Friday, November 05, 2010
I realized something last week when my 4 month sparkaversary came and went and I totally forgot, this is my life now. I am not TRYING to eat healthy, or work out, or change how I see things. I am doing all those things and it is because I want to do them. MAMADWARF wrote a great blog the other day about how she can't even binge right anymore because she really has changed her life. (If you don't know her, check her out, she is hysterical and one of my most treasured friends I have found on here) I totally agree with her. I NEVER thought at 345 I could do this. I remember telling a friend in tears that I couldn't even imagine myself as a thin person, that I didn't think she was in here. Every single time I would drive by a fast food place I would miss my old life and I would have to force myself to drive past. I couldn't have any sweets in the house because I would eat them all. Basically I had to isolate myself in my own house from all food temptations. Luckily I have a very supportive fiancÚ who doesn't eat junk food anyway so I had the luxury of a healthy food only house.
The last few weeks I have had a whopper junior on the brain and I know I can have one if I want one. They actually are only 360 calories BUT I just haven't actually wanted to eat one. Whenever I say ok I am just going to get it and enjoy it something inside me tells me. "Ashley there are much healthier uses for those calories that will provide much better nutrition for your body". Then I look around the car like "who the hell just said that?".
I don't have the binges inside me anymore and I really can't say there is one specific reason it has changed. My life has gotten so much better since I have lost 75 lbs and I think the fear of going back has really helped me stay so focused. No, weight loss is not the sole reason I got happy. I have a good life and it was the change in my attitude that accompanied said weight loss that did it. I still don't look in a mirror and feel beautiful but I do see all I have accomplished. Sometimes I think about the fact that I have 98 lbs more to lose and it is a little depressing but I can easily turn it around and think, but I already have lost this much, I can do it again. The shear joy of being normal is amazing. To not feel like people are staring at me about my fat. They stare now but it is admiration. I can see the difference in their faces. In general I am a VERY good read of body language and it was a strange shift to witness. Last week I was sitting in traffic and I looked up to see the man on the other side staring at me. When he saw me look at him he gave me this "hey baby" smile and said "hey, how ya doin". The girl in the car with him punched him, hard, and started yelling "what are you doing?". He laughed and smiled at me again. I immediately averted my gaze and thought "why is he making fun of me?". My friend laughed and said "he was hitting on you, not making fun of you". As I thought about it I realized, yes, he was hitting on me. This was a person who knows nothing about me other than what he sees and he was admiring me. I should feel good about it. He was actually cute too so even more flattering. It made me realize that this is the next stage for me. Learning to see myself as I am, not as I was. I decided to remove all the old pictures from my facebook that make me feel bad about myself and fill it with new ones. This is who I am now and I am going to celebrate it. Six months from now I will be celebrating yet another new me and I can't wait. It is like I am shedding my old life that held me prisoner for so long. It is strange to walk into a room and not feel judged. The shift into self confidence is a pretty wild ride but let me tell you. It rocks. When I see ladies on here now who are just starting out I see so much of what I went through in them and I want to reach out and hug them and tell them I am living proof that this is possible and IT IS SO WORTH IT. Every single struggle and set back is worth it. It is hard to get healthy but it was harder to stay morbidly obese and unhappy. When I look at it like that, it is an easy choice to put down the candy and walk away slowly.
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Sorry I didn't get this up last night as promised! People are finally starting to plan their holiday parties and yesterday was nuts at work. Here it is!
Yield: 8 servings (serving size: 1 wedge)
1 cup all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup chilled butter or stick margarine, cut into small pieces
3 1/2 tablespoons ice water
1/2 cup sugar
1/3 cup maple syrup
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
2 large eggs
1 cup evaporated fat-free milk
1 (15-ounce) can pumpkin
To prepare crust, lightly spoon flour into a dry measuring cup; level with a knife. Combine the flour, 2 tablespoons sugar, and salt in a bowl; cut in butter with a pastry blender or 2 knives until mixture resembles coarse meal. Sprinkle surface with ice water, 1 tablespoon at a time; toss with a fork until moist and crumbly (do not form a ball).
Press mixture gently into a 4-inch circle on heavy-duty plastic wrap; cover with additional plastic wrap. Roll dough, still covered, to a 12-inch circle. Freeze 10 minutes or until plastic wrap can be easily removed.
Remove 1 sheet of plastic wrap; fit dough into a 9-inch pie plate coated with cooking spray. Remove top sheet of plastic wrap. Fold edges under; flute.
Preheat oven to 425░.
To prepare filling, beat 1/2 cup sugar and next 5 ingredients (1/2 cup sugar through eggs) at medium speed of a mixer until well-blended. Add milk and pumpkin; beat well. Pour into prepared crust. Bake at 425░ for 10 minutes. Reduce oven temperature to 350░ (do not remove pie from oven); bake an additional 50 minutes or until set. Cool on a wire rack.
