Friday, November 20, 2009
Sometimes, I read the journal of the me I've been - just to remember, just to prove to myself that change is indeed possible. I still have a difficult time getting out and "living" because I'm still trying to figure out what that means for me. I'm not entirely sure where to start, or what exactly I consider "living" to be, but thats all a part of getting to know myself.
I read those entries from my journal years ago, and I see all the pain, shame, heartache, and torment I gifted myself. While I'm sure I could feel anger towards that girl, for all of the time wasted, I don't. There's still a piece of me that is her, and I feel such compassion, and gratitude for the person who wrote those journals. She is the person that got me here. She's the one who logged onto SP last May, She is the one that said - "Today is a new day" (Thanks Jespah).
When I read those journals, I wish I could give her a hug, and tell her that it's going to be ok. I would whisper to her "You're going to start changing your life, you're going to start realizing that there some things that only you can teach, you're going to learn to love yourself, it will be ok. It won't be quick, and it won't be easy, but it'll be ok."
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Yesterday, I read a line on Kate Spade's - Blog Shapely Prose, it read -
The way you feel about yourself informs what gifts from others you allow yourself to accept.
I believe this. I can look at my past experiences and see this lesson with a clarity I never had before. But I feel another part can be added to this.
The way you feel about yourself informs the gifts you will give to others.
I was able to see and understand these statements with a clarity I never allowed myself to have, or even believed I could have. It's only since I've started working on meeting myself (yup, that's still happening) that I see all things I shut myself off from with the heartbreaking belief that I didn't deserve anything, anyone or any better. I look back and see how much I kept myself all locked up because I didnt want to be seen, I didnt want to be heard, I didnt want to live. I wanted to be the invisible person I was treated as.
I'd love to say that once I realized all of this, I bounced right up and said ok forget it, now on to bigger and better things, but that's not what happened. I feel Ill get there eventually, but I have taken some time to mourn for all I've rejected, all I did not fight for and allowed to pass me by, all I've been too scared to offer, and all I've scolded myself for being and not being, simply because of how poorly I felt about my body and myself. I needed that time for the reality of it to sink in.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Thousands of people who have trained for months (and perhaps some who are adventurous* and didnt train at all) set out on the 26 mile marathon through the 5 boros of New York City. As I watched the runners take off, embarking on what would most like be one of the most memorable experiences in their lives something strange happened, I became so overwhelmed with emotion that tears come to my eyes. I was surprised, and caught off guard, a bit amazed by the intensity of my emotions. What would cause this to happen? It was just people running, but I think I might have been thinking about everything they went through to get where they were, and that finally the day came to exhibit all that was gained. I dont really know - I just had a feeling of - finally. finally all they have worked for was coming to fruition, and I felt so very happy for them. They were moving, they were on their way.
I think that is what brought tears to my eyes.
I often feel like I am at a dead stop. My life is so much of a struggle, but I feel like I'm not moving anywhere. At least not fast enough. I wanted in that moment to be on my own race to fruition...
And then I came to realize that I am. If we are here on Spark People working it out - we are all in a race to fruition. My sprint might be nothing compared to your jog, and we might both look like snails as compared to the people who running full force - but we are all still here racing to our personal fruition. When we hit them (because there's never usually just one) the joy pride we feel is not lessened by little things, sometimes the little things is what have made the big thing really worth it. We put the work in and reaped the rewards - the journey is just as important as the end. Sometimes, it is more important.
Monday, October 19, 2009
What do you do when you feel like something has been stolen from you? There was something so close to my heart that I couldnt wait to have, but knew that I would have to wait until next year in order to afford it. One of my friends knew this, because in my excitement, I mentioned it in an email. Lo and behold the next weekend her husband gets her *exactly* what I wanted.
Talk about taking the wind out of your sails.
I'm having some very difficult feelings about all of this, mostly because I feel at fault. If I didnt mention anything, if I kept my feelings to myself - they could not have been given to someone else, who most likely just passed them on to her husband as her own. I'm not sure if you can understand this situation without realizing the history here. She has the tendency to try to live my life, I noticed it many years ago, but it seemed so strange to me, that someone would covet ANYTHING of me or mine, I mostly dismissed things I thought to be “coincidences”. It’s only now, when I'm trying to “meet myself”, that I'm realizing they arent/werent coincidences at all. I know there is no good coming to me by boohooing and bellyaching about this, and I feel a little silly even taking it to heart, especially in contrast to my previous post, but I just needed to reflect/vent a bit. By nature, I'm pretty phlegmatic, so when I get excited about something it's a major event for me, for someone else to claim my excitement as their own for gain, is just one of the strangest things I've ever experienced. I guess there's no reason why I can't still go on about my business. My concern is that I will just start keeping things to myself to the point there is nothing for me to say, or I seem secretive. I just have to trust and pray that the Lord will take care of it. I dont like harboring contentious feelings, and I dont have to. I feel about 100 times better at the end of this, than I did at the beginning.
Friday, October 09, 2009
I had a pretty trying week.
My computer crashed, and Im still recovering. My body is trying very hard to adjust to the weather, so Ive been experiencing all kinds of irritating and strange sensory symptoms (like right now as I type this, the plam of my right hand is on fire and bright red - the back of the same hand is freezing.) Such happens when my body is thrown into a new season.
I didnt take special care of my eating this week, and although I got exercise everyday, it felt sporadic, rushed and tiring, not refreshing or revitalizing. Then today to top it all off - the land lady remembers something, that I just know did not happen, but she presented it to her family in such a way that makes me look like the one at fault.
I was not. too. happy.
I have a good friend who sends me a Bible study each Friday, and I forgot to read last Friday's, so I decided to read it tonight. By the time I got to the end and read this I was in tears.
"Now how big are the things that upset you today? How Big is your God? Is
your God a puny god, or The Mighty God? Keep things and life in perspective."
We are just a speck in this vast and deep universe. When we see the Earth that comes with problems seemingly larger than life at times, diminished to no more than a dot on the map of the universe, it is indeed humbling. Even with that much insignificance the God of this universe not just pays attention to me, but loves me to the point that he knows the number of hairs I have on my head. It doesnt seem wise to waste my time worrying. God is in control. We don't often know why we go through the things we do, but He does.
(Im not sure how the pictures will come out, but Im very willing to send on the full sized pdf.)
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