Friday, October 01, 2010
I don't really remember a time when I felt good about what my body looked like. Even in high school when I played 3 varsity sports and worked out 2+ hours a day 6 days a week I never felt small, delicate or thin. When I look back at those pictures it makes me sad that I never appreciated how beautiful I was or how I looked. I still remember the sting of boys I liked not wanting to date me because I was "fat". How is a woman who is 5'10" and a D cup in middle school supposed to look?? At 18 I went to therapy and she told me that my eating was a result of needing to be in control. I grew up in a house with a lot of abuse and VERY controlling parents and she said eating was the only thing they couldn't stop me from doing.
I have held on to this baggage for so long. Three days before my senior year of high school I got into a head on collision that resulted in 2 ruptured discs in the lumbar region of my spine and I was in a back brace for 6 months. This was the beginning with a 60 lb weight gain and my spiral into 14 years of hating my body. Last night when I was blogging I realized something. I am finally letting the fat girl go.
I don't need her anymore. She doesn't make me happy, she doesn't contribute to my life now in a positive way and I don't need the security blanket anymore. Who cares what I USED to be?? Life is here and now and everyday coming forward. A coworker unexpectedly lost his mother in law last night and it made me think "Why am I letting the past control my now?". So I say to you and to myself. LET GO OF THE FAT GIRL!
You are not her anymore. You are a woman who is taking control of her health, her nutrition and her life. Our lives are what we MAKE THEM. Sitting at the computer and whining about how we are miserable and can't lose weight may be mentally therapeutic but it is the action that you take that will change this for you. I have said it before "it is a choice". Everyday when you get up it is a choice to eat a healthy breakfast, to dodge the box of donuts, to skip the 300th office birthday cake of the year but in the end the rewards are worth it. Yes, it is hard but I can tell you getting my life back as the rewards pays triple dividends. So here I go, from today I am no longer Ashley, I used to be so fat. I am just Ashley, health nut, work out freak, cardio bunny (thanks Paula) and new clothes whore. Make it Happen.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
That is what the no more than 20 year old cashier said to me when she checked my ID while I was buying beer for my fiancÚ. I smiled and said "thanks, you just made my day". She kept staring at me and said "I am sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but I am shocked you were born in 77". Since I am working on taking compliments I told her I was thrilled and I took it as a compliment and thanks. She proceeded to chatter about my manicure and some other girl small talk and it hit me. I have been accepted back into the girls club. If you have never been really big, you probably don't know this, but when you get to a certain size people look through you. Other women do not treat you like one of them. They don't talk about girly things with you like your bag or your manicure. I have honestly never felt very feminine. Even though I love clothes, bags, and shoes I always feel like I am in a costume when I try to wear certain things. I look at girls with flawless makeup and hair and I don't really understand how they can look so perfect.
Anyway, today she treated me like a real girly girl and since kids that age are extremely egocentric it made me feel good. All this work I have been doing to take care of myself is clearly working. I made a vow to myself that I will not wear any clothes that don't make me feel hot, even workout clothes which can also be cute. I have been making sure to give myself time to do my hair and makeup and I really feel like it is helping my self esteem enormously.
My skin looks the best it has in ten years and I really believe it is due to my improved nutrition and all the water I am drinking. Even when I am tired I don't look anything like I used too. I am starting to forget the fat girl which I never thought would happen. I don't need her anymore. There is nothing left to shelter or to hang onto. This life is here for good and I am SO happy about it. Maybe we have all discovered the fountain of youth!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Here is my disclaimer. If for religious or personal reasons you find talking about sex offensive. Don't say I didn't warn you
So after 3 months on SP and losing 65 lbs I think the thing that has shocked me the most is how much the weight loss changes your sex life. Now I have never been shy about sex and even at my biggest I didn't hide from my fiancÚ etc. This isn't going to go into graphic details or anything, don't worry, some things are sacred and my fiancÚ is pretty conservative in his feelings about how much you should share with other people. At my biggest I did have insecurities about my size and I used to shower 3 times a day because I was so paranoid I would smell bad but it didn't stop me from enjoying sex. There were times like I felt my own stomach was making it difficult to breathe and limited me in my abilities and I had pretty much resigned myself to the idea that this was how it generally was going to be for me.
I can say, just 65 lbs later, this should be a huge motivator for everyone. Not only has my self-confidence skyrocketed but our sex life, which wasn't bad to begin with, has improved so much just from my ability to move around more. I hope this isn't freaking people out but I really can't believe how much things have changed. For a long time I felt like being tired all the time and being unathletic was my fault and that we had to limit our intimacy because of my own inability to deal with my own issues. He could barely hug me because my fat kept me so far away from him. I can remember times when he would try to snuggle me and I would feel like I was suffocating and I would have to move away. These aren't issues for us anymore. I am still big and have a long way to go but I am not losing out on basic human pleasures anymore as a result. I can walk around the park, go dancing, have sex, go shopping and enjoy all the things I have wanted too for so long. I used to choose food over living my life and I can say now, and for the rest of my life, I am going to choose me. Sorry food issues, you are done.
Friday, September 24, 2010
First my problem was that I obsessed about food all the time. Now I still feel like I obsess about food and it is making me nuts. I would like one day when I eat food just as fuel and don't think about it all day and have to plan and worry and calculate and think about every single item. Sometimes I watch my fiancÚ who can be happy to just eat the same thing day in and day out and I am just not wired that way and it makes me sad. When I was a kid we ate almost all processed foods. My mom worked 3 jobs because my father never wanted to work so my brother and I ate a lot of boxed foods, frozen meals, etc. My mother is also one of the most picky eaters I have ever met, I mean ridiculously bad, so we experienced very little in the way of new things. I always longed for new experiences and when I worked in a restaurant it was like a whole new world to me. I wanted to try everything and I loved all of it. My cravings for different types of foods can get expensive. I spend all day working with a chef who used to be the chef at the Four Seasons, it is kind of like a drug addict working for a coke dealer. Sometimes my cravings can be so strong I can not even focus on anything else. They are not always for bad food, today for example it was sushi and I can never eat a lot of it because I get so full so I only at 350 calories worth which is fine. However, that one roll was 10 dollars. That is ridiculous when I could have just cooked at home for a few dollars. I wish I could work past the point of obsessing good or bad. It seems to come in cycles. I will think that I am starting to work past it and then a day like today will happen. I saw a girl talking about how she had never tried hummus and was afraid to try it because it was expensive, $3. It made me laugh because hummus is not even remotely exotic to me and because she would probably choke and die if she knew what I spend on food sometimes. When I saw a therapist to try and get to the root of my emotional eating she told me that food cravings are actually really normal and most people experience them. I wish I could sit and eat a meal and just be normal for one day. I am determined to get to that point. It is hard because people who aren't food people really don't understand me. I am sure there are people on here who don't think I am totally crazy and it is nice to be able to talk about it.
Do you obsess about food? Is it something that you have been able to work through or is it something you still struggle with?
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