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HAPPYWRITER7's Recent Blog Entries

A walk in my shoes

Monday, August 24, 2009

I didn't even realize it at first. About a month ago I started to stuff my shoes with tissue - I thought perhaps it lost its shape, but it was a really comfy pair, so I stuffed them until I could buy another pair. Which I did and wore on Friday. It was a very dangerous experience, the shoes kept on falling off and at one point I almost tripped on a shoe that was no longer on my foot.
My shoes don't fit anymore. My sandals are loose, my flats fall off, my boots- flop around (I had to try them on, just to make sure that I wasnt going nutty). My shoes no longer fit.
I'm not sure if that it normal or just poetic. I've read so many times that we should never judge - we don't really know the situation until we have walked a mile in someone else's shoes - and here I am on this path to discovery, and I cannot fit my own.
I went to a wedding yesterday, and the heat really did a number on my body and cognitive state. MS + Heat = bad day. The two people I gave the web address of the site I occasionally write for - I gave the wrong address- and beat myself up about it all day. Finally I stopped myself and pep talked myself - I don't have their contact info but they have mine, so when they go to look and find the error, they will contact me. That's the best I can do right now. There is no need to keep on beating myself up about it.
Maybe I need to start cutting myself a little slack?
The project continues. It's slow going, but it IS going.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESPAH 8/28/2009 6:00AM

    Isn't it wacky where our bodies lose weight? My wedding ring is just about sliding off me these days, and it's not like I do finger exercises or anything. :)

And, yes, it's also metaphorical.

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YATMAMA 8/25/2009 8:45PM

    Be as gracious to you as you would be to me. That's a good rule of thumb for me. I think negative things of myself and then I'll ask myself: Would you EVER say that to a friend? No way! Then I shouldn't say it to myself. I'm so proud of you for coming to that realization!! It's SO healthy!


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LOSINGLINNDY 8/25/2009 12:23AM

    No maybe about it. Cut yourself that slack. Nothing is worth beating yourself up over.

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IUHRYTR 8/25/2009 12:07AM

    Beating ourselves up never accomplishes anything worthwhile so it's nice you're going to be positive about the day. Loved the message at the end. I haven't had much quiet time lately as I would like and I miss it. Be well. Keep up the good attitude.


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When Pharmacists make mistakes...

Monday, August 03, 2009


The dr did not write the prescription wrong. The pharmacy got it wrong.
I did call the pharmacy, and after trying to convince me that my dr wrote the prescription wrong - I asked her - wouldnt the dose printed on the bottle be dangerous?
So trying to prove me wrong she checked her information about the medicine and saw that what I was saying was true. The maximum dose is 2 per day
"Ok then just take the two a day" she said.
And that's it.
Not another word.
If she felt so strongly that my dr got it wrong - why not say - "we should call him and point out this dangerous error"?
Because the dr didnt get it wrong.

Thanks, for all of your input.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUSSELLORAMA 8/6/2009 11:11AM

    Wow! That's crazy to not just admit the mistake, especially when you're a business that literally deals with life and death situations. I'm glad that you noticed the error and stuck to your guns. We all make mistakes, and there's nothing wrong with copping to it.

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SWEETZMIX 8/4/2009 12:04PM

    OH MY!! You know that is why we must always check b/c mistakes do happen. It just pisses me off when people deny when they make a mistake, just admit you are wrong.

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CATCHRISTA50 8/3/2009 5:01PM

    I never leave the pharmacy without reading and looking at the medication I was given. That way I can get any questions answered on the spot. If a mistake is made (because we are human) it can be corrected at once. It does need to be reported, but I would go back to the pharmacy that filled it and give them a chance to explain why they wrote it that way. Maybe the doctor wrote it wrong. That's happened to me. I've had the doctor tell me one thing and then write it another way. It's very confusing. I would make sure I talked to the pharmacy manager. I'm not sure it that's what they're called, but there is one person that is the head of that department. If it's a store, like CVS, Publix, Walmart, you can speak to the store manager as well. I'm so glad nothing serious happened to you. God's speed. Christa

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HAPPYWRITER7 8/3/2009 4:26PM

    Xnanny, yes Im sure it is a mistake. My dr spoke with me as he was filling out the prescription telling me about how/when to take the medicine. The medication's website pin points 2 ways this medication can be taken but they are clear to note that you take it one way with the 8mcg and the other way with the 24mcg.
Neither the 8 nor the 24mcg suggests 4 pills a day.
I have a feeling that someone from the pharmacy would try to second guess me - but the prescription is for 60 pills - a correct 30 day dose under the directions my dr wrote. Under their directions I would finish the medication in 15 days.
This isnt 15 day medication.
I have both MS and Scleroderma. I go to the dr and pharmacist many, many times a year. I dont have the luxury of not reading about or researching every medication I am prescribed.

