Sunday, March 17, 2013
So - this week is Spring Break for my oldest 3, but not for my youngest two. Hubby and I were planning on doing some fun things this week to spend some extra time with the older kids while the younger one's were attending their classes.
Then my ex husband asked if we would take in his wife's 3 oldest kids on top of my own 5 for a week so that they could go drive cross country to see his wifes Grandmother before she passed on.
Being the good person I am, I said yes - he dropped them off for us on Friday night. I really didn't know much about his wifes oldest 3 kids. I knew there were a pair of 6 year old girl twins and a boy who is about 10. I guess I just assumed they would be similar to how my own kids of approximately those ages are... I was wrong SO SO SO wrong.
These kids of his wifes are addicted to all things electronic. If it doesn't play a video game on it, then it isn't worth the time of day. I'm pretty sure one of the twin girls is suffering from some sort of depression type issue.... She is hostile, always unhappy, and I figured it was because she missed her Mom but my oldest daughter (who's 13) says she's like this ALL the time, even at home with her Mom.
These first days have been ROUGH - I've been trying to wean these kids off laptops, DS's, and other contraptions that I don't have a clue what they are or how they work.. but I know they BEEP and WHIZZ and WHIRL all the bloody time.
Today was worse yet because the twin girls are now SICK - something neither my ex nor their Mother chose to share with me when dropping them and their brother off on Friday. (My oldest shared with me again that the twins had been sick on and off all this past week before being brought to my family) So now there's throwing up, and fevers, and even worse attitudes and moods. I have bent over backwards to make sure they have meds, caring, healthy food (Yes that's another thing, if it isn't processed within an inch of it's life, they won't eat it) and it's ungrateful city.
All they do is complain - I put together a little St Patty's Day party for them all despite the sickness, to try and brighten everyone up, I painted all the girls nails green, bought them little hair clips with gems on them, made a bloody st pattys day CAKE from scratch... Do they care... NO!
I just want to go into my bathroom, shut the door and not come out until next Sunday when it's all over.
I keep trying my absolute best - I haven't lost my temper with them yet, but I won't lie, it's testing my parenting skills to the breaking point.
ANY suggestions - for things I can do with them, (did park, coloring, playing with the plethora of barbies, arts and crafts, cooking and even going for nature walks) I just want them off these electronics and enjoying what it's like to be a KID!
Monday, March 11, 2013
After my tiny tumble off the wagon train of weight loss - I am back on it and am thankful my bender wasn't too terrible.
Today starts day 2 of my Spring Clean the house Challenge here at home, and day 2 of the Team HCG Challenge on my HCG team.
Hubby wants to have me try to jog today again - so going to the four way and back here in the neighborhood, it's about a mile - but has lots of hills, so slow going on the way out and hopefully not so bad on the way back. We'll see what happens.
Need to get my head in a healthy place over this week as Friday not only will I have my 5 kids here but am "taking in" an additional 3 kids for 8 to 9 days (my ex's 3rd wives 3 oldest kids - a 10 year old boy and twin 6 or 7 year old girls) - I like to think I'm the best ex in the world for being so damn nice.
Maybe I'll go treat myself to a hair appointment to get myself ready LOL
Have a wonderful Monday all.
Friday, March 08, 2013
It's going to take a monumental amount of motivation to get me back on track in the morning. Please if anyone has some words of advice I could really use them right now. I know how I'll feel about myself if I mess this up, I'm 40lbs down, but I'm so tired too...I just need to find the will, and I'm struggling ... so badly.
Please let me get up in the morning and have found the encouragement to put my best foot forward.
Sunday, March 03, 2013
Recently I had the opportunity (I choose the word opportunity specifically instead of using the instinctual word DUTY that first came to my mind) to participate in some family together time (first thought on word choice...drama). I took away quite a few things from the encounter - and I'm struggling a bit with my feelings about how I am perceived by my family and my role in my family as a whole. I'm referring to my family outside my husband and children, extending to my Mother, Brother, his spouse, their kids etc.
I am the "Peacemaker" - with a capital P. Generally this role can be fulfilled by phone contact as I am not in the same state as my Mother, my Brother and his family. The situations are generally mild and "easy" to fix. Some frank honest advice and the situation diffuses. However...recently that was not the case.
