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I can't keep pretending I am ok

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I have been doing my best to put on a happy face but I just can't anymore. My grandmother was diagnosed with colon cancer 2 years ago and she is in the final stages of hospice right now. They told us a few weeks ago that they didn't give her much longer. She can't keep food down and they have her pretty heavily medicated most of the time for the pain. Last week my mother who is very physically fit went in for an annual physical and was told she had severely high blood pressure and was diagnosed with gallstones. After all the tests they determined the blood pressure is due to the stress of what is going on with my grandmother.

On top of all this work has been a nightmare lately. My job is to go out and acquire clients. I get paid only by what the client buys. I can not tell you how many problems have occurred recently that I have no control over that have resulted in the loss of clients. If the kitchen makes a mistake I am the one who loses out, not them, and it has happened so much that I am at my wits end. I feel like I was lied to when I started this job about what this place is really like and the projections of what I would get paid. I was told integrity and honesty were the foundations of the company and I am really feeling like that is not the case at all. The other salesperson is passive aggressive and tries to poach any client of mine that calls the building so I feel like I am constantly on the defensive. This isn't how I want to feel everyday.
I also have no time for SP. I track etc but not to offer the support and friendship I want to be able to give to all the wonderful people who give it to me. I don't really know what to do. I just want to sleep all the time which I am sure is a coping mechanism. At least I am not resorting to food to destress. I just want to sit here and cry right now.
Oh and I fell down my front stairs this morning. If that wasn't like being kicked when I am down. I am ok except I twisted my foot pretty bad. Uggh

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HAZELDREAMS 11/1/2010 9:04AM

    Pretending is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Reality is it is ok to let yourself feel overwhelmed and tired. Your body is calling for rest because it can't keep up with the emotional demands upon you.. and your getting sick.. probably has a lot to do with being stretched so very thin... hugs..

Seems like your friends all agree. don't worry about offering others support at a time like this. Instead receive their support and the blessings of their friendship. You seem a bit like me.. supergirl syndrome..smiles.. Not ever in a bad way, but in the way where you want to be there and do as much as you can for everyone. Take a bit of time for you.

Will keep your mom and your grandmother in my thoughts and prayers.. Now rest up.. emoticon

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MAIA2011 10/31/2010 8:13PM

    I like what darling MEZZOANGEL said! Hear, hear!

I am so sorry to hear your mom is suffering, too. This sounds like a very tough time for you all and I hope that everyone will be OK. Take care of your sweet self.

emoticon

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KRAWRS 10/28/2010 2:47PM

    Girl, believe me, I know what you're talking about! I truly am sorry to hear about the troubles going on with your family. That's really hard to deal with, and you are showing a lot of strength in continuing your path (with tracking, at least, if not everything!) while going through all of this! I wish the best for your family.
And to be kicked when down? Wow. That sounds rough, the job issues. I'm going through similar issues right now at my job too. I just can't handle it. That whole situation sucks right now. Just keep on keepin on! As they say, this too, shall pass. Oh and p.s., its ok to have weak moments. You don't always have to pretend to be ok. Sometimes, we're not ok. As long as we deal with that in a healthy way, and move on when moving on is due, we'll be ok in the long run. That goes for you too.

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REJ7777 10/28/2010 1:24PM

    The most stressful things are usually what we don't have control over. I'm sorry that you're going through so much! I do, however, want to congratulate you for not turning to food for comfort, as if that could solve the problem. Don't feel badly that you can't spend more time on Spark. Your friends will understand. emoticon

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LIBRARYLASS 10/28/2010 1:12PM

    emoticon

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DRB13_1 10/28/2010 12:25PM

    Just letting you know you have support, and there is strength inside beyond what you realize...
Losing a (parent or) grandparent is always difficult, but the love is eternal...
When work stresses us out, especially when things are not under our control, I'd vote for 2 things
1- start looking for the next (better) position (money can't buy happiness), and
2- make a list of "win-win" proposals and do what you can with your boss and coworkers to make them happen... you need things from them to be effective and they need you to be productive.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SAMI199 10/28/2010 11:50AM

    emoticon

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TASHAMARNI 10/28/2010 10:29AM

    Hi Ashley, I am new to your blogs and have really felt encouraged by what you have shared. You have motivated me to keep going.
I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now. I pray that you are strengthened each day. Much love and prayers to your grandma and mum. emoticon

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JO2TOM 10/28/2010 10:25AM

    Ashley: Sounds like a lot of stress is set right on your shoulders now. Both of my sets of grandparents have died, but my grandmother was my closest one, and I still miss her after 20 years. I hope you are close enough in distance to still have some quality time with her before she dies. Unfortunately, after she dies is too late, so if you can be with her, it is better now. Tom's father died, and we had been taking pretty regular trips to Philadelphia to see him, and were there when he died. We are so grateful now that we took the time to be there when he was alive. Same with my father who had parkinsons disease. We went to visit him in Florida about every 3 months before he died. Hard to watch him get worse and worse, but again, glad we were there frequently.
It sounds like everything else is kind of making work a four letter word. Can you take a few days off and get away, either to your grandmother's or with your fiance? Or even alone? Too much of cruddy stuff is happening all at once.
I am sorry about your mother as well...is it her mother who is dying? I hope she can find a solution for her stress and return to a healthy place too. I wish I could give you a big hug and take away some of the stuff that seems to be in your life right now. Know that you and your family are in my prayers every day. emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/28/2010 10:28:16 AM

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TANSHAN1 10/28/2010 10:11AM

    ((((((HUGS))))

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 10/28/2010 10:10AM

    Ash take a deep breath. The world doesn't stop if you don't have time to comment on blogs...WANTING TO and not having time to are two very different things. You seem to have a lot going on right now that is asking for your attention... honor that. We will still be here, waiting for you to come back when you are ready. Peel the layers of SP away, and it's a singular journey. The players change, but it's still only for you. You aren't letting anyone down by taking care of yourself... in fact, it's just the opposite... you are teaching others to do the same when you take care of you first.

I'm sorry about your grandma... I hope you and your family can find peace in this situation. What I do know is that you are strong enough to handle it.

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FUZZY1TOO 10/28/2010 9:56AM

    Oh, sweetie! What a difficult time for you right now. emoticon
Just know that we are here for you and we will be here for you whenever you can come and see us.
Take a deep breath. You need to focus on you and your family right now. Work will be there when you get back on track. Love your Grandmother while you can. Support your Mom when she needs it. The univerese will send you what you need when you need it. Trust in that.
emoticon
You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.
Heather

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EMSJOURNEY 10/28/2010 9:10AM

    i'm so sorry ashley... what a difficult patch... my thoughts are with you and your family.

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YIGOBUTTERFLY 10/28/2010 7:39AM

    Sounds like you have had a rough time. I am sorry. Much of what is going on is beyond your control and that can be frustrating. If you have a bathtub, take a warm bath with some nice candles burning, play some soothing music and perhaps read a book. Take some time for yourself.

Hang in there and do what you can.

Jane on Guam

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HESMYWATERMELON 10/28/2010 6:35AM

    You sound liek you need a refresh day. Take a day, all to yourself. Sleep in so you are well rested and then you will be in teh rightframe of mind to sort out your work problems- if it is getting really bad take some steps to put it right, or maybe look for something else. Stand up for yourself and voice your thoughts!
Im sorry to hear about your mother and grandmother. My grandmother recnetly just died and it is hard I know. Try to rememeber that once she has passed she will be in a better place, and she wont be in pain any longer. Try to remember all teh positive memories you have of her.
Hope you feel better soon, sometimes we just get into a funk that we need to snap out of!

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KATHLOW 10/28/2010 4:13AM

    How horrible! First of all, my thoughts go out to you, I hope you can say goodbye to your grandmother in peace.
Hopefully the work stuff doen't cloud too much of that.
And you've been one of the most supportive people to me on spark! don't feel like you're not doing enough, you are and it's vastly appreciated!

hugs,
kath

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LINDAKAY228 10/28/2010 4:10AM

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I went through my mother's death a year and a half ago with hospice and I know how hard it is to slowly watch a loved one die and suffer. And sometimes it seems that when it rains, it pours and that everything happens at once. As someone else said, it's okay to sit down and cry sometimes. Or to admit that you are feeling totally overwhelmed. I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but I do send you a great big hug and let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you through this time. There will come light again. You will get through this to the other side. We're here rooting for you and offering our support. emoticon emoticon

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KATHYJO56 10/28/2010 2:03AM

    Ashley, I don't know what to say to make you feel better. emoticon I am glad that you put your feelings down in a blog, not only so that your friends can offer our love and support, but also I think it is a great way to relieve things that are really hurting and bothering us. emoticon emoticon

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BELLALUCIA 10/27/2010 11:21PM

    By blogging, you offer us support so don't worry about that! Sorry about your fall and most of all, your Grandma. I lost mine this October and I am healing little by little. I hope your mother's condition improves also! Take it one day at a time sweetie!

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NCPRINCESS7 10/27/2010 11:16PM

    Ashley, it is hard to know what to say that might comfort you during this difficult time. I cannot imagine how stressed you must be feeling. I will pray for you...for comfort...peace...perseverance. We are here to listen when you want to talk. emoticon

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ACCEPTMYSELF 10/27/2010 10:59PM

    How terrible! My thoughts are with you... concentrate on your family and hopefully work gets better. Stay strong and don't worry about being here for the Spark community - because right now is the time we are here for you. emoticon emoticon

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ROSIEP7 10/27/2010 10:22PM

    Hang on in there - it'll get better, it's just a lot of things to deal with at once. Concentrate on yourself and your grandmother, ignore work (you can fix that later) and tell your mom to go with a very low fat diet until she can have the gall stones treated as that will minimize the effects.



