Monday, November 02, 2009
Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Thousands of people who have trained for months (and perhaps some who are adventurous* and didnt train at all) set out on the 26 mile marathon through the 5 boros of New York City. As I watched the runners take off, embarking on what would most like be one of the most memorable experiences in their lives something strange happened, I became so overwhelmed with emotion that tears come to my eyes. I was surprised, and caught off guard, a bit amazed by the intensity of my emotions. What would cause this to happen? It was just people running, but I think I might have been thinking about everything they went through to get where they were, and that finally the day came to exhibit all that was gained. I dont really know - I just had a feeling of - finally. finally all they have worked for was coming to fruition, and I felt so very happy for them. They were moving, they were on their way.
I think that is what brought tears to my eyes.
I often feel like I am at a dead stop. My life is so much of a struggle, but I feel like I'm not moving anywhere. At least not fast enough. I wanted in that moment to be on my own race to fruition...
And then I came to realize that I am. If we are here on Spark People working it out - we are all in a race to fruition. My sprint might be nothing compared to your jog, and we might both look like snails as compared to the people who running full force - but we are all still here racing to our personal fruition. When we hit them (because there's never usually just one) the joy pride we feel is not lessened by little things, sometimes the little things is what have made the big thing really worth it. We put the work in and reaped the rewards - the journey is just as important as the end. Sometimes, it is more important.
Monday, October 19, 2009
What do you do when you feel like something has been stolen from you? There was something so close to my heart that I couldnt wait to have, but knew that I would have to wait until next year in order to afford it. One of my friends knew this, because in my excitement, I mentioned it in an email. Lo and behold the next weekend her husband gets her *exactly* what I wanted.
Talk about taking the wind out of your sails.
I'm having some very difficult feelings about all of this, mostly because I feel at fault. If I didnt mention anything, if I kept my feelings to myself - they could not have been given to someone else, who most likely just passed them on to her husband as her own. I'm not sure if you can understand this situation without realizing the history here. She has the tendency to try to live my life, I noticed it many years ago, but it seemed so strange to me, that someone would covet ANYTHING of me or mine, I mostly dismissed things I thought to be ďcoincidencesĒ. Itís only now, when I'm trying to ďmeet myselfĒ, that I'm realizing they arent/werent coincidences at all. I know there is no good coming to me by boohooing and bellyaching about this, and I feel a little silly even taking it to heart, especially in contrast to my previous post, but I just needed to reflect/vent a bit. By nature, I'm pretty phlegmatic, so when I get excited about something it's a major event for me, for someone else to claim my excitement as their own for gain, is just one of the strangest things I've ever experienced. I guess there's no reason why I can't still go on about my business. My concern is that I will just start keeping things to myself to the point there is nothing for me to say, or I seem secretive. I just have to trust and pray that the Lord will take care of it. I dont like harboring contentious feelings, and I dont have to. I feel about 100 times better at the end of this, than I did at the beginning.
Friday, October 09, 2009
I had a pretty trying week.
My computer crashed, and Im still recovering. My body is trying very hard to adjust to the weather, so Ive been experiencing all kinds of irritating and strange sensory symptoms (like right now as I type this, the plam of my right hand is on fire and bright red - the back of the same hand is freezing.) Such happens when my body is thrown into a new season.
I didnt take special care of my eating this week, and although I got exercise everyday, it felt sporadic, rushed and tiring, not refreshing or revitalizing. Then today to top it all off - the land lady remembers something, that I just know did not happen, but she presented it to her family in such a way that makes me look like the one at fault.
I was not. too. happy.
I have a good friend who sends me a Bible study each Friday, and I forgot to read last Friday's, so I decided to read it tonight. By the time I got to the end and read this I was in tears.
"Now how big are the things that upset you today? How Big is your God? Is
your God a puny god, or The Mighty God? Keep things and life in perspective."
We are just a speck in this vast and deep universe. When we see the Earth that comes with problems seemingly larger than life at times, diminished to no more than a dot on the map of the universe, it is indeed humbling. Even with that much insignificance the God of this universe not just pays attention to me, but loves me to the point that he knows the number of hairs I have on my head. It doesnt seem wise to waste my time worrying. God is in control. We don't often know why we go through the things we do, but He does.
(Im not sure how the pictures will come out, but Im very willing to send on the full sized pdf.)
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I have a friend whom I love with all of my heart. He is currently going through a rough time, and I have finally realized and accepted that I cannot help him. I hope to be there for him, and I will pray for him, but he's facing something he has to act on himself. Not being able to help someone, really puts a dent in my superwoman complex, and I've noticed in the past two weeks in order to fill up that emptiness that this sense of failure (still a bit hard on myself. Old habits are hard to break, but it will come in time) has brought, I would just eat whenever it felt like I was hungry...which seems like it has been 24-7 for the past few weeks. No matter what I ate, I wouldnt *feel* full, I would be full, because I could tell by my esophagus that I was. I just havent been feeling full.
Last night I read my journal and blogs for the past month, and realized that this situation is perhaps taking more of a toll on me than I care to admit. I whispered a prayer and realized that being aware of something as simple as understanding why the emotional eating has popped up, really goes a long way to prevent it. I was able to stay on track today. I decided that I would leave my friend in God's hands. What God can do for him is better than anything I could even think of.
I hope I'm finding my way back to the path. Autumn is coming, and I'm not sure what surprises that my body is going to throw me. I really want to be ready for it.
Thank you for all of the prayers and support. It still is a strange comfort knowing that I can come here and ask for support - and get it. Thank You so very much.