Add to this now that there are certain ways in which my family views me. My Mother has always seen me as a "mini her" - my goals in life, my family life, everything really needed to have some tie to her paths through life for her to feel secure in my life, my choices etc. The side bit to this is, she really isn't actively controlling and to a point I've just "made do" with decisions I've made to make her happy. By made do, there were no overtly positive or negative feelings that I had towards jobs that I had because she'd be happy I was in that particular job etc.
She's not blind to the fact that I am my own person and make my own decisions, for instance my tattoos - or the fact that I dye my hair - nothing unnaturally colored but still, it's brunette currently rather than my natural blondish red. She makes the offhand comment now and again - but seems unwilling to accept these "quirks" of mine.
Now my brother is 41 to my 33. It doesn't matter that I am successful, have a happy marriage going on over a decade, healthy happy kids, really everything that he doesn't have going on...he STILL see's me as a kid. Any discussion we've ever had when it comes to "Peacemaker Cara" he talks to me like I'm 5, and couldn't possibly understand the complex nature of the problems at hand. However... he follows my advice - because in his words "He doesn't want to hurt my idealism" - and when things work out, he lays it on the back that the positive outcome was a FLUKE.
The background set here - this most recent fight in the family between my Mother and Him and his family has gone on literally 6+ months. He lost his job 3 years ago, having never invested in a future beyond the now with his pay checks - he was clearly in trouble and had no place for his family to live. He called my Mom - and asked if his wife (Who has severe issues with people) and their 3 kids (all of whom also have severe issues) could move in for a "SHORT" amount of time, until they were back on their feet.
My Mom has not always felt the need to care for her kids, and grandkids. Since losing my Dad however that's become opposite - it's now all about caring for all of us. This woman works stupid hours a week, in a job that she clawed her way into over years of being under appreciated, under paid, and had to plow through years upon years of schooling in her life etc. This job, represents at least to me - "the choice" - it was her choice to work towards this job rather than invest herself into raising my brother and I. Now that she's achieved "the job" and my brother and I are grown the focus shift is now on taking care of us.
Anyways, as you can bet, it get's old having what amounts to free loaders in your house for 3 years. No one is working, the kids have destroyed her beautiful home - I was there in October and it looked like a land mind had gone off in that house. I was sick to my stomach the whole drive out recently knowing what we'd find when we arrived.
It was the same damn thing.. again. Me playing the Peacemaker. Calm the people who felt that yelling was the way to be heard, offer cold hard facts in the face of denial. Offer plans, offer to help execute those plans. Things settled - my husband, kids and I were set to drive home. When we were getting ready to go my Mom stopped me and pulled me aside - she said she was so happy that I ended up being this wonderful woman and how I was this wonderful "face" in how I chose to represent my physical appearance. *I hid 3 of my tattoos the entire trip from her with long sleeves - because I didn't want to disappoint her*
We got home and what did I do... got another tattoo. I'm even considering putting cherry red streaks in my hair.. AT 33! But here's the "thing".... these things are the real ME. I'm free spirited, I love my tattoos, I would love dying my hair something UNNATURAL! However generally I hold myself back from being who I am - comparing the who I am, to the who she wants me to be, the ... who she thinks I am... because I'm scared if I went to her and said, I don't want to play Peacemaker anymore, I want the role of "daughter who is loved unconditionally with or without my tattoos, hair, whatever job I have....* I fear she'll get that look that I've seen before - the one I used to see my whole childhood, where she just turns off and sends her focus elsewhere.
What I really want to tell her when she tells me that she's SO proud of my weight loss (40lbs in 4 months) is that I FINALLY was able to make this huge step in my life because I was feeling like I was finally coming out as ME. Living here in a different state with a supportive husband and kids who love me as I am....I was free to develop that sense of MYSELF! If I was forced back into being that woman she thinks I am all the time, I'd gain all of this back - I couldn't maintain progress when I'm stifling the very essence of who I am.
I'm torn. Depression is seeping in, and I'm left going back and forth between should I tell her, or shouldn't I. Or do I just... keep being me "secretly" all the damn time - hiding myself only on those times that we're in the same state again.
I just really needed to vent, and I'm sorry this ended up like a book, but I feel slightly better for putting it all out there.
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