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LEANNROCKS 10/27/2010 8:41PM

    Ashley, stress is hitting you from multiple sides. Really sorry about your Grandmother. Hang on. We are always here to listen. Lynne

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ERLYWA 10/27/2010 7:04PM

    There is nothing at all wrong with going ahead and sitting down to have that cry. It does not make you weak, in fact, it demonstrates true strength to go with those feelings. You have a lot going on, inside and out, and it just may be the release that you need.

I am so sorry to hear about everything that you are going through. Nobody here at SP is going to get their nose out of joint if you are not able to offer the same amount of support/encouragement that you normally do; just let everyone else return the favor and support and encourage YOU now. Life is all about ebb and flow, and if you can ride the wave of difficult times it will ease up again at some point.

Hang in there, and know that you're in the thoughts and prayers of many. I hope your many happy memories of your time with your Grandma will help ease the pain of losing her even just a little.

emoticon, Erika

PS-good for you for not turning to food for solace or comfort. That's a huge step.

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DREAMINGOFNEWME 10/27/2010 6:41PM

    Oh Man... I hope things turn around for you. I think if it was me I would be sitting down and thinking "Am I living the life I want?" Is there anything in my life that I can change to make this life I live better. You have one life to live and you are the only one that can change it to make it better. Live my friend.... you are worth it!!!! Big hugs

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RJ-CYCLES 10/27/2010 6:39PM

    Ashley - what a rough time... will be praying you get a break, that God sends some good positive means to turn things around.

Sounds like you are a -=very=- capable person - you can offer other entities great services without the hassles that are outside your control... not sure if that is the best, but worth considering if things can't change.

Will be praying

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BLYNN710 10/27/2010 6:22PM

    Hang in there girl. I have been where you are with your grandmother and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm glad you were able to share this and hopefully getting it out there takes a little off your mind.

Lots of hugs and prayers.

Becky

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PRETTYINPUNK_04 10/27/2010 4:40PM

    yikes! You are having a rough time emoticon Ive twisted my ankle plenty of times and its not fun at all! emoticon

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KARVY09 10/27/2010 4:24PM

    Big hugs and prayers for you and your grandma. My grandfather is heading in the same direction and I know how tough it is. Stay strong, girl.

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BTRTHANEVA 10/27/2010 4:15PM

    Dear Ashley,
May this moment find you at peace with yourself. May you mother's stress lessen and your grandmother's suffering be minimal.
May you get through this day with the support of faith and friends (especially those of us here at SP) and have a brighter tomorrow.

{{{ emoticon}}}

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CHANGINGMORGAN 10/27/2010 2:48PM

    I'm so sorry to hear about all of this! emoticon

We're all rooting for you to have thing get better and that your family finds what will help them. Let us know when you need anything!

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BTINTERNET 10/27/2010 1:46PM

    That's a lot of stressors at once! It may sound terrible, but I'm glad your grandmother is getting good hospice care - they're really the best and you can trust that she is being lovingly looked after. As far as mom, at least those are things which can be fixed (I had gallstones for a bit - agonizing but gone now). Work - ugh.

Take some time for yourself. Be with your sweetie, curl up with a sad movie, allow yourself to grieve. *hugs*

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RIGBY31 10/27/2010 1:46PM

    Thinking good thoughts for you today.
emoticon

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MUSICLVR2675 10/27/2010 1:42PM

    aww Ashley, I'm sorry to hear you're having some difficult times right now. Life has a way of challenging us but you're gonna make it through, just keep hangin' in there. Keep smiling and attempting to be happy. You have no idea how much it's helping your family. Take some time to yourself, we'll be here for when you do have time to visit. I'm very proud that you're still tracking and not letting the stress overcome your strength over food. That's a hard thing to do but you're doing it. Sorry to hear of your grandmother's condition and for your mom too.
Praying for strength and peace for you. emoticon

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FLWRCHLD97 10/27/2010 1:26PM

    I hope things turn around for you, and soon! Have you been sending out your resume? It sounds like you need to put some feelers out there, I believe there is something better out there for you.

Hang in there. You can do it!

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ROBYNROSE26 10/27/2010 1:04PM

    emoticon

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DAVISMDAWN 10/27/2010 12:57PM

    Hugs and Love my friend! I'm glad that you decided to vent! We can't keep it in and it is okay not to be okay. We are all allowed to have a bad day! I'm praying for you today!

Hugs and Love
Dawn

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BADASSBLONDIE 10/27/2010 12:38PM

    *hugs* I'm so sorry honey. I'm here to listen whenever you need it. *hugs*

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SLBRANTLEY 10/27/2010 12:34PM

    I'm so sorry about your grandmother. emoticon
Know that we're here for you, and that you and yours are in our prayers.
emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/27/2010 12:34:41 PM

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ELAOPET 10/27/2010 12:33PM

    It is the requirement of today - we must always be OK! If we are not, we're no good to anyone for anything. This is a sad thruth.
The world gets cruel and ugly sometimes and we must keep a smile on and pretend to be a happy little camper or else! It's a dictatorship of pretence!
Now, I am very sorry about your family's problems. emoticon
And about problems at work. Falling and hurting yourself in midst of all that must have felt like a slap in the face! I know the feeling.
But that is just the feeling. Try to find something good about your life right now. Hold on to that. And if your current job is so difficult, maybe you should start looking around for a new one. I know this is not the time to be picky, but you never know...
Meanwhile, there are things we have no control over - like your grandmother's suffering. What I can suggest, and I know what I speak of, is that you do something for yourself and grandmother - say goodbye to her. Tell her of your love and how you admire her and are gratefull to her for the love ...something from your hearth. It'll get through to her for sure, even if she can't show it. And for you, it'll be very important...
Maybe I am taking too much liberty here. Trying to say something to make you feel better.
PS - when you wake up at 4AM - drink a large glass of water. Or tea. Then try to sleep. Breakfast is only a few hours away! (what I tell myself when I'm hungry in the middle of the night)
emoticon

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TREASURINGLIFE 10/27/2010 12:25PM

    Sorry to hear about your grandmother, and your mom, and your job. That's a lot of stress to try to work through. I hope you take some time and find some healthy ways to alleviate as much of it as you can. Good luck! And I'll be praying for your situation.

- Michelle

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 10/27/2010 12:24PM

    Sounds like a very stressful time that you're going through. I'm very sorry to hear about your grandmother and mom's health problems and the job situation to top it off. Seriously, when it rains it pours. Just putting your feelings out there is a good indicator that you're still in the fight. The job will work itself out and hopefully your mom gets her health back. Best of luck with everything. You & your family are in my thoughts.

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UNSTOPPABLEJEN 10/27/2010 12:18PM

    It's ok to be sad - you don't have to put on a happy face if you don't feel it. Your reasons for being sad are very real, and you are under a lot of pressure. Just know that your spark friends love you and we are ALL here to help and offer support.
emoticon emoticon Jennifer

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HEYPINK 10/27/2010 12:12PM

    my grandma has colon cancer too, so I know EXACTLY how you are feeling and I am so, so sorry :-(

It's sounds like life is pretty rough right now, but you are still here and surviving and that's the imporant part. You will get through it! And all your SP friends understand that life is busy and we are here to give you support - one day we know you'll be able to do the same.

And the best part about this crappy situation is that you HAVENT turned towards food - which is a victory! A light in the dark, something to hold on to!

So I say, go cry. Stay in bed for a day [definitely ice your foot]. Take a mental day off and veg around the house. And then, tomorrow, pick yourself up and start doing whatever you need to do. But give yourself some time.

Let me know if I can do anything for you!!!

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JENPOSS 10/27/2010 12:06PM

    Aww, I'm so sorry to hear that all of this is going on. Just try to remember that God will never give you more than you can handle!! There is always light at the end of the tunnel and better things will come! Keep your head up!

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MADEMCHE 10/27/2010 12:04PM

    First thank you for saying out loud what was going on. I know keeping it inside seems so natural, but letting it out helps you heal. Stress and grief are huge things and being able to talk about it, i a huge step forward. I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. I am hear if you ever need to talk.

As to work, I have totally been there. I was once hired as a sales person and it went just about as well as yours is going right now. I eventually had to quit and go into leagal action against them. Fun times. I have no suggestions on how to fix this other than talk to your fiance and figure out what your options are.

I wish I could tell you everything is going to be ok, but all I can say is that you get to spend as much time with your grandmother as you can. And then it is gone, so please relish it while you have the time. My heart goes out to you. Wish I could give you a big hug right now Ash. If you need anything, just ask. Love, Maun

Comment edited on: 10/27/2010 12:05:10 PM

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COOKWITHME65 10/27/2010 11:53AM

    So sorry things are not going emotionally well for you know. You are physically trying to care for yourself but emotionallly things sound like they are caving in. You work hard for your job. Like you said last week it might be the time to make a change. With regards to your grandmother it must be difficult to be going thru this. I'm sure you will be their for support to her and your mom. I will pray that she is comfortable. Please remember we are hear for you as I'm sure your fiance is . We are not looking for a pat on the back or you owe me. True friends are not like that., and you have alot here at spark people to hold your hand along the way down a difficult path. We are here for you. emoticon

emoticon - Kristan

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HEALTHYONE2008 10/27/2010 11:51AM

    I will be praying for you and your family.

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TINA5318 10/27/2010 11:35AM

    Hugs!

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BRITCHES82 10/27/2010 11:31AM

    I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. You and your family are in my prayers.

