I have become "one of those people" at the gym

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Last night I was rocking out on the elliptical again when I noticed the guy next to me kept checking the minutes on my machine etc. Just a few months ago I would have thought he was wondering how a fat person could keep up but with my new found self esteem in overload I knew it was because he was being competitive. If you don't know this about me, I am really competitive, like worse than most men I know. I love fitness classes because I will kill myself to not be behind everyone else, even if I am dying. So I pretended I didn't notice what he was doing and I started speeding up. I was also about 10 minutes ahead of him in time so I wanted to see how long he would keep it up. After about five minutes of racing he started to fade and at 30 minutes (his time) he got off. I felt victorious. I went from being morbidly obese to blowing guys off the elliptical in a very short time period. He came back to wipe down his machine and motions for me to take my earphones out AND THEN HE SAID.....
"Can I ask you how long you have been doing this because you are really amazing at that machine?" I don't think I have smiled that big in a very long time. I told him I have been going to this gym about a week and a half but I had been working out before this and had really just gotten into the elliptical 5 days a week when I started at this gym. He couldn't believe it and told me he had been working at it for months and it was still kicking his butt.
That was when I realized, I am one of those people other people watch at the gym. I never really thought I would be that person and it feels FREAKING AWESOME. Even when I was thin I never felt this good about myself. It is funny how self esteem has so many different sources and the number on a scale really has so little to do with it for me. I catch myself posing in the mirror and smiling to myself about how different I look. It surprises me how good I feel about the changes. In the past I used to focus so much on how far I have left to go and I do think about it now sometimes. I am close to losing 70 pounds and sometimes I think how can I still have another 100 to go but those thoughts are so few and far between. Today I am rocking elliptical girl and I love it.

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I beat my craving into submission

Sunday, October 03, 2010

Friday afternoon quite frankly sucked. My boss is one of those people that has huge mood swings and takes them out on everyone. Apparently, according to her, I am too sensitive because when she talks to me rude and sarcastic that offends me. She was on one of her tirades that afternoon and even though it wasn't directed at me, and very rarely is, it makes the office a really unhappy place for everyone. When I left she had me stressed out to point of wanting to binge eat. It upset me because I haven't felt like that in a long time. When I get like that I eat sugary foods, like ice cream or cake, and I hide.
SO, I went to the gym. I knew in my heart eating was not the solution or the person I want to be anymore. My new obsession is the elliptical trainer and I got on it and 50 minutes later the cravings were gone. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED. Not only were the cravings gone but my self esteem sky rocketed. It made me realize that I am living the healthy life that I set out to live and I am not doing it for just weight loss but because I actually like it. I literally think about the elliptical machine. Never before have I worked out for my health. It was working out for a number on a scale. Even when I retained close to 5 lbs of water weight over the week because I upped my workout I didn't completely freak out and give up. I pushed through. I am really proud of myself. So today when I left the gym I bought myself a bitchin pair of 4" black snackskin pattern peep-toe pumps. They are freakin hot. I tried to take a pic of them but it is hard to take pics of your own feet lol so I will ask the man tomorrow.

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Letting go of the fat girl

Friday, October 01, 2010

I don't really remember a time when I felt good about what my body looked like. Even in high school when I played 3 varsity sports and worked out 2+ hours a day 6 days a week I never felt small, delicate or thin. When I look back at those pictures it makes me sad that I never appreciated how beautiful I was or how I looked. I still remember the sting of boys I liked not wanting to date me because I was "fat". How is a woman who is 5'10" and a D cup in middle school supposed to look?? At 18 I went to therapy and she told me that my eating was a result of needing to be in control. I grew up in a house with a lot of abuse and VERY controlling parents and she said eating was the only thing they couldn't stop me from doing.
I have held on to this baggage for so long. Three days before my senior year of high school I got into a head on collision that resulted in 2 ruptured discs in the lumbar region of my spine and I was in a back brace for 6 months. This was the beginning with a 60 lb weight gain and my spiral into 14 years of hating my body. Last night when I was blogging I realized something. I am finally letting the fat girl go.
I don't need her anymore. She doesn't make me happy, she doesn't contribute to my life now in a positive way and I don't need the security blanket anymore. Who cares what I USED to be?? Life is here and now and everyday coming forward. A coworker unexpectedly lost his mother in law last night and it made me think "Why am I letting the past control my now?". So I say to you and to myself. LET GO OF THE FAT GIRL!
You are not her anymore. You are a woman who is taking control of her health, her nutrition and her life. Our lives are what we MAKE THEM. Sitting at the computer and whining about how we are miserable and can't lose weight may be mentally therapeutic but it is the action that you take that will change this for you. I have said it before "it is a choice". Everyday when you get up it is a choice to eat a healthy breakfast, to dodge the box of donuts, to skip the 300th office birthday cake of the year but in the end the rewards are worth it. Yes, it is hard but I can tell you getting my life back as the rewards pays triple dividends. So here I go, from today I am no longer Ashley, I used to be so fat. I am just Ashley, health nut, work out freak, cardio bunny (thanks Paula) and new clothes whore. Make it Happen.

