A Rant

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Sometimes I feel as though there are strong forces working against me. Every time I seem to be making positive strides, BAM!

I'm still not over my last sad story whereby I join Weight Watchers, lose 40 lbs., feel great and am only 13 lbs. from my goal weight...and then my sister is diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer and the floor drops out whereby I can't seem to handle it emotionally and during the following year I gain back a little more than half of what I lost. I lost my drive...I lost my strength... I lost the most precious thing, my sister.

I finally start to pick myself up (somewhat) a couple months after her passing last October. I found my smile again and got outside walking. I was still overeating and having difficulty getting back to moderation and sensible food choices. But I also discovered a new passion....Zumba! I loved it. I went 3 times a week and it was fun and challenging. The thing is, even with my regular walking and Zumba I have made no headway in reducing my weight. That really brings to light that my eating habits are totally out of control.

Now I have a new dilemma. Why does everything have to change???? Since the first week in January, our class size has more than doubled. That was expected because that's the time when most folks are motivated to do something to get fitter. My instructor started out the new year with several new songs and choreography. The problem with such a big class is that it's harder to see the instructor and follow the moves.

It hit me Tuesday night and then last night I actually was bummed out to the point of tears. At least 75% of the new people are 20 year-old, slim girls wearing their slinky, tight and adorable workout wear. Then there's me and a few others who are in baggy tee shirts and elastic waist sweat pants (with belly hanging out). The front wall is all mirrors. Between seeing these slim girts in front of me and my large image in the mirror, I was feeling horrible about myself.

Then there's the new music and routines. It's mostly pop tunes and hip-hop type with a few of the older routines thrown in. The movements are extremely fast and very high impact. It's not like the former latin steps that were easier to master. I not only find it harder to follow, but I find it hard to keep up. I go at my own pace, but it makes me feel like such a loser. All of a sudden, my self esteem is under attack. I know it's my own thinking that's the real culprit here, but it's hard not to think that way. I would never feel comfortable talking to my instructor about my feelings. It's a business for her, and of course she's going to cater to her market crowd, which is the twenty-somethings who are fitter and want to be challenged. I did feel a little better when one of the younger girls who I'd met in the beginning commented to me "Is it just me, or is it a lot harder now?" She's in her 20's but a bit overweight too. She had been going regularly a few months ago but hasn't been there in several weeks because her grandmother was sick and then passed away. She said she didn't think she got THAT out of shape while she was gone. I assured her that it definitely wasn't her...the new routines are harder, faster, more high impact.

I'm not quitting (yet). I still have 5 classes left on my punch card. Maybe I'll get better at it. I know it would be SO much easier if I could drop at least 20 lbs. I'd feel better about myself and be able to keep up because I wouldn't be lugging around all this extra weight. But after my 5 classes if I still feel the same, I've decided that once it's not fun anymore it's time to move on. I have the Zumba DVD set and maybe I'll do that instead.

I'm sad though that something I loved and enjoyed so much can go south so quickly. I know that the biggest part of the problem is my poor self image. I need to shed these pounds that are weighing me down in every way.

Thanks for listening with an understanding heart. I needed to get that off my chest.

.....end of rant.....

Now to ask myself the million dollar question: What are you going to do about this to make it better?

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My one and only "rule" that will help me become slim

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Sometimes when I try to impose too many restrictions in order to drop pounds, it backfires and I give up completely.

I was inspired this morning by reading my friend MORERED's blog. She said she is "being strict with no unplanned snacking and no after dinner eating" and lost 2.5 lbs. I got to thinking that if I did nothing more than this, I know I would lose weight every single week. Even if it's 1 pound a week, I'd be happy as long as it was steady and consistent.

My meals are typically moderate and healthy. I exercise daily, anywhere from 1 hour to 2 1/2 hours. Snacking is the thing that does me in....especially at night.

Dr. Joel Fuhrman is an advocate of eating 3 balanced meals and no snacks. He makes a point that when you're constantly eating, you don't experience true hunger. I agree. From years of eating incessantly, I lost the connection to my body's signals of hunger and fullness. Cravings are what Dr. Fuhrman calls "toxic hunger". You have to go through a bit of uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms before you can eliminate toxic hunger and find your true hunger. And when this happens, you actually enjoy what you eat more.


