Wednesday, September 04, 2013
Good morning sparkers. I actually slept well last night, even though we are at the trailer, and hbby has slept in nearly 10 and he is still in bed. Good we both needed it.
Now I have to convince myself to get started on that letter. Procrastination is not a friend in any way,shape or form as it is just feeding my fear, making me nervous, thinking I can't do it, thinking I won't get it, figuring I shouldn't get it............ OH MAN.
Well going to wake hubby up, get us some breakfast, and walk allie. Then we will go down and pay for the early deposit on our lot and the elec. bill for here. We have to go to get some buns for lunch for hubby and sil sausages. Or maybe he will use bread... she may have hers in salad as I will.
Deep breath............ I am worth it, I do deserve it, I am hurtiing, aching and unable enough to have it... I am not a fraud, Others see a diff me, they know I can't where as I still seem set out to prove I should not just I can.
ARGH I hate this............ HUGS sparkers and for those of you that have no idea on the last bit, there are some that do and I know they understand.
Off I go to get a better handle on the day. It started good just my mind letting it get away with me. HUGS
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Slept poor, woke at 7, walked Allie, went back to bed at 8 and was up at 9. but think I slept or at least laid for an hr with minimal pain. Was sunny and warmish when I got up, then at 9 was dull and jeans type day. Now sunny again. lol
So far my butt, back and foot/toes are all that hurt. Good. I was asked the other day, how I am doing what I can do and be thankful. They even said that you can't be that sore or sick... So there is the same thing that many drs think if you can't be too sick if you can as my dr said get dressed, do some stuff adn go to trailer. Well sorry but do you watch me get dressed, I have been so thankful for this summer in not having to put socks on and even shoes, mostly only sandals. I haven't had to get jackets on with my sore shoulder... and do you see that after I do that load of laundry or help get ready for the trailer and even sit to go to the trailer, I can barely get out of the car and move... Sometimes I wish we could videotape a day.
So I have worked hard to chose to be more positive, I know my genetic makeup if you can blame that lol ( well having 2 very super neg. parents) has served me in my past. It is very easy for me to get down on it all but have worked hard to not get as bad. Even with thinking we were getting no money I was doing okay, not great but not terrified. Then when I realized I could appeal that didnt' help me, cos it is confrontation. I DETEST any type of confontation but for this I will do my best. Thanks to many spark friends and support I am not as afraid, but still nervous... AAlso the letter said if there is any new medical reports we don't know then you have to let us know so you can appeal. That should help as there are 2 xrays and another diagnosis. hmm
Also reading how to be sick as I mentioned in last few blogs and last night got to a super intersting aspect so am going to use my art journal to remember this. Thanks again Kay!
So off for now, hoping that my body doesnt get any more sore, but thankful that I have been able to move much more this summer, whithout the sciaitca as bad and that I can still smile, laugh and be happy.
Have to share a picture... Dil asked when did my son, Thomas' dad wear this shirt... he would have been 5 or 6. Thomas is 3.5 and yes mama must have been painting her nails cos I can see the all boy has his nails done! LOL
How can I not smile!!! By the way he is standing ona stool or something he isn't that tall!
Friday, August 30, 2013
We aren't going to the trailer but still hope we have a good weekend. I have had the most pain I had in while. Not sure what has bothered my back and butt, wondering if it is the diff seats in the truck, not sure but that is about the only thing diff. Could be anything weather or whatever but man.... sciatic butt again R side this time LOL
Along with my foot getting very sharp nerve like pain in my toe and top of my toe and foot, my both knees are sore L in front , R in back. and now my R ankle is starting to hurt. FRIG but you know what.... I am able to walk, and talk and eat and drink ( not enough water today) and for all that I am thankful.
Also so very thankful for reconnecting with simplelife4real, who is going through a hard time right now with a medical diagnosis and man her outlook is so positive. She also in a few blog back mentioned some books. I ordered 2 from the library. and one came today.
How to be sick by Toni Berhnard yea strange title but not depressing and very interesting. Even the foreward has been interesting..."this is a book for people that will not be their old self again and for those that.... getting better isn't possible." then later mentions in other words that there is always a silver lining, so far not a book that ignores the pain or suffering but explains ways to get past it. one part that spoke to me today was "it's easy to look back and see what a mistake it was to continue working whlie sick - it probably worsened my condition...... but first there is the financial need to keep working, second the utter disbelief it is happening to you.....people don't see you collapse on the bed as soon as you get home."
I must go to kays page and thank her for putting that info out there. I am so glad and I hope others look for the books she has suggested.
Think I will go read this book for while, then later just a story to put me to sleep.
HUGS and hope you all have a great long weekend if it is on where you are!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Had a good day today, despite a lot of nerve pain in my foot and big toe. Really painful, so much that I wasn't able to walk llater in the day and screached each time my toe would touch floor. Man what is up with that. My other foot is a tad sore in the toes too. LOL am I storing stress in my toes LOL
Back is a bit sore and my knees are quite bad too but nothing like my toes.
ANYWAY Mother-Nature was over to visit and meet allie, Glad to say she jumped only a few times and settled nnot long after, she acutally didnt bother us at all. Maybe she is learning LOL Had a great chat and visit and am hoping she gets good news about her knees with the specialist - we have the same dr.
Also met up with old co worker on FB, and we are meeting up for tea on monday, I was her mentor when she started the course and worked with her for few months.
Hubby and I went for a drive to see this new start up of Cottage country in another area that is nearer to city, but they don't have anythign started, have sold stuff but not even enough of a road to drive in and see. But we found it out of the way even more than where our land is so probably will stick with what we have.
Well have to figure out my notes that I have been keepuing as I have to make that letter to long term that I give my dr who will help colaborate... hope it works as really don't want to have to go to a lawyer not my way at all. but will see.
Guess will go and read for while. HUGS all
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Well mixed emotions today. I hate confrontation of any kind. I back down, give in, hate hate to argue and only do so with hubby if it is something I really believe. Well guess I better believe in myself and my self worth.
Long term called today, saying they were sending me a letter, which will explain stuff. I asked a lot of questions,called her back and asked more. Seems if I don't agree with what they say, which is my funding stops sept, and I am able to do certain jobs, then I can appeal administratively ( myself ) or medically ( dr and me). I also have to get all my dr stuff since April as that is the last they have. I said well have fallen, have fibro, my thumbs are worse, xray said mid back is bad, so she said get the documentation and send it in. Has to be done by Nov 9. I have a dr apt for end of Oct. so hoping I can beg beg to get in eariler. But I am going to write a letter to him, asking him for all the stuff and such and an apt and a ltter saying why I think I can't do what they are asking. I am hoping that when he reads it he will tell her to get me an apointment. SOOOOOOOOO
Since that phone call I have had a heavy feeling in my belly and super anxious and stressed. Jumpy etc. Hubby says we can get a lawyer that only gets paid if you win. I am having more balance issues, tripping over my own feet, etc.
Anyway it is nearly midnight wanted to watch extreme wt loss as like chris powell, and fell asleep 10 mins before it was over. lol Now am awake and will have to read to get to sleep. I hope I sleep better, as waking with hot and cold and knee pain.
Oh well I can walk, talk, eat, drink take care of myself so am still thankful. I have to figure what to do. Hubby, and most friends say Diff than a few days ago when they said it is OVER sept. and we were trying to figure what to do financially. Anyway......... life goes on, it isn't life ending, and will work out somehow. It could be 100% worse. I still have all my family, my health as it is and love. I also have a lot of great spark friends that will keep me sane! HUGS and hope you all sleep well and for my other side of the world had a good sleep and a great day.
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