthy choices! You are totally capable of that because you are a beautiful, wonderful human being...you are NOT obesity!

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MADEMCHE 7/8/2010 9:06AM

    Thank you so much for sharing this Ashley, I know how much this topic must hurt you. I am so happy you have found the strength to start this journey and we are all here cheering you on. You can do this!

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SYZYGY922 7/8/2010 12:59AM

    I could have written a lot of this blog entry myself! At about 5 feet tall, I'm barely out of morbidly obese territory. I know all about the shame, embarrassment, and humiliation. Accepting yourself is harder than weight loss in many ways, at least for me. That's something that I will hopefully come to terms with in the months and years ahead. Welcome to SP!

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XTREMEMNCOWGIRL 7/7/2010 11:01AM

    emoticon emoticon I think you wrote a very powerful blog. It takes a very strong person to do that. I know you'll do great. Yes there will be ups and downs along the way, but I know that you'll get there. I'm here for you whenever you need!
~Renee~

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JWOOD635 7/7/2010 8:53AM

    What a powerful blog! Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I know it wasn't easy.

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HAPPYCHICK10 7/7/2010 7:48AM

    No judgement, riducule or shame here! We all need support and have goals to attain...one small triumph at a time. I have to remind myself that I didn't put it on overnight and it won't come off that way either. Hope to see you blogging often!
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PENNYROYALTY 7/6/2010 8:30PM

    you brought tears to my eyes, too. and you've come to a place that is free from judgment and free from all the things that have held you back this whole time. You have made the first step, we are all here to see you get healthier and happier. You CAN do this, this time around!! Today is the first day of the rest of the best of your life!!!

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TYCA41458 7/6/2010 8:23PM

    Hi Ashley! Welcome to SP! You are among so many other people going through so many of the same emotions, issues, and rewards. Keep going! You'll one day be able to say "I used to be morbidly obese, but Look At Me NOW!"

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 7/6/2010 7:45PM

    I'm going to add you as a friend. Feel free to do the same. We are here for you. You have to start someplace... this is the last Day 1 you ever have to have! Isn't that comforting?

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BEARDMUSIC 7/6/2010 7:43PM

    Those family interventions are awful aren't they. My grandmother has been on my case about my weight for years and now I am about to do something about it. You can do it - We both can!!!

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MUSTANG0421 7/6/2010 7:31PM

    Hi Ashley, welcome to Sparkpeople. Start loving and affirmaing yourself everyday. Just tell yourself you are beautiful at every size and in every way. Plan each day and set small attainable goals. You can do this.

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JERRIGREER 7/6/2010 7:30PM

    Good for you!!! You can do this! I have to lose 100 pounds...well 95 now. I am going to think of it as 10 pounds 10 times... it is so much easier to think about it 10 lbs at a time. Find whatever works for you individually and go for it! It is hard to admit that your weight could kill you. However, the fact that you are changing that already is awesome! It matters!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Hang in there!!! You will do this!

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LOSIN4MYSELF 7/6/2010 7:16PM

    Ashley, my name is Alicia and I too am morbidly obese. Saying those words has always just made me want to puke. I just found my motivation on July 4th, and came to the realization that I need to lose 167.7 pounds. It seems daunting, but I plan to take it one pound at a time. Keep your chin up. You are in the right place and you are among friends. emoticon

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-NAMASTE- 7/6/2010 7:04PM

    It takes a lot of courage and strength to say what you said. But yes, you are safe here, as most of us, including me, have been or are where you are. You have already come far and I know you can reach your goals. I am glad you found Spark. I look forward to seeing your success continue. And remember, you don't ever have to go back. Stay strong!

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SUNSHYNDREAMER 7/6/2010 7:01PM

    Hi, I'm Bethany, and I too am morbidly obese, I have 100+ lbs to lose and am diabetic. It does take alot to admit where you are starting from, especially when you first have that epiphany that something has to change. It takes courage to stand up and acknowledge our own faults and to make the decision to change. But with determination, healthy choices and good support you and I can do this. Glad you are here!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/6/2010 6:59PM

    Welcome to SP Ashley! My name is Holly and I too am morbidly obese... You're right this is the hardest thing we have to do... admit to ourselves and everyone around us that we need help. I'm glad to hear you have support and the strength to start your journey. I'm here if you need to vent. Just stay positive!
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LUCKYTRACI 7/6/2010 6:58PM

    You've made the choice. You've decided to lose weight, and it sounds like you're ready. Those moments when you forget why you want to do this, come back here and read what you wrote. It's great inspiration for us all. You can do it! emoticon

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KARENIN1DERLAND 7/6/2010 6:54PM

    I am so glad you are here, and ready to help yourself, like we all are here to do! I, too, was morbidly obese when I first started on SP. I know you can gain your health back, and feel better about yourself as well!
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The hardest part of changing my lifestyle