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XNANNY 8/3/2009 3:37PM

    Are you sure that it is a mistake. I have had a prescription filled with a smaller dose pill that had to be doubled so I took the right amount. My pharmacist gave me the prescription he told me about the change so I wasn't worried, but I can see someone forgetting to tell you about the change. Hope you are doing well.

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YATMAMA 8/3/2009 12:17PM

    Thank God you are diligent to read labels! Never assume that medication is dispensed accurately. I would report the errot directly to the pharmacist (not one of the staff) and to your physician right away. Ask your doctor's staff who else should be notified of this error. Yours could be one of many, sparking a much needed investigation.

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MKPQ51 8/3/2009 12:06PM

    My friend recently had a similar situation; in her case, they provided her with the wrong drug. When she called the pharmacy, they questioned her about the prescription, and of course they were very apologetic.

I do believe precautions have been taken by pharmacies. For an example, my husband takes medication for type 2 diabetes; each prescription comes with an informational sheet about the medication. ( I wonder how many of us, who have received the similar information sheets, have taken the time to read them.) Also, each time my husband picks us his prescription, the pharmacy confirms the medication, quantity, and instructions with him.

Because pharmacists are human, they will make mistakes; therefore, we also need to check our medication to be sure we got what the doctor ordered (Thankfully, in both these cases, you and my friend did just that!). No matter what precautions are taken, errors will still occur; thus, the best thing is for us to continue to check our prescriptions for accuracy.

With that said, I agree that this should be reported and needs to go further than just the local pharmacy; as to whom, I don't know. Call the pharmacy and ask them what the standard procedure is for reporting errors such as yours; if you're uncomfortable calling your pharmacy, call another.


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BASKETLADY6 8/3/2009 11:39AM

    I think you need to talk with both your pharmacist and your doctor. Please talk to your pharmacist at least, or call their regional or corporate offices to discuss it with them.

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CHEWIEKIKI 8/3/2009 11:27AM

    I would call the pharmacy. They're going to take it seriously because they know how much worse the accident could have been if someone had been sickened seriously or died. Once my mom was given the wrong medication and then went and floated in the pool and could have drowned because it zonked her out so bad. And if I were given sulfa by accident, I would most likely suffer a very painful death... So be glad you checked your medicines and always be cautious. But in this type of thing, it's probably more important to call the pharmacy (or go in) and scare the bejeebus out of them than to file some sort of official report or complaint. (And I wouldn't know how to do that in any case.) Glad you're okay.

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The Meet Myself project...

Friday, July 24, 2009

The previous entry and the comments I received made me realize that I am between bodies because I'm not moving forward into the acceptance of who I am. Most of my motivations, start with writing. Why not now?
After reading CJROMB's comment and Lab-Lover's blog, I thought it might be time to set out on a journey to meet myself, and I've started putting together a "meet myself project" for the rest of the summer, maybe the fall and winter too.
For as long as I need it. I want to pursue it. It's high time I met the me inside.
I know that the self I have been has lived to please everyone around me because I didn't/don't feel worthy of attention and found that if everyone was happy with me, someone might *like* me. I have pretended to be who I am not, and put up with things I otherwise might not have. All in the hopes of gaining acceptance.
How can I expect acceptance - if I don't accept myself just as I am? That's insanity.
No, I don't want that anymore, but even when I started on SP I remember feeling that I didn't want it then.
Maybe I have a long enough simmering period to ensure I can start stomping out that feeling now. I have to give myself a little credit though (a little) although - I don't do things for people to like me as much as I used to. It was my MS helped me with that.
But that's another thing! Not only am I dealing with the acceptance of my body, but also the acceptance of my diagnosis. You think I'd be there by now, but I'm not 100%- I'm getting so much better at it though.
I am hidden under all of this loose layers of non acceptance. Have to find a way to shed them, or tighten them up!
No matter how much weight I lose, if I don't grow in my mind I will ALWAYS be stuck right here. It's time to grow in my mind. The prospect is scary, but I really need to. I might just be better for it!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESPAH 7/30/2009 8:40AM

    {shakes hands}

Pleased to meet you.

