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Race to Fruition

Monday, November 02, 2009

Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Thousands of people who have trained for months (and perhaps some who are adventurous* and didnt train at all) set out on the 26 mile marathon through the 5 boros of New York City. As I watched the runners take off, embarking on what would most like be one of the most memorable experiences in their lives something strange happened, I became so overwhelmed with emotion that tears come to my eyes. I was surprised, and caught off guard, a bit amazed by the intensity of my emotions. What would cause this to happen? It was just people running, but I think I might have been thinking about everything they went through to get where they were, and that finally the day came to exhibit all that was gained. I dont really know - I just had a feeling of - finally. finally all they have worked for was coming to fruition, and I felt so very happy for them. They were moving, they were on their way.
I think that is what brought tears to my eyes.
I often feel like I am at a dead stop. My life is so much of a struggle, but I feel like I'm not moving anywhere. At least not fast enough. I wanted in that moment to be on my own race to fruition...
And then I came to realize that I am. If we are here on Spark People working it out - we are all in a race to fruition. My sprint might be nothing compared to your jog, and we might both look like snails as compared to the people who running full force - but we are all still here racing to our personal fruition. When we hit them (because there's never usually just one) the joy pride we feel is not lessened by little things, sometimes the little things is what have made the big thing really worth it. We put the work in and reaped the rewards - the journey is just as important as the end. Sometimes, it is more important.

* Silly

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESPAH 11/4/2009 6:22AM

    Yep, it's the journey.

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MITECU 11/3/2009 6:15AM

    Thanks for this inspiring blog. We sparkers are all in this race together.

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MARYSUPPORTS 11/2/2009 7:57PM

    I often cry at things like this too, isn't it just an amazing feeling.

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PEPPERLEAH 11/2/2009 4:04PM

    Great blog! Yes, the journey is just as important as the end!

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TELERIE 11/2/2009 3:55PM

    So very true!

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YATMAMA 11/2/2009 2:02PM

    I just love this quote of yours: the little things is what have made the big thing really worth it. So, so, so, so true. I cry at things like that, too. I'm glad I'm not the only one! *hugggggggggs* I just love your heart!!


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BLAZINGSWORD 11/2/2009 1:02PM

    Yes, that is so right! "Do not despise the day of small beginnings!" Bible

You are so right! Everything that we do today puts us ahead for health and for life.

Keep thinking that way and you will make YOUR goals!!!!!!!!

emoticon emoticon

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IUHRYTR 11/2/2009 11:57AM

    Nice message and important graphic. Thanks. -- Lou

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ERUPERTO 11/2/2009 11:47AM


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Monday, October 19, 2009

What do you do when you feel like something has been stolen from you? There was something so close to my heart that I couldnt wait to have, but knew that I would have to wait until next year in order to afford it. One of my friends knew this, because in my excitement, I mentioned it in an email. Lo and behold the next weekend her husband gets her *exactly* what I wanted.
Talk about taking the wind out of your sails.
I'm having some very difficult feelings about all of this, mostly because I feel at fault. If I didnt mention anything, if I kept my feelings to myself - they could not have been given to someone else, who most likely just passed them on to her husband as her own. I'm not sure if you can understand this situation without realizing the history here. She has the tendency to try to live my life, I noticed it many years ago, but it seemed so strange to me, that someone would covet ANYTHING of me or mine, I mostly dismissed things I thought to be ďcoincidencesĒ. Itís only now, when I'm trying to ďmeet myselfĒ, that I'm realizing they arent/werent coincidences at all. I know there is no good coming to me by boohooing and bellyaching about this, and I feel a little silly even taking it to heart, especially in contrast to my previous post, but I just needed to reflect/vent a bit. By nature, I'm pretty phlegmatic, so when I get excited about something it's a major event for me, for someone else to claim my excitement as their own for gain, is just one of the strangest things I've ever experienced. I guess there's no reason why I can't still go on about my business. My concern is that I will just start keeping things to myself to the point there is nothing for me to say, or I seem secretive. I just have to trust and pray that the Lord will take care of it. I dont like harboring contentious feelings, and I dont have to. I feel about 100 times better at the end of this, than I did at the beginning.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GILLIANMASTERS 10/20/2009 4:34PM

    I understand what you are going through. And I am sad to say I had to cut the person out of my life, to finally get the peace I needed, once I realized what she was doing. It was hard and there are days I really miss her and wonder what she is up to, but my life is easier without her I am sad to say. Good Luck, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 10/20/2009 4:08PM