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You look so young

Thursday, September 30, 2010

That is what the no more than 20 year old cashier said to me when she checked my ID while I was buying beer for my fiancé. I smiled and said "thanks, you just made my day". She kept staring at me and said "I am sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but I am shocked you were born in 77". Since I am working on taking compliments I told her I was thrilled and I took it as a compliment and thanks. She proceeded to chatter about my manicure and some other girl small talk and it hit me. I have been accepted back into the girls club. If you have never been really big, you probably don't know this, but when you get to a certain size people look through you. Other women do not treat you like one of them. They don't talk about girly things with you like your bag or your manicure. I have honestly never felt very feminine. Even though I love clothes, bags, and shoes I always feel like I am in a costume when I try to wear certain things. I look at girls with flawless makeup and hair and I don't really understand how they can look so perfect.
Anyway, today she treated me like a real girly girl and since kids that age are extremely egocentric it made me feel good. All this work I have been doing to take care of myself is clearly working. I made a vow to myself that I will not wear any clothes that don't make me feel hot, even workout clothes which can also be cute. I have been making sure to give myself time to do my hair and makeup and I really feel like it is helping my self esteem enormously.
My skin looks the best it has in ten years and I really believe it is due to my improved nutrition and all the water I am drinking. Even when I am tired I don't look anything like I used too. I am starting to forget the fat girl which I never thought would happen. I don't need her anymore. There is nothing left to shelter or to hang onto. This life is here for good and I am SO happy about it. Maybe we have all discovered the fountain of youth!

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Lets Talk About Sex

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Here is my disclaimer. If for religious or personal reasons you find talking about sex offensive. Don't say I didn't warn you

So after 3 months on SP and losing 65 lbs I think the thing that has shocked me the most is how much the weight loss changes your sex life. Now I have never been shy about sex and even at my biggest I didn't hide from my fiancé etc. This isn't going to go into graphic details or anything, don't worry, some things are sacred and my fiancé is pretty conservative in his feelings about how much you should share with other people. At my biggest I did have insecurities about my size and I used to shower 3 times a day because I was so paranoid I would smell bad but it didn't stop me from enjoying sex. There were times like I felt my own stomach was making it difficult to breathe and limited me in my abilities and I had pretty much resigned myself to the idea that this was how it generally was going to be for me.
I can say, just 65 lbs later, this should be a huge motivator for everyone. Not only has my self-confidence skyrocketed but our sex life, which wasn't bad to begin with, has improved so much just from my ability to move around more. I hope this isn't freaking people out but I really can't believe how much things have changed. For a long time I felt like being tired all the time and being unathletic was my fault and that we had to limit our intimacy because of my own inability to deal with my own issues. He could barely hug me because my fat kept me so far away from him. I can remember times when he would try to snuggle me and I would feel like I was suffocating and I would have to move away. These aren't issues for us anymore. I am still big and have a long way to go but I am not losing out on basic human pleasures anymore as a result. I can walk around the park, go dancing, have sex, go shopping and enjoy all the things I have wanted too for so long. I used to choose food over living my life and I can say now, and for the rest of my life, I am going to choose me. Sorry food issues, you are done.

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