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Well as per usual I didn't "make it"

Monday, January 23, 2012

I am so totally dissapointed in myself, angry, frustrated, bloated, feeling ill - the entire gamut of negative emotions. The only saving grace is that I am totally taking all blame and acknowledging it and not having a bad evening. But have to get this out of me. So really this day had nothing to do with hubby doing bad, he even went out for a walk, slow, short but for him to venture outside when he is in anxiety mode is huge as he tends to stay near a bathroom. So we went around our circle once. better than nothing and took 20 mins to walk what would take me 10 even with a bum knee. oh well.
But I started out with not knowing ( I KNOW no excuse) what to have for breakfast as thought of eggs had none. So had my oatmeal that was okay, had healthy things in it. but oatmeal doesn't fill me ever. Later was okay had meat pie ( homemade xmas kind) for lunch, then hubby had shower etc said wow lost 4 more lbs. well that just ticked me off, cos yea I know he hasn't eaten much in 2 days but soup but even when I do that I don't lose. and he probably won't put it back on. He rarely has snacks, and often doesnt eat lunch. he is fine just not hungry. I am sure not enough cals, but he doesn't do much either.
So then I had hot choc, which I didn't even want just had. then didnt want to make a supper for just me, he was having soup yet again... so made 4 large pancakes and ate them all syrup and all. CARB sugar fest for sure.... just when I am reading about carbs, sugar and eliminating such things. OMG what gives with me, as if I am out to sabotage myself.
For the first time since Christmas week, I am so bloated that my jeans are tight, I am very much doubting anything I said I could do, but not thinking it isn't worth it, cos I don't want to have diabetes, cancer, etc. want my arth. to get better, and knowing that a lot of that is diet related I know I have the CHOICE to change it. But what the hell is going to make me stick to this, I have stuff pasted on my fridge, water bottle at the ready but still don't do it......
okay no idea what to think, or do. very angry with myself, which is good, sad cos thinking I probably can't do it yet again, or not do it but keep at it, and feeling the worst physically I have in at least 3 wks. Mentally I am not doing too bad, even though I am tired, and still worry about his anxiety, but I would say to a friend, walk, meditate, have a bath... just remember the food so isnt worth it, and that makes me sad, cos guess I am not a good enough friend to myself - if I can't be my own cheerleader, friend, support then why should anyone else... hubby eeven said so are those pancakes cos I lost wt? hmmm yea maybe and cos it was easy and I couldn't be bothered to make anything for me. I have salad stuff in the fridge. ARGH
SO SO angry.
cya later

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ERTSMOM 1/24/2012 1:57PM

    Take a deep breath and relax for a minute.

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MOSTMOM1 1/24/2012 9:01AM

    Hey, hey, hey--take a breath. You know this isn't about perfection and we can't compare ourselves to guy's weight loss. We tend to hug our fluffiness longer than they do. They can't help it and neither can we. Be kind to yourself on your journey. Think about the small victories and celebrate those. And here's a new rule--no more self-bashing. Make it strictly off-limits, serious no-no. See what happens. Take care of yourself, dear SparkBuddy. You're the only YOU we have!
emoticon emoticon

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NEW-CAZ 1/24/2012 3:23AM

    Sounds like you're anxious about DH's anxiety Cinders, he needs to see his doc hun.
And stop being so hard on yourself, just focus on eating well and getting some fresh air emoticon

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COSMIC_ENERGY 1/23/2012 9:56PM

    Hang in there--put the focus on you the next few days. Arragnge hub to call someone else if he can't breathe once and awhile--forget and leave your phone home or something. Has he talked to dr. lately about this flare up?

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ELIZRN 1/23/2012 7:05PM

  Wow...Anjay...I love the penny thing!! This is a great focus tool besides being a motivator. For most people who don't have a set discipline, moment to moment reminders are needed. This is great...

Cindy....you need some alone time...& some gifting to yourself. Worrying about your husband's anxiety is sure to make him more anxious. I've sent you some tools to work with for yourself. Also...why do you have those particular foods in your house? elizRN

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SUSIEPH1 1/23/2012 6:45PM

    Hey Cindy ..
Sorry you had a bad day my friend it happens!!
We have all been there !!
Forget it !! Tomorrow is another day!!.
Hugs Susie
emoticon emoticon

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MISSLISA1973 1/23/2012 5:17PM

    You are not alone in your feelings of self-sabotage. I think most of us here do it. The difference between those who make it and those who don't is that those who make keep trying. They get mad at themselves like this, do something like blog about it, then try again. I'm still where I was last May (at least on the scale), but we just can't give up on ourselves. There is too much at stake.
emoticonLisa