    "She has the tendency to try to live my life" Amen sister! My best friend is exactly like that. I didn't really realize it until about 2 years ago that she is making our life a competition. She dated a guy she knew I liked, when I met my future hubby in high school she ALWAYS said how she wanted to "clone" him and now she's dating a guy who looks like he could be related to him, places we've said we'd like to vacation are suddenly on her list. It's like she uses my life as her measuring stick and it freaks me out. So I know what you're going through. She shouldn't have been that way toward this thing you wanted. Do you think she knows she's doing it? I mean I know if I pointed this out to my friend she would be *completely* oblivious. I just wonder if she realizes she's doing it. If she doesn't that's one thing but if she does, that's just rude. Good luck!

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RUSSELLORAMA 10/20/2009 4:00PM

    Wow, I don't know if I'll ever understand folks like this. But that's okay, you really don't have to delve into their inner workings, just your own. Now that you know this is how she is, you can maintain a friendship and just be wary of how much you share or just know that if you speak of your desires honestly, there is a real possibility that she will attempt to one-up you. I've long given up on trying to change anyone's behavior but my own! Don't let it steal your joy or give up on your dream. It will still be a sweet victory!

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DJS-DEBBIE 10/20/2009 3:52PM

    I have known people like this in my life. One of the things I love about SP is that you can vent about things here and truly feel better about them. Now that you recognize this 'friend' for what she is, you can make a conscious choice in the future about whether or not you want to share certain things with her.

You are right - just go about your business and do what you were going to do. I am sure you will enjoy it just as much when you finally get it, and definitely you will enjoy it more than she does now.

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YATMAMA 10/20/2009 3:23PM

    I had a similar friend once, too. In the end, it proved to be a very distructive relationship and I severed ties with her entirely, something I do not do very easily. This friend sounds like she has a it of passive aggression going on at your expense. Enemies come to steal, kill, and destroy. Friends give life (and in the case of the Friend who sticks closer than a brother, life more abundantly). Be cautious here. The red flags you are sensing are very important. The more you discover you, the REAL you, the more you will realize that unhealthy relationships no longer belong in your world. Giving 100% of you is one thing. Having it leached from you is quite another. As for your dream item? Keep saving your pennies and being excited about it. Enjoy it completely when it is yours and don't let your friend (and I'm very reluctant to use that term now) deflate your sails for one more moment. Learn what is able to be learned, though, and carry it forward.

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MARYSUPPORTS 10/20/2009 7:14AM

    I don't know what makes some people do this. Just keep your excitement about certain things to yourself and maybe plant some low emotion things to this person in the future so as not to seem secretive.

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BASKETLADY6 10/20/2009 4:56AM

    Unfortunately, there are people who do this. I don't know why (nor am sure I want to know why), but they do.

You have the right attitude==be honest and passionate about what you do. You deserve it for you!

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JOYATLAST 10/20/2009 2:31AM

    The wind will be back in your sails when you get yours next year.

You're right! Go about your own business honestly and passionately. Your life does not have to be diminished by this.

I hope you get it on sale!!!!!!!!!

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Learning a Big lesson from a "tiny" object

Friday, October 09, 2009

I had a pretty trying week.

My computer crashed, and Im still recovering. My body is trying very hard to adjust to the weather, so Ive been experiencing all kinds of irritating and strange sensory symptoms (like right now as I type this, the plam of my right hand is on fire and bright red - the back of the same hand is freezing.) Such happens when my body is thrown into a new season.

I didnt take special care of my eating this week, and although I got exercise everyday, it felt sporadic, rushed and tiring, not refreshing or revitalizing. Then today to top it all off - the land lady remembers something, that I just know did not happen, but she presented it to her family in such a way that makes me look like the one at fault.

I was not. too. happy.
I have a good friend who sends me a Bible study each Friday, and I forgot to read last Friday's, so I decided to read it tonight. By the time I got to the end and read this I was in tears.

"Now how big are the things that upset you today? How Big is your God? Is
your God a puny god, or The Mighty God? Keep things and life in perspective."

We are just a speck in this vast and deep universe. When we see the Earth that comes with problems seemingly larger than life at times, diminished to no more than a dot on the map of the universe, it is indeed humbling. Even with that much insignificance the God of this universe not just pays attention to me, but loves me to the point that he knows the number of hairs I have on my head. It doesnt seem wise to waste my time worrying. God is in control. We don't often know why we go through the things we do, but He does.

