Wednesday, June 30, 2010
So I have because completely obsessed with what goes in my mouth. Too much in fact. Almost everyday I have been under my recommended calories. I don't want to be this obsessed with food, good or bad. I love the nutrition tracker because this is the first tool that I have had that tells me the quality of the food I am eating, not just the caloric quantity. However, I am really competitive and really hard on myself. I like numbers. Good numbers mean a good day, bad numbers mean a depressed bad day. I am too freaked out to eat in a restaurant because I don't know what they used to cook the food, butter, oil, olive oil??? How can I be accurate if I don't know??? I HATE feeling like this. I want to enjoy food in a normal healthy way. Last year I lost 40 lbs and almost didn't even know it. I found out when I went to the doctor and she said to me "wow, you have lost a lot of weight". I knew I was smaller because I was down almost 2 sizes, but I never weighed myself, I never obsessed. I just made better decisions and was working out for fun. Honestly, I am scared to let myself have anything I consider "bad" even in moderation because I have a history of lack of self control. My trigger foods send me off into a sugar filled coma, curled up on the side of the road in a drunken stupor. (I am exaggerating but you know that feeling) Once I get the sugar in I can't make it stop. I need it, I crave it, I obsess about it. I wait until my coworker's go out of the room to grab another handful of candy from the communal jar. This morning I came in to what looked like about 3 lbs of chocolate kisses in the middle of the office. It was a coworkers last day and she left them as a goodbye. I took them and said to the girls in the office "does anyone mind if I put these in a cabinet?" I was so relieved that everyone else agreed with me that they really didn't want the candy around. I never feel I should try to force everyone else around me to not have food because I chose not to eat it. I have worked so hard this week to get the excess sugar out of my body and get past the withdrawal feeling when you make a big dietary change. I really do not want to go back. Any tips anyone has as to how they personally control the obsessing would be greatly appreciated!