Friday, October 15, 2010
Yesterday as I was leaving work to go to the gym I saw an older man walking home. He was still wearing his smock from the local grocery store and his gait was labored as he had to swing himself heavily from side to side. At first I felt pity for his disability and thanked god that I am lucky enough to be healthy and not have major issues that affect my ability to move. As I was thinking this the mans face absolutely lit up and I looked over to see the cutest black and white splotchy cat coming running down the stone wall to meet him. If cats could smile this one was positively beaming. He stopped walking and leaned against the fence as the cat plowed into him in jubilation and proceeded to nuzzle and cuddle him. That was a moment of pure happiness if I have ever seen one and then it hit me. MY WHOLE LIFE I have been waiting to be thin, and in my mind perfect, to then be happy. Maybe it comes from feelings of very little self worth, having a father who told you on a weekly basis he never wanted you and that the family would be better without you in it, can certainly do that to a child. I always thought if I was thinner, prettier, smarter, a better athlete, maybe my family would love me the way I needed them too. I promptly burst into tears, and I don't mean one glistening drop, I mean full on flood gates snot coming out my nose sobbing. I almost had to pull over. That is what this is all about. Once I decided to be happy first I was able to start losing weight. When I stopped waiting for my life to start I realized I could be happy in the present. I deserve to be happy. I wasted 14 years of my life feeling that I didn't deserve to be special or happy and I have the gift of being healthy and I squandered it.
I realized that man is not the person who deserved pity, it was me. He may have a disability but it clearly isn't slowing him down. He was walking home, smiling on a gorgeous day, to meet his adoring little cat. I already have a nice life and I have been spending it whining about my weight.
From this point I am done pitying myself. I am going to live my life in the here and now and revel in my successes and my wonderful relationship. I am strong, intelligent, successful, blessed and happy. I don't have to live up to some ridiculous standard of being perfect. I think my life is pretty close already. Make it happen.