I've also read that the liver is responsible for converting stored energy, in the form of fat, into energy you can use; but it's first job is getting rid of toxins and harmful substances from the blood. If you're constantly eating (especially on foods which are processed and loaded with chemicals), the liver never has any time to get rid of the fat because it's always churning away at the excess waste.

Food is food and there is controversy as to whether or not it makes any difference what time you eat as long as you stay within an acceptable calorie range. But a couple things come to mind..1) more often than not, if I'm eating at night I've already exceeded my calorie budget; 2) going to bed after eating means that instead of rejuvenating and restoring energy during sleep, the body has to use up energy to digest.

Makes perfect sense to me that the wise thing to do is stop eating after dinner.


That doesn't mean I won't allow myself to enjoy a yummy dessert now and then. It needs to be the exception rather than the rule and it needs to be planned for and enjoyed thoroughly without guilt.

My one and only goal for now is to master and maintain the habit of NO unplanned snacks. I know....easier said than done. But I do have some strategies.

What worked for me in the past to stave off night eating is a nice cup of green tea. It's hot so I have to sip it slowly. It's soothing and satisfies that comfort feeling I crave. Double win is that it's full of cancer-fighting antioxidants.

I'm going back to watching my hypnosis DVD by Glenn Harrold. His suggestions include ones that eliminate the desire to snack. When I was consistently watching this DVD a couple years ago, I found myself naturally not snacking.

Just say NO. Going back to the Beck Diet Solution, sometimes you just need to use your mind and stop acting on impulse. I need to remind myself that I can either eat whatever I want, whenever I want....OR I can be slim and healthy. I can't have both.

So simple, yet not always easy. However - do-able!

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Off to a rough start

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

I have to be honest here and admit that this week hasn't started out as good as I'd anticipated. My food choices haven't been the wisest and my portions are still too much. I'm disappointed, but this morning feeling more determined than ever. I remind myself that it's just January 4, and I'm on a lifelong path.

A couple of things have motivated me greatly. One is my Zumba class. My instructor really kicked our butts last night! There were a lot of new people, which was expected for the first class after the new year. There was a lot of energy in the room and Europa had several new songs and routines that were killers. I loved it! During the cool down, here I was with my hair dripping and my shirt all wet in front; but feeling so good. It's exhilerating for me.

My instructor is motivation in and of herself. She's so cute and fit. She inspires me just to look at her. She works hard at giving us variety, fun, and an extremely challenging workout. I also received the Zumba workout series yesterday in the mail and have already done the instructional DVD. I'm going to use one of the DVDs every day, but still go to class 3, maybe 4, times a week. I truly enjoy it and it's the best workout ever, so why not just go for it!

In addition to daily Zumba, I am also walking 5 miles a day; either outdoors or a 5 mile indoor Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds. I prefer outdoors, but unfortunately old man winter has arrived and it's brutally cold out there since yesterday. The snow and ice that usually comes from January-March will keep me indoors too.

Exercise is truly my magic key because I do like it, but I also know that my eating needs to improve if I am to get to my goal.

The second thing that motivated me was the Biggest Loser show. I taped it and watched this morning. It's the season of "no excuses". I was very inspired by these people. They have a lot more weight to lose than I do and I enjoy watching as they work hard and transform their bodies as well as their minds. I'm going to work just as hard as they do and see my own transformation by the season finale.

I made the decision to do this on my own. I was a little apprehensive of letting go of Weight Watchers, but I know I can do this with my own personal plan, and it's important that I do it this way. I need to prove to myself that I can eat and exercise in a manner that will not only shed pounds, but be easy for me to continue for the rest of my life.

I weighed in and measured myself on Sunday, January 1. I'll weigh in every Sunday morning (and only then) and measure every 1st of each month. It's a new beginning and I'm pumped to emerge from this fat armour and become the me I was meant to be!!

It's a choice, and I choose slim and healthy.