I have been in a similar situation as far as your job is concerned. I worked in retail as an assistant manager. When I was hired, they told me they would work with me and my schedule because they knew the value of family. Yet, six months later I was consistantly having to fight for time with my kids. I was always stressed out, and to me I found that it just wasn't worth it. Looking back, I would have made the same choice a thousand times over. I would rather work for someone with honesty and intergrity than be stressed out all the time. I am not saying you should quit your job, but I would honestly ask yourself if it is really worth the stress you have to deal with because of it. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't.

P.S. I also use to work in a Country Club as a bartender. I know all about the stresses when the KITCHEN screw up... keep your head up! Things will get better :)

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

It is necessary to acknowledge negative feelings

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

In the SP world it can be easy to get swept up in the we have to be positive at all costs mentality and while I think a huge part of this is being positive there are also a lot of negative feelings that come with the territory. It is necessary to acknowledge those feelings but what is more important is how you deal with them.

I am not going to pretend this is easy. If changing your life was easy and all sunshine and rainbows than everybody would be thin and it wouldn't be called a diet, it would be called super happy fun time. (Although that is a rather long name lol). I know some people freak out at the word diet but it has many meanings in the dictionary. My favorite was "a regulated selection of foods". When you look at it like it doesn't seem so scary to me because that is what I am doing. To pretend it is isn't hard or to feel ashamed to admit that it is will eventually lead to failure. I read so many blogs that start with "I am sorry for being negative" or "I am sorry I am whining". It is ok to put those feelings out there but then turn them into a way to keep moving. Negativity is not okay when you use it as an excuse. "Oh well, today sucked so now I am going to have 3 cookies. Well now that I am eating crap on a daily basis and justifying it why am I not losing weight? It must be that working out is doing nothing so now I am going to stop working out and keep eating junk because I am mad". I have been there and I have made all those justifications to myself.
Now, in our new lives, we can say "today was rough and yes I stress ate a few snacks in the office break room but I learned a good lesson. I need to pack my lunch and plan ahead". At first it was hard for me to be able to get past mistakes. As soon as I wasn't perfect my fear of failure was so strong I would quit. I used the wrong sources of validation, ie the scale alone, be my guide for success. I ran up the stairs yesterday when I went to meet my new client. Wait, read that again. I RAN UP THE STAIRS IN HEELS. 8 Months ago I had to take the stairs slowly, climbing up each one with both feet because my knees couldn't support my weight as I went up to the next step. I used to make sure none of my neighbors were around so they wouldn't see me. So, the next time you are feeling down and are afraid to express those feelings remember, we have all been there. Look for the awesome things happening in your life as a result of your new good habits and find a way to see a way to turn it around. If I can do it. We all can.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MELLYBEANS0919 12/12/2010 2:36PM

    Why have I not read all your blogs till now!? You are sooo inspirational. emoticon

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ARENDIVA 11/4/2010 12:59PM

    I'm really trying to be positive. I have made running part of my everyday life and my ability to run is improving by leaps and bounds. But for whatever reason i'm not losing any weight and i'm eating healthy everyday. It's hard not to feel discouraged when i'm working so hard every day and the scale isn't changing. But at least I can run. I guess I should just be happy that i'm meeting my fitness goals if not my weightloss goals.

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SPARKANN 11/3/2010 11:47PM

    Hurrah!!!! It's so refreshing to read your words!!! Thank you for the acknowledgment.

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STACYR31 11/3/2010 5:34PM

    I am so glad that you wrote what many of us are thinking but were too afraid to put into words. Keep up the great work.

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CNIANE 11/2/2010 4:13AM

    I think people aren't negative because it isn't accepted. However, if you don't air the feelings you can't get past them. Myself, I don't care if someone is negative as long as they aren't negative all the time and let it consume their lives. I like a mostly positive person, but let's face it, we can't be positive all the time. I agree with what you've written and think it's okay to express negativity from time to time as long as you get it out of your system and move on. It's not very useful to be negative about the same thing all the time. I think you are a real person and I really like that about you. You say it like it is and that will help you get to where you need to be. Keep up the good work!

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MYSHANON 11/1/2010 4:25PM

    There are so many things I don't say in my blog posts, because I already get private messages insisting that I'm too negative and I'm sabotaging myself by not looking to the bright side more often... but the truth is, some of us respond better to the discipline and restriction than puppies and rainbows (though puppies will always be a motivator for me, I'm still not going to lie to myself about not being on a diet, because using the "D word" helps me remember that it is a serious thing that requires dedication and effort).

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PMWALKER 10/31/2010 10:04PM

    How true you are! Thanks for putting into words what many of us are thinking!



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JASPERANN 10/31/2010 8:21PM

    Amazing blog, like always! I love all your blogs.

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BIONICMONARCH 10/31/2010 5:39PM

    awesome!

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TAMNTN 10/31/2010 3:03PM

    Very moving honesty! Great insights! Taking the time to reflect on our negative feelings, realizing they are there and learning to turn them to positive affirmations is key. It is a must for success. You can do this...keep it up! :)

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CHANEL_BABE 10/31/2010 1:04PM

  So great reading this blog as I'm in a bit of funk. it is hard to acknowledge the negative feelings and hard for me not to qive in and give up.... but there's a spark inside me that keeps fighting.

thanks for these words! they are inspiring!

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JOANELAINE5 10/31/2010 8:27AM

    Good Morning. I am new to SP and I gave myself a challenge (and I challenged my team) for November: To log in everyday day to read, post, learn, and enjoy something. (I know it is Oct. 31...I'm staring early) I am glad I picked your blog to read this morning. Because I was concerned about writing anything negative about my feelings, failures, etc to my team. Would I pull anyone else down? I hadn't thought...Where would those feelings go and what would/could they do to me? Your comment about acknowledging those true feelings and then coming right back with a positive reaction is just what I needed to hear. Face them and move on!!! I hope others are encouraged by you. Thank you and have a "real"ly good day.
PS I am going to subscribe to your blog. I hope that means I can find you again. I'll ask my team leader. emoticon

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LOVEROFJC 10/31/2010 1:07AM

  Thank you for your honesty. You are moving forward!

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STFY31 10/31/2010 12:31AM

    I have my whiney blog days and I never feel guilty because this is the place for encouragement right? I just joined SP last week but so far I have learned that when you are down other people are up so we can all help balance eachother out. I need to vent....the title of my last blog was whah! whah! Grrrrrr! Pout! :) But then on the good days I have somewhere to post my progress and inspire others.

p.s. Thanks for the blog...now I know there is hope for my knees! emoticon

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WINNIEVIOLA 10/30/2010 10:06PM

  I enjoy focusing on the positive because I hear the negative almost every where else. Somebody's too busy or too tired. Ya know?

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LMMIMI 10/30/2010 9:19PM

    Thank you for your blog. We are only human and have negative feelings at different time. Thanks goodness for my family and friends who remind me of where I am at. My SparkPeople help me when I get down on myself. As I have gotten older I find I am far more positive and take one day at a time. emoticon emoticon

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SPMOM2 10/29/2010 10:44PM

    nice to read, thanks for sharing


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SLIMTHICK2 10/29/2010 3:41PM

    emoticon thanks for pinpointing those weak areas that I need to work on. All the best. emoticon

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ROBINKP1 10/29/2010 2:31PM

    GREAT BLOG! THANK YOU AGAIN!

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SKANESSA 10/29/2010 12:39PM

  "Well now that I am eating crap on a daily basis and justifying it why am I not losing weight? It must be that working out is doing nothing so now I am going to stop working out and keep eating junk because I am mad".

I have so been there. And have always known it was a ridiculous, defeatist attitude, however reading those words really hits it home how absurd it is.

I'm going to say that to myself, out loud, should I head toward that path again. Then I'll roll my eyes at myself, put down the cookie and hop on the treadmill. thanks!

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ITSABOUTME2407 10/29/2010 11:58AM

    emoticon

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SKINNYMINNIE25 10/29/2010 11:42AM

    We all make mistakes. It's when we want to blame others and act like victims that we are really shooting ourselves in the food...I mean foot...lol. You are so right...learn the lesson, loose the guilt. Sometimes we feel bad, do stupid things and make less than healthy choices...but hopefully doing it less than last week, month, year...lifetime!

Skinny
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POSITIVESTEPS 10/29/2010 11:37AM

    You are so right on. It is about how we respond to our feelings that really matters and that is where the choices come in. Thanks for your blog today.

Comment edited on: 10/29/2010 11:43:24 AM

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JAE_HENNINGTON 10/29/2010 9:27AM

  its all about balance... yes acknowledge the negative, accent the positive.. I am learning to be positive since I have usually lived on the negative side of life.. I can tell you I am a lot happier than I use to be when I do that

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DOODIE59 10/29/2010 9:21AM

    Once again SPers get to benefit from your wisdom! Thank you.

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AGGIE56 10/29/2010 9:14AM

    I appreciate your comments here because I'm feeling pretty low today. My weight hasn't gone down for about 7 months, and I know what's causing it...I'm eating more than I need. However, I'm still exercising, and that's the ONLY reason I'm not gaining. But, your right about trying to find the positive in this negative situation. I've still lost 80 pounds, I'm still feeling really good, I'm off blood pressure medicine, and my exercise routine is pretty solid. It will all come together again and I just need to do my best to make it happen each and every day. emoticon

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BETHIE_BOO 10/29/2010 8:36AM

    I've been trying to teach my kids this- it is okay to be angry, or sad, or whatever, but when you are angry you can't throw my couch cushions. Isn't it awkward for me to realize that I don't acknowledge my negative feelings in a productive way? Ouch! emoticon

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JBMT08 10/29/2010 8:35AM

    emoticon emoticon

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ADVENTURE-GIRL 10/29/2010 1:51AM

    Great attitude. Thanks for sharing.

