Wednesday, May 02, 2012
It's been almost a year since I was active on SparkPeople. I'd like say that it's been a successful year and all of that stuff, but it wasn't. It's been one of the hardest years of my life. I had changed my outward appearance, and thought I was set. It turns out that when life started taking cheap shots at me, I couldn't maintain everything I had accomplished.
As embarrassing as this story is for me (I'm very prideful) I've also become very thankful that the support was available to me. I learned in the last year that it's very hard to eat healthy and maintain a healthy weight when 90% of your food comes from local food pantries. You eat what was available, regardless of health factors. It's embarrassing needing to go to a food pantry. I work a full-time good job, and still needed to go stand in line with others no different then myself.
The first time I went to the food pantry just minutes from my house, I sat in my car watching for 30 minutes, trying to gather up the nerve to go in. Finally, I went in. WORSE. FEELING. EVER. And like the situation wasn't bad enough, there was this guy helping run the pantry with his parents. He was very helpful, helped me carry stuff to the car and then asked me out. Seriously. I swore I'd never go to that place again. But I had no choice, I did because my kids had to eat.
I found myself in this horrible, never ending cycle. Food pantries, weight gain, depression, hatred for myself. Every time I looked in the mirror, every time I had to wear a bigger size of pants, every breathing moment I hated what I had become. I hated finding out that I worked a full-time, good job and still qualified for government assistance. I couldn't bring myself to sign up though, not even for my kids. I live in a small area. Was I supposed to make an appointment with the mom of one of my daughter's friends? Or how about my landlords best friend? Or the woman that I sat across the table from at meetings every month for work, while she complained about people on assistance.
I started couponing, out of necessity and it helped. I no longer had to worry about how I was going to buy shampoo, laundry soap, toilet paper or anything else. I cancelled my cable, something my kids were in agreement with. I started living a tight budget. I decreased my bills. And finally in February, I've reached a point that I can breathe. With coupons, I can start eating healthier (man how I've missed salads!!!). I still live a no frill lifestyles, but I have managed to get myself out of a hole that I can manage. Sometimes it's hard to remember, like the week my dryer died, my cell phone died and a deer ran into the side of my car. But I got through it and I know I can survive.
I'm working on forgiving myself, on accepting my faults, and accepting that I'm an emotional eater. I make myself get out of bed most mornings at 4:45 am to work out. Today, for the first time I woke up without my alarm and I didn't have to force myself to work out. I enjoyed it, I enjoy having the cheerful, happy person back. And this time, I accept that I'm human and though I'm on track right now there's going to be plenty of times I'm not. And I will love myself regardless of my size, and in spite of my faults!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Over the past few months I've been struggling with my weight loss. Well, not struggling, but really being stuck at the same weight. I have been playing with three pounds that just when I'm celebrating the loss of them, they find they're way back to my scale within a week. It's been frustrating, but I've tried to work through it. I still bust my butt working out, I still eat healthy. I try to work out more, I try to eat healthier but it doesn't make a difference.
Those three pounds are important because I've never weighed less then I do now. Ten years ago when I saw a Nutrionalist, I was able to get down to 145 and couldn't lose anymore weight, no matter what we tried. She told me that it was obvious that my body was happy at that weight and I needed to accept it. When I joined SP, I set my goal weight for 140. Yes, this is really still considered overweight according to the BMI, but that number had importance to me because I've never reached it. My goal was for January 11 to reach this goal, just before my 36 birthday.
Here it is mid-March and I still have not reached that goal and am ready to give up on it. So, what, I fluctuate in the 140's. I wear a smaller size then I have ever worn, so why am I unhappy with it. I've always recognized that I'll never be skinny, I am not built that way. But, this morning when my alarm went off at 5 am so I could get my workout in, it hit me. I'm busting my ass working out, I'm eating healthy and this is the best my body has to offer? I don't want to be skinny, really I don't, I like having curves BUT is it too much to ask for less fat on my belly, my inner thighs and my triceps.