Monday, July 05, 2010

Surprisingly I have found that the hardest part of all of this for me is not even about the actual food. I have always loved healthy foods, I am not an anti-veggie person. I adore a big leafy salad on a hot summer day, hell, any day. Why this is hard for me is I feel like I am losing rituals that I love, that bring me comfort. I love lingering over a late night glass of wine with fiancÚ or splitting an order of his beloved fried calamari. I feel embarrassed when we go to a restaurant and I can't find something on the menu. Some people may not have a problem asking the chef to make all kinds of special requests but I am not one of them. I miss the comfort of sitting down to a plate of pasta. I know my problem is emotional and behavioral. I know I need to have everything in moderation etc. I am can analyze this to death and I can here the same advice over and over but it won't change that I feel like a small part of my life has died and I have to build again.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MONKEYGETSFIT 7/28/2010 10:08PM

    This too is natural. You have years and years of memories that are built up. You have routines and trusty comfortable habits that are built around food. This is part of our society.

I still miss many of the same things... going out for ice cream on a hot summer night, sitting outside and having beer after beer on a hot summer afternoon... on the other hand, everything in moderation! I don't enjoy these things as much as I used to, but I still let myself do it on occasion, and now that it is occasional I enjoy those moments that much more.

You will also find and establish new things that are your go-to comfortable moments. I love when my hubby and I go out for a walk in the evenings after dinner. In the rush of life, we tend to not get much "undivided" time anymore.. so we've started walking a few nights a week. It is even better than sitting at the dinner table with him. We are moving and our minds are active and we chat more in those times than any other. Make new memories!

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PEARCEC5 7/6/2010 8:15AM

    You should be able to, maybe once or twice a week, have a glass of wine or half a plate of calamari ,even when on a diet. If you restrict yourself that much, it will just make it that much harder to stick with it.
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MADEMCHE 7/5/2010 5:07PM

    And how...wow do I ever know what you mean. I totally felt like that when I started and still feel like that some days. I have no suggestions on how to make that mental leap. It just happens?

I know that is lame and not the best advice you have ever heard but it does. You hate this feeling now, you hate what you have had to give up, and how it makes you feel. But if you stick with it and just keep doing it something amazing will happen. Your body will start to respond and you will lose weight. Then you will lose more, and then all of a sudden your mind says, "Hey that ain't so bad!"

And you will realize that giving up those little things every once and awhile, means that you feel better all the time. You can still have the glass of wine or the calamari, you can. Just have a little and exercise a little more. Balance is all you need. I know that is an awful thing to say, but it is true.

You can do this. It is going to hard and you are going to screw up and that is totally ok. You just keep going. And changing. We are all here to support you every step of the way. So proud of you for admitting your issues!

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Day 7-Obsessing and Undereating

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

So I have because completely obsessed with what goes in my mouth. Too much in fact. Almost everyday I have been under my recommended calories. I don't want to be this obsessed with food, good or bad. I love the nutrition tracker because this is the first tool that I have had that tells me the quality of the food I am eating, not just the caloric quantity. However, I am really competitive and really hard on myself. I like numbers. Good numbers mean a good day, bad numbers mean a depressed bad day. I am too freaked out to eat in a restaurant because I don't know what they used to cook the food, butter, oil, olive oil??? How can I be accurate if I don't know??? I HATE feeling like this. I want to enjoy food in a normal healthy way. Last year I lost 40 lbs and almost didn't even know it. I found out when I went to the doctor and she said to me "wow, you have lost a lot of weight". I knew I was smaller because I was down almost 2 sizes, but I never weighed myself, I never obsessed. I just made better decisions and was working out for fun. Honestly, I am scared to let myself have anything I consider "bad" even in moderation because I have a history of lack of self control. My trigger foods send me off into a sugar filled coma, curled up on the side of the road in a drunken stupor. (I am exaggerating but you know that feeling) Once I get the sugar in I can't make it stop. I need it, I crave it, I obsess about it. I wait until my coworker's go out of the room to grab another handful of candy from the communal jar. This morning I came in to what looked like about 3 lbs of chocolate kisses in the middle of the office. It was a coworkers last day and she left them as a goodbye. I took them and said to the girls in the office "does anyone mind if I put these in a cabinet?" I was so relieved that everyone else agreed with me that they really didn't want the candy around. I never feel I should try to force everyone else around me to not have food because I chose not to eat it. I have worked so hard this week to get the excess sugar out of my body and get past the withdrawal feeling when you make a big dietary change. I really do not want to go back. Any tips anyone has as to how they personally control the obsessing would be greatly appreciated!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MONKEYGETSFIT 7/28/2010 9:53PM

    I can't control the "obsessing". I'm a numbers person as well... and if I don't stay focused, I fall off track so easily. I have learned over the last year that i have to track 85% of the time... if not, I gradually slide back and eat more and more and then more and more of the wrong things.