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OBURRELL 10/28/2010 11:58PM

    Thank you! Sometimes I feel so bad about blogging when the day hasn't gone well or I feel bad about the day so I noticed that I don't post on the days I need encouragement the most. Thank you for reminding us that it's ok to be a little down sometimes-it's all about how you pick yourself up and continue the journey!

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CARILOUIE 10/27/2010 6:26AM

    You are so right about the negative feelings. The great thing about putting *all* our feelings into these blogs is that support is there no matter what. Our Spark Friends cheer our successes, and give us a boost when we need it.

Congrats on those steps!

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ERLYWA 10/26/2010 8:39PM

    Beautifully stated! I just wrote a blog a couple of days ago that is really similar, about not beating ourselves up for our mistakes and instead, trying to learn from them. I also think it's important that, while acknowledging that we may feel negative, cynical, frustrated or bitter on a particular day, it's even more important not to beat ourselves up when that happens....for feeling these feelings, or for making a mistake, or anything else for that matter. It's important to acknowledge whatever we are feeling, not beat ourselves up and not use those feelings as excuses.

I absolutely love your blogs! :)

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PS: way to go with the stairs progress! I go up 25 steps each day to work, and I am soooo looking forward to the day when I'm not out of breath when I do it! :)

Comment edited on: 10/26/2010 8:40:29 PM

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KARLYNCANDOIT 10/26/2010 4:13PM

    Just what I needed to read today~ emoticon

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JRSGIRL1995 10/26/2010 2:50PM

    emoticon

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TEXASMOM68 10/26/2010 2:25PM

    You are a fabulous person. I hope to change my outlook on life and try to be more positive and self loving. I have hated myself for as long as I can remember. I too was in sports. I was a competitive swimmer with twice a day workouts (about 4 hours a day), and once on Saturdays. Even then I thought of myself as the "big" girl.

You are an inspiration. Please drop me a line if you have the time. I require lots of encouragement....LOL
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GIRANIMAL 10/26/2010 1:44PM

    Great reminder! Thank you.

And emoticon on your high-heeled sprint!

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TIFFYBABY26 10/26/2010 1:08PM

    I love your blog!! It's amazing cuz your blog just explained exactly how I have felt and also told me what I need to do to fix it , when I feel like throwing in the towel.

I will be sure to read this on days I am feeling down!! Thanks for being an inspiration!

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FLWRCHLD97 10/26/2010 12:02PM

    Woo hoo, so very true! Thanks for putting it out there.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ROBINSNEWNEST 10/26/2010 11:53AM

    Agreed. It's not what happens, it's our response to what happens.

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MAIA2011 10/26/2010 11:46AM

    It's easy to get stuck in negative feelings. You're right! We can't control our feelings and there is no reason to try. We can change are behaviors. THAT's what I am working on right now.

Thanks for always reporting the good and the "bad."

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RIGBY31 10/26/2010 11:20AM

    Negative feelings are just part of life. What you do with them can make all the difference. Every day, every one of us has a choice in the negative "fork in the road". Choose wisely and the outcome can be so freeing. Stay strong.
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MZSLYDE01 10/26/2010 11:15AM

    Again another great blog. Wish I had the words to speak like you do.
I love that you ran up the stairs in heels. HOW POWERFUL.


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MRSSIBRAT 10/26/2010 10:26AM

    this is soo true....so many times we are afraid to show that we are struggling or having a hard time....love your blog!!

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APMAC_D 10/26/2010 10:21AM

    You are right, there are many aspects to the journey- not all are great. Wow you ran up the stairs in heels?? I can hardly walk in heels hahahaha Happy Tuesday!

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RED_WRITINGHOOD 10/26/2010 9:52AM

    Great blog!! We definitely need to vent sometimes and not hold things in.

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UNSTOPPABLEJEN 10/26/2010 9:30AM

    Ashley, not only are blogs like this necessary and healthy for anyone on a weight loss journey to write, I believe that they are also healthy and affirming to read. I love the positivity here on SparkPeople, but at the same time, knowing that it is not all "super happy fun time" for other people besides me is a relief. Reading posts like this also helps me to stay focused, because I can read a blog like yours and see your progress and realize that even though these periods of frustration/boredom/negativity do occur, they will pass eventually if I stay the course and I do not get sidetracked or give up (you obviously haven't given up, or you would not have the success that you currently enjoy!) I think blogs like this provide an important counterbalance to remind everyone that while it isn't always fun or easy, it is ALWAYS worth it.

Thank you for blogging about this - I always enjoy reading your blogs. Keep 'em coming!

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RIVERDLC 10/26/2010 9:19AM

    I agree that we can not use a bad day to stop Sparking. I had a horrible day and will not be able to workout but I will get up later before work and start over!!!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 10/26/2010 9:14AM

    I agree, no need to apologize for your feelings! We're here to support each other through all of it the good, the bad and the ugly!

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LANAIDAMERON2 10/26/2010 9:08AM

    What a perfect time for me to read this blog. Thank you so much for sharing this. Lately every decision has been really hard and in the back of my mind I keep questioning myself. Am I going to go the distance? Am I going to stay fat? And I beg myself, please, please don't quit. In the begining I was so excited to be really making changes that I didn't feel negative. So now I keep forcing myself to think positive, every day is a victory, your blog reinforces that it is ok to have the feelings...as long as I continue to conquer them!

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

Self Diagnosis: Phantom Fat Syndrome

Monday, October 25, 2010

Sounds like it could be a real condition right hehe? Have you ever heard of how people after they experience the lose of a limb say they still feel it there even years after the loss? That is kind of how I feel sometimes. After losing 73 lbs I am quite a bit smaller but I don't feel that way.
Before I used to barely fit in a booth or worry at a restaurant if the seats were too close to another table.

Now when I go to sit down I still do the strange suck in and contort in weird angles to get into the seat and.... there is a foot of space extra. People must look at me like I am a weirdo.

Before I used to have to turn sideways to get past someone or smash myself up against the wall in fear of ridicule

Now I can comfortably walk past someone in the hall and there are no issues but I still try to squish out of the way

Before my dog or my fiancé couldn't lay next to me on the couch because there was only a few inches to the edge. This was one of the things that was the most upsetting to me.

Now when I sneak the dog onto the couch when my fiancé isn't home emoticon there is room for him and me and plenty more space beyond. Last night when he hopped up I smashed myself up against the back of the couch and sucked in and then looked down and was genuinely shocked by how much space there was.

Before when we would sit next to each other I would spill into his seat and still not be comfortable. He sweetly always pretended he just liked to be so close to me.

Now we have plenty of room and then some and my knees don't ache anymore from being stuck in the same position.

Before I automatically grabbed the largest size on the rack.

Now I still have the instinct to grab the largest size but intellectually I know I am much much smaller so I grab the most recent size I have been wearing and the next size smaller.

I still most days don't see myself as different. I went to have coffee with a girl friend of mine and she hadn't seen me since I started SP. She could not believe how different I look. I still have days where it is hard for me to see it because I still feel like the fat is there. Whenever I feel like this I put on my old pair of big pants and laugh at how big they are on me. I even am down another pants size which made me happy because I have been feeling like I am so bottom heavy. I wish fat was lost all over and not in some strange fun house random way because I really wanted little boobs and a big butt (yes, that is sarcasm). I even had to give up my trophy 7 brand jeans that I bought when I first lost the big chunk of weight. I was so emotionally attached to them but I finally had to admit as much as they meant to me they weren't flattering and someone else should get to appreciate them too. I am glad they get to continue to make someone else happy as well. It made me realize I am more than a number on a scale or a size in a pair of jeans. It also made me realize that this fight will not just be about losing the weight but fighting against my perceptions of myself.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOIDAEG 2/10/2011 9:11AM

    wow, I just found this blog entry. I think I have this right now. I've lost 37 pounds so far and I really have a hard time believing that I have lost this much. I'm down about 3 pant sizes yet I still sort of feel the way I did 37 pounds ago. When I see myself in the mirror I still see the old me. The fat me even though I'm right in the middle this time. I see all my problem areas and I hate it. I hope they disappear after I am done with the weight loss. But I'm afraid I'll always see the fat me or just something wrong that I don't ilke. I sure hope not though! Gotta work hard on that :) Thanks!

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PINK-PEONY 11/3/2010 8:52PM

    I loved this blog. Not only do I have Phantom Fat Syndrome, I am sort of afraid to wear clothes that do fit. I laugh that it's like "The Nutty Professor" when the elixir wears off and he instantly fills back out; what if that happens to me and I am wearing clothes that fit, lol?

Melissa

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CUBSFAN876 11/2/2010 10:17AM

    I really understand this post. I know for myself, with having weight issues most of my life, no matter how well I'm doing, I still see "the heavy me" and I have to fight that.

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CUDDLYPOLARBEAR 10/31/2010 5:20PM

    Excellent post

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CRYSTAL1963 10/31/2010 4:10PM

    i thought it was just me...none of my friends understand how i see myself emoticon emoticon

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RUNJUMPFLY 10/31/2010 12:36PM

    I recently read about Phantom Fat Syndrome (PFS) elsewhere on the net and was telling my sister about it - she thinks it's hilarious! I am getting close to my goal weight, but am finding it hard to believe that I won't still be fat then. It's sad that we have to work so hard on our mental health to get weight loss happening, then when its done we have to work hard again to readjust!

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RUNJUMPFLY 10/31/2010 12:36PM

    I recently read about Phantom Fat Syndrome (PFS) elsewhere on the net and was telling my sister about it - she thinks it's hilarious! I am getting close to my goal weight, but am finding it hard to believe that I won't still be fat then. It's sad that we have to work so hard on our mental health to get weight loss happening, then when its done we have to work hard again to readjust!

