Friday, June 14, 2013
Recently, I responded to a new SparkFriend's post lamenting about the state of her current body and in anticipation of it not being perfectly what she hopes it will be after weight loss. I have struggled with my past and current bodies for this same reason and find myself quite often being angry and resentful that even after an 80 pound loss, I don't look anywhere near what I feel I should. Yet, when seeing it from someone else's eyes, I found the perspective to see just what is really important in all of this and just for sh**s and giggles, I decided to put it here in a blog since she told me she found it inspirational and who knows who else might need to hear it (myself included) today. What follows is my response to a question basically asking why bother to lose the weight when the cellulite/extra skin will still be there.
All one has to do is looik at my user name to figure out that a large part of my motivation to lose the weight had to do with my appearance. Yes, I did want to lose the weight and be the hottie I had dreamed of being for years. However, thankfully, this was not the only factor that played into my descision to make huge life changes. I had taken a good look at myself and my life and although I did like myself and my life, I knew that it could be infinitely better with better health, nutrition and fitness.
Here comes the brutal honesty part. For me, anyway, reaching my ever changing weight loss goals has been pretty anti-climactic. Each time I hit a target weight that I thought was the magic number, I would continue to be disappointed that I don't look like the image I had in my mind when starting all of this. I am at 146 pounds at 5'7" and am pleased with my strength and fitness levels even as I continue to try and improve upon them, but even as I see muscles emerging and lean limbs and even through my torso in the back, I continue to struggle with a stomach full of cellulite, stretch marks, loose skin and yes, fat. It just hangs there. So unnattactive and maybe even more so when compared to the rest of my lean body. I feel some days like it is just there to taunt me and remind me of the mistakes of the past. We are all built differently and we all lose the last of our fat from somewhere that none of us like and yes, when we lose 80 or more pounds, sometimes the skin doesn't catch up.
But TBH, I try really hard not to focus too much on that part. I keep eating as well as I can, tracking my food, staying within my calorie range and changing up my strength and cardio routines in an effort to rid myself of this last evidence of the abuse I put my body through for years. The reason that I started and the reason that I will NOT GIVE UP is that I am 45 next week and have perfect blood pressure, blood sugars, cholesterol and many other health benchmarks. I feel energetic, happy, healthy and vibrant. My sex life is phenominal compared to before and I find that just the whole world feels ilke a different place. I can keep up with DH on the bike, I can run with my kids and I feel like, if I wanted to, there is nothing that I couldn't do with practice and effort. The confidence that comes with just feeling good and conquering the addictuion that I had with processed foods and feeling in control of what I eat and my life in general cannot compare with the occasional smile that a nice bikini would put on my face. I look good. I feel good. Ok, so I may never be able to feel like a Victoria's Secret model, but I know that all of the improvements I have made have enhanced my life and the lives of those around me more than being anyone's idea of beauty.
Be your own idea of beauty. Put those images of what you think you should look like out of your head. (I"m talking to myself just as much here). Imagine just having more energy, feeling better and looking YOUR best, whatever that may be and just know that any improvements that you make at this point, you will not regret.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Back in 2009 I had completely had it with living my life in the body that I had become far too accustomed to. I had finished having babies in 1997, but not only had I not lost my "baby" fat, but my weight just kept creeping up with every passing year until I had reached an all time high of 226lbs and had found it perfectly acceptable. Then, one day near Christmas 2009, I decided that I had been fooling myself that I was happy the way I was.
I resolved to make a change in 2010 and that is exactly what I did. By the end of 2010 I had lost over 70 pounds and finally reached the high weight of my healthy BMI range. I hit my goal! I was elated, I was thrilled, I was empowered and felt like I could do anything! Then, it hit me. I wasn't done. Not by a long shot. I remember in 2011 and early 2012, I had been struggling to keep the weight off and was not doing as well as I'd hoped in maintenance. I also realized that my goal weight was about 10 pounds too generous and I really wanted to keep losing, but it just would't come, no matter what I did and I even re-gained about 17 of what I had lost because I had become so discouraged.
I'm happy to say that I'm here in 2013 at my original goal weight and maintaining well after some much needed tweeks to my relationship with food and constant adjustments to my fitness routines as well. Maintenance is hard. There is no doubt. And, TBH, the motivation seems to come and go and is so different from when you have the goals and timelines during the weight loss process. Although, I'm still working to find a more comfortable weight, I am essentailly overall very happy with the progress that I've made.