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ANJAYS-JOURNEY 1/23/2012 5:13PM

    Hi Cindy, you my dear friend need to take a step back, maybe you are trying to accomplish to much in one goal. this is what I did, and I did a full circle, and ended where I started, this time, I decided I would work on one thing at the time, and leave the rest, I would get to that later, I exercised only in 5 min segments, I would fill still do a pitcher with water, and leave it on the counter, I found a water bottle does not work for me, it is not visual, so I use a glass, and slowly drink my pitcher of water, most days I manage it, some I don't, it has taken me 6mths but now I am able to exercise in 15min segments, I concentrate on only 1 healthy meal a day, if I have 3 I have had a good day, remember we are dealing with chronic pain here and our bodies respond differently, don't beat your self up, something else I do is I have 2 boxes one I drop in a penny whenever I stay on track, a penny for a glass of water, 15 minute exercise, a helthy meal etc, when I do not exercise or stay on track the penny goes in the other box, the end of the week I tally them up and the box that contains the pennies for my goals achieved that goes into my savings box for my treat. The box that contains the pennies for not sticking to my goals gets recycled for the nexy week. I have been in the positive now for 7wks and have saved close to $20 for my elliptical, now in my little tartan can I have around $50 saved, I have a long way to go, but this is keeping me on track!!
Just a thought
Hugs
Anjay

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Monday going to be a tough day but I WILL make it

Monday, January 23, 2012

Okay not enough sleep last night, having to cancel the dogs apointment cos we haven't slept, hubby doesn't want to go anywhere, or be alone.... first thing I thought of was I want toast!!! omg toast like 3-5 slices of toast. I also thought this isn't going to be a good food day, I can just tell, I want... I want....
I got on here and saw a post about someone that is totally addicted to sugar and she was throwing stuff out - she was going to do it. I then read the most pop blogs and looked at Michellesmiles as she smiled for us looking so good, confident and most of all Healthy!!! I then thought okay, why is eating all this toast good? NOT why is thinking that today is allready going to be bad eating okay NOT
How are either of those going to help me make today a better day for my tomorrow. NOT
I have before me a steaming med size bowl of oatmeal, with 1/4 c froz bberries, 1T flax and hemp. and 1/4 c almond milk. I wasn't going to start with carbs but when I have to take my arthrotec which I am back down to every 2nd day, I feel bettter with more than a smoothie in my belly. So healthy, I wanted eggs but we haven't any today.
Hubby has asked me to go for a walk with him!!!!I am sure that in his heart he is starting to acknowledge that he must exercise some. being around his brother who only started running a year ago and is training for a half and full marathon, and his bil rides his bike spring to fall and that sister that is training for trainers papers, and seeing his sister gaining nearly 60 lbs at least since we last saw her, may have been an eye opener. Anyway he said when we were at sil for supper as bil spoke of a book called spark( my ears perked but isn't this spark) about exercise and what it does and how it changed people from dependant on drugs to off them, he whispered to me "I need to start walking and using the bike" I know me telling him doesn't help, leaving stuff to read around wont' work but I don't care what it takes I just wish he would walk and do a bit. I know that he doesnt want me to fall, so if I even have to try to get him to walk with me so I don't fall... but will say often when he starts something he keeps at it. So later on we are going for a walk, I wouldn't have cos of snow and ice, but not saying a word. off we will go.
So today, I have eaten a good breakfast, will have a plan of attack. Since it seems I am sort of stuck here, I am going to keep busy. I will go for walk with hubby and that may be all I can do today depending on my back after. walking in snow isn't easy for me. I will not stress eat, tired eat, boredom eat today. TODAY will be all I put my attention to, even if it means breaking it down to this a.m. this afternoon and this eve. Water in my bottle, green tea in my pottery mug and 2 library books, you guys and yoga will be my help today.
HUGS and thanks for all my spark buddies!!! keep me on the straight and narrow today!!! HELP lol

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANDSHEEWAS 1/23/2012 6:35PM

    That's the spirit!

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TEMPEST272002 1/23/2012 3:39PM

    I love your attitude in the face of the day's difficulties. We don't have to be perfect - we just need to try to make the healthiest choices we can in each moment. Seems like maybe hubby is getting worse lately. Perhaps time for him to check in with the doctor?

