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April 20th Hardest thing I have ever done

Monday, April 20, 2009

We had the meeting with mums Ca dr and radiologist and they were fantastic. She sat with mum and talked to her, asking us confirmation as mum was wrong about a lot of stuff. Anway she said given her state ( not moving around much, more bed to chair and not up and about) it would probably cause more problems and not give more quality or time for her. so we chose not to...... also the dr did say that hospital is probably the best unless we as a family had decided diff. I am glad she said that cos think dad may have wanted her home, and know dd does. the hardest thing besides having it totally confirmed that she will be gone... is she keeps saying she wants to go home. She has always said be in hospital, and she does know dad cant do this alone or even with just me. so she knows when lucid but man how hard it is on me, must be h@ll for dad her saying lets go home, hey we could go for awhile........ anyway long hard day and I am tired. I did better than I thought, except when dad was leaving the hospital for eve, and i hugged him and cried and he held me and kissed my cheek he was crying too cos he left some fast. I cant remember the last time he held me or kissed me so know that it was hard for him....
well going to go and do something, too dark to go walk. i did walk this am. I hope to go back to the pool on wed. get a bit of routine back for awhile.
HUGS to everyone.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JIBBIE49 4/21/2009 2:41PM

    I'm glad you are getting to have her in the hospital, since so many now will not take a patient for general care, but would have her go to a hospice. Glad it is working out for you and your father since I know how stressed you both are.
One of my Sparker friends said her Uncle died from a heart attack the other day, and her Aunt is terminal with breast cancer. He'd been taking care of her, so it was a total shock to the family. SO, I'm glad your father is getting a break.

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CAROLYN4033 4/21/2009 9:20AM

    Cindy, I hear the pain your feeling and I am so sorry. I DO know that this is the hardest thing to do. I went through this 10 yrs ago with my mom. The sadness is overwhelming and time is the only thing that helps (somewhat). Hospice was wonderful for our family and for mom. The sooner you get them involved the better. I will pray for strength for you and your family, for I will be thinking of you often. May your heart find peace......Carolyn

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KEIRALYNN 4/21/2009 2:10AM

    I'm so sorry Cindy, it makes me cyr to think of what your family is going through. I hope you can feel my (((((hugs)))))). Call me if you want to talk. When John was going through cancer I talked to a counselor at the cancer clinic, it really helped. Someone outside of the immediate family to talk to helps you to deal with the stress of it all. You go back to family feeling a bit betterafter talking it out. (((((HUGS)))))

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COSMIC_ENERGY 4/20/2009 9:47PM

    Cindy-

It is a hard time, but hopefully, you & your dad will get some rest. Does the hospital have any counseling for families, groups of caregivers, hospice chaplains that your dad would go to get validation that he is not alone in this and others struggle with these decisions too? These transitions adjustments are big hills to climb. Big Hugs--Jude

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HADYDADUBR 4/20/2009 8:30PM

    It is good that you and your Dad can comfort each other during this difficult time.
Remember your friends are thinking of you too. Mary

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LOSINGLINNDY 4/20/2009 8:19PM

    This is such a difficult time for you and your dad. Knowing you are losing someone you love is devastating. It is good that you can cry with your dad and comfort each other. Always know that I am here for you.

Blessing, Gaylinn

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MOMMA_GRIZZ 4/20/2009 8:09PM

    Aw, that's so sad.....and it must be so hard. Please take care. And remember to breath and cry if you need to, just cry to cleanse your soul.
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April 17th Such a sad day, feel so bad for mum

Friday, April 17, 2009

Well mum got her hospital bed, understood when we took her where she was going etc.
Dad went back up around 7, but I wasnt talking to her. then dd and i went up at 8:30 to check and say goodnight. well she had been up at least 3 x. one time told the nurse yes she could help she was looking for aman, her husband. and oh there he is... sure enough he was walking in to see her. So now dad thinks they arent watching her. Anway they did get a sitter for the night to stay with her.
When we went in dd went in and i was talking to the nurse.dd comes out with tears. mummmmm she said oh lisa help me sit up I have to go home........ OMG tore at my heart and dd crying. OH man... i went in and said hi, whats going on adn you remember about the tumor and how dad needs rest etc. so when we left she was thinking about sleeping so pertty sure she will sleep and I know she will be fine cos I have done patient sitting and know all about it. I have actually worked on that unit so I am okay with this, just the guilt in one hand of her wanting to go home, but yet knowing it is the best thing.
I am overtired now, was beat earlier now am going to go to bed as niearly midnight. I hope and pray that dad sleeps. he is so tired the nurses are getting concerned about him.
I havent had time to do anyting but walk a short walk with dog the past 2 days. missed 2days at the pool, which is fine but i just want to keep taking care of me. Oh well...... Monday I may go to the pool. I can tell dad I will go to mum before or after or he in am. and me in afternoon.
wish i could find a money tree cos work has booked me off "incase" I need he weekend off and they cant fill it later. not really fair but......
Anyway we will be fine, just too bad this old world relies on the almighty buck so much.
I would love to go back to a abarter system.
night gotta get to bed.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HADYDADUBR 4/19/2009 12:38PM

    Glad your mom got a bed so you and your dad can rest. Take care of yourself. Mary :)

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JIBBIE49 4/18/2009 7:47PM

    emoticon

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KEIRALYNN 4/18/2009 4:18PM

    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I have lost many loved ones over the years and it is never easy but you do find an inner strength to get through it. ((((( HUGS))))) Try and take time to go the the pool, if possible, any stress relief you can find helps.

