Monday, August 24, 2009
I didn't even realize it at first. About a month ago I started to stuff my shoes with tissue - I thought perhaps it lost its shape, but it was a really comfy pair, so I stuffed them until I could buy another pair. Which I did and wore on Friday. It was a very dangerous experience, the shoes kept on falling off and at one point I almost tripped on a shoe that was no longer on my foot.
My shoes don't fit anymore. My sandals are loose, my flats fall off, my boots- flop around (I had to try them on, just to make sure that I wasnt going nutty). My shoes no longer fit.
I'm not sure if that it normal or just poetic. I've read so many times that we should never judge - we don't really know the situation until we have walked a mile in someone else's shoes - and here I am on this path to discovery, and I cannot fit my own.
I went to a wedding yesterday, and the heat really did a number on my body and cognitive state. MS + Heat = bad day. The two people I gave the web address of the site I occasionally write for - I gave the wrong address- and beat myself up about it all day. Finally I stopped myself and pep talked myself - I don't have their contact info but they have mine, so when they go to look and find the error, they will contact me. That's the best I can do right now. There is no need to keep on beating myself up about it.
Maybe I need to start cutting myself a little slack?
The project continues. It's slow going, but it IS going.
Monday, August 03, 2009
The dr did not write the prescription wrong. The pharmacy got it wrong.
I did call the pharmacy, and after trying to convince me that my dr wrote the prescription wrong - I asked her - wouldnt the dose printed on the bottle be dangerous?
So trying to prove me wrong she checked her information about the medicine and saw that what I was saying was true. The maximum dose is 2 per day
"Ok then just take the two a day" she said.
And that's it.
Not another word.
If she felt so strongly that my dr got it wrong - why not say - "we should call him and point out this dangerous error"?
Because the dr didnt get it wrong.
Thanks, for all of your input.
Friday, July 24, 2009
The previous entry and the comments I received made me realize that I am between bodies because I'm not moving forward into the acceptance of who I am. Most of my motivations, start with writing. Why not now?
After reading CJROMB's comment and Lab-Lover's blog, I thought it might be time to set out on a journey to meet myself, and I've started putting together a "meet myself project" for the rest of the summer, maybe the fall and winter too.
For as long as I need it. I want to pursue it. It's high time I met the me inside.
I know that the self I have been has lived to please everyone around me because I didn't/don't feel worthy of attention and found that if everyone was happy with me, someone might *like* me. I have pretended to be who I am not, and put up with things I otherwise might not have. All in the hopes of gaining acceptance.
How can I expect acceptance - if I don't accept myself just as I am? That's insanity.
No, I don't want that anymore, but even when I started on SP I remember feeling that I didn't want it then.
Maybe I have a long enough simmering period to ensure I can start stomping out that feeling now. I have to give myself a little credit though (a little) although - I don't do things for people to like me as much as I used to. It was my MS helped me with that.
But that's another thing! Not only am I dealing with the acceptance of my body, but also the acceptance of my diagnosis. You think I'd be there by now, but I'm not 100%- I'm getting so much better at it though.
I am hidden under all of this loose layers of non acceptance. Have to find a way to shed them, or tighten them up!
No matter how much weight I lose, if I don't grow in my mind I will ALWAYS be stuck right here. It's time to grow in my mind. The prospect is scary, but I really need to. I might just be better for it!
Friday, July 17, 2009
I feel like I am between bodies. When I used to wear a size 30 I "knew" my place, it was invisible. Now - I'm still fat - size 16, and it feels like as soon as I'm ready to try to embrace it - something/one comes and reminds me - yes you're a little less - but you're still fat.
As if I could forget...
If you knew me 10 years ago, you'd say wow you lost a lot of weight! If you're just meeting me you might say - wow- have you always been this heavy? (This actually happened when I went to the dr, and got the day's intern. When he said that to me, I looked him in the face and scoffed.)
But that is how I feel lately - pumped up and pulled back all at once. Like, I'm unaware of how I should behave. It seems like I'm not as invisible as I used to be, but -what does being visible entail? I haven't exactly developed the social skills to deal with the people I've been invisible to for the last 20 years of my life. There's a part of me that is not at all interested in changing, and the other which feels that I don't really have a choice.
I'm not used to being in limbo whereas my feelings are concerned. At least not for this about of time. I do want to be a size 12 one day, and even if it takes me the next year or two to reach it. I want to, so these feelings are likely to stick around for a while.
I guess it's something I have to grow into.
It's so strange. Almost like growing up again.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Embrace struggle. It's cardio for your character. - mishal moore/anna spade
I just read this in my twitter feed, and it made me...happy, and gave me a feeling of empowerment.
When times get rough, that's your character muscle being strengthed. I know many of us struggle every single day. It's comforting to think it is not in vain.
Cardio builds endurance!
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