Calories 267 (25% from fat)
Fat:7.5g (sat 4.1g,mono 2.2g,poly 0.5g)
This is a cooking light recipe. If you aren't already a fan of the magazine/website. Check it out. It is awesome.
Feel free to post your own favorite lightened or healthy holiday recipe! Let me know when you do! Lets make this a healthy and happy holiday season.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Last night I had a dream that I was out with some friends and we were at a Halloween party. In reality I don't even know any of these people. All my friends were really tall and laughing and I felt insecure, tiny and very left out even though they weren't purposefully making me feel that way. I had liked how I looked when I went to the party and then we came upon a mirror. They all looked gorgeous and I looked short, frumpy, very overweight and my hair was a mess. As I gazed in the mirror I felt instantly defeated and ashamed of what I look like. Then I woke up. It was unbelievably powerful. Have you ever heard of in Native American culture they have spirit dreams? That is what this felt like. My soul telling me something.
This is how I really see myself BUT NOT HOW OTHERS SEE ME. Why have I been torturing myself all this time? Our perception of ourselves is so different than the reality. Some of us see ourselves as more attractive or thin than we really are. Most I think see themselves like I do, worse than we truly are. I get so many positive messages and people telling me how much they love my writing. When will I truly believe that I am worthy? In so many social situations I feel like I don't belong, that I don't deserve to be there and as the weight is coming I am realizing it wasn't those around me who made me feel that way, it was me.
Yes, I was bullied as a child. Yes, I was abused by my father. I can not change those things but I can change letting those people bully me for the rest of my life. I am not that little girl anymore and I am done letting those memories haunt me and control who I am today.
We can be whomever we choose to be. Remember that. This life is yours, you have the choices. I decided to let the sad, shy, fat girl in the mirror move on because I have moved on. You can too. Do it with me.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
This past week has been pretty stressful. In addition to all that I told you in my blog about my family the company I work for had an enormous 3000 person event on Thursday which means all of us, no matter what we do, are expected to pitch in. Which is fine, I like to do manual labor sometimes. It feels good to work hard. Well I was feeling really off all week. Just exhausted beyond any normal level so I had a feeling I had something coming on. I was literally going home and going to sleep at 6PM every night. During a meeting with a new client on Tuesday night I broke out into cold sweets and almost passed out. It was embarrassing and it scared me. All of this lead up to Thursday afternoon, just hours before the event, my head filling up and throbbing like an overfull balloon. I knew I was in trouble. I made it through the event and most of work on Friday but by 3PM it was all I could do to sit at my desk so I went home. My fiance was home and awake, which is a rarity considering how much he works. I was happy because I thought we could watch movies and snuggle. I rented him the Thomas Crown Affair, which he loved (almost all movies in English are new to him so I can rent old movies all the time), and Sex in the City 2 for me. I felt like it was a bit too long and the Middle East portion was pretty lame. They could have cut that whole part out and it would have been better. I also think they have pretty much beat the dead horse on that series so I hope they go out gracefully. I love my fiance a lot and he is good at most things but not at taking care of me when I am sick. For some reason he always thinks I am exaggerating how bad I feel, forget that when he gets so much as sniffle he wants to be babied and curls up on the couch making his sick face for DAYS. When I asked him to make me something to eat because I was hungry he ordered chinese food. This was one of the few times I wished I actually had a can of soup in the house. I never buy canned soups. Too much sodium. I had some rice and protein and it worked out fine. He knows I don't like fried and greesy items so he made good choices.
Saturday I thought I was better in the morning, colds are good at tricking you, so we went out to run some errands and pick up groceries. By the end of groceries I was so tired I could barely keep moving. We came home. I forgot to get my soup, duh, and I was bummed when I got home. We spent the rest of the evening again curled up watching Ironman 2 and some Colombian shows on TV. I drugged myself on nyquil and slept until noon this morning. Drove him to work and then slept until 6PM. It really bites to wait all week for the weekend and then spend it in bed sick.
Our 3 year anniversary is next week! Yeah. I can't believe it has been that long already. I feel like we have always been together but that the time has flown by so fast at the same time. We decided last night to cancel our reservations at this fancy french place we had picked and to go out for sushi. I introduced him to sushi when he first moved here and he has loved it ever since. It seems like a more us kind of dinner and it should be fun. Nice way to celebrate.
Hopefully I will feel better soon. I did realize that being sick and having no appetite, a lot of my eating is boredom and stress, not physical hunger. I plan on focusing on hunger cues a lot more now. I hope you all had a safe and happy Halloween weekend. I managed to escape candy free. We will see about the office tomorrow!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
A blog with this title was published by a Marie Claire writer this week.
Here is an article about the fury and outrage her article created. I am happy to see so many people standing up against this kind of ignorance.
If you google the subject there are lots of articles about it.
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