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VON_1962 4/18/2009 5:33AM

    I am glad to hear your mom got a bed and that your dad will get some rest. I know she is in good hands at the hospital. You and I both work this field and know how important it is for the family to get some rest so, take your own advice and rest and take care of you. Your mom is in good hands. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Hope to see you around a bit this weekend. I am on the dayshift this weekend. Get this they want me to go back to nightshift because they are so short. I laughed! Take care my friend! ((hugs)) A day at the pool sounds like a much needed release.

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HEALTHY4JEANNE 4/17/2009 10:45PM

    I hope that you are able to get some rest. Be kind to yourself.
I am sorry that you have to go through this.
Jeanne

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COSMIC_ENERGY 4/17/2009 10:41PM

    Take the rest--you will need to stop often and schedule breaks for yourself to stay rested and in control of your own life. I know you're keeping a level head about this all--Even so, it's hard to do what has to been done at times.

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CALOUSTE 4/17/2009 10:40PM

    I am so sorry for your situation, it must be incredibly hard. Get some rest and take good care.

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MOMMA_GRIZZ 4/17/2009 10:32PM

    Time for you to get some much needed rest too. Take the weekend off work and do just that. Rest and regain your strength. Many, many hugs to you.
MG

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April 15th still with us

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Mum continues to amaze me, This morning I really thought she wouldnt be with us by this eve. She was not responding much, eyes really not focusing, which is a result of the brain tumor which the dr told me today is very large. This afternoon she was much as she was the past few days, then this eve okay now it is after 10 and I wont call dad now. I told him to call if he needed me or wanted me to stay.
So I have gotten the next step done, we are waiting for the hospital bed. She needs to be there for saftey reasons cos if she falls and breaks a hip or cracks her head, she will be in pain which i dont want. Right now it is mostly controlled. My dd is so devestated adn i told dh that i am worried she will get severely depressed cos not doing well with this at all. She talks well with her dad so he will have to be able to help her. His depression is okay now and he is doing well being here for me.
So hopefully we get through tonight, and she will be with us and able to get to a hospital palliative care bed. there are not any available right now but they are thinking a day or so. Knowing that someone has to die to get mum a bed is a tad hard but then I work in that field so know that.
I am going to go to bed, cos I am tired and if I read maybe i will fall asleep early.
dealing with death is certainly not easy and I have been lucky that I havent had much experienc e with it. tears are coming easy today, which is good for me. I called and said I wouldnt be at work fri or this weekend. she called and said can I take you off next weekend too. geesh but said yes I can call if all is okay but ........ sure not much pay this month. Terrible to have to think of $ at time like this. oh well we willb e fine still some savings we can use instead of paying on the new windows.
I will be here for mum when she needs me no matter what.
HUGS to all

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ZESTYLADY 4/16/2009 9:28AM

    Thinking of you and praying for you all

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JIBBIE49 4/16/2009 12:34AM

    It is too bad your mother can't just stay at home and have peace and quiet and have a "Visiting nurse" to care for her. I remember when Jackie Onassis was terminal, she left the hospital and came home for several days before she passed. She was only 64.
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VON_1962 4/15/2009 10:08PM

    Hello! Sorry to hear about your mom falling again. I am glad that they are going to be able to get a bed for her in a couple of days at the hospital. I know that will give you a bit more reassurance. I worked 13 hours today so, I am just now getting online. I tried to catch you but, you had already gotten off. I will be on Thursday morning. I am glad your job has given you the time off. I traded shifts and am working eves on Thursday and off on Friday. I will look around here for you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Although, we do this line of work it is still tough when it comes to our own families. ((hugs)) I am thinking about you.

