Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Last night I had a dream that I was out with some friends and we were at a Halloween party. In reality I don't even know any of these people. All my friends were really tall and laughing and I felt insecure, tiny and very left out even though they weren't purposefully making me feel that way. I had liked how I looked when I went to the party and then we came upon a mirror. They all looked gorgeous and I looked short, frumpy, very overweight and my hair was a mess. As I gazed in the mirror I felt instantly defeated and ashamed of what I look like. Then I woke up. It was unbelievably powerful. Have you ever heard of in Native American culture they have spirit dreams? That is what this felt like. My soul telling me something.
This is how I really see myself BUT NOT HOW OTHERS SEE ME. Why have I been torturing myself all this time? Our perception of ourselves is so different than the reality. Some of us see ourselves as more attractive or thin than we really are. Most I think see themselves like I do, worse than we truly are. I get so many positive messages and people telling me how much they love my writing. When will I truly believe that I am worthy? In so many social situations I feel like I don't belong, that I don't deserve to be there and as the weight is coming I am realizing it wasn't those around me who made me feel that way, it was me.
Yes, I was bullied as a child. Yes, I was abused by my father. I can not change those things but I can change letting those people bully me for the rest of my life. I am not that little girl anymore and I am done letting those memories haunt me and control who I am today.
We can be whomever we choose to be. Remember that. This life is yours, you have the choices. I decided to let the sad, shy, fat girl in the mirror move on because I have moved on. You can too. Do it with me.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
This past week has been pretty stressful. In addition to all that I told you in my blog about my family the company I work for had an enormous 3000 person event on Thursday which means all of us, no matter what we do, are expected to pitch in. Which is fine, I like to do manual labor sometimes. It feels good to work hard. Well I was feeling really off all week. Just exhausted beyond any normal level so I had a feeling I had something coming on. I was literally going home and going to sleep at 6PM every night. During a meeting with a new client on Tuesday night I broke out into cold sweets and almost passed out. It was embarrassing and it scared me. All of this lead up to Thursday afternoon, just hours before the event, my head filling up and throbbing like an overfull balloon. I knew I was in trouble. I made it through the event and most of work on Friday but by 3PM it was all I could do to sit at my desk so I went home. My fiance was home and awake, which is a rarity considering how much he works. I was happy because I thought we could watch movies and snuggle. I rented him the Thomas Crown Affair, which he loved (almost all movies in English are new to him so I can rent old movies all the time), and Sex in the City 2 for me. I felt like it was a bit too long and the Middle East portion was pretty lame. They could have cut that whole part out and it would have been better. I also think they have pretty much beat the dead horse on that series so I hope they go out gracefully. I love my fiance a lot and he is good at most things but not at taking care of me when I am sick. For some reason he always thinks I am exaggerating how bad I feel, forget that when he gets so much as sniffle he wants to be babied and curls up on the couch making his sick face for DAYS. When I asked him to make me something to eat because I was hungry he ordered chinese food. This was one of the few times I wished I actually had a can of soup in the house. I never buy canned soups. Too much sodium. I had some rice and protein and it worked out fine. He knows I don't like fried and greesy items so he made good choices.
Saturday I thought I was better in the morning, colds are good at tricking you, so we went out to run some errands and pick up groceries. By the end of groceries I was so tired I could barely keep moving. We came home. I forgot to get my soup, duh, and I was bummed when I got home. We spent the rest of the evening again curled up watching Ironman 2 and some Colombian shows on TV. I drugged myself on nyquil and slept until noon this morning. Drove him to work and then slept until 6PM. It really bites to wait all week for the weekend and then spend it in bed sick.
Our 3 year anniversary is next week! Yeah. I can't believe it has been that long already. I feel like we have always been together but that the time has flown by so fast at the same time. We decided last night to cancel our reservations at this fancy french place we had picked and to go out for sushi. I introduced him to sushi when he first moved here and he has loved it ever since. It seems like a more us kind of dinner and it should be fun. Nice way to celebrate.
Hopefully I will feel better soon. I did realize that being sick and having no appetite, a lot of my eating is boredom and stress, not physical hunger. I plan on focusing on hunger cues a lot more now. I hope you all had a safe and happy Halloween weekend. I managed to escape candy free. We will see about the office tomorrow!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
A blog with this title was published by a Marie Claire writer this week.
Here is an article about the fury and outrage her article created. I am happy to see so many people standing up against this kind of ignorance.
If you google the subject there are lots of articles about it.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
In the SP world it can be easy to get swept up in the we have to be positive at all costs mentality and while I think a huge part of this is being positive there are also a lot of negative feelings that come with the territory. It is necessary to acknowledge those feelings but what is more important is how you deal with them.
I am not going to pretend this is easy. If changing your life was easy and all sunshine and rainbows than everybody would be thin and it wouldn't be called a diet, it would be called super happy fun time. (Although that is a rather long name lol). I know some people freak out at the word diet but it has many meanings in the dictionary. My favorite was "a regulated selection of foods". When you look at it like it doesn't seem so scary to me because that is what I am doing. To pretend it is isn't hard or to feel ashamed to admit that it is will eventually lead to failure. I read so many blogs that start with "I am sorry for being negative" or "I am sorry I am whining". It is ok to put those feelings out there but then turn them into a way to keep moving. Negativity is not okay when you use it as an excuse. "Oh well, today sucked so now I am going to have 3 cookies. Well now that I am eating crap on a daily basis and justifying it why am I not losing weight? It must be that working out is doing nothing so now I am going to stop working out and keep eating junk because I am mad". I have been there and I have made all those justifications to myself.
Now, in our new lives, we can say "today was rough and yes I stress ate a few snacks in the office break room but I learned a good lesson. I need to pack my lunch and plan ahead". At first it was hard for me to be able to get past mistakes. As soon as I wasn't perfect my fear of failure was so strong I would quit. I used the wrong sources of validation, ie the scale alone, be my guide for success. I ran up the stairs yesterday when I went to meet my new client. Wait, read that again. I RAN UP THE STAIRS IN HEELS. 8 Months ago I had to take the stairs slowly, climbing up each one with both feet because my knees couldn't support my weight as I went up to the next step. I used to make sure none of my neighbors were around so they wouldn't see me. So, the next time you are feeling down and are afraid to express those feelings remember, we have all been there. Look for the awesome things happening in your life as a result of your new good habits and find a way to see a way to turn it around. If I can do it. We all can.
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