(Im not sure how the pictures will come out, but Im very willing to send on the full sized pdf.)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTJUDEATTUDE 10/19/2009 1:22PM

    I loved this blog post. I saw this article several times and it always brings it home. Our God is so much BIGGER than we can even imagine.
My tag line is usually:
Dont tell God how big your storm is...Tell your storm how BIG YOUR GOD IS!!!!!!
have a blessed day. Jude

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PEPPERLEAH 10/10/2009 9:03PM

    Thank you. This was such a blessing to me tonight.

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MARYSUPPORTS 10/10/2009 9:16AM

    This is such an awesome post. Really puts things into perspective.

My god is a very powerful god that can handle all things for us.

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AHEALTHIERJAN 10/10/2009 1:15AM

    What a beautiful post! It really puts things in perspective. Thank you.

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YATMAMA 10/10/2009 12:07AM

    That was awesome!! Thank you so much for sharing it!

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Writing it out

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I have a friend whom I love with all of my heart. He is currently going through a rough time, and I have finally realized and accepted that I cannot help him. I hope to be there for him, and I will pray for him, but he's facing something he has to act on himself. Not being able to help someone, really puts a dent in my superwoman complex, and I've noticed in the past two weeks in order to fill up that emptiness that this sense of failure (still a bit hard on myself. Old habits are hard to break, but it will come in time) has brought, I would just eat whenever it felt like I was hungry...which seems like it has been 24-7 for the past few weeks. No matter what I ate, I wouldnt *feel* full, I would be full, because I could tell by my esophagus that I was. I just havent been feeling full.
Last night I read my journal and blogs for the past month, and realized that this situation is perhaps taking more of a toll on me than I care to admit. I whispered a prayer and realized that being aware of something as simple as understanding why the emotional eating has popped up, really goes a long way to prevent it. I was able to stay on track today. I decided that I would leave my friend in God's hands. What God can do for him is better than anything I could even think of.
I hope I'm finding my way back to the path. Autumn is coming, and I'm not sure what surprises that my body is going to throw me. I really want to be ready for it.

Thank you for all of the prayers and support. It still is a strange comfort knowing that I can come here and ask for support - and get it. Thank You so very much.
Im feeling so much better today. I feel that I made decisions as opposed to just going with what I felt.
And although, my eyes can't see it (The Biggest Loser contestant that I thought looked most like me is acutally largerr than I am. I still have a hard time understanding what I look like.) I know something within me has changed. I havent given up on myself. Even when I felt like my stomach had no bottom, I'd try to work in two workouts to counter the extra calories, and having changed some of my food habits - I was extremely grateful there was no cake, cookies or chips in my kitchen!!
Still on my journey one step at a time...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESPAH 9/21/2009 6:12AM

    You didn't set yourself up for failure. That is huge.

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YATMAMA 9/18/2009 2:23PM

    I applaud your honesty in examining your heart. That will carry you all the way to the finish line. It's so hard for those of us who want to kiss all the booboos of the world and make them better to acknowledge that we really have no mythical, magical power to fix everything for everyone. It's a sobering realization, isn't it? How arrogant we can become!! Our task, instead, is to follow the example of the group of friends in the New Testament who knew their friend needed Jesus. When there were obstacles, a crowd they could not penetrate, they placed their friend on a stretcher, tore away the thatched roof, and somehow managed to lower their friend through the roof and right into Jesus' lap. Now THOSE were good friends!!! That's the kind of friends I want and the kind of friend I long to be for all of those within my sphere of influence.

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IUHRYTR 9/18/2009 12:20AM

    Your message is the story of my past few weeks. I, too, eat when I feel hungry and track everything but I never feel full. Now I know I have to dig deeper for what is really going on in my life. Thank you for posting this. -- Lou

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REGGIE2009 9/17/2009 11:06PM

    You know what triggers you have to avoid. You are an inspiration! Thanks for sharing. emoticon emoticon

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JUSTJUDEATTUDE 9/17/2009 11:06PM

    Such insight. I think we, as women, suffer from this "Super Woman" complex a lot. We CAN NOT save the world. We can encourage. model, pray for, and be there for others, but they have to make their own decisions. Like you have found out, we are the ones who suffer when we try to do it all. I speak from experience as well. Keep looking ahead and do what you can to help, but not at the risk of losing you. Have a great day. Jude

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LOSETHEWTIN08 9/17/2009 10:57PM

    You are on the right path. Admitting we have issues is the major step.You are a very good friend...sometimes we have to love and help from afar.