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COSMIC_ENERGY 4/15/2009 9:47PM

    deep sleep-sweet dreams emoticon

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I DID IT!!!!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Okay BL is over in my part of the country and I did what I set out to do and way way more. I did weights for the first half hr including weights and bands( the rubber band stretches). I also did a few sitting on the ball. Then for 30 mins I rode 8.7 km on the recumbant bike. I got off and stretched, did a few more weights then for the last half hr I stretched and did slow easy flexability stuff. I am so proud.
After reading both replies below I do realize I have to slow down but not sure how. I do really wonder if dh and good Sp friend white lotus has found a point. Maybe I am trying to keep busy cos dont want to stop and see mum failing. I have been very fortunate in my 52 years only 2 people have died that I have known personally. One friends dd died on her 3rd bday, and dh's father died 4 years ago but he wasnt close to him at all. So I dont have all that to fall back on and besides dont think it is the same when it is a parent and I am an only child too. I do know I do better in "nurse " mode and that is what dad is needing so that keeps me busy and not as personal.
So tomorrow, as of now, I will walk the dog, go take them their coffee, get mum up and ready. then instead of the pool I will wash my cupboards and kitchen floor, as they are bothering me. I know it isnt slowing down but i am sick of getting nothing done in my house. I will go to the gym with dh and ride the bike or elliptical. I also will vacumm, dust etc. I will plan some time in the afternoon to go in my sauna then shower etc. also will read my library book and perhaps fall asleep. I want to get the house cleaned as i have to work fri,sat and sun so if i get most of this done tomorrow I also will deal with whatever the homcecare coordinator has to say as it really isnt me that got him angry etc. it is dad and they have spoken. either way I cant let my fear of what he is going to say make me eat. he is a professional doing his job and i still have the palliative care RN backing me. she is awesome. SO I will have thurs to do what I want. Whew. hope I can do this.
But for now i am so pleased that I got that much exercise in. sure does invigorate me and make me want to get back to where i was in my mind. Have to re read my blogs of a few days ago....
Thanks for being on the path with me in all the twists and turns. I hope I can get through all this without gaining wt as it gets harder.
HUGS

  
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BUNN43 4/15/2009 3:06PM

    You're doing great! Good for you. Everyone's path is different, and only you can walk your own path - just make sure that you are truly taking care of YOU too!
My mom and dad both smoked heavily and died in early 60's . . . yet on both sides we have lots of relatives and direct ancestors who lived to 100!! So I'm hoping to be one of those healthy happy active ones! It was strange to have both parents gone - my kids never really got to know their grandparents, which is a shame.
By the way, the government statistics are quite shocking - in the 20-65 year old group (most of the workers), 34% WON'T make it to 65. In the US it's just over 34%, in Canada it's just under 33%, so quite consistent stats. About one-third die before 65. So, let's take care of ourselves and our health, and NOT be one of those stats.
All the best to you in your journey. - Celia
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JIBBIE49 4/15/2009 12:41AM

    emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/15/2009 6:56:16 PM

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ATRANSFORMATION 4/15/2009 12:18AM

    emoticon

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April 8th Day 17

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Wow what a great day!!!! I find wed. usually a good day cos watched biggest loser and weigh in day for one of my teams. I am only down .2 but think it is cos i havent been drinking my water. So back to that basic.
I am very proud today, what have you done to make you feel proud!? I love that part on BL. I actually exercised while watching it!!! WHOOO cos i used to eat, then sat and didnt eat now am doing the bike or ball stuff.
Today has been super too!! finally a good day all around. Sunny, not too cold. great walk with the dog, mum was okay, dad slept, I went to the pool, then met dh at the gym. There after a HARD workout at water arobics ( the instructor even said I worked you guys hard today!), i went upstairs and did 20 mins on elliptical and then a round on the weight machines and some free wts.
got home to work called, extra shift toay. so off i go to work. I went down to check mum again, and dd was just getting there so dad can go out. So all in all a good day today. Nice to have one once in awhile.
I was also going to blog about the spark quote that we got today.

Most barriers to your success are man made. And most often you are the man that made them.

I really like that. It sure rings true in our house. I admit it, dh maybe not so much LOl
But I am really doing things to change that quote and be successful.
Gotta scoot cos have to get ready for work.
OH forgot went to the grocery store and bought myself a treat!!! A fresh garden salad allready made, came home added a bit of chicken and was so tasty.
YES!!!
CYA
HUGS

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANNAS5 4/9/2009 12:06PM

    so glad you had a wonderful day. all that working out wow! you are certainly doing what it takes. I watched the BL to while sitting on my exercise ball. It is cool to watch the changes those peope make. wonder why they never hit a plateau. they rarely go a week and not lose something. If I worked out as much as they do I wouldn't be able to walk I'd be so sore.
Hope you have another great day

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KEIRALYNN 4/9/2009 12:43AM

    Go Cindy, Go Cindy your doing fantastic

Comment edited on: 4/9/2009 12:43:28 AM

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JIBBIE49 4/8/2009 10:08PM

    Yes, we do make most of our own barriers, don't we. And the fear we have never comes to light.

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VON_1962 4/8/2009 4:41PM

    Super! I am so glad you had such a fantastic day! You so deserve it. Congratulations on your weightloss. Way to go with the exercise and Biggest Loser. I couldn't believe the teams attacking those food trays...totally shocked me. I hope you have a great night at work. Keep up the beat. Oh, I love the quote..it is so true. ((hugs))

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MOMMA_GRIZZ 4/8/2009 11:41AM

    It was so great to read your blog today. Very glad that you are having a great day! Yeah You!

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