Thursday, February 20, 2014
It's become a habit for me in the last year or so to check in on my emotions first thing in the morning when I wake up, before I have a chance to impose any conscious bias of what I think I should be feeling. I also check in during the day when I step away from my work. And I like to have a conversation with myself in the car on my commute home (... which I used to be too self-conscious to do, but now that everyone talks hands-free on their phones, noone would guess that I am this crazy to talk to myself the whole car ride home!!!!)
So... it's been a bit of a surprise. I thought I was in touch with my feelings but not so much. Many times when I check in, fear is my main emotion or at least present among other emotions. I do have plenty of happiness, excitement, melancholy, tiredness, etc. But the fear surprises me. I'm not certain what it's about but my guess is that I am afraid of myself, of slipping and letting myself down. I have not been losing weight and I am trying to kick it into higher gear but am afraid of failure. Well OK not much I can do about that except prove myself wrong and get more self-confidence.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
This seems like a common topic. Stopping a binge during the binge. I have developed some good strategies for avoiding bingeing behavior. But I still find myself going to bed occasionally with a full belly and realizing what I did to myself.
Last night I broke a nice binge-free streak. I was tired and should have gone to bed but started bingeing instead. I saw what I was doing and thought to myself "well I know this isn't exactly a binge, but it is bingeing behavior." So it was great that I acknowledged the bingeing behavior while I was doing it and not afterward. But what's funny (to me anyway) was that it WAS a binge. It just didn't look like one YET. But if it feels like a binge it probably is. So that was an educational experience for me. I think it's a good sign. I'll work on stopping in mid binge. One stratregy that might work is switching mid-binge from junk food to healthy, filling foods. Eating healthy, filling food is usually how I avoid bingeing when I get the urge.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
I've read a couple of good resources lately about self sabotage. What beliefs do you have that are helping or hurting you to reach your goals? The problem for me is that the sabotaging thoughts are hard to grab onto and write them down. If you asked me for information about a proper diet, I would point you to some great information. But how come i lose weight so slowly? I must not be practicing what I preach. Well I don't preach, but you know what I mean.
Why in the world at 11pm would I microwave a bag of cheesy broccoli & rice, and then think Oh boy that would be good with half a can of Bush's veg baked beans, and throw on a little sriracha sauce and some real cheddar and... I ate the whole bowl! This was not a huge binge, and the food wasn't horribly unhealthy, but I didn't need it. I know better. If I needed anything it was maybe a 100- or 200-cal snack, tops. So why did I do it? What was I thinking?
As I read about beliefs today, it occured to me that the sabotaging beliefs are.... what's the word,,, Ethereal? No. Ephemeral? Almost.
I couldn't find the exact word I was looking for, and oftentimes I can't quite put my finger on the sabotaging thoughts either. They're gone before I can think too hard. Either I've acted on them or pushed them away. It's like they're not so much thoughts as emotions or urges.
My sabotaging beliefs are temporary and sneaky, coming out under stress or late at night, and then returning into hiding.
My sabotaging beliefs are not logical. They don't respond to reason.
My sabotaging beliefs are whispery or wispy with no substance, only want.
They are the exact opposite of the way I want to live my life. I don't want to eat too much. I don't want to feel sloppy and unable to change. I don't want to eat so much that it disrupts my sleep. I don't want to disrespect myself.
So my plan is to TRY to remember to have a healthy snack and take away the power from this primitive, bullying, addictive binge-brain gremlim. Don't feed the gremlin after 9pm!
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