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The Four Agreements as my intentions for 2012

Saturday, December 31, 2011

My intentions for 2012 are summed up beautifully by don Miguel Ruiz in his book "The Four Agreements".

The Four Agreements are:

1. "Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret."

I have printed these out and posted them where I can read them daily. If I can do these 4 things, my life will be enriched immensely.

These are some additional thoughts of my own:

#1 -
Being "impeccable with your word" also means to me to do what you say you're going to do. If I'm going to declare something, I'd better be serious and ready to do it, no matter what. When you go back on promises, especially to yourself, you're telling yourself that it's okay - maybe next time. The more you do that, the easier it is to continue repeating this behavior until you start to never see anything through to completion; you no longer take yourself seriously. I used to make the same exact New Years resolutions each and every year. I finally stopped making them because I knew how fickle they were. It's not that I no longer work on improving myself....it's just that I'd rather live in the present moment fully and make the best choices right then and there instead of planning and talking about what I intend to do in the future. Talking about it and planning it does nothing. The power to change is here and now.

I also like what this means in terms of not using your words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. I listened to a CD of Louise Hay's where she said she committed to stop gossiping and found that she no longer had anything to say. Isn't that the truth? It's so easy to gossip. It feeds the ego but in the end does damage to our spiritual nature. Without being aware of it, we tend to forget how much negativity and criticism escapes from our mouths each day. Another little book I like is by Stuart Wilde, "Silent Power". It's a quick read but very powerful. Silence sometimes speaks volumes. Trying to convince others of our point of view is always driven by the ego. Wilde admonishes us to control our need to talk. There's power in holding back in discussing our opinions or providing too much personal information. When you talk too much, you often don't take the time to think before you speak and more often don't truly listen to what the other person has said. Stephen Covey says "seek first to understand, then to be understood".

#2
"Don't take anything personally" is the golden key of great relationships! "What you think of me is none of my business" (Terry Cole-Whittaker). Wayne Dyer says you should "become independent of the good opinion of others". If we can interact with others without reading so much into what they do or say, we would be free of hurt feelings. I listened to Eckhart Tolle's sessions with Oprah and took notes. He said that when we react against a situation, it's as if we are a wall and these things hit against us and hurt us. Instead, imagine yourself transparent and that the irritating things pass right through you as you remain unharmed. He likened it to being a lake...the depth remains undisturbed even while the surface is affected by outer conditions such as the wind.

#3
"don't make assumptions" is so important in every area of life. What's the saying....to assume makes an a$$ out of u and me. Why is it sometimes so hard to ask questions? Is it because we're afraid to really know the answers? We get into more trouble by not asking. When we fail to get clarity, we often misinterpret the situation or what was said. So many disagreements and bad feelings are born simply from not being on the same page.

#4
"always doing your best" means to me that I will put forth the effort that I am capable of...no less, and no more. It's a delicate balance and requires introspection and truly knowing ourselves. I think it's part of human nature to want to do your best. I know for myself that it feels bad whenever I have a knowing that I undoubtedly could do better. But I also think that when you require yourself to put more effort in than you are capable of, you either fail or you feel resentful, or both. I always say that your best is more than good enough, because expecting more than that from yourself is not realistic and not necessary. Pushing ourselves to greater heights is important for growth, but so is knowing our own limitations and not feeling less of ourselves because we may not meet the higher expectations of others.

Like all worthwhile things, these four agreements take daily awareness and practice. I don't expect myself to be perfect at them, but as long as I continually remind myself of these agreements and follow them as best I can, I feel as though I will go a long way in progressing throughout the coming year.

I'm ready for a great new year.

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Enjoyed my Christmas in the City...looking forward to 2012

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

This year DH and I spent Christmas in New York City. It was the perfect thing to do this year. I'm sure we seem like grinches, or at the very least a bit odd. My husband and I don't do all the traditional things at Christmas....there is no tree, no lights, and very few decorations. We don't exchange gifts. This year, there was no shopping at all, no wrapping, no baked goods. We got married in December of 1990 and spent Christmas & New Years in Aruba. I loved swimming in the ocean on Christmas morning. I loved walking around in 80 degree weather and looking at the palm trees lined with lights. We have friends who are just the opposite of us. They get into every bit of the preparations and celebrations....lights inside the house as well as outside, not one but two big Christmas trees with lots of different ornaments....shopping for weeks and wrapping for hours...lots and lots of beautifully wrapped gifts under the tree....numerous assortments of cookies, fudge, and candies and special foods. They enjoy their hectic holiday the same way we enjoy our simple one...to each their own, I say.