Acceptance is a part of this journey, no question. I get identity issues constantly, more than I ever did when I was a young adult.

See, ya lose weight, you look younger, and suddenly you get young person angst, too. Oh man I do hope the big hair isn't next ... :)

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RUSSELLORAMA 7/26/2009 4:49PM

    This is such an awesome idea. I keep telling people that losing weight is the easy part, it's the mental work that is such a struggle. When I get stalled in my physical progress, it is almost always because I am grappling with something internally. I am so far ahead mentally that I can hardly believe it some days. It is so exciting to see these changes in you! Keep us posted!

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BASKETLADY6 7/26/2009 5:32AM

    You are exemplifying the adage, "Know thyself." And it's helping you grow.

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TELERIE 7/25/2009 1:52PM

    Oh this is so good. So, so good! I wish you the very best journey to meet yourself - I'm on the same journey to meet Me!
If you want some input and inspiration, may I direct you to Craig Harper, a fellow Lab-Lover pointed to in one of her recent blogs. Really powerful stuff. http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_p

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_RAMONA 7/25/2009 12:21PM

    Good for you! I've been a 'Spark' for 18 months, and I sort of went about this differently than most... I started losing weight... got uncomfortable (sensed that what I was doing - following the crowd - wasn't right for me), and sat down to figure it out. I couldn't move forward without figuring out what was truly about me, and what was about everything and everybody else. I am now ready to allow my body to catch up to the rest... and I'm not at all sorry I did it this way. In 18 months I'm still pretty much where I started weight-wise, but I'm light years ahead of where I was mentally. As result, it all seems easy at this point because I'm doing it for the right reasons, in ways that are truly reflective and respectful of who I am, and what I need.

I truly believe that nobody will accomplish lasting weight loss without answering these questions for themselves (I see the confirmatin daily on the team threads). Best wishes on your journey to 'self'!

May your every day be all you need it to be. May an all abiding peace fill your thoughts, rule in your dreams each night, and conquer all your fears. May God manifest himself in ways you have never before experienced. May your joys be fulfilled, your dreams be closer, and your cares be lifted. I pray that faith enters a new height in you, that your territory be enlarged, and that fulfillment is just one step closer.

{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}

P.S. A great catalyst for my introspection and discovery was writing my 'I am DONE...' and my 'I will...' statements... they are on my SparkPage... took me a month or so, but it was really worth it!

Comment edited on: 7/25/2009 12:23:50 PM

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LOSINGLINNDY 7/25/2009 12:27AM

    What an insightful message. With this blog you are on your way to inner acceptance. Your summer project sounds helpful for helping you know yourself and make the changes you want for yourself. Keep us posted on how it comes along. I am here for you as you begin the journey.

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IUHRYTR 7/24/2009 9:01PM

    Introspection is often revealing. Maybe not the way we would like it to be, but revealing nonetheless. You have started down this road and I know you will successfully reach your destination. We're here to cheer you on when you need us. -- Lou

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TRY2CHANGE 7/24/2009 8:56PM

    I am so glad you are on a search for yourself. I started that journey last year, I am still finding new things about myself, and found it quite tough to get rid of the stuff I did out of habit for others. Change is not always easy, but change in the right way can always be good. Always remember God made you in his image and he loves you, with his love you do not need anyone elses. Love him and he will bring others with his love to you. Praise God you are on that search! Good Luck and God Bless

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CAREWREN 7/24/2009 5:42PM

    Excellent, excellent, excellent! Thank you!