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Just reminders

Thursday, September 03, 2009

At the wedding, after seeing many of my friends - some of which I haven't seen in 7 years- the second thing I said after "hi" was - "I have MS, I have MS, I have MS"
- I couldn't believe how quickly I reverted. (Remember I said was going to swear that off?) I guess it was the shocked looks on their faces? It took me
aback almost violently. I felt I needed to explain why I looked so different immediately.
I think I almost felt that I needed to apologize for not being 350 pounds anymore. I donít really know where these feelings came from or why I have them.
How could me getting healthy ever affect any of them?? Why would I think that?
Those were some of the strangest feelings Iíve ever encountered.
Iím still the heaviest of my group; I walked around with two sweaters on - the one that was a part of my outfit, and the other just to cover my arms. Iím
still unbelievably body conscious, and it's only me, they all told me that I looked good, my old boss did not even recognize me.
The next day I went to visit my aunts who were happily surprised, the phlebotomist at my drs office said - where are you disappearing to?
It feels good just a bit, but not completely. I feel like there's this tremendous sack hanging over my head - it contains every pound I've lost.
It's just waiting to fall on me.
I remember when I was in school; I did a paper for my American lit class. It was on Willa Cather's Neighbor Rosicky (I canít believe I remember that). I
enjoyed doing that paper so much, the cherry on top was that - I got a great grade, and the teacher wrote me a note. I couldnít tell you what the note said,
but I remember having a feeling of - oh boy...I WISH I HADNT DONE SO WELL...I'll never be able to live up to that.
That is the exact thing I'm feeling now - and it's so utterly ridiculous. Can you imagine? Iím wishing myself ill will? Are you kidding me!!
It makes me upset just writing and realizing that.
I shouldnít feel that it is not something I can live up to, I HAVE LIVED UP TO IT! I should be feeling that I can maintain my health, and I will as long as I
can move.
I set my bar; I set it, no one else.
When the woman at the drs office said - how did you do it? You just changed your diet? I think I shook my head no. So that evening I sat down and
wrote all of the things that I have done since I started losing weight, just to prove to myself that I did in fact have a hand in this. I did not wish my
fat away, I did not find the magic pill! Iíve worked at it. Iíve worked hard at it!! This is some of the list.

1) I stopped using vegetable oil. If I use oil, I only use canola oil or olive oil.

2) I stopped drinking juice more than once a day. When it is hot, I drink iced tea and water, but I try not to have more than one glass of juice a day.
When I do drink some juice, it needs to be 100%. It is expensive calorically, but it is healthier than "drinks"(I donít drink soda, never have)

3) I started watching my portions. I donít take seconds unless I truly feel I am still hungry. Last year, there was a period of time when I only ate half of
my plate before putting it all up.

4) I started drinking more water. I still have lots of trouble getting in 8 glasses (I donít like drinking), but I do drink more water than I ever did

5) I exercise. I wrote an entire entry on my other blog about the history of my [non]exercise life, but the bottom line is that I never took time out to
exercise before, I do now. I try to get in at least 30 minutes a day, I aim for 45 - 60, but sometimes that doesnít happen. I try not to beat myself up about

6) I started learning more about my body and how it works in reference to nutrition and exercise.

7) I started eating more vegetarian meals and less meat - I think I can be classified as a...flexitarian.

8) I started eating breakfast! It's my favorite meal of the day!

9) I started dressing differently - I put up my now baggy clothes, and started wearing things, so I can see the shape of my body more often. Still getting
used to a slightly smaller me.

10) I do not deprive myself of anything; Iím just a bit more sensible about what I think I have to have right now! I changed my lifestyle, I didnít go on a

11) I joined Spark People! And that was one of the best decisions I ever made.

I think now that Iím in a....hmm about 4 month plateau. Iím just knocking around the same 3 pounds some times up and then the next day down - the same 3
pounds for months. I have more that I need to start doing, to get out if that, and I will, but Iím glad I took pause to realize that - with God's help, I
really have worked at this. I guess it just doesnít really feel like it? Iím so grateful. Iím grateful that I can still move, and Iím grateful that even
though I donít work, I do get some of my writing sold, and my father mostly listens when I suggest the changes I plan to make in the menu. God continues to
bless me, Iím so thankful.