That being said, it is all a learning process, and I highly recommend baby steps. Focus on small goals and each small goal accomplished, add new ones. Like you did with your Latte's and Sodas... that alone dropped 40lbs, unknowingly. Other ideas that you may not have gotten to yet... spend a week or more focusing on getting 8 glasses of water a day. Once that becomes more habitual and requires less energy/thought, move on to the next one... like getting 5 fruits and veggies a day.

Besides being easier to manage, these goals are more tangible than "calories". They are easy to control and achieve in a day... and the more days you can check off "goals completed" the more confidence you gain and the more strength to keep going.

I fell off track a few months ago and when I finally got my act together, I thought I could jump right back in... it was only a few months before that I was at the top of my game. I was wrong. I kept setting the bar too high and letting myself down, which prolonged the forward progress. Finally over the last month and a half, I've been able to take it one step at a time and I feel like I'm getting back to where I need to be. First it was getting back to my workouts, then it was getting back to my calorie range, then it was focusing on cleaner foods...

It will take time, but you will find what works for you. And when you fall, just get back up. We all fall! You are here... that right there means you are on the right path whether you are perfect every day or not!

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AEBROWNSON 7/22/2010 10:49AM

    Ashley, I'm just reading some of your old blogs to get to know you better, and one of the things I have done is ask my coworkers for help...I work in a library, not the food industry, but it is always someone's birthday, or someone had a baby, or it's the Christmas party...you know what I mean. I have asked my coworkers to put away the communal candy jar, and have asked them to consider bringing healthy treats to work. Last week, one of my coworkers brought in cupcakes, but left some of them unfrosted! I could partake, but stay in control.

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BRANDI0074 7/1/2010 1:14PM

    I buy my favorite dark chocolate, in individual servings. I have a friend here at work that is hates dark choc. so she lets me store them in here office. I am less likely to eat more than one piece if I have to go to her desk to get them. When I have a craving I go and get one piece. I also occasionally will take one to keep at the house, just one piece. If I eat it then its gone, and it may be a week or 2 before I have another piece. I feel like I do much better if I know that I can have a piece if I want one. I will crash if I completely deprive myself.

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HEATHERSCOTTTN 7/1/2010 9:17AM

    I'm hoping to catch some of your FOCUS and get some weight loss and improved health moving my way!!!

Two key words for you: MODERATION & BALANCE



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HEALTHYASHLEY 7/1/2010 7:29AM

    Thank you for all the thoughtful comments everybody! I am a good cook so I like the idea of trying to identify what it is I am craving (I also love tacos lol) and making the healthy version at home. Maybe I will buy just 1 small dark chocolate bar in the house for those times when I really want something!

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STACY0779 6/30/2010 11:47PM

    I also become super-obsessed and end up going under my calorie req's (sometimes by 600) I track everything I eat in a journal and on this website and I noticed that the weeks I can hit my calorie window every single day I can lose 5 lbs but if I go under my calorie req's I don't lose as much (or any). It helps me to think "If I don't eat these pretzels I won't lose any weight" lol.

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NIKKILOSES 6/30/2010 5:05PM

    I am the same way but for me tracking every single thing I put in my mouth and staying on the low end of my calorie range is the only way I lose weight. I also weigh myself daily. I thought at first I was becoming obsessed but this is a huge task to lose all this weight and the more focused I am on it the more successful I am. When I start to become complacent with these things I eventually gain back. In 2008 I lost 50 pounds here and as soon as I stopped tracking my food and staying in calorie range it all came back plus an extra 10! I allow myself one day a week to eat whatever. You're doing great!!

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FOXRIVER8 6/30/2010 1:32PM

  My suggestion is to allow yourself an alternate to what you are craving or want so you don't go overboard. I too feel that sometimes you can't stop at just one, and then fall into that pattern of no self-control. I know that I go overboard on pizza. I will have 4 slices in the first sitting, and then 2 the next morning for breakfast, and then if there are any leftovers 2-3 slices for lunch. WAYYYYYY unhealthy. So I made the commitment to myself; no more pizza. I can't stop with just 1-2 slices which most people would say is fine. Instead I will make a homemade pizza with wheat crust, and turkey sausage instead of pepperoni. Everyone is different though. Some say don't deny yourself of ANY food or else you will crave it more and just give in. Another commitment I made is no fast food. I wasn't a huge fan of it before, but I made my mind up that there is NOTHING ok with fast food. I am happy to say I have not had fast food in two months! Every now and then I crave a Taco Bell taco, but instead I go home and make homemade tacos, baking the shell, making the meat with ground turkey, and adding healthy toppings. That way you know exactly what you are putting in your mouth and how to calculate it. Just remember this journey is going to be ever changing. As your body and emotions change, so should your diet. If you are obsessed with not putting ANYTHING bad in your mouth at this stage, I think that is ok to feel that way. Just make sure you stay within your calorie target for health reasons. Too few calories could sometimes be just as harmful as too many. Try to fill up those calories with healthy options like protein shakes, almonds, avacado, and protein bars. These items tend to be higher in calories but are they are healthy calories with tons of good stuff for you! Good Luck!

