Sunday, July 03, 2011
I saw this pic in a Sparker's photo gallery and it really spoke to me. Sometimes it seems so hard to lose weight and even harder to maintain weight loss. But I believe that being overweight and feeling unhealthy tops it as far as being the very hardest.
I switched from an upward spiral last year during March-September to a downward spiral that began last October 1 to the present day. It baffles me how things can change so drastically on a dime. True, my sister's terminal cancer diagnosis last October is what started it. But I can't keep using that as an excuse. Life IS hard and I have to start learning how to deal with it without drugging myself with food. There's always going to be disappointments, tragedies, hardships. Life is a series of ups and downs and one must ride the waves without crashing and burning each time.
It was a slow process. First I started having trigger foods once in a while, then more often, then in larger quantities. Now I'm addicted again. When I started eating more, I stopped tracking my food. Even though I started out eating more I was still walking regularly 5 miles a day. Then I walked 5 miles maybe 4-5 times a week. Then it was twice a week. This morning I didn't feel like I could even do 5 miles so I walked 3 miles. All of my positive feelings and momentum went right out the window and I find myself thinking negatively. I am fearful about my health again. I am worried about clogged arteries and uncontrollable high blood pressure. My cholestrol was high last Feb. and yet I'm eating too much saturated fat and sugar every day.
I keep repeating patterns. In 2007 when I first discovered SparkPeople, I had lost 37 lbs. I gained it all back and struggled all throughout 2008 & 2009. I joined WW in March of 2010 and lost 40 lbs. I thought I had it solved. I thought NO WAY would I ever go backwards again. And now here I am, having gained back 21 lbs. and struggling again.
I have been feeling like a runaway train heading very close to derailment. I wish I knew the answer. I read my same story on so many SP blogs and WW blogs. If anyone out there does have an answer, I would love to know it. I won't give up, I can't give up. I guess that's the best I can do right now. I need to work on my attitude and become determined again. I once felt so committed to health and unstoppable. I can be again.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I woke up this morning at 6 am. Instead of rolling over and sleeping another hour, as I often do, I got out of bed and made the decision to go for a 5 mile walk. Great decision, because it was already 68 degrees and by the afternoon got extremely hot and humid.
But more than that, it set the tone for the entire day and started a chain reaction, a domino effect whereby one positive thing led to another. When I returned from my walk, I quenched my thirst with a tall glass of cold water with pure lemon juice. I’ve read that it’s the best thing you can do for yourself first thing in the morning is drink a large glass of water because your body is always a bit dehydrated at that time. The lemon juice makes your body more alkaline, which is good for health as well as weight loss.
I felt so good after that, I prepared a healthy breakfast – lots of veggies (garlic, onion, carrots, green & yellow peppers, mushrooms, tomatoes) in an egg white scramble tossed into a whole wheat wrap.
While I ate my breakfast, I went on SparkPeople and was reading blogs and pages. I came across numerous ones that uplifted and/or motivated me.
I read a blog written by TEMPEST272002 that totally blew me away! She has overcome so many challenges and confirmed to me that anything is possible if you think it is, even the most seemingly insurmountable goals. (see link at bottom to read blog)
Then I read this on SWAZY33’s page:
Whatever our hands touch---
We leave fingerprints!
On walls, on furniture,
On doorknobs, dishes, books,
As we touch we leave our identity.
Oh please where ever I go today,
Help me leave heartprints!
Heartprints of compassion
Of understanding and love.
Heartprints of kindness
and genuine concern.
It made such an impact on me to have a goal of leaving heartprints of love and kindness wherever I go.
Then I read a comment from CHRYS13 on one of my friend’s page:
“And finally, I want to acknowledge that making changes in your life is never an easy task. The key, however, is not to get caught up in the distance you have to go to get to where you want to be. Nor should you despair over the amount of control you have over your circumstances. Progress is made in the small, intentional steps, and chances are, you have more power than you think. By focusing on little steps you can take every day, the progress you make will motivate you to continue your journey, and eventually, you can go wherever you want to go. The important thing is simply to begin. ...Stephen Cherniske, M.S”
WOW! How powerful is that !!!!
All of these positive messages lifted me up and kept in motion my positive path. After finishing breakfast and reading, I went outside and did some yard work and mulching. Not only does that sort of work give me a sense of satisfaction after I’m done, it’s also great exercise. A goal of mine is to stay active and do less sitting (more often done at the computer or in front of the TV).