I need to start :

Eating more fruits and vegetables! I like my rotation of five vegetables, but I need to add more to it. Fruits are harder. I have allergies to some if
they arenít cooked, and others, I canít swallow that well, but I need to find a way to start adding a bit more to my daily intake.

I need to go on another candy fast. My biggest vice are the sweets. Iím not a chips or salty snacks girl, but I am a candy and cake girl. Iíve done alright
by staying away from the cake (broken oven!) - but the candy...eek. Ill have to try going gradually down like I did in the beginning. Fruit leather here I

I need to find another exercise that I enjoy. I have my Leslie Sansone DVDs, I have my mini bike - I ordered a dance exercise video, but it was too
difficult to keep up with. I was so disappointed because I was looking forward to it, but I have to take special care of my back and my legs. That DVD must
be for 18 year olds! Maybe I will try Pilates?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESPAH 9/8/2009 8:14AM

    Listing what you've done is, I think, key. It's not effortless, and it wasn't and it isn't. And that's not necessarily such an awful thing. Essentially what's going on is that you're deliberately doing this.

So, since it ISN'T something you just fell into, it isn't something that can be magically whisked away. The sword of Damocles over your head won't fall or shift unless YOU move it.

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LOSINGLINNDY 9/4/2009 12:33AM

    Your list of what you have done is so beneficial. It was good for me to read it and be reminded of all the hard work I have done to bring about changes in my life. After 2 years of my lifestyle changing journey, some of the emotional issue I was stuffing down with food are starting to surface. I plan to see a counselor short term to help work through one set that hit hard this week. We are succeeding in our goals for a healthy life of which we are in control. We can continue with God's help.

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_RAMONA 9/4/2009 12:10AM

    YOU are WONDER-FULL! Don't allow anyone to take that away from you!

And it's harder to move the internal stuff forward than it is to change the physical. I moved far away from my dysfunctional family many years ago. I would come back for visits... test the waters (I even had a seperate wardrobe to come 'home' in - a wardrobe that reflected their comfort level)... hope/wonder if I would ever be strong enough to come back and not fall victim to the 'change back' behaviours they would pull out. I finally came 'home' to live once I thought I was strong enough to be myself no matter what the pressure was to be otherwise... the person I felt created to be, not the person they all wanted (perhaps needed) me to be... no more explanations and justification... no more living to make others more comfortable with who I am.

That was almost 15 years ago, and I am still fighting to hold my own. As long as I am off living my life, I do fine. As soon as I have to relate to my family, I struggle to not revert. I finally understand that it's because while I've changed, they haven't (nor do they want to)... and I no longer fit in the dynamic they are all used to, and with which they are comfortable. I am a jarring reminder of what doesn't work, and nobody else wants to acknowledge that, so we struggle... me to retain my authenticity, them to maintain staus quo.

It does get easier for me with each passing year and with every encounter I manage to not revert, but I have to keep working at it... mentally, emationally and in actual practice.

Our weight struggles (anyone's) are rooted in stripping away the layers we acquired to protect our authenticity from censure. As we strip off the layers, and expose our true 'self' to the view of others we won't always be prepared for the reactions... and we will struggle to not run and hide, over-explain, justify. But it will get easier.

You are doing an amazing job. Don't lose sight of that. Your insight, and self-reflection in this blog is awe-inspiring, and NOBODY can take THAT away from you. Next time you go in to see the doctor, take the list you made above with you and ask to have it placed on your file. And keep going back and showing people who you really are. Mostly, always remember... YOU are ENOUGH. That's all anyone needs to know!

{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}

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YATMAMA 9/3/2009 6:23PM

    I have a hard time with floor low-impact aerobics. They make me get winded and are murder on my bum left knee. I started doing chair aerobics (Richard Simmons' Sit Tight is a favorite) and it gives me a very good cardio workout. I also love the water aerobics class, as you know. It doesn't stress my knee at all and still gets us to break a sweat because it's such a good workout. Perhaps one of those could help. The more we get to a place where we view our bodies as God does, the more we will be free. I'm fully convinced of that. You hit the nail on the head when you said what you're doing doesn't affect others! I was so freaked about going to the aquatic center and being in front of people in a swim suit. But you know, they didn't pay me any mind whatsoever! I'm just not that important. What a relief!!

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