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RUNJUMPFLY 10/31/2010 12:36PM

    I recently read about Phantom Fat Syndrome (PFS) elsewhere on the net and was telling my sister about it - she thinks it's hilarious! I am getting close to my goal weight, but am finding it hard to believe that I won't still be fat then. It's sad that we have to work so hard on our mental health to get weight loss happening, then when its done we have to work hard again to readjust!

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RUNJUMPFLY 10/31/2010 12:36PM

    I recently read about Phantom Fat Syndrome (PFS) elsewhere on the net and was telling my sister about it - she thinks it's hilarious! I am getting close to my goal weight, but am finding it hard to believe that I won't still be fat then. It's sad that we have to work so hard on our mental health to get weight loss happening, then when its done we have to work hard again to readjust!

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WINNIEVIOLA 10/30/2010 10:10PM

  I gained 60 lbs. after my second child and have lost most of it again after several years. I can totally relate! It's hit me both ways. That's a great term!

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LONGLEGGEDLYNN 10/29/2010 7:55PM

    Very clever blog! I can relate to the "disbelief" when trying on clothes in new sizes.

Keep on blogging, you are an inspiration!

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MECHANGEL 10/29/2010 10:37AM

    Phantom Fat Syndrome - what a perfect term. I have bought some smaller clothes but I don't wear them. Instead, I keep wearing clothes that are 2-3 sizes bigger, that are uncomfortable because they are too big.

You've inspired me to put my old clothes away and stick to the right-size clothes.

I really like your blogs.

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HANNAH_CALM 10/28/2010 11:47PM

    I love this post, and can totally relate to wanting the fat to come off evenly.

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KHELMAN 10/28/2010 10:59PM

    i also have a big perception of myself since i originally started my dieting in 3/09 at 272 pounds and got down to 258 by 3/10 not so good but better than none. I stayed the same from 3/10 till 10/10/10 so at least i maintained it instead of gaining it all back. now with the help of a friend that told me about spark people and this site i feel like i can actually do this as long as i follow through with keeping track of my calories and exercise emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BAREADER 10/28/2010 9:58PM

    I understand, it took me awhile to "lose the fat in my mind" so to speak. Wondering where my belly went, surprised when I caught sight of myself in the mirror, picking out clothes that were too big. It also took a long time for me to realize I was fat in the first place, I used to tell people I had the opposite of anorexia, I thought I was thin. I think when I finally accepted the fact that I was overweight was the turning point for me, that's when I was finally able to do something about it. I still can't quite get a grip on the fact that I am not over weight anymore, but I'm getting there.

Congrats on your 70 lb. weight loss, I only had to lose 40 and that was a chore. Your mind will catch up to your body eventually, so keep up the good work. I never want to go back to where I was.

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JOAN_HEO 10/28/2010 7:52PM

    I see my face in the mirror and I don't know who it is. When I realize it's me, I just smile...a lot! =)

Great blog!

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ILUVTOTAT 10/28/2010 5:00PM

    Thanks for putting into words so well exactly what it feels like for me, too! I still look at my jeans before I put them on and think, "Yeah right. That might go halfway up my thigh if I'm lucky."

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SAMMYSWEETPEA 10/28/2010 4:20PM

    Great post! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

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STIPER23 10/28/2010 3:33PM

    I understand! I catch myself in the mirror sometimes and it hits me that my body just has a different shape now. I cannot get used to it!

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KRAWRS 10/28/2010 2:35PM

    This is a REALLY great blog. Thanks for sharing! You lost a lot of weight! Good job! But yes, the reason we got the size we did in the first place doesn't just go away with each pound lost... our emotions are still there and perceptions are hard to shake. Getting to know ourselves the way we are post-weight-loss is just another part of the journey, one hardly anyone ever talks about. Good job acknowledging it! :D

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PROPMAN1 10/28/2010 2:33PM

  Have lost about 10 pounds and still find that some days that Fat Girl makes an appearance despite my best efforts. Thanks for sharing. emoticon

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EMILY1244 10/28/2010 1:01PM

    Great blog! I can TOTALLY relate to your perceptions. I refer to my PFS as "Fat Girl". She lives in my head, and tries to convince me to quit trying to get healthy. She tells me that I won't find clothes in the Juniors' section and I am destined to stay in Plus Sizes. After 70+ lbs lost, you'd think she would hush up, but she still comes out sometimes. That's why I like having my picture taken now, because its really the only way that I can see the progress I have made.

I had to laugh at your comment about still trying to smush yourself out of the way when passing people in the hallway, cuz I still do that too! They just look at me like I am strange...

Congratulations on your success so far and good luck on your journey!

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NINJA_SMOO 10/28/2010 12:18PM

  I had kinda the opposite experience a few months ago from yours of someone seeing how different you were from losing all that weight. A relatively newer friend of mine was over and the screen saver of my computer is a slideshow of my photos. And a picture of me a few years ago came up and she said 'who is that?'. I was devastated! I knew (obviously) that I had gained quite a bit of weight but not the point of no longer being recognisable as me... It shocked me. But the bright side of that is it brought me back to spark and here I am still, a few months later and a little bit lighter.

Anyway, congratulations on all your hard work paying off. 73lbs lost is a huge achievement.

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PHEBESS 10/28/2010 11:06AM

    Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror unexpectedly, and wonder who is that person? Because I don't expect to see myself looking this small! So I totally understand Phantom Fat Syndrome (PFT for short!).

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LLEWIS6879 10/28/2010 9:57AM

    So true. It's as big a change mentally as it is physically. I still cringe when someone gets a camera out even though I've lost 40 pounds...

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MUSIKGIRL 10/28/2010 9:54AM

  This blog was well written. Right now, I squeeze into booths and mostly shop for clothes out of catalog because I'm too big to shop in stores. I hope one day that I'll be able to say that I have phantom fat syndrome.

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JBMT08 10/28/2010 8:39AM

    This is so enlightening! Thank you so much for sharing all of your thoughts!!!! emoticon

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ANNETTE1024 10/28/2010 8:10AM

    I believe you have come up with a real diagnosis! I have lost 2 inches in my waist and 1 in my hips, yet only a few pounds. I don't see or feel the difference. My husband does and tells me how sexy I look and how my belly use to stick out, but now it doesn't and my arms were really big and now they aren't (my arms haven't changed at all in size-but maybe they are just rearranging emoticon) Anyway, I really like what SMOCKON said about if you see you have more pictureswith your now body (to compare against your then body) frequently, you'll bridge the disconnect.

emoticon on all the positive changes you've made!

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SHOSHANADP 10/28/2010 7:16AM

    Even with smaller amounts of weight loss I still do some of the same things.

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BETTYK44 10/28/2010 5:47AM

    wow, what an encouraging blog!
Thank You!

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SUSH_ASH 10/28/2010 2:06AM

    nice blog ash emoticon

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MAIA2011 10/26/2010 11:42AM

    I had to laugh about the small boobs big butt comment. I love your blogs so much because you are always discovering new wonderful things and you are so perfect in capturing all the details. It makes me happy!

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HAPPINESS-IS--- 10/26/2010 11:09AM

  I totally can relate to this Blog! I've lost 49 pounds so far and still can't believe it! I'm working on my fat emotions! But there are times when I realize my accomplishments like, when I catch my reflection in a mirror, or even my shadow from the sun and have to take a double take! I finally bought a NEW pair of jeans that fit me and I'm on top of the world! I've been walking around in my old baggy pants and feeling frumpy. It's amazing how little things like jeans can give you an extra confidence boost!
Good luck on your journey! emoticon emoticon

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BELLALUCIA 10/26/2010 11:00AM

    Great blog as always! I fit into xl pants that I could hardly get over my tush a month ago! I will post a pic with me in those pants for an after picture. Congrats. on your success! You deserve it!

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SMOCKON 10/26/2010 9:44AM

    Great blog! Heehee on letting the dog on the couch. Dogs are very good at taking up all available space. emoticon Seriously, though, maybe you should try putting out some recent photos (and taking some, if you don't have many recent ones!). Seeing your new body frequently as others see you might help you bridge the disconnect.

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HLTHYETER 10/26/2010 7:55AM

    Good name for it and good blog!

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BIGMAMAT 10/26/2010 7:28AM

    Great blog Ashley! emoticon

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KATHLOW 10/26/2010 4:03AM

    fyi: people don't look at you like you're a weirdo:-) . You worked hard for this, enjoy the extra lap space (but don't give up on snuggling up close to the dog and boyfriend :-))

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 10/25/2010 11:18PM

    I still wear my big ole pants that are falling off me and look quite okie because I have it in my mind that they still fit and I know they don't. I guess when I start noticing the difference I'll toss the pants and get something that fits. It's funny how our perception of ourselves works out. For the longest time I was in denial that I had put on so much weight and how big I was. Now that I've lost weight, I still see myself as huge. It's weird.

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MADEMCHE 10/25/2010 9:59PM

    I totally agree. I was wearing a dress and tights today and I was very self conscious of it all day, constantly pulling the dress down as it is a little shorter than the dresses that I used to wear in the past. I still think in my head that people are going to gasp in horror when they see me walking down the street in a short skirt. Yes, above the knee, how daring of me! But it comes down to confidence and the knowledge that I have worked bloody hard to get into that dress and I will wear whatever I feel like!

You have done such an amazing job Ash, you have worked and struggled, and worked some more. I am so happy for you and I am so glad that you are starting to see that smaller you too!

Love you! Maun

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FUZZY1TOO 10/25/2010 9:05PM

    I so understand what you are talking about! I have been struggling with Phantom Fat Syndrome lately myself. I was able to beat it back by buying a new pair of jeans (size 10! Woot!) and comparing pictures from May 2009 and today. There's nothing better to battle Phantom Fat than looking at before pics, let me tell you!
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You are doing an amazing job and should be very proud of yourself. I hope your Phantom Fat goes away soon, 'cuz you are turning into one Hot Mama and need to feel what you look like .
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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 10/25/2010 8:17PM

    Your amazing. I love watching your journey unfold.