While I was outside working, I was listening to a Wayne Dyer CD titled “Making the Shift”. It was also exactly what I needed to hear. There were so many great insights—too many to even mention. But some that stuck into my mind was that instead of pushing outward (i.e., resisting against what we don’t want and struggling to achieve something), we must realize that the door swings inward. All we have to do is step back, go within, connect to our Source and our original nature...then everything we desire comes to us, we don’t have to go after it. We now have the guidance that wasn’t there before. As we ask for whatever is in our highest good, the answers come, the right people and situations show up, the right idea comes along, etc. He related it to losing weight and overcoming any addiction. He says if you correct your mind, everything else falls into place, and you correct your mind by NOT doing; keep your mind detached, quiet your emotions and abide in serenity. He talks about Patty Davis, who overcame her cocaine addiction. She at first tried not to disappoint herself, then not disappoint her father (Ronald Reagan) or her mother. She overcame her addiction once she got to a place of not wanting to disappoint God and her highest self. When you re-align with your original God-like nature, you correct your mind. When you correct your mind, the temptation is gone because you are now in a place of well-being where all things are possible.
This CD is so excellent, I must listen to it again tomorrow.
My main epiphany today is that each positive thought creates a positive action, which stimulates more positive thoughts and more positive actions. As the hours turn into days and into weeks and months, the results are positive changes that occur without conscious effort. It all just flows and you enjoy each moment along the way. What a wonderful way to live!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
I first noticed I was overweight at age 14. That summer I decided I wanted to lose weight and look like all the other girls in my class; plus I had a major crush on the boy down the street and thought if I were slim he'd start to notice me. I started cutting my portions on my own (which made my mother very upset) and I'd spend hours in my room doing calestentics and dancing fast to music on my record player. I even would walk up and down the cellar steps ump-teen times. That summer I went from 150 lbs. to 130 lbs. I still wasn't the 110 or less lbs. my other classmates were, but I felt great. However, Johnny still didn't know I was alive and by mid-school year I was now 155 bs.
Looking back, that was my demise and started a wheel in motion that resulted in 40+ years of dieting/binging, losing/gaining it all back plus some more. I firmly believe that dieting has caused me to become fatter and fatter and most importantly, chipped away at my self esteem.
I'm sure I've been on just about every diet imaginable throughout the years. I've been a member of Weight Watchers at least 8 different times that I can remember. I always lost weight following the program; I also always gained it back in a year or less. I joined The Diet Workshop in the early 80's which was my most successful, going from 223 lbs. to 160 lbs. I kept it off the longest, but still managed to start gaining it back in a couple of years. Then there was the Diet Center, a very strict diet that got me from 195 to 165 in 6 weeks. Just in time to be a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding. I was back to 180 in just a few short months. I was almost 190 when I got engaged and managed to starve myself down to 177 for my wedding day. I gained back almost 10 lbs. during my 3-week honeymoon in Aruba.
My next major diet was Jenny Craig in the mid 1990's. I went from 223 lbs. to 165 on that one. (Hmmmm, I see a pattern: 223 was always my red light weight and I never went over that....and 160-165 was always my lowest weight. My goal was always 140-145, but I never got there. I'd feel pretty smug in the 160's and got sloppy, which preceeded a slow but steady gain.)
I tried hypnosis numerous times. Once one-on-one, which was totally ineffective. Then several different tapes. One program cost $129 - that must surely work! Thankfully, it had a money-back guarantee. When I sent it back and explained why, the hypnotist told me that NO program will work and I'll ALWAYS have this problem if I don't get to the root of my limiting beliefs.
In between all those diet programs were crazy diets I followed from books and articles I've read. Too many to even talk about. Remember those little square "candies" that were supposed to control your appetite? Richard Simmons, Susan Powter, Jane Fonda, oh my! I even tried acupuncture in year 2000, which was extremely expensive and I didn't lose an ounce with that. I've probably spent thousands of dollars on weight loss programs, gym memberships, exercise equipment, books, magazines, videos, and the like. Boy, would I LOVE to have all that money back now!
All of these methods were my frogs. To look on the positive side, I know a lot of things that DON'T work, so that gets me closer to what does. And the thing I've learned the most from all of it is that, like Dorothy, I can't go looking outside my back yard for the answers. The most important lesson is that we are all individuals. Our bodies and minds tells us everything we need to know if we'll just stop the noise and listen within.
