Monday, March 04, 2013
This morning I woke up and looked myself in the mirror and said, "I don't want to be fat anymore." And you know what, only I can make that happen. I can sit around and make excuses as to why I'm eating cookies or not exercising or let my depression run my life but wouldn't it be great to take control of something, find some success, and feel good about myself? Well, that's just what I intend to do. No, better yet, that is what I am doing. Today it is only lunch time and I've drank 6 glasses of water, made completely healthy food choices, AND exercised for 40 minutes. Only I can do this and I am doing it and I will continue doing it and I WON'T BE FAT ANYMORE!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Three year ago today, on January 23, 2010, I quit drinking soda. It was a momentous day for me. Soda was my vice. It was my sole beverage. It was what got me through my days. When I was stressed about something Iíd just have a glass of Pepsi and all my worries would just melt away. For me, soda was like a drug and I was addicted.
At the same time I quit drinking soda I was also embarking on my first major weight loss journey. I attribute my nearly 50 pound weight loss to my giving up my beloved soda but, at the time, I felt better. I had more energy and while I didnít love water I drank it in gallons. I felt good about myself and was so happy to shed my addiction. The day I quit drinking soda I set a one year goal for myself. If I stayed soda free for 1 year, my husband had to buy me a Coach purse. On January 23, 2011, I got my Coach purse. I stayed 100% soda free, much to the surprise of my family, for 1 year. While my weight started to fluctuate, I stayed firm in on my soda free lifestyle.
Then life changedÖ
In July, 2011 my family and I, which consisted of both my parents, my husband and I and our two daughters, along with 4 dogs and 2 cats, made a cross country move from Arizona to Tennessee. It was quite the adventure but we were all so excited by what lay ahead of us. Since this blog isnít about that move I wonít go into details other than to say in retrospect it was probably the biggest mistake of our lives.
On February 17, 2012, after just over 2 years of being soda free, I took my first sip of Pepsi. Understand, however, this was not a decision I entered into lightly. Just over a month earlier my dad had walked into the hospital with stomach pains which turned out to be pancreatitis. Four days later he was on life support. For weeks we watched him fight for his life in a battle he could not win. On February 14, 2012, Valentineís Day and the 43rd anniversary of when my parents had met, we were told there was nothing more the doctors could do and that his pancreas was all but gone. We may the decision to respect my dadís wishes and on Friday, February 17 we removed him from life support. The hospital he was at provided us with a palliative care package which consisted of cookies, crackers, and soda for us to have while we sat and waited for the inevitable. I was thirsty but didnít want to leave my dadís side so I made the decision to see if I could handle some soda. Really it was almost an experiment at the time for me to see if I could control that one thing I had years before had no control over. To see if I could have some little bit of control on the one, single worst day of my life that was completely out of my control. On that day I not only said goodbye to my Daddy but I drank a small, not so great tasting cup of Pepsi.
In the following weeks, I had a little soda here and there. I remember being in a restaurant that didnít serve bottled water and had horrible fountain water that I just got the Pepsi. My husband gave me a weird look but said nothing. It continued like that. Over that summer my mom and I took a mother daughter trip to Europe where, in most cases, it was easier and cheaper to get a coke than it was water. All in all, since that day last February, Iíve had soda a couple dozen times. Maybe once or twice a month. Itís not a daily thing. Itís not allowed in my house. Itís just something that, on occasion, I have. What I learned back in February was that my two years soda free did leave me with control over the addiction however it wasnít without its flaws. I did crave it on occasion and while I did not always give into that craving the feeling was still there which scared me because I know how badly dependent I was on it before. But life also threw me curve balls. I mentioned our familyís decision to move as being the worst decision of my life. That is no understatement. Not only have I lost my dad but Iíve lost my career and am not literally living day to day with no job and my husbandís job only being enough to buy groceries and put gas in the cars. (Before moving I was a teacher. I was a good teacher. I had my bachelorís and masterís degrees in education and I had a solid steady career. Since moving Iíve had 2 job interviews. Yesterday I applied at a fast food restaurant. Like everywhere else, I doubt Iíll hear back from them. ) I say all this because the depression I am carrying makes many of my food related decisions not so great. In the last year, I have gained 20 pounds. All total, Iíve gained back 30 of the 50 Iíd lost just three years ago. I attribute a lot of my weight gain to the way I have handled the circumstances of life. Fortunately, I do not place any blame on my soda consumption as I do believe I have control over it but I also know how easy it is to lose control, especially when one is fighting most days just to get out of bed.
Today I write this blog not only to commemorate the three year anniversary of when I gave up soda and to remember that I did it then and I can do it now, and to once again declare myself soda free. This time it isnít about struggling to give up my addiction to my beloved Pepsi but this time it is a step towards taking control over an element of my life that I can control. To take a stand and move in a step that is a positive one for me. I have to lose the weight Iíve gained. Iíve got to pull myself out of my depression. Iíve got to take control over some element of my life because it all seems to be spiraling out of my grasp. My first small step will be to let go of soda. I have to do this for me. I have to do this for my health and emotional well being. I have to do this for my family. I have to do something. Today I take my first small steps towards taking control back over my life.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
I started back on SparkPeople about 3 weeks ago. Things were really going good in the beginning but I had some distractions: sick kiddo and kids home from school due to the weather. All of this made it hard for me to really get started. I need consistency in order to commit and the distractions made it hard because no two days were alike and I was being pulled in a lot of different directions. Stupid excuses, I know. But I also need to add in the fact that I am trying to dig myself out of a pretty deep depression ditch. Today I started with 4 things to do: wash dishes, do laundry, tutor (my side job), and go to my daughter's band meeting. I set no eating or exercise goals because I felt like if I couldn't do the basic living things there was no way I could do much else. So far, I have washed dishes and done some laundry as well as watered my plants, drank water, and applied for a couple jobs. Small steps but they are something. These little goals are what I need. So my plan is to set a few small goals to achieve in the next two weeks, by the end of January, and see how I do. I need focus to be able to keep getting out of bed each day.
Goals for the next 2 weeks:
1. make smart food choices
2. exercise for 15 minutes a day - goal is 500 exercise minutes for January!
3. do 3 household chores a day
4. write down one positive thought everyday
Today's positive thought: I can do it, one day at a time.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Consistency. That's what I need. I had that. I was motivated, I was doing great and then WHAM! Life throws you a curve ball and I'm trying to get back on track and failing miserably! Actually my curve ball wasn't too terrible it was just my 12 year old coming down with flu but wow it's made it nearly impossible to exercise and my eating habits have totally gone out the window. So I think the only thing I can do is ride out the next couple days, do what I can, make the best choices I can but not sweat it. Routine and normalcy will return to my world soon enough and then I can get my groove back on. In the meantime, don't sweat the small stuff.
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