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KAY-SUPREME 10/25/2010 6:33PM

    This was awesome to read. Thank you!!

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MEGSFITNESS 10/25/2010 5:42PM

    I totally relate. I love how you can relay what could be serious issues in such a humorous way :) Keeps things light instead of oppressive. It's why I like reading your blogs!



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NINNY165 10/25/2010 2:49PM

    I relate to this well. When someone tells me how go I look I have learned to just say 'thank you". I do not want to relish in the fact of weight loss nor do I want to forget how I got there before. I have maintained well over the last 10 years, just trying get off some of the last 30 lbs. I have an old picture hanging on the side of the frig to remind me that I am not the same person...physically or mentally. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NINNY165 10/25/2010 2:49PM

    I relate to this well. When someone tells me how go I look I have learned to just say 'thank you". I do not want to relish in the fact of weight loss nor do I want to forget how I got there before. I have maintained well over the last 10 years, just trying get off some of the last 30 lbs. I have an old picture hanging on the side of the frig to remind me that I am not the same person...physically or mentally. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DIVADOLL73 10/25/2010 2:41PM

    emoticon Ashley this sooooooo true!!!Our perception of ourselves are usually very critical. Yes were losing the weight, but we have to yet still work on our confidence and mental state in this process. I was the same way when I had loss 73 lbs years........ago, but I did what you do. I pulled out my old size 28 jeans and watched them drop to the floor. It still amazes me today of how in denial I was of my weight loss. Continue to do well, and keep up the great work! You are such an INSPIRATION. emoticon

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TINA5318 10/25/2010 1:25PM

    emoticon Great blog!! Yep, it does seem strange how much "creatures of habit" we all are. We get use to the norm and that's where our minds seem to stay. Good job on your weight loss, it is an inspiration.

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MCSNYDER1 10/25/2010 1:21PM

    It's funny what our mind does to us! Your look so great! I especially liked what you said about the dog on the couch!!!!

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CHICAT63 10/25/2010 12:41PM

    I suffer from the same syndrome, wrote a blog about it after hitting my 50 pounds lost. It is a thing we need to work on, how we perceive ourselves, yeah I know easier said than done. As for your trohpy jeans, sniff I did the same the other day gave away some new work clothes from last winter. So now this calls for an another shopping trip !

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

My dream wedding dress pics

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Yes, this is a 2 blog kind of day. The wedding is in January of 2012 in his home city of Medellin, Colombia. I plan events and weddings for a living so you would think I would have it all figured out but I just haven't felt like thinking about it. I realized after a bit of time on here it was because I didn't feel good about me and a wedding would focus so much on my appearance. After watching "Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss" this season I was even more determined to be able to buy the dress of my dreams regardless of the size. I refuse to have to stuff myself into a dowdy gown because I couldn't deal with my emotional eating. Don't even get me started on how I felt that show exploited those poor women. It was sad to watch. Anyway, I am VERY picky and rarely see things I like but when I saw this dress on TV I knew it was the one. Too bad for me it is designer and 3800 dollars. My fiancé said if I really wanted it he would buy it for me but I just feel like that is too much money for something I will wear once. I would rather buy something for our house or upgrade our honeymoon etc. I am hoping I can find it cheaper or find something similar when I got shopping next spring. So what do you think?


I love everything about it. It is elegant, I love the color, I love the bling, it is sexy but not overtly.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BECKYLYNNE77 11/17/2010 4:51PM

    wow you look great

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NYARAMULA 11/11/2010 6:21AM

    I have to agree with you, it is an amazing dress!

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JANEB1208 11/10/2010 1:01PM

  I also have come to find that the dress I loved was also thousands of dollars. I got on the internet and found a web site that had the same dresses, but MUCH LESS!!! www.dhgate.com Maybe they have the dress yo want..?? Good luck and Congrats!!!

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FINDING_LOUISA 11/8/2010 7:04PM

    I hope that you're able to find someone close to it that you love that is cheaper so that the cost makes you happy while you still get the style you love. Either way you are going to look absolutly fantastic!

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PRETTYLILHEFFER 11/8/2010 5:47PM

    That is a beautiful dress! You could see if a local seamstress could make it for you, or search other stores to see if they have something similar. But as you said, you dont want to be in something dreadful. This is your one day and heck, make it work!!!!

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STFY31 11/5/2010 9:47PM

    Very pretty!!! I wish I could get married a hundred times ( Just to wear the dresses of course) I am in LOVE with my wedding dress still and it has been 5 years. I keep thinkin I should sale it but I really would like to Renew our vows at 10 yrs and still be able to wear it. I have a picture in it on my page. I am hoping to get to that size again. I was heavier than I wanted to be when I got married but at least I loved my dress right?

Good luck on your shopping adventures. emoticon

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LOISINOLA 11/5/2010 9:22PM

  The wedding dress is pretty, but you sound like me, I would rather spend less on a dress that is only going to be worn once and put the money on something else, something that both of us could use. How about starting your marriage off in a new bedroom, that's something you could both get pleasure out of.

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WEMINICH 11/5/2010 8:22PM

  Gorgeous!

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AMPER_02 11/5/2010 12:34PM

    It is absolutely STUNNING. I am sure you will look beautiful no matter what you chooose. You could probably find something similar in color and shape at a discount bridal store.


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SMP685 11/5/2010 12:06PM

    Love the dress...its really pretty!!! And I am sure if you do decide to get it, you'll look gorgeous in it. emoticon

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JOANELAINE5 10/31/2010 8:36AM

    The dress is beautiful. You will be to. My daughter is getting married in May 2011. We are going to look at dresses also. This is a wonderful time in a girl's life. And just as wonderful for the Mother of the Bride. PS I'm hoping to loose 33 lbs (already lost 9) by that time. The bigger challenge will be to keep it off. I never have before. I am expecting that SP and my team will be the answer this time. emoticon

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SLIMGOODY160 10/29/2010 9:33AM

    Absolutely gorgeous dress. Just keep shopping around, you will find it much cheaper. emoticon

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PROPMAN1 10/28/2010 2:39PM

  Congrats on your engagement. Definitely get pics of this dress and go to a good/reputable seamstress. Most can make a dress so close to the one you want -it's amazing! Good Luck.

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REJ7777 10/28/2010 1:33PM

    The dress is just beautiful! Very elegant. I recommend you bring a picture of it to an excellent seamstress who can probably make you a similar one at a fraction of the cost.

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FLY0NTHEWAL1 10/28/2010 9:27AM

    I'm not the only one to mention this, so I am definitely seconding (or more!) that you bring pictures to a dress maker and have her make one for you. It'll be a fraction of the cost and you'll still get the style you want - plus any personalization you want! Good luck!

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MFOLAND1 10/27/2010 5:19PM

    Beautiful dress! Hmmmm...that dress could be an awesome reward for reaching your weightloss goal ;) Although...speaking from experience, some dresses look awesome on the rack but once you get it on...it just isn't you. If that makes since. Try lots on and you will feel it when it is right ;-) Good luck!

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WW_KAREN 10/27/2010 7:27AM

    Its a beautiful dress. Maybe if you search around you may find a pretty close knock off of it. My daughter wanted a certain prom dress, but she didn't want to ask me to pay that much money so she searched online until she found a close knock off for half the price and she was beautiful in that dress.

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RANDOM00B 10/26/2010 10:42AM

    That is a BEAUTIFUL dress. $3800 for a dress is a lot, but you are worth it (if you and/or he can afford it, of course)!!!

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GILLIANPERI 10/26/2010 5:26AM

  I bought a beautiful, elegenat - expensive dress - and I dont regret it! I deserved it, I generally dont buy expensive things. I preserved it and hope my daughter can wear it some day.

Remember this is your day to be the princess . . .

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LITTLEFIREFLY 10/25/2010 1:09PM

  I love the dress!!

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DANCINGELEPHANT 10/25/2010 9:54AM

    If you're set on the dress, you're set on the dress. If you can be persuaded by a recent bride though, I'll tell you that there are so many wedding expenses that come up at the last minute that you want to try and save pennies where you can.

I got my wedding dress from eBay for $200 and then modified it with my mother-in-law's help (it's in several of my pictures). Everyone kept commenting about how much they liked the dress and how creative it was. I DO have a few suggestions for you.

#1 - Have you looked at thrift stores? The other day, I was at a store that basically had NEW wedding dresses (probably worn once or never worn at all after aborted weddings) for $20. They weren't ugly, either...I would have bought one of them if I was getting married. I think people just don't know what to do with the dress that they spent a million dollars on, so they end up there. I actually have a gorgeous $800 size 16 wedding dress sitting in my closet, never worn (it was too big when my wedding actually came) that I have to find a home for. I will basically have to give it away since it is considered "out of season," although I have a friend who might want it.

#2 - Have you looked at bridal consignment stores? The other day, I was looking at a store to get a dress for the masquerade ball I went to. I actually ended up making my own costume from thrift store parts, but there were a lot of dresses there for sale in the $100-200 range... several were replicas of the beautiful dress you posted.

In either case, it is totally worth looking at/trying on dresses at these less expensive places. Even if it is not EXACTLY what you want, there's probably a dress out there that would take some quick modifications to achieve a similar look, PLUS it will be uniquely yours!

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VGIMLET 10/25/2010 9:20AM

    It IS lovely.

I agree, try it on and see if you even like it on you. Plus, you are not getting married until 2012 - keep an eye on it and see if it goes on sale, too, especially if you don't want a knock-off.