We got up Christmas morning, packed up the car, dropped the dogs off at the kennel, and headed to the city. We were lucky the weather was great and the roads were dry. Being Christmas Day, the traffic was light - no tractor trailors!

We drove around the Battery Park area until we able to find a place to park...being a Sunday and a holiday, we at least found a free spot. We walked around and took in the sights and delighted in just watching other people. It's an awesome sight to see the Statue of Liberty, even at a distance.


This picture convinced me to get back to the business of reaching my goal weight in 2012. This is officially my before picture, 12-25-11:


It was very emotional to be at the site of the World Trade Centers and see the memorial. It brought me to tears.



Just before sunset, we drove over to our hotel, which was in the Meadowlands (Secacus, NJ). The sun setting over the city was a beautiful sight that can't be fully captured in a snapshot (taken from our hotel window).

There was only one restaurant open that night, but it was great. It was within walking distance and the night air was crisp but not too cold.

Monday morning after breakfast we took the bus into the city. It was surprisingly quiet and not too crowded in the morning. I think a lot of people enjoy the night life and get a late start to their day. DH and I are early morning people. We enjoyed walking around and stopping in some shops. Rockefeller Center is always fun to visit.

Times Square is a busy place all the time; I especially have no desire to be there on New Year's Eve!

We found a nice bench in front of Central Park and enjoyed more people watching. We decided to go on a carriage ride through the park.

Our driver was from Italy and we enjoyed talking with him.

We ate lunch at a cafe that had a great pasta bar...we enjoyed sitting by the window and doing more people watching as we ate. So many people...all different...what's their story? I love that there are so many people around on this planet. They may look different and act different, but we're all here just trying to be happy. It's interesting to strike up a conversation with a stranger. There are always lessons to be had from it if you really listen.

We did A LOT of walking....20,603 steps per my pedometer. I'm so happy the weather was good. We didn't have a jammed-packed itinerary and we mostly were spontaneous in what we did. I had no pre-conceived expectations. I took in everything I saw and appreciated every little thing....like the pigeons and sea gulls who landed right on DH's hand to get a piece of bread.


I laughed and enjoyed that more than if I went to a concert at Radio City Music Hall or a Broadway show. It's the simple things in life that give me the most joy.

I took notice of how peaceful and relaxed I felt at all times. I was staying in the moment, going with the flow, and feeling sublimely serene.

That's the way I want to live my life every day - spontanous, relaxed, peaceful, in the moment, in the flow, no expectations, no rigid plans or rules. I just know that if I always go with my innermost feelings and stay present, all things will fall into place and I will make the right choices in all areas of life.

In my younger days, I enjoyed going out on New Years Eve....usually drank a little too much..always stayed up until the wee hours of the morning...and spent New Years Day sleeping in, often waking with a headache and cotton mouth. Am I glad those days are behind me!

For the past several years, DH and I spend a quiet evening at home with a special dinner and a glass or two of champagne. We rarely stay up until midnight. I like waking up early on New Years Day, all bright-eyed and rested. I have to say I'm glad that the holidays are over and things are back to "normal". I like the feeling of a fresh start in a brand new year. On New Years Day I always have that feeling that good things are going to happen for the coming year....I feel a renewed commitment to making my life as good as it can be.

Again, that's how I want to live my life - alert, energetic and greeting each new day with enthusiasm and optimism.

However you like to greet the New Year, I hope you enjoy it fully. Live life with gusto and never with any regrets. Know that your best is always more than good enough. Appreciate all that's around you and you will find more and more to be grateful for. Love all the things in your life passionately; and all that love will come right back to you. Happy New Year, friends!

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