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NEW-CAZ 1/23/2012 3:13PM

    emoticon emoticon

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JOYINKY 1/23/2012 11:45AM

    emoticon

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Mixed day - mostly venting and ranting lol

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Well Mil stayed over last night, we got up at 8:30 and I knew from the get go we would not get her to Halifax on time. I knew it.... so we were 20 mins late leaving the house to go see Thomas and Eva. We get there, visit for awhile I say well we better go to dh. So we got ready to go. We go to dd, where we visit I said we better leave, oh we have a bit more time. Fine then. So then hubby says wants to stop home, ( I know it is cos he "think" he has to go to the bathroom before going to Halifax in case of traffic - 20 mins tops). Okay well he takes a long time in bathroom if nervous. I am not discounting anyone with IBS just that his is so often not and only his anxiety, which I am also not discounting. So I think I should just take her over... no I am coming. So we are to meet his brother at the steps of the university where his son is grad. at 12. We get there at 12:33. so we texted david and he came out got his mother and luggage and off we went. Not even a bye cya or anything. Anyway.................... no harm just that I know we will be late, hubby is almost always late never gives himself time. and that is a pet peeve I am not late early if anything.
So on the way home, oh my ears are popping, these hills, - no hills I see until we get onto the bridge cos we went down robie street not the hilly streets. anyway he comes home and is cold. that is strange for him. So we both just hang, ds is supposed to come to help move and put my sauna back together...... nope hubby hasn't got "breath" to do it. OMG you are breathing fine man!!! OMG infuriates me when he gets like this OMG. argh
So dd calls want to come down. hubby says you go I don't, so I go and help her with tie backs and stuff. then come home put supper in oven and say we need screws and will help her put her blind up. okay I go get the case, he picks out screws. have fun. yea cya. Get there and about 20 mins tops he calls COME HOME NOW. i get home 2 mins by car, and he is in bathroom fine. He got anxious cos he took a tylenol and got dizzy thought he may not be able to breath. arghhhhhhhhhh
anyway he is now putting the protective plastic on his tablet and is fine. I am so tired. I start thinking, is this partly cos he doesn't want to start the house renos? or is this still his virus that is going around. or what. but man I haven't the patience to deal with this, makes me frustrated, tired and somewhat worried about how often and how strongly his anxiety is bothering him.
So I have had supper and now am craving chocolate big time. I have dark choc covered bbeerries and acia berries but if I eat more, he will certainly say what ytou ate that much...............
Oh man all I can say is glad his mum isn't here with us, I would be nuts. she worries and moans.
We went to see Thomas and he got an xylephone for xmas. and was playing it and then stopped and was carrying the stick around and hit his mum. she said NO don't hit, he did it again she said THomas 3 tries and I will take it, go make music. he hit her and she took the stick. logical to me... he does have a baby sister that he just may hit too. well after we left mil says ohhhh ( sigh) she is strict with him isn't she.... I said what why. oh taking that stick, I felt saad for him. I said well nothing wrong with that, he has to learn to play music not hit with it. well ....... yea but so strict to take it. OMG I have little patience with my wishy washy mil but after this afternoon eve, lets just say reallly really glad she is gone home!!!!

Okay vent done, feel better? NOPE still getting bitchy! LOL
3 more hrs till bed. my back is sore, cos I had to bring the garbage can up stairs and then outside cos hubby has no breath, and had to take 2 huge bags of shredded paper out to the curb too. my knee has been sore since I put my boots on this afternoon. oh well I did have 1.5 days of NO pain... wanted to go to meditative yoga this eve, but know I won't be able to leave hubby and asking one of the kids to come is no good he only wants me. ahhhh ........

cya going to read some book by gary taubes that looks too scientific for this eve. lol
HUGS and I feel sorry for those that have anxiety this bad. I get very bad when worried about hubby if he isn't here or anyone in family that is driving and is late but that is all i suffer from in anxiety way.

cya later

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEW-CAZ 1/23/2012 3:41AM

    Cinders, talk about things sent to try you! Hope the venting helped....eventually. Today WILL BE BETTER!

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MORTICIAADDAMS 1/22/2012 8:06PM

    I really feel for you. It sounds like you and your hubby have a sort of role reversal thing going on. He is lucky that you are so patient and kind. I would have blown a gasket. I expect my son and hubby to take care of themselves unless they are acutely ill. I may not always be around to take care of them. I'm not big on dependency either way - don't want to be dependent on others or have them be dependent on me. I would have had the chocolate and gave him some too - it has nutrients in it that help you breath. LOL.

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ANJAYS-JOURNEY 1/22/2012 7:26PM

    Hugs Cindy, you have so much to deal with, I could not do it, maybe hubby should nap when you are out??
He needs a distraction
Take care my dear friend

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COSMIC_ENERGY 1/22/2012 7:23PM

    Wow--I'm sorry you had that day with hub and mil. I might be off kilter too after all that. Hope tomorrow is better.