There are times when I wonder why I have to keep working so hard on it all, but then I get a nice compliment or can rock a dress or outfit that I couldn't have even considered before the healthy changes to my mind and body. Recently a co-worker of DH's recently commented to him that "Vicki is so hot, what is she doing with you?" LOL I wore a snug RED dress to my office Christmas party and felt like a million bucks, but I'm healthy now and I want to keep it that way. It is more than just trying to maintain a certain dress size or "look", but feeling fit, and strong and generally healthy and energetic is what keeps me going everyday.
What keeps you going?
Thursday, August 09, 2012
Just wanted to quickly journal/blog this morning as I am able to reflect on the night before. Yesterday afternoon/evening, I found myself on the precipice of the cliff, leaning over and I managed to pull myself back in in time to limit the damage.
Roughly translated: I came closer to a binge than I've been since May and I think I managed to avert it. Although, I did shed a couple of tears over having come so close, I got through the fear and guilt and managed to feel pretty darn triumphant in the end.
DH asked what I did differently that made me so vulnerable and what I can do differently next time (yes, he is awesome and supportive). He made me take the emotions away from the situation and helped me to be more analytical and proactive going forward rather than letting the guilt fuel the fire and create more risk. I think that in the past, this is something I've been missing. (that, and the person who can actually take the cookie jar away from me and hide it at the most pivotal time). He, thankfullly, was there to do both when I asked for the help and totally understood and respected what I needed him to do.
Once I did examine what happened, in contrast to how I have been successfully avoiding a binge over the last 2 months or more, I was able to pin-point exactly how I had set myself up and it was a combination of emotional factors as well as how and what I had eaten throughout the day.
So, although I did manage to limit the damage (half of a small bag of Smart Food popcorn and 2 chocolate chip cookies), I know that had DH not been there when I needed more strength, I probably would have finished off the cookies and fell into a full-on binge, so I know that I will not allow myself to go without adequate nutrition for breakfast, lunch and snacks again, especially when I have any other stressors weighing on me. I didn't have adequate portions of protein and complex carbs and just simply ate too few calories before my most vulnerable time of day - after work.
Packing lots of healthy foods today. I KNEW this was so crutial, but now I can see that I just can't EVER go into a day unprepared. Anything can happen and I'll be ready from now on!!
Thursday, August 02, 2012
1) managing stressful workload at work without pigging out when I get home (finally broken the habit of snacking like crazy before supper)
2) it's been 74 days since my last binge
3) graciously accepted ONE delicious, home-made chocolate chip cookie from my co-worker and stopped at that
4) split my specially ordered, chef-made lunch into half-portions so that I can enjoy it again tomorrow
5) effectively using walks and Curves circuit workouts to help manage stress as opposed to food and wine
6) starting to really see evidence of a defined waist
7) hovering within a hair's width of my healthy BMI
8) 30% body fat and counting
That is all.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Hey! I'm back. Did you miss me? I missed you - all my Spark-friends.
I've probably been MIA since about late February or March when I started working with my Wellness Consultant. That took up alot of my Spark energy and it was a great experience which gave me imeasurable perspective. I didn't lose any weight, but I did learn alot about myself and my relationship with food and managed to maintain my weight despite eating at least 1800 nutrient dense calories per day!! I now realize that 1200 is just too little for me and was not a good idea for my metabolism either.
So, I've resumed my healthy-eating ways and I've both increased and changed my activity level and have been finally seeing some positive changes on the scale lately. I was sad to see on my weight report that I had gained a full 20 pounds back starting around this time last year, but I'm within 9 pounds of my lowest weight one year ago today, so at least I'm back on a downward trend and have re-gained control before it all came back!!
I've joined Curves, well, actually, I'm working there and I have nothing but really great and positive things to say about it. I'm acutally following their Curves Complete healthy eating program (1500 calories for Phase 2) and am enjoying it immensely. It works, it's healthy, well balanced and gives me lots of energy to keep up with my new workout schedule. I would highly recommend it for anyone, let alone someone like me who may be struggling after having tried just about everything.
Hope to reconnect with lots of you soon. Hope you're doing well and staying healthy!!
Love and hugs,
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