And as I've spent the entire day beating myself up because I rolled over and decided to sleep that extra 45 minutes because I just couldn't face another workout and struggling to continue eating healthy, I realized that I treat myself like crap. I would never put up with one of my friends thinking or talking about herself the way I do myself. So what, I'm never going to grace the cover of a magazine, BIG DEAL! I will never be skinny, but I am healthy. I no longer wear a size 18/20 but instead a size 6/8. I only outweigh my 13 year old daughter by 20 pounds & she's not fat! So what do I have to complain about? Why have I wasted a day feeling sorry for myself, hating myself, hating my body? How has this helped me to further my goals? Well, it hasn't, but I feel much better after getting all my frustrations and feelings out here!
I will no longer treat myself bad because I'm not perfect. I'm not and I have no interest in being perfect. I think that comes with a lot of unreachable expectations. I will learn to treat myself as I would treat any other person I have ever met, and in a lot of cases, people I haven't met. I will treat myself as I treat others!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I'm finishing up my 30 Day Shred and have been looking for my next workout plan. On March 3, I'll be starting the Extreme Slim Down. If anyone's interested in doing it with me, I'd welcome the company!!!
Here's the schedule:
Day 1 - 30 Day Shred Level 3 & 1 (in this order)
Day 2 - 30 Day Shred Level 2
Day 3 - No More Trouble Zones
Day 4 - 30 Day Shred Level 1 & 3 (in this order)
Day 5 - Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism
Day 6 - Day Off!
Day 7 - Yoga Meltdown Workout 1 (if you are good at Power Yoga then do Workout 2)
Day 8 - 30 Day Shred Level 2
Day 9 - 30 Day Shred Level 2 & 1 (in this order)
Day 10 - No More Trouble Zones
Day 11 - 30 Day Shred Level 3 & 2 (in this order)
Day 12 - Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism
Day 13 - Day Off!
Day 14 - Yoga Meltdown Workout 1 (if you are good at Power Yoga then do Workout 2)
Day 15 - 30 Day Shred Level 1, 2, 3 (in that order)
Day 16 - Banish Fat Boost Metabolism
Day 17 - No More Trouble Zones
Day 18 - 30 Day Shred Level 1
Day 19 - 30 Day Shred Level 1, 2 & 3
Day 20 - Day Off!
Day 21 - Yoga Meltdown Workout 1 (if you are good at Power Yoga then do Workout 2)
Day 22 - 30 Day Shred Level 2 & 1 (in this order)
Day 23 - No More Trouble Zones
Day 24 - Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism
Day 25 - 30 Day Shred Level 2 & Yoga Meltdown Workout 1
Day 26 - Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism
Day 27 - Day Off!
Day 28 - Yoga Meltdown Workout 1 (if you are good at Power Yoga then do Workout 2)
Day 29 - 30 Day Shred Level 2 & 1 (in this order)
Day 30 - No More Trouble Zones
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you.....
Oh, wait, it is about me! I realized this week, I really like looking in the mirror. I've never really looked at myself until I started losing weight. And in May 2010, I decided I was going to look at myself in a full length mirror every day. Because I hated myself so much, I thought this would be the best way to learn to accept my body, flaws and all.
And I think it has actually helped! I look in the mirror and I'm proud of what I've accomplished. I don't always see the differences, but I remind myself of how far I've come. I can wear a size 6 pair of pants, a size that I would never have dared to imagine. A 10 was my goal size. Now, I'm thinking/wondering/hoping, is it possible I can wear a bathing suit... a **gasp** bikini for this summer. I haven't wore a bathing suit for 17 years, it boggles my mind that I can be thinking this, but I am.
But, have I gone too far? Am I now vain? Because everytime I walk past a mirror I take a quick glance. And it's not really to say, "Dayum I look Good...." Because honestly, I wouldn't say that . It's more like, I take a quick peak to confirm that yes, I really have lost all that weight. I still get surprised when I see myself in the mirror. When I get a certain view or angle, and I think, "Wow, I am starting to look thin".
So, am I vain? Some would probably say Yes, Definitely. And to them I say, "Hey, this is my blog, of course it's all about me"
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