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Snowy Sat.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Sure was a mess last evening, We didn't get any more snow overnight which is great. The roads are mostly clear. Dad called had ice and snow on his car and he wasn't able to get it off. So after we ate, I went over and did his car, hubby shovelled what the plow left etc in our driveway.
Going to sil for supper, as a nephew from PEI has graduated Saint marys University. His parents are coming from PEI to go to the ceremony and supper at sil. I am not that keen to go but no problem will go and have a good visit.
Caz sent me a page today, that most certainly gave me a kick. Stop the pity party, and realize how lucky I have been with my health and my breast cancer scare last march. I go again this march to have it re mamo'ed and will hope that it is still just something there.
Eating is fine again, am not walking outside today as there is ice under the snow. NO thanks no need to tempt fate for me. Will do stuff in here and then probably joyinky walk. I am only up 1 lb which was better than mid week showing 4 lbs up.
Today I am moving some stuff around and going to nag hubby yes I am LOL to come downstairs and at least tell me what boxes he can get rid of. geesh. boy men when they are sick and he is so much better.
Okay guys, making the best of today cos never know how many todays we have and there is no reason not to. I had a good breaksfast, will have a smoothie or salad for lunch, no idea supper is at sis laws. My movement is up to me, and I am not in pain so no reason not to joyinky walk at least. I have laundry in so that is 2 sets of stairs to take it up and down at least 3 loads.
HUGS and have a great Sat. make it one of your best!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANDOK1260 1/22/2012 4:31PM

    hope you have fine time at your sil. happy you were to get your walk in

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NYKIMMIE 1/22/2012 9:09AM

    Have a great weekend emoticon

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COSMIC_ENERGY 1/21/2012 4:04PM

    Yay for only being 1 lb up! Salt often plagues me like that too. Just made a huge pot of lentil soup and am roasting kale chips. Yummy

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MORTICIAADDAMS 1/21/2012 3:47PM

    We got a glazing of ice yesterday and it hasn't gotten above freezing to melt it. That was enough winter for me! Have a great weekend!

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ANJAYS-JOURNEY 1/21/2012 1:21PM

    Great you are feeling better, I maintained this week, no big deal, Iam faced in the right direction and slowly going uphill enjoying the view as I go.
Try thinking this way, it may help.
Hugs Anjay
ps will e-mail you later!!

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NEW-CAZ 1/21/2012 12:31PM

    Have a good weekend Cinders, glad it's a painfree day for you emoticon

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JOYINKY 1/21/2012 11:10AM

    Enjoy your weekend Cindy; glad there's no pain this morning! Hugs.

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Self doubt creeping in

Friday, January 20, 2012

OMG I can actually say I don't want that old way of thinking coming back!! !I really know that I have changed in the past few months and stinkin thinkin isn't always my norm! for what started as a woe is me, sad sack blog, I am doing pretty good! LOL
I can feel that silly blanket starting to cover me, I can honestly say I haven't felt "down" really down in awhile. yes a few nervous times in the past week, yes not eating as well, not able to move as much, well who am I kidding was able a few times and just didn't. I have to get my spark back, I really need to want to succeed this year. I need to be healthy I want my health back....
Think some is cos I do stuff, try hard and don't see any results like others. I really give it my all, eat way better, add tons more veggies, no processed stuff and still don't lose or feel that much better all the time. I do feel proud, virtuous but healthier no not really.
Then I read diff. info which sounds right, then other stuff that sounds right. They can be on diff sides of the track and still have great pros for it. I don't want some cockamainie ideas, or whatever, I don't want a "diet" that is like grapefruit, or soup etc. I want to eat healthy and what my body needs and wants. I want to know what is right for us. Paleo sounds right when you look at what we did eat, then vegetarian will say we don't have the teeth for paleo, and animal fat isn't good. OH man...... I am not saying anyone is right or wrong and I do understand that it is what you want to do for your body.
Think the other thing is I don't stick to movement. I hurt myself then use that as a stop!!! doesn't help that hubby really had to be told by 2 drs that I should move as he feels I am hurting myself. I also do try to do too much to start then just stop. But gaining this week when i was trying so hard has really gotten me angry. I am eating so well and taking so many new veggies and not eating way over , actually good portion sizes and within cals.
I also truly believe that sugar and whites are poison and not good for us. Maybe as a once in while treat if you can do that, some can't as it just starts the need train again.
Anyway just down, blah and whatever else. I want to find what I can do and keep at, and get healthy in the doing. I am still enjoying my smoothies and will keep that up. I am going to try hard to cut the sugar even more than was and eat the lower sugar fruits, cos still not able to do a full green smoothie, but today was a huge handful of spinach, 3 romaine lettuce leaves, 1" of cucumber and only 1/2 banana with almond milk. So getting there.
I haven't forgotten about my 5 k in June and hope that my knee will allow me to do it, infact I have said that no matter what I will do it, I am not allowing my knee to have that power over me. Hubby then says well that is just stupid which really it is if my knee is really acting up, but I am saying it isn't going to.
okay enough moaning, and whining.... buck up, start moving and read, learn, try and keep on eating my veggies..............
hugs all going to bed and read for while. figures a day when nothing hurt, I get down now that is just plain DUH! LOL
HUGS

