Wednesday, September 01, 2010
I have blogged before of my fear of being photographed. I used to literally dive out of photos or I would do something to purposely ruin it so I had time to get out like put my hand in front of my face. I have seriously about 10 photos of me in the last 10 years. It makes me sad. I missed an entire decade of my life because I chose not to take responsibility for my weight. Even now as I am doing this I don't really understand why it took me so long to do this. To start down this path. SP seems to be the major addition to my life and it is this community that has something so special about it. Ok, done being sappy, onto the point.
The first attempt at progress pics left me in a hysterical hyperventilating state of neurosis. I literally could not stop crying. Even after 40+ lbs I really couldn't see the difference. My mind was so messed up I still saw the old person. It wasn't until I had the courage to post those pics and so many people told me what I couldn't see, that something in my head clicked. I really did not look that bad, you really could see the progress.
This past weekend I hit 60 lbs down so I wanted some new pictures. I also got a cute haircut so I figured it was a good time. Who really ever has their hair professionally blown out for pics? I was sitting there snapping away myspace face pics of myself on my phone and I realized, hey, I don't hate how I look in pictures. Sure, I see flaws but for the first time in my life I can say "hey that won't be there in a few more months". HOW AWESOME IS THAT?
I can remember seeing myself in the mirror and thinking I would keep gaining and so this was the best I was going to get. My fiancÚ even snapped a candid of me on his phone and normally I would have gotten really mad. When he showed it to me I saw the good things in it. Yes, my arm looked way bigger than I would like but that is because it is big lol. It will take time to shrink down but it will happen. I realized that why I hated photos so much was they showed me the truth. Cameras don't lie to us. It hurts to be shown the truth sometimes but remember, you can change your life and it is important to record this part of your history so you can celebrate how far you have come!
Friday, August 27, 2010
I wish I had some sage wisdom to offer on this day but I don't. What this really comes down to is eat clean, move more, and make emotional changes in my life. Every path is different. Sometimes it is easy and sometimes it is hard. Yes, there are days I still want to go to DD and have a huge coffee cake muffin or I want to sit with a pint of Ben & Jerry's (aka my crack dealers) and watch a movie. The reality is this life is a choice and I am excited to see how much better my life is with each and every passing minute.
I have not been this happy in my whole adult life. No, it is not just due to weight loss. For the most part I love my job, I have an amazing fiancÚ, I am blessed to not be struggling financially and we have a pretty great life. I am grateful everyday for these things. I do not however believe in sitting around and waiting for a higher power to fix my life or that magically all my problems will go away. Two months ago I sat in front of this computer, just like many of you had, and thought "here goes another shot, will this even work?". Yes, it was daunting but it is my own motivation that kept me going.
When people write me and tell me I inspire them and how I am their motivation it shocks me. I am not doing anything you can't do! I am honored you find me motivating and inspiring and it keeps me going when you tell me BUT I believe truly in my heart you can be where I am in a very short time as well. Keep pushing forward even when you feel you can't. Baby steps. It really is one day at a time, one choice at a time. It does scare me to put myself out there so much to people but part of my journey is dealing with my trust issues and cutting my issues down to their core. I am not just losing fat I am losing YEARS of emotional baggage. Without doing this I do not believe I would be successful. Ask yourself the tough questions, the things you don't want to deal with. Are you happy in your job, your marriage, your financial situation? Now don't eat that stress, channel it, use it to make the changes you need to take back the life you want. You can do and I am here to cheer you on all the way the way you all do for me. I love each and everyone of you. Thank you for the love you give me everyday.
Keep the spark alive!
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