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I can't even picture myself thin

Monday, June 28, 2010

I realized last night, as I laid in bed unable to sleep, I do not remember a time I was satisfied with my body. I remember in 6th grade putting on a 15/16 pant and the look of utter disapproval on my mothers face. Actually I can not remember a moment she did not criticize my body. I think she projected her own self hatred on me. Being 5' 10" in the 7th grade certainly did not help me avoid the teasing of other kids. All of them directed at my weight, which now that I think about it, was completely normal for how tall I am. I can not honestly even imagine myself at a weight that would be considered thin and it scares me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EPIPHANY77718 1/16/2011 11:38PM

    Months late but I have a lot to say about this blog. I can completely understand where you are coming from. I was 199 and a size 16 (I think) in 7th Grade. 5'9" tall and everyone picked on me because of my weight and height. My mother was my worst critic as well. She had an idea of how a person SHOULD look and I wasn't it. So, before prom, in order to make her happy, I went on the Cabbage Soup Diet and I lost 24 lbs. I was then in a size 12 but I looked completely skinny and I did not like it at all. Looking back, I wasn't exactly fat at that time. I was THICK but not fat. I wish I had not listened to everyone about my weight and just left everything as it was because that diet did more harm than good. Oh well, can not change the past. Can only live for the present and make the most of it. At your height, you will not ever be skinny and that is okay. Everyone is not meant to be skinny. I am in the same boat. I am 6' tall so my body is not going to ever get rail thin because of that fact. I am trying to get to the point where I do not focus on the numbers anymore. I want to focus on how I feel and how my clothes fit and if that leaves me in a size 16 or 18 or whatever, that will be fine because I will be happy with where I am. You are looking great and I can only imagine how I will feel when I get to your size... emoticon

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NOT_BIG_BONED 6/29/2010 1:06PM

    Well luckily we don't have to picture ourselves thin to get there. Even as my weight as come off, I still think of myself as bigger than I am. I think it takes awhile to adjust mentally as we get there physically. Good luck to you. I know I was a size 14 in the 6th grade and got teased too, and I am 5'6. Its weird being smaller now than I was in elementary school. Taking control really helps the self esteem though. You are going to do this! I can tell!

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HEALTHYASHLEY 6/29/2010 12:35PM

    I am not a small woman either. My mother lost over a hundred pounds 5 years ago and has kept it off through total lifestyle change and she is still a 12. I feel like I will never small enough.

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EMPOWERED2DAY 6/29/2010 10:04AM

    First let me say Woohooo!!! I am right there with you. I know that I am never going to be rail thin. I do not have the body structure for it. I am built like a linebacker lol. I often wonder though if I will always view myself as Fat, even when I reach my goal weight.

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HEALTHYASHLEY 6/28/2010 4:51PM

    Thanks! I watched a show about gastric bypass surgery and how the people that have had it can have a hard time adjusting psychologically to the changes and often need therapy to help them along the way. I am lucky to have the benefit of time to adjust.

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PERFECTVELVET 6/28/2010 4:39PM

    I know what you mean. I keep thinking that I'll see myself as a healthy weight, think I look unnaturally thin, and have to gain weight again!

Thankfully, we lose weight gradually. There will never be a day where we go to bed obese and wake up with a normal BMI. I think that will help. We can see these changes in ourselves happen over a long period of time. The shock will be looking at our starting picture and thinking, "Oh my gosh!"

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Day 4-Water is so necessary!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I feel good about my eating today. I did not obsess and I am feeling more in tune with when I am full. I am not standing at the frig stuffing my face while I make dinner and I am making more concious decisions about what I buy and keep in the house. I realize a big part of my eating problems are fast food that I am stuck eating because I do not plan ahead and keep healthy stuff in the house. My mother lost over a hundred pounds 5 years ago and totally changed her life. We were chatting about weight the other day and she said to me "are you drinking your water". I just kind of shrugged and she said "How do you think the fat gets out of your body?" It was like being hit with a ton of bricks. Duh, why had I completely been oblivious? I also did a lot of research into sodium intake and have been keeping track of sodium with my nutrition tracker. Wow, no wonder I was borderline hypertension. I was shocked by how much sodium I was consuming. Looking forward to this week and more weight loss!


Day 3

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Wow, what a very long day. I am really enjoying this website a lot. The nutrition tracker was exactly what I needed. I didn't realize how many carbs I have been eating or that I tend to eat way too little one day and then overeat on other days. No wonder my metabolism is a mess! I also realized I do not plan ahead to have healthy food in the house so I make poor choices based on immediate hunger needs. I am so excited to be on this journey.


Day 2

Friday, June 25, 2010

I do not feel great about how I started my morning. This would normally send me into a spiral of self loathing, binge eating and general depression. I am trying hard to recognize my triggers and avoid them as much as possible. My work is a big part of my struggle. Working in the food industry is difficult. Even in my office I am constantly surrounded by food and all I do all day is discuss menu's with clients and read magazines about food for new ideas. My raging insecurity leads to be combative with coworkers and an almost constant nagging feeling of being inferior.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MADTOWNBUDDHA 6/25/2010 4:42PM

    Just keep breathing, it's going to be awkward and uncomfortable. Don't judge yourself. Do your very best to connect the dots throughout your day and try to re-frame your thinking to enjoy this new me, you will make progress and you can do it!

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Day 1

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Today is the first step in the repetition of first steps. Another attempt to slay the dragon that is my eating disorder. I do believe what I have is genetic, that I was screwed from the start. All the women in my father's side of the family are super morbidly obese. My mother was obese for all of my childhood. She only found the strength to fight it a few years ago. Unfortunately I have lost her to her new obsession to be thin and look at herself as she preens in the mirror. Her almost obsessive narcissistic way she insists any man 16-96 is hitting on her even if he just asked for the time. As I sit her again, choking back yet another round of tears of self hate I feel so overwhelmed by the enormity of the task that lies ahead of me. Scared that I will not be able to well up the strength to do this. That I will fail again. The 40 lbs I lost last year came of so easily and I have not regained them. Why is it so scary now?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ENDUROVET 11/8/2011 11:40AM

    Thanks for adding me as your friend... There is strong genetic component for obesity on the paternal side of my family also...
Blogging helps a lot!

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