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COSMIC_ENERGY 1/21/2012 10:30AM

    You are making good changes and your insides are changing for the better. Yes, the key is keep on doing it, experimenting with what works. You've heard me say it. I HAD to cut the grains and white potatoes for the first 6 weeks, then went back to adding 1 serving (less than a cup (no oil or butter, salt or sugar). I'm maintaining the 30 # loss with about 2 servings a day, lots of "green" or free vegs cooked or raw. 2-3 fruits, beans, or faux meat (trying to limit sisnce it's processed).

Go through your meals. Could it be oil or bread and starch? Keep your meat to small lean portions if possible, w/o gravies or sauces. emoticon

You're doing great! I'm proud of your smoothies and veggies! I do a fruit, 1 cup soy milk, and a handful of greens (but don't prefer the iron rich ones early in the morning and sve them for dinner.

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HAPPYWALKER 1/21/2012 10:28AM

    There are so many points of view regarding what we should and should not eat, it's mind boggling! Each side seems to make a valid point. Somtimes I think I read too much and all it does is confuse me. I read about Paleo...some of it makes sense, but not 100% of it. You take what resonates with you and leave the rest.

From everything I've read, the things I know for sure are: vegetables, especially greens, are loaded with nutrients and low in calories so the more the better. Fruit is also full of nutrients and fiber but there are some that are higher in sugar & calories so should be consumed in moderation. Whole grains are healthy and have fiber, but again moderation. Beans are a superfood, full of protein, fiber & nutrients; I try to eat at least 1/2 cup daily. Nuts & seeds are full of good things, but high in calorie so have daily, but a handful is maximum. Processed foods and fast foods are loaded with chemicals and/or saturated fats and should be avoided completely if possible, but realistically at least 90% of the time. The jury is still out on meats & dairy - I still believe moderation is key here too. The theme here seems to be portion control, except for with veggies. Carbs and fat are not the enemy, overconsumption is. It's unrealistic to think we can give up an entire food group entirely for a substantial period of time (that also includes sweet treats). Moderation, moderation. Easier to say than do, lol. I know that I've been able to be moderate at various times in my life and it was always when my thinking was positive and I was highly motivated. I feel you have to get your thoughts lined up with your goals before you are able to take any positive action. If not, you're paddling against the current and it's so hard that you eventually give up. It's like what your background says: Mind over Matter. Work on your thoughts first and foremost.

You know exactly what to do, Cindy. You know you are capable of it because you've proven that again and again. Once your thoughts are centered on health and you don't allow self doubt to sabotague, you will accomplish all that you set out to do.

emoticon

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NEW-CAZ 1/21/2012 2:59AM

    You're doing all the right things Cinders, keep it up!
Have a good weekend hun emoticon

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ANJAYS-JOURNEY 1/21/2012 12:28AM

    Cindy my dear friend, I hear ya, sometimes I feel God does not want me to be healthy, but slow and easy wins the race. I am like you, I can work my ass off and get no-where. But it does not get me down now, because I tried. Remember that when you feel like you are getting nowhere take a step back and see what you have accomplished in a very short time.
You rock girl!!
Hugs
Anjay

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JOYINKY 1/20/2012 11:20PM

    Goodnight Cindy, Sleep well.

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HUNGRYWOMAN2 1/20/2012 11:06PM

    Keep your focus on all of your success. You have done a great deal. I understand all too well what it is like not to be able to maintain your usual routine. It is frustrating to work as much as you can, but because of health challenges are not able to see the results. It is a positive thing to remain as active as possible, there are many modifications. However, you will get better, if you slow down and give yourself time to heal. Otherwise, it simply takes longer. I am experiencing some similar issues this year. However, as energy permits, I do what I can, and as frustrated as I may be I try to remember, that any step towards health, whether it is visible is actually improving our health. You are doing the right things.
Do what works for you, and try not to overdo.
Best wishes for a speedy recovery, and success as you work towards your chosen life goals.
emoticon emoticon

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