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Between Bodies

Friday, July 17, 2009

I feel like I am between bodies. When I used to wear a size 30 I "knew" my place, it was invisible. Now - I'm still fat - size 16, and it feels like as soon as I'm ready to try to embrace it - something/one comes and reminds me - yes you're a little less - but you're still fat.
As if I could forget...
If you knew me 10 years ago, you'd say wow you lost a lot of weight! If you're just meeting me you might say - wow- have you always been this heavy? (This actually happened when I went to the dr, and got the day's intern. When he said that to me, I looked him in the face and scoffed.)
But that is how I feel lately - pumped up and pulled back all at once. Like, I'm unaware of how I should behave. It seems like I'm not as invisible as I used to be, but -what does being visible entail? I haven't exactly developed the social skills to deal with the people I've been invisible to for the last 20 years of my life. There's a part of me that is not at all interested in changing, and the other which feels that I don't really have a choice.
I'm not used to being in limbo whereas my feelings are concerned. At least not for this about of time. I do want to be a size 12 one day, and even if it takes me the next year or two to reach it. I want to, so these feelings are likely to stick around for a while.
I guess it's something I have to grow into.
It's so strange. Almost like growing up again.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAREWREN 7/22/2009 11:44AM

    I can really relate to this blog entry. I went to an orthopedic surgeon about my back and practically the first words out of his mouth were, "You have to lose 50 pounds immediately." I said, "Well, I have lost 80 pounds." He paused for about two seconds and then said, "That's good. But you've got a lot of work left to do." Is this sort of what you mean?

I swear, if you tell someone you used to be a size 30, they will say how wonderful you look. If you DON'T say that, they will think you are plumb and do their fat discrimination thing. Geez. Talk about perspective!

I was never a 30 but I was close. I am now an 18 hoping to get into 16s pretty soon. I wish, I wish, I wish I could give myself some credit and not think, yeah but you're still fat! Wouldn't that be great if we could say, hey babe, you're lookin' good!


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CJROMB 7/18/2009 2:43PM

    I agree with TELERIE. Very frequently all the layers of overweight are hiding something much heavier on the inside. The inside work is so incredibly important.

You've come a long way from a 30 to a 16! I bet that feels amazing, but I bet you also feel a bit lost. Lab-Lover, one of my SparkBuddies, wrote a great blog recently about an Identity Crisis, about not really knowing who she was anymore, now that she's lost so much weight.

I suppose if we can't figure out who we are, we look outside hoping others will tell us. But I hope as you lose more and more weight you'll care less and less what other people are thinking about you, how other people see you, and just spend your time being who you are. The right people will be attracted to whoever you really are, and the rest? Pfft.

I love this saying "What others think of me is none of my business." Too many of us are people-pleasers, too connected to whether others think we're acceptable, fat, tall, short, etc. etc. It's hard to let go of.

There's no such thing as normal, and no one gets to be the judge of us unless we let them. Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."

I think you've done something few others ever manage to do. Good for you!!

I hope you don't mind my long response to your blog here, especially seeing you've never heard from me before. :) I'm good friends with TELERIE, and I saw that she'd commented on your blog, so I trotted over here to see and couldn't be quiet. Have a great weekend.

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TELERIE 7/18/2009 2:23PM

    Very true and excellently put! I know that feeling. I've decided to embrace life and act and live as if I was the size 12 NOW. It makes me a bit more visible, but also a lot happier than if I were to hide in my (still fat) body.
I have come to understand that doing the mental work is just as important as working out and eating right. "Almost like growing up again." I like that!

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The reason why you should embrace struggle

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Embrace struggle. It's cardio for your character. - mishal moore/anna spade

I just read this in my twitter feed, and it made me...happy, and gave me a feeling of empowerment.

When times get rough, that's your character muscle being strengthed. I know many of us struggle every single day. It's comforting to think it is not in vain.

Cardio builds endurance!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CJROMB 7/18/2009 2:44PM

    I love that! Cardio for your Character. I think I'll go paste that on my Twitter, too. :)

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VICKICURTIS 7/3/2009 7:19AM

    Thanks for sharing. I like that analogy. I'm struggling to get my weight going down. I'm shocked at how many calories I consume even when I'm being good. I guess awareness is a first step. Now to do something about it emoticon

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BASKETLADY6 7/2/2009 6:12PM

    Interesting analogy. All of us have some sort of struggle.

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