Im feeling so much better today. I feel that I made decisions as opposed to just going with what I felt.
And although, my eyes can't see it (The Biggest Loser contestant that I thought looked most like me is acutally largerr than I am. I still have a hard time understanding what I look like.) I know something within me has changed. I havent given up on myself. Even when I felt like my stomach had no bottom, I'd try to work in two workouts to counter the extra calories, and having changed some of my food habits - I was extremely grateful there was no cake, cookies or chips in my kitchen!!
Still on my journey one step at a time...
Thursday, September 03, 2009
At the wedding, after seeing many of my friends - some of which I haven't seen in 7 years- the second thing I said after "hi" was - "I have MS, I have MS, I have MS"
- I couldn't believe how quickly I reverted. (Remember I said was going to swear that off?) I guess it was the shocked looks on their faces? It took me
aback almost violently. I felt I needed to explain why I looked so different immediately.
I think I almost felt that I needed to apologize for not being 350 pounds anymore. I donít really know where these feelings came from or why I have them.
How could me getting healthy ever affect any of them?? Why would I think that?
Those were some of the strangest feelings Iíve ever encountered.
Iím still the heaviest of my group; I walked around with two sweaters on - the one that was a part of my outfit, and the other just to cover my arms. Iím
still unbelievably body conscious, and it's only me, they all told me that I looked good, my old boss did not even recognize me.
The next day I went to visit my aunts who were happily surprised, the phlebotomist at my drs office said - where are you disappearing to?
It feels good just a bit, but not completely. I feel like there's this tremendous sack hanging over my head - it contains every pound I've lost.
It's just waiting to fall on me.
I remember when I was in school; I did a paper for my American lit class. It was on Willa Cather's Neighbor Rosicky (I canít believe I remember that). I
enjoyed doing that paper so much, the cherry on top was that - I got a great grade, and the teacher wrote me a note. I couldnít tell you what the note said,
but I remember having a feeling of - oh boy...I WISH I HADNT DONE SO WELL...I'll never be able to live up to that.
That is the exact thing I'm feeling now - and it's so utterly ridiculous. Can you imagine? Iím wishing myself ill will? Are you kidding me!!
It makes me upset just writing and realizing that.
I shouldnít feel that it is not something I can live up to, I HAVE LIVED UP TO IT! I should be feeling that I can maintain my health, and I will as long as I
I set my bar; I set it, no one else.
When the woman at the drs office said - how did you do it? You just changed your diet? I think I shook my head no. So that evening I sat down and
wrote all of the things that I have done since I started losing weight, just to prove to myself that I did in fact have a hand in this. I did not wish my
fat away, I did not find the magic pill! Iíve worked at it. Iíve worked hard at it!! This is some of the list.
1) I stopped using vegetable oil. If I use oil, I only use canola oil or olive oil.
2) I stopped drinking juice more than once a day. When it is hot, I drink iced tea and water, but I try not to have more than one glass of juice a day.
When I do drink some juice, it needs to be 100%. It is expensive calorically, but it is healthier than "drinks"(I donít drink soda, never have)
3) I started watching my portions. I donít take seconds unless I truly feel I am still hungry. Last year, there was a period of time when I only ate half of
my plate before putting it all up.
4) I started drinking more water. I still have lots of trouble getting in 8 glasses (I donít like drinking), but I do drink more water than I ever did
5) I exercise. I wrote an entire entry on my other blog about the history of my [non]exercise life, but the bottom line is that I never took time out to
exercise before, I do now. I try to get in at least 30 minutes a day, I aim for 45 - 60, but sometimes that doesnít happen. I try not to beat myself up about
6) I started learning more about my body and how it works in reference to nutrition and exercise.
7) I started eating more vegetarian meals and less meat - I think I can be classified as a...flexitarian.
8) I started eating breakfast! It's my favorite meal of the day!
9) I started dressing differently - I put up my now baggy clothes, and started wearing things, so I can see the shape of my body more often. Still getting
used to a slightly smaller me.
10) I do not deprive myself of anything; Iím just a bit more sensible about what I think I have to have right now! I changed my lifestyle, I didnít go on a
11) I joined Spark People! And that was one of the best decisions I ever made.
I think now that Iím in a....hmm about 4 month plateau. Iím just knocking around the same 3 pounds some times up and then the next day down - the same 3
pounds for months. I have more that I need to start doing, to get out if that, and I will, but Iím glad I took pause to realize that - with God's help, I
really have worked at this. I guess it just doesnít really feel like it? Iím so grateful. Iím grateful that I can still move, and Iím grateful that even
though I donít work, I do get some of my writing sold, and my father mostly listens when I suggest the changes I plan to make in the menu. God continues to
bless me, Iím so thankful.
I need to start :
Eating more fruits and vegetables! I like my rotation of five vegetables, but I need to add more to it. Fruits are harder. I have allergies to some if
they arenít cooked, and others, I canít swallow that well, but I need to find a way to start adding a bit more to my daily intake.
I need to go on another candy fast. My biggest vice are the sweets. Iím not a chips or salty snacks girl, but I am a candy and cake girl. Iíve done alright
by staying away from the cake (broken oven!) - but the candy...eek. Ill have to try going gradually down like I did in the beginning. Fruit leather here I
I need to find another exercise that I enjoy. I have my Leslie Sansone DVDs, I have my mini bike - I ordered a dance exercise video, but it was too
difficult to keep up with. I was so disappointed because I was looking forward to it, but I have to take special care of my back and my legs. That DVD must
be for 18 year olds! Maybe I will try Pilates?
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