I've been "trying" to be a vegetarian in the past few years. Just like many diets of the past, I haven't been successful. I know that it's healthy and how I SHOULD eat. I've been beating myself up for being so weak. I just started reading a book titled the "Flexitarian Diet" which is a healthy compromise. It's all about what you add (more plant-based food), not what you take away (total elimination of animal products). It removes some of the "striving for perfection" that I sometimes fall into with "diets" and seems to resonate with me for the time being.
The bottom line is: Who can tell you what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, etc. better than your own body and your own inner voice? If it feels right and is flowing easily and naturally, you're on the right track. If you feel miserable, guilty, and self-punishing then you need to cease and desist--blame the method, not yourself, and switch gears for heaven's sake! Certainly don't keep trying the same thing (or slightly modified version of the same thing) over and over, expecting a different result (the definition of insanity).
Listen up....... it's gently whispering exactly what you ned to do but goes unheard amidst all the other mind chatter. Sit in silence and let the still, small voice guide you gently and most effectively to the best YOU that you can be.
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
I was down and out....sinking low....things that worked before no longer worked.
Today, I have a bright new attitude and new strategies. Sometimes a new plan is needed to rekindle a fire.
One thing I know for sure while on this good health and weightloss journey is this: IT'S ALL MENTAL...not even 99% like I used to say; it's 100% your thoughts and attitudes.
I believe there is no one perfect eating and exercise strategy. The one that works is the one you DO. If it looks good on paper but you can't follow it, then it's not for you. And that doesn't mean you're a failure...it just means you can scratch that one off and try another method until you hit the one that fits with YOU....your individual personality, likes and dislikes, strengths, etc. It's so individual and the only one who can guide you is YOU = your inner self that KNOWS everything and WANTS to help you become YOUR best self.
And the most important thing to remember: IT'S ALL MENTAL.
If your MIND lines up with your DESIRES, there's NO STOPPING YOU. That I've learned repeatedly. As soon as my mind starts to drift into the negative, there goes all my motivation and unwaivering commitment. It's my mind I need to nurture first - the rest will fall into place once I'm IN THE ZONE.
So that's it. I have a plan. I'm not going to share it because it really doesn't matter. All that matters is that I stick to it. Today I want it....I have to feed my mind with positive thoughts and images to continue to want it tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.....
Monday, June 06, 2011
Friends, it's seemed almost impossible to even think about dropping weight these past several months. It's a rollercoaster of events and emotions with my sister's illness and the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life (and I've had some tough stuff throughout the years).
I've thought about quitting Weight Watchers SO many times. I've been steadily gaining instead of losing. I start to track on Monday morning and it all goes badly by Tuesday and I stop tracking. I think about the fact that I'm throwing away money because I'm gaining regularly instead of losing. I doubt myself that I'll ever be able to conquer these seemingly insurmountable obstacles.
I haven't been out walking in many weeks. That used to be my strength - the fact that I loved walking and never missed my 5 mile walk. First it was the weather...snow &ice - then too cold - then too rainy - then not enough time because I was driving to the hospital an hr. away every day....excuses, excuses, excuses!
Here it is Monday. I haven't been to a meeting in 3 weeks because last week was Memorial Day and the Monday before that my sister was in ICU fighting for her life. I haven't been on a scale at all in 3 weeks and I have to tell you I am terrified.
It's Monday morning and I've tracked my breakfast. I'm headed out to the hospital and will do my best to choose healthy for lunch in the cafeteria (or plan to use extra pts. because in all honesty, I do tend to eat comfort food when I'm at the hospital and haven't been able to overcome that - yet.)
One thing I keep telling myself is that I can't suffer and sacrifice enough to end my sister's suffering. I can't feel guilty about feeling good just because she's hurting. I can't take this burden from her, and I mustn't absorb it all into myself. It's her journey and in order to support her best, I have to become the observer who helps in whatever way I can. It doesn't mean I love her any less just because I decide to not fall apart. It's the only way I'll survive this unscathed. I have no control over where her path leads, but I do have control over my own direction. It takes so much more strength to remain detached than to allow my emotions to overtake me and send me reeling into a dark abyss.
I'll make sure I head for home from the hospital in plenty of time to get to my meeting. I'll take a deep breath and get on the scale. I won't let myself get wrapped up in the number. I will gather strength from my friends at the meeting. I will renew my commitment to track every single day no matter what - even if I go over - baby steps. I will commit to walk every day even if it's 2 miles instead of 5 - get back into the habit. I won't think about the pounds that I put back on; I'll appreciate the pounds I still have lost. I'll go back to taking it one day at a time and focus on 10 lbs. at a time, like I did when I was 215.
I will not quit. I've been on Pause and it's time to push Play.
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