Thursday, September 17, 2009
I have a friend whom I love with all of my heart. He is currently going through a rough time, and I have finally realized and accepted that I cannot help him. I hope to be there for him, and I will pray for him, but he's facing something he has to act on himself. Not being able to help someone, really puts a dent in my superwoman complex, and I've noticed in the past two weeks in order to fill up that emptiness that this sense of failure (still a bit hard on myself. Old habits are hard to break, but it will come in time) has brought, I would just eat whenever it felt like I was hungry...which seems like it has been 24-7 for the past few weeks. No matter what I ate, I wouldnt *feel* full, I would be full, because I could tell by my esophagus that I was. I just havent been feeling full.
Last night I read my journal and blogs for the past month, and realized that this situation is perhaps taking more of a toll on me than I care to admit. I whispered a prayer and realized that being aware of something as simple as understanding why the emotional eating has popped up, really goes a long way to prevent it. I was able to stay on track today. I decided that I would leave my friend in God's hands. What God can do for him is better than anything I could even think of.
I hope I'm finding my way back to the path. Autumn is coming, and I'm not sure what surprises that my body is going to throw me. I really want to be ready for it.
Thank you for all of the prayers and support. It still is a strange comfort knowing that I can come here and ask for support - and get it. Thank You so very much.
Im feeling so much better today. I feel that I made decisions as opposed to just going with what I felt.
And although, my eyes can't see it (The Biggest Loser contestant that I thought looked most like me is acutally largerr than I am. I still have a hard time understanding what I look like.) I know something within me has changed. I havent given up on myself. Even when I felt like my stomach had no bottom, I'd try to work in two workouts to counter the extra calories, and having changed some of my food habits - I was extremely grateful there was no cake, cookies or chips in my kitchen!!
Still on my journey one step at a time...
Thursday, September 03, 2009
At the wedding, after seeing many of my friends - some of which I haven't seen in 7 years- the second thing I said after "hi" was - "I have MS, I have MS, I have MS"
- I couldn't believe how quickly I reverted. (Remember I said was going to swear that off?) I guess it was the shocked looks on their faces? It took me
aback almost violently. I felt I needed to explain why I looked so different immediately.
I think I almost felt that I needed to apologize for not being 350 pounds anymore. I donít really know where these feelings came from or why I have them.
How could me getting healthy ever affect any of them?? Why would I think that?
Those were some of the strangest feelings Iíve ever encountered.
Iím still the heaviest of my group; I walked around with two sweaters on - the one that was a part of my outfit, and the other just to cover my arms. Iím
still unbelievably body conscious, and it's only me, they all told me that I looked good, my old boss did not even recognize me.
The next day I went to visit my aunts who were happily surprised, the phlebotomist at my drs office said - where are you disappearing to?
It feels good just a bit, but not completely. I feel like there's this tremendous sack hanging over my head - it contains every pound I've lost.
It's just waiting to fall on me.
I remember when I was in school; I did a paper for my American lit class. It was on Willa Cather's Neighbor Rosicky (I canít believe I remember that). I
enjoyed doing that paper so much, the cherry on top was that - I got a great grade, and the teacher wrote me a note. I couldnít tell you what the note said,
but I remember having a feeling of - oh boy...I WISH I HADNT DONE SO WELL...I'll never be able to live up to that.
That is the exact thing I'm feeling now - and it's so utterly ridiculous. Can you imagine? Iím wishing myself ill will? Are you kidding me!!
It makes me upset just writing and realizing that.
I shouldnít feel that it is not something I can live up to, I HAVE LIVED UP TO IT! I should be feeling that I can maintain my health, and I will as long as I
I set my bar; I set it, no one else.
When the woman at the drs office said - how did you do it? You just changed your diet? I think I shook my head no. So that evening I sat down and
wrote all of the things that I have done since I started losing weight, just to prove to myself that I did in fact have a hand in this. I did not wish my
fat away, I did not find the magic pill! Iíve worked at it. Iíve worked hard at it!! This is some of the list.
1) I stopped using vegetable oil. If I use oil, I only use canola oil or olive oil.
2) I stopped drinking juice more than once a day. When it is hot, I drink iced tea and water, but I try not to have more than one glass of juice a day.
When I do drink some juice, it needs to be 100%. It is expensive calorically, but it is healthier than "drinks"(I donít drink soda, never have)
3) I started watching my portions. I donít take seconds unless I truly feel I am still hungry. Last year, there was a period of time when I only ate half of
my plate before putting it all up.
4) I started drinking more water. I still have lots of trouble getting in 8 glasses (I donít like drinking), but I do drink more water than I ever did
5) I exercise. I wrote an entire entry on my other blog about the history of my [non]exercise life, but the bottom line is that I never took time out to
exercise before, I do now. I try to get in at least 30 minutes a day, I aim for 45 - 60, but sometimes that doesnít happen. I try not to beat myself up about
6) I started learning more about my body and how it works in reference to nutrition and exercise.
7) I started eating more vegetarian meals and less meat - I think I can be classified as a...flexitarian.
8) I started eating breakfast! It's my favorite meal of the day!
