Thursday, October 21, 2010
Thanks everyone for voting my blog yesterday a popular blog! It made me so proud to read all of your amazing supportive comments. I have worked hard to get here and it makes it even better to have so much love and support. Several comments mentioned my fiancé is hot and, yeah he is, and it made me think a lot. In fact, I was mentally writing this blog on the elliptical last night as I did sprints. Makes the time go by faster when you are lost in your own head.
Yes, my fiancé is hot, like really hot. Girls and women alike stare at him, constantly. The first thing my mother said to me when she met him was "wow, Ash, he is gorgeous". It is nice to hear but what I never told anyone was how hard it is to be the woman with a really hot guy. Some women are shameless and I can not even tell you how many times girls would hit on him right in front of me. I mean literally act like I was not even there. Why I fell in love with him was actually that he is as wonderful of a person as he is attractive so his looks are just a bonus to me but he doesn't see himself as "the hot guy" so sometimes he wouldn't even realize they were coming on to him. He is a bad liar too so I would know if he was just saying that to make me feel better. What hurt the most was when I realized these women were doing it because they assumed he couldn't possibly be with me. How could a guy who could have them want a morbidly obese woman? I cried many nights over feelings like this and my jealousy issues almost were the end of us. He has been supportive and understanding of my self esteem issues but how much can one person take before they can't take it anymore? We came close to finding out. Any woman who looked his way would instantly send me on a jealous tirade in my head and lead to me picking fights. I would obsessing look at his facebook and look at his cellphone records. Yes, all of this is humiliating and I can say I never behaved like this before. My ex husband even had a best friend that was female and I was never jealous of her for a second. One day my fiancé told me as gently as possible that he was feeling suffocated and I needed to figure out a way to get past this. That he loves me and only me and he needs me to stop suffocating him with my fear he would leave. It was like a slap in the face. I thought about this constantly and it was the push I needed to start losing weight. I realized that until I made myself happy with me I would never let this go. At my biggest I had stopped dressing nice, doing my hair, I only wore makeup when I saw him and it was eating at my self esteem. I always was a girly girl and to literally look in the mirror and not see myself anymore was crushing. Honestly, in size 30 how cute could I look?
Taking charge of my health has done so much more for me than improve my looks. It improved my soul. The gym is like my therapy. There is no drug in the world better than a runners high. I obsess about it when I used to obsess about tiramisu. I am obsessed with window shopping but I rarely buy now because it won't fit in a month. That just made me smile. I don't even remember the last time before SP that I shopped for fun. Now I go in stores just to try things on. I buy fun makeup just to play with and it feels great to have the confidence to be back to indulging my girly side. The best part, and the point of this post, was I have been able to let go of my jealousy. Feeling better about myself and finding my self worth has allowed me to feel I have value and not that he is going to find someone better just because they are thin. I learned to stop making my issues his issues and to stop seeing other women as the enemy. Yes, there will always be shallow people and people who don't respect your relationship but trusting myself and trusting my partner will get us through anything. I am done letting myself inferior to other people because of my appearance.