Me, I didn't want to spend that much for a dress I'd just wear one day. But that was me, I was very frugal back in the old days. (And we were VERY young and poor, LOL.)

Our nephew's wife got a very expensive dress, and then sold it after the wedding. So, another idea. It was sold before she wore it. emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/25/2010 9:21:54 AM

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ALLFORME40 10/24/2010 10:29PM

    It is a beautiful dress! I would recommend going and trying on the $3800 thing and seeing if you like it on you. It's sometimes different to see it on. And, if you still like it, checking with a local seamstress is a great idea. Congratulations!!! on the engagement! You'll look beautiful no matter what you're wearing.

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CELDRIDGE68 10/24/2010 11:03AM

    love the dress...it is gorgeous!!!

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CALIKIKI 10/23/2010 10:16PM

    Gorgeous. Can you have it made by a local seamstress?

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HDHAWK 10/23/2010 8:49PM

    I absolutely love it!

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BELLALUCIA 10/23/2010 8:40PM

    U'll make a beautiful bride hon!

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KRAWRS 10/23/2010 8:20PM

    Congrats on your engagement! It is a beauuuuuuuuuutiful dress! I understand how you feel about dress shopping. I put mine off for awhile for the very same reason. In the end, though, I still had a lot of fun. You have to bring the right people along, which I did, and most of the dresses I ended up having a lot of fun trying on. FYI, I found a beautiful and elegant dress at Davids Bridal for $350... so its definitely possible to find a gorgeous gown without a thousands-dollar price tag! Good luck finding your dream dress!

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KIRSTEN 10/23/2010 7:26PM

    Beautiful. I hope you find a less expensive version.

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GRACEISENUF 10/23/2010 5:16PM

    Stunning.

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FIRESTARINFINI 10/23/2010 4:32PM

    Beautiful. I bet though, you could get someone to make that for you for cheaper.

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CSMARTIE 10/23/2010 4:09PM

    Great dress! My sister in law was in love with an expensive dress too - but then she found a knock off on the internet for less than $200! It was a gorgeous dress - I am sure it was cheaper material but don't forget its one day and the pics are really what last you more than the actual dress. I am sure you know way more about this than me anyway...but jsut like purses everyone ends up copying the designers anyway....good luck you look great...

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HIKETOHEIGHTS 10/23/2010 2:36PM

    I love it! Its so beautiful.

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NINNY165 10/23/2010 1:21PM

    The dress is gorgeous!!! I love your blog I see u in me. Keep on keeping on!!! emoticon emoticon

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UHYEAHABOUTTHAT 10/23/2010 11:10AM

    That is a beautiful dress! And the color is perfect for you, too. You can probably find something very similar to it for a better price. Have you tried this one on yet? You might be surprised what you end up choosing. (I'm sure you know this.. You've probably given the same speech to brides before in the same situation) You'll find it and you will look SO beautiful!
As for Say Yes to the Dress...Oh...I hate that show.. I'll watch it from time to time, but it really makes women look like brats. I like watching it for the dresses, but that's about it. I did not see the "big bliss" episode, but I saw the commercials.
I am excited for you!!!

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MIDGIEDAWN2 10/23/2010 10:04AM

    It's beautiful. Simple, classy lines. Go for it!

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COOKWITHME65 10/23/2010 8:11AM

    Absolutely gorgeous Ashley. Have you considered looking into having a seamstress make it for you or befriending a bridal showroom owner into getting it wholesale as you probably send them business anyway. At the very least find some one who has in stock so you can try it on so you know its what you want.

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MAIA2011 10/23/2010 3:22AM

    You would look beautiful in this. I say go for it! You only get married once so skimp on something stupid like flowers and get THE dress.

Just a thought!

emoticon

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TRABOLD8567 10/23/2010 1:23AM

  It's gorgeous! But you're very sensible not to overspend on the dress. Good luck with everything

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JUSTFOXXY 10/22/2010 11:27PM

    This is a gorgeous dress.

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ELSCO55 10/22/2010 10:46PM

    Beautiful dress. Best wishes.

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YESWEDID 10/22/2010 9:29PM

    pretty dress!

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PRYCELESS1 10/22/2010 4:38PM

    That is a stunning dress.These guys are right, you should try plenty of dresses before you decide for sure. I'm a bit of a tomboy and i ended up going for the girliest dress in the shop after a whole day of trying them on. You should feel like a princess when you find "the one". I'm sure you will look beautiful in whatever dress you pick.
emoticon emoticon

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MYOWNHERO 10/22/2010 3:47PM

    I have seen many beautiful wedding dresses on eBay. You just might find your dream dress there! Some brides buy more than one dress and then decide at the last minute. Often they have never even been worn once!

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NANHBH 10/22/2010 2:29PM

    Ash,

It's a stunning dress! Go for it! Find a good seamstress to make it for you! It's YOU!



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FITCOFFEEMOM357 10/22/2010 2:24PM

    I just love wedding dresses. I bet if you shop around and do your research (even maybe have someone make one for you) you will find something similar. I thought I knew what I wanted...I tried on 6 different dresses before I found the one (14yrs ago). I once thought the only dress I would wear was Alfred Angelo until I found "the dress". I still love my dress to this day and could not imagine ever wearing anything...KWIM.

Best of luck on the shopping part.

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GETDONE 10/22/2010 2:13PM

    emoticon emoticon

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KATHYJO56 10/22/2010 2:05PM

    I think that this dress is absolutely gorgeous and that you will be gorgeous in it! It is simple, elegant, and you will look like a true princess in it. emoticon emoticon

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MARCYNA 10/22/2010 2:03PM

    Wow, it's amazing...anyway try several ones before you choose emoticon

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RESTLESSSPIRIT 10/22/2010 1:51PM

  Go for it,,beautiful.....enjoy

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

Learning to let go of jealousy

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Thanks everyone for voting my blog yesterday a popular blog! It made me so proud to read all of your amazing supportive comments. I have worked hard to get here and it makes it even better to have so much love and support. Several comments mentioned my fiancé is hot and, yeah he is, and it made me think a lot. In fact, I was mentally writing this blog on the elliptical last night as I did sprints. Makes the time go by faster when you are lost in your own head.
Yes, my fiancé is hot, like really hot. Girls and women alike stare at him, constantly. The first thing my mother said to me when she met him was "wow, Ash, he is gorgeous". It is nice to hear but what I never told anyone was how hard it is to be the woman with a really hot guy. Some women are shameless and I can not even tell you how many times girls would hit on him right in front of me. I mean literally act like I was not even there. Why I fell in love with him was actually that he is as wonderful of a person as he is attractive so his looks are just a bonus to me but he doesn't see himself as "the hot guy" so sometimes he wouldn't even realize they were coming on to him. He is a bad liar too so I would know if he was just saying that to make me feel better. What hurt the most was when I realized these women were doing it because they assumed he couldn't possibly be with me. How could a guy who could have them want a morbidly obese woman? I cried many nights over feelings like this and my jealousy issues almost were the end of us. He has been supportive and understanding of my self esteem issues but how much can one person take before they can't take it anymore? We came close to finding out. Any woman who looked his way would instantly send me on a jealous tirade in my head and lead to me picking fights. I would obsessing look at his facebook and look at his cellphone records. Yes, all of this is humiliating and I can say I never behaved like this before. My ex husband even had a best friend that was female and I was never jealous of her for a second. One day my fiancé told me as gently as possible that he was feeling suffocated and I needed to figure out a way to get past this. That he loves me and only me and he needs me to stop suffocating him with my fear he would leave. It was like a slap in the face. I thought about this constantly and it was the push I needed to start losing weight. I realized that until I made myself happy with me I would never let this go. At my biggest I had stopped dressing nice, doing my hair, I only wore makeup when I saw him and it was eating at my self esteem. I always was a girly girl and to literally look in the mirror and not see myself anymore was crushing. Honestly, in size 30 how cute could I look?
Taking charge of my health has done so much more for me than improve my looks. It improved my soul. The gym is like my therapy. There is no drug in the world better than a runners high. I obsess about it when I used to obsess about tiramisu. I am obsessed with window shopping but I rarely buy now because it won't fit in a month. That just made me smile. I don't even remember the last time before SP that I shopped for fun. Now I go in stores just to try things on. I buy fun makeup just to play with and it feels great to have the confidence to be back to indulging my girly side. The best part, and the point of this post, was I have been able to let go of my jealousy. Feeling better about myself and finding my self worth has allowed me to feel I have value and not that he is going to find someone better just because they are thin. I learned to stop making my issues his issues and to stop seeing other women as the enemy. Yes, there will always be shallow people and people who don't respect your relationship but trusting myself and trusting my partner will get us through anything. I am done letting myself inferior to other people because of my appearance.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MINDY502 11/5/2010 8:32AM

    Liked your blog. Glad you have found that happiness in yourself and your self worth. Keep going strong!

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ILOVEDOLPHINS73 11/5/2010 7:52AM

    I can see why this was a popular post...GREAT JOB in self-reflection and honesty. I have felt parts of this, particularly the parts about how I felt about myself and passing those negative feelings on to others. I'm really proud of you, for posting this and doing something to actually make a change in YOUR life that will positively impact those around you. Tanya

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NINA379 11/3/2010 1:17PM

    Thanks for sharing this blog! The things you write about sound familiar. But I made it through that and so will you. emoticon

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LUBAML 10/28/2010 11:17PM

    Great Blog! Thanks for sharing! I'm happy for you! emoticonLuba

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SHORTCAKE1023 10/28/2010 4:04PM

    All I can say is THANK YOU!! I too have struggled with the exact issues you describe. I actually ruined my marriage over them. I am in a new relationship and don't want to ruin it because of my issues, so I am going to attempt to be like you and not be that jealous person. I know he loves me and now I have to love me. emoticon

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SALSA_DIVA_44 10/28/2010 11:50AM

    Thank you for this blog it touched home in alot of ways.. I thank God everyday for my husband who loves me regardless of any physical weight issues I have with myself. He is more than I could of asked for on any level, and I refuse to believe anything other than I deserve him, just as much as he deserves me. I will continue to press toward feeling like the HOT wife he tells me that I am everyday!! Thanks again!!

