Thursday, June 24, 2010
Today is the first step in the repetition of first steps. Another attempt to slay the dragon that is my eating disorder. I do believe what I have is genetic, that I was screwed from the start. All the women in my father's side of the family are super morbidly obese. My mother was obese for all of my childhood. She only found the strength to fight it a few years ago. Unfortunately I have lost her to her new obsession to be thin and look at herself as she preens in the mirror. Her almost obsessive narcissistic way she insists any man 16-96 is hitting on her even if he just asked for the time. As I sit her again, choking back yet another round of tears of self hate I feel so overwhelmed by the enormity of the task that lies ahead of me. Scared that I will not be able to well up the strength to do this. That I will fail again. The 40 lbs I lost last year came of so easily and I have not regained them. Why is it so scary now?