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HRFORD 6/30/2010 1:25PM

    Unfortunately the same way our brains got us over weight often makes us obsessive about losing weight and why we often FAIL. Because when we obsess we just can't maintain that level and end up giving up. I don't have an answer because I really believe it is different for every person but this time I've decided to change in a sustainable way. This isn't a lose the weight and life is all better. For the rest of my life I will be a fat lady in a fit body. That is the way my brain thinks. So you need to figure out how to eat food for life not have food eat your life up. I wish I could be more help but if you ever need an ear I have been there and I'd love to help.

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CECE0330 6/30/2010 1:05PM

    I am the SAME WAY with sugary carbs, but you know what? If I deny myself for a long time, I become super cranky, and nothing "satisfies" me. My solution is to have dark chocolate on hand, and have about 80-100 cals worth. I find that small amount satisfies me.

I too can get very obsessive, though I am also way too hungry to be UNDER in calories. I do try my best to keep it under 1350 (my minimum is 1250).

Remind yourself of this: If you don't eat enough, your body will go into "starvation" mode, and will struggle to hold onto the weight you are at, and that will be going against what you are trying to accomplish! If you aren't physically hungry, is there a protein/supplement drink you can take?

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 6/30/2010 1:01PM

    I totally understand. I've only been on my program just over a month and I'm soooo cautious about what goes in my mouth and sometimes I get really nervous that I'll become sooo obsessed that I'll stop eating all together, not likely though. When you go out just check the menu on line and most restaurants have the nutrition information right on their websites, it's great. Just stay positive and know that you're doing this to make a better you!
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SKINNYPOWELL1 6/30/2010 12:53PM

    It's not a bad thing to be obsessed but be careful not to go overboard. Glad you are aware of everything you eat, focus that obsession onto exercise now. Diversion can be a great thing. Good job in getting rid of the office candy, small changes lead to big results later. emoticon

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MZSLYDE01 6/30/2010 12:41PM

    I don't have any real tips but wanted to comment because I am having a hard time the other way. I wish I were more obsessed with tracking and being more committed with my food intake. I fall short that way. Wish we could trade a little to each other to even out our dilemma.


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Day 6-Learning the importance of planning ahead

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

So this past weekend I was so proud of myself. I went to Trader Joe's ( I worship this store, healthy food for cheap, um yes please) and stocked up on all kinds of healthy items for my pantry. I felt great about it and made myself a nice dinner of wild caught salmon, steamed veggies and watermelon. I drank tons of water and felt awesome. So far this week I have packed my breakfast everyday instead of stopping at DD and cut my coffee back a bit because I find it is hard to get in my water when I spend the morning chugging down a jumbo iced coffee. I set up catering in corporations so I am surrounded by food all day. The lunch they gave us yesterday was healthy and fabulous. Today was a different story. Hence my newly learned lesson. I just went out to what was a huge bowl of pasta salad dripping with dressing, a weird stew with oil floating on the top (strange choice considering it is 95 in Boston today) and fried salmon cakes....um, so not eating any of that. I pulled out my lunch pouch and got the fruit I had packed for today and raided the fridge for some veggies, added a scoop of tuna and presto. Healthy lunch for me. I am seeing my self esteem rise just from feeling like I am taking control of my life. I can not wait to be able to post these amazing before and after pics of me. I look forward to keeping this up.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTHYASHLEY 6/29/2010 10:22PM

    Thank you both! Trader Joe's is so awesome. It has really affordable organic and healthy products. Makes this so much easier!

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MOXIE-IN-MOTION 6/29/2010 9:51PM

    Wonderful job! Mmmmm.....salmon, one of my favorites! Planning ahead is always helpful....I always make extra at dinner so I have leftovers for lunch! But I really wish I had a Trader Joes nearby...I always hear things about it, but have never been to one.

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FOXRIVER8 6/29/2010 1:53PM

  Great Job! I work in an environment where I am surrounded by food all day long as well. It is very tempting, but I just log onto SparkPeople and get all the motivation I need to say no to all the goodies around me. Keep up the great work!

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HEALTHYASHLEY 6/29/2010 1:13PM

    Thanks ladies! I appreciate the encouragement!

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NOT_BIG_BONED 6/29/2010 1:01PM

    That is awesome!! Planning is the key!! Keep it up girl!

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APPLE0416 6/29/2010 12:50PM

    Good for you, You are emoticon keep doing what your doing!!!!!!!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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