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BLOOM49 10/26/2010 9:56PM

    So nice to read your blog. emoticon

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KIMERIKA 10/26/2010 9:31PM

    WOW I sooo needed to read this tonight. I've been struggling with the same problems this very evening. My boyfriend is hot and sooo much thinner than I. It causes me to question why he is with me and i find myself checking his facebook and phone because i'm terrified he's going to run out on me, even though he has given me no reason to think this. He is supportive, sweet, loving and treats me like i'm the only woman in the world, but i still have this fear of him leaving and jealousy of other woman looking at him or talking to him. I think deep down i've always known it was my issue and not his but reading your blog just brought it all forward. These are the result of my insecurities, nothing he has done. I need to work on myself.
Thank you so much for posting this. This has honestly and truly helped me this evening.

Comment edited on: 10/26/2010 9:53:26 PM

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MOODY9 10/26/2010 9:11PM

    Thank you for sharing your story. I struggle with loving myself and know there is no way to get into a healthy relationship until I do.

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RONIREDD 10/26/2010 4:22PM

    Wonderful blog! So, honest ... loved it. Thank you! And, you are beautiful. emoticon

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PROPMAN1 10/26/2010 12:42PM

  Thanks for sharing. Hope you both know how lucky you are to have found each other. emoticon

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KIMROID 10/26/2010 11:28AM

    Thank you for sharing. My boyfriend looks like a certain rock singer. He's also 7 years younger than me. I've seen girls try to flirt with him (he doesn't flirt back) but he is very charismatic so people are drawn to him. It didn't bother me until I gained 20+ pounds. Before then I felt pretty and felt like I could compete. Now I just feel old and fat. Just like you said, taking charge of your health is the key. It improves body, mind and soul. You are an inspiration. Thank you!





emoticon emoticon

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THATFITCHICK 10/26/2010 11:04AM

    I had the exact same problem. my ex boyfriend was gorgeous and i would always wonder why he was with me because i was so big and he was just so perfect. i spent a lot of energy hating women i dont even know, lol.

What you say is soo true, until im comfortable with myself im going to keep sabotaging my relationships with my low self esteem and the negative thinking it brings. So thank you for another insightful post.

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MINUS50PLUS00 10/26/2010 10:08AM

    Well said and thanks for sharing. U are so inspirational emoticon

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OJIBWEEQUAY 10/26/2010 9:50AM

    emoticon emoticon

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REDSASSENACH 10/26/2010 9:08AM

    Well said, and very brave to put it all out there. I doubt there's a woman out there that hasn't felt that way. I have. But body shape doesn't determine what kind of person we are. Congratulations on finding a guy that knows that- and for all your success and for realizing it yourself. There are women that'll go their whole lives without figuring it out and will never truly be happy with themselves. What a waste.

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BPHILLIPS8 10/26/2010 4:48AM

    Thanks Ash

This has given me a new outlook in my life I am in a similar situation which is what led me to SP. I am trying to like myself and be comfortable in my own skin so as to help my relationship. You blog has inspired me.

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SCHECK5 10/25/2010 4:02PM

    Keep it up way to go!!!

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SHMILY928 10/25/2010 1:06PM

    Ash,

Thanks for taking the time to share. I'm sure there are millions of women out there that can benefit from your insight.

Tiffany

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ACCEPTMYSELF 10/25/2010 11:58AM

    Way to go Ash! You are doing a great job and are very inspiring!

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NIKKI7727 10/25/2010 9:47AM

    emoticon

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TRACEY57 10/25/2010 9:11AM

  i found this to be very helpful

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INIT2LIVEIT 10/25/2010 8:51AM

    Wonderful bog. You are an inspiration!
emoticon emoticon

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MADEMCHE 10/25/2010 7:22AM

    So proud of you Ash! So very, very proud. You have come so far on your journey and re-building that self esteem is what most of us are working on. I am so happy that you have a wonderful, support man in your life and I think you have made a wonderfully looking couple the whole way through. The only thing that has changed is the size of your smile and the light in your eyes! Your spark is showing through. You are an amazing woman and he knows that. I am so glad that you are getting to know that again too! Love you! Maun

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PEARL8264 10/25/2010 6:36AM

    emoticon

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AZTLAN777 10/25/2010 1:35AM

    That is really awesome Ashley!!!! Way to go! emoticon

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LOISINOLA 10/24/2010 11:41PM

  When will people learn that it's what's inside of a person that is the most important. A person's outside can change, a thin person can get fat and a fat person can get thin.

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BUFFEDSTUFF-- 10/24/2010 11:15PM

  bravo emoticon

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SILVERHAWK 10/24/2010 3:57PM

  I have not seen your fiancé, but I have to say I know how you feel. Well, almost. I've never worried about my husband looking at or being flirted at by other women. However, I'm constantly worrying that I'm not good enough for him. However, he's been fighting my self-esteem for a decade now, and I've finally realized that he does see a beautiful woman when he looks at me. I just can't see her because all I see is the fat. So I'm losing weight so that I, too, can see the beautiful woman that is hidden by all that fat.

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KNITNYAK 10/24/2010 3:10PM

    Great blog, Ash! Isn't it amazing how losing weight works on the inside as well as the outside? Keep up the good work! emoticon

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SKINNYROBIN100 10/24/2010 1:41PM

    This is all very hard work to do and you are amazing for attempting to better yourself! Be proud of yourself for you truly deserve it!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JACKIEOHMY 10/24/2010 1:07PM

  I really needed to read this- I just got off the phone with my long-distance boyfriend (college) and we were discussing how much my lack of trust/jealousy is affecting our relationship. It is not that I don't trust him, I guess I am just jealous that he is with so many other beautiful women around school and I feel that he might compare me to them. It really makes me feel stronger knowing that other people have similar issues. Thank you for sharing.

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BETHSEM7272 10/24/2010 10:55AM

  emoticon

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MENHALLS 10/24/2010 9:10AM

    Thank-you for sharing.

emoticon

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ANNA--BANANA 10/24/2010 7:35AM

    Wow, great blog. I occasionally suffer irrational jealousy about my husband, too - but have realized it reflects my own insecurity, not anything he's done or would do! It was hard to accept that! Sounds like you are doing well and have an AWESOME fiance!!! Woo hoo!

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STITCHINGNAN 10/24/2010 6:16AM

    You deserve each other. Much hapiness Ree

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HLTHYETER 10/24/2010 12:23AM

    Congrats on your breakthrough--I understand many of your feelings. Keep your eyes on the goal and better days are ahead!

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BLOOMING52 10/24/2010 12:09AM

    Awesome

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LIBBYL1 10/23/2010 11:42PM

  he's lucky to have you

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CALIKIKI 10/23/2010 10:15PM

    Your blog hit me at a time when I needed to hear it. I was sobbing by the time I reached the end.

This is exactly what I am struggling with for the first time. Before, no matter what I weighed my mantra was either you want to be with me (because I am fabulous) or you want to be with someone else and there was no jealousy. Now...there is big time and I don't like myself so how can someone else like me?

I have a great guy who also wants to be with me but I keep wondering, why? Gaining this weight has meant that I have lost myself. Weird how getting bigger has meant I feel less like me.

It is something I am struggling with just this week. It is so hard and I needed to hear your words.

Thank you. I have added you as a friend, if that is ok?

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CEP820 10/23/2010 10:03PM

    You are making wonderful sense. Keep these words and read them to yourself weekly if not daily!

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YOUNEVERFAIL 10/23/2010 9:24PM

    thank you for sharing.

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LADY_KATHY 10/23/2010 7:30PM

    good for you. : ) I"m proud of your accomplishments regarding your self esteem.

•*´¨) †
¸.• ¸.•*´¨)¸.•*¨) †
(¸.• ♥ Kathy ♥


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AMGM2001 10/23/2010 5:14PM

    emoticon

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CNIANE 10/23/2010 1:26PM

    I've always loved your blogs because you put it right out there. I can also say that I had these problems with my husband and have gotten past them for the most part. It takes a lot of positive self talk and learning that you can't control everything in life, just your reaction to it.

You are fabulous and you're doing great. Keep up the hard work, not only with your healthy lifestyle changes, but with your healthy mental changes as well. It sounds like you found a keeper! emoticon

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CATHEITE 10/23/2010 11:30AM

    I have no idea what either of you look like. I wandered across your blog by chance. But your fiancé sounds like an incredibly caring and sensitive person. And I can tell through your writing that you're the same way. You make a beautiful couple.
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ANNETTE1024 10/23/2010 11:22AM

    Sounds like you've come a long way and aren't looking back! Good for you! He's got a keeper!

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HPOTTER4 10/23/2010 11:08AM

    That's wonderful that you can appreciate and respect yourself now.

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ROJAKHAN 10/23/2010 10:39AM

    emoticon

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KYMBERLEIGH_C 10/23/2010 10:34AM

    Wow! and OUCH!! Yes, I've been there, and it sure does sting. It makes you all crazy with jealousy and insecurity and I'm so glad you had the guts to say so. I'm sure many of us have felt that same paralyzing feeling of just"knowing" we weren't good enough for THAT guy. What a strong woman you are for saying so, and freeing yourself of that prison. Thank you for sharing your story.

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