9) I started dressing differently - I put up my now baggy clothes, and started wearing things, so I can see the shape of my body more often. Still getting
used to a slightly smaller me.
10) I do not deprive myself of anything; Iím just a bit more sensible about what I think I have to have right now! I changed my lifestyle, I didnít go on a
11) I joined Spark People! And that was one of the best decisions I ever made.
I think now that Iím in a....hmm about 4 month plateau. Iím just knocking around the same 3 pounds some times up and then the next day down - the same 3
pounds for months. I have more that I need to start doing, to get out if that, and I will, but Iím glad I took pause to realize that - with God's help, I
really have worked at this. I guess it just doesnít really feel like it? Iím so grateful. Iím grateful that I can still move, and Iím grateful that even
though I donít work, I do get some of my writing sold, and my father mostly listens when I suggest the changes I plan to make in the menu. God continues to
bless me, Iím so thankful.
I need to start :
Eating more fruits and vegetables! I like my rotation of five vegetables, but I need to add more to it. Fruits are harder. I have allergies to some if
they arenít cooked, and others, I canít swallow that well, but I need to find a way to start adding a bit more to my daily intake.
I need to go on another candy fast. My biggest vice are the sweets. Iím not a chips or salty snacks girl, but I am a candy and cake girl. Iíve done alright
by staying away from the cake (broken oven!) - but the candy...eek. Ill have to try going gradually down like I did in the beginning. Fruit leather here I
I need to find another exercise that I enjoy. I have my Leslie Sansone DVDs, I have my mini bike - I ordered a dance exercise video, but it was too
difficult to keep up with. I was so disappointed because I was looking forward to it, but I have to take special care of my back and my legs. That DVD must
be for 18 year olds! Maybe I will try Pilates?
Monday, August 24, 2009
I didn't even realize it at first. About a month ago I started to stuff my shoes with tissue - I thought perhaps it lost its shape, but it was a really comfy pair, so I stuffed them until I could buy another pair. Which I did and wore on Friday. It was a very dangerous experience, the shoes kept on falling off and at one point I almost tripped on a shoe that was no longer on my foot.
My shoes don't fit anymore. My sandals are loose, my flats fall off, my boots- flop around (I had to try them on, just to make sure that I wasnt going nutty). My shoes no longer fit.
I'm not sure if that it normal or just poetic. I've read so many times that we should never judge - we don't really know the situation until we have walked a mile in someone else's shoes - and here I am on this path to discovery, and I cannot fit my own.
I went to a wedding yesterday, and the heat really did a number on my body and cognitive state. MS + Heat = bad day. The two people I gave the web address of the site I occasionally write for - I gave the wrong address- and beat myself up about it all day. Finally I stopped myself and pep talked myself - I don't have their contact info but they have mine, so when they go to look and find the error, they will contact me. That's the best I can do right now. There is no need to keep on beating myself up about it.
Maybe I need to start cutting myself a little slack?
The project continues. It's slow going, but it IS going.
Monday, August 03, 2009
The dr did not write the prescription wrong. The pharmacy got it wrong.
I did call the pharmacy, and after trying to convince me that my dr wrote the prescription wrong - I asked her - wouldnt the dose printed on the bottle be dangerous?
So trying to prove me wrong she checked her information about the medicine and saw that what I was saying was true. The maximum dose is 2 per day
"Ok then just take the two a day" she said.
And that's it.
Not another word.
If she felt so strongly that my dr got it wrong - why not say - "we should call him and point out this dangerous error"?
Because the dr didnt get it wrong.
Thanks, for all of your input.
Friday, July 24, 2009
The previous entry and the comments I received made me realize that I am between bodies because I'm not moving forward into the acceptance of who I am. Most of my motivations, start with writing. Why not now?
After reading CJROMB's comment and Lab-Lover's blog, I thought it might be time to set out on a journey to meet myself, and I've started putting together a "meet myself project" for the rest of the summer, maybe the fall and winter too.
For as long as I need it. I want to pursue it. It's high time I met the me inside.
I know that the self I have been has lived to please everyone around me because I didn't/don't feel worthy of attention and found that if everyone was happy with me, someone might *like* me. I have pretended to be who I am not, and put up with things I otherwise might not have. All in the hopes of gaining acceptance.
How can I expect acceptance - if I don't accept myself just as I am? That's insanity.
No, I don't want that anymore, but even when I started on SP I remember feeling that I didn't want it then.
Maybe I have a long enough simmering period to ensure I can start stomping out that feeling now. I have to give myself a little credit though (a little) although - I don't do things for people to like me as much as I used to. It was my MS helped me with that.
But that's another thing! Not only am I dealing with the acceptance of my body, but also the acceptance of my diagnosis. You think I'd be there by now, but I'm not 100%- I'm getting so much better at it though.
I am hidden under all of this loose layers of non acceptance. Have to find a way to shed them, or tighten them up!
No matter how much weight I lose, if I don't grow in my mind I will ALWAYS be stuck right here. It's time to grow in my mind. The prospect is scary, but I really need to. I might just be better for it!
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