Sunday, February 13, 2011
I found this online...it's a poem used in Alanon. It was exactly what I needed to read and thought I would share.
Just for today: I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle all my problems at once.
I can do something for twelve hours that
would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today: I will be happy. This
assume to be true what Abraham Lincoln said,
*Most folks are as happy as they make up their
minds to be.*
Just for today: I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will
Take my *luck* as it comes, and fit myself into it
Just for today:I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study.
I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires effort.
Thought and concentration.
Just for today: I will exercise my soul
in three ways: it will do somebody a good turn
and not get found out; if anybody know of it, it
will not count. I will do at least two things I
don't want to do-- just for exercise. I will
not show anyone that my feelings are hurt: they may
be hurt but today I will not show it.
Just for today: I will be agreeable. I will
look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice
low,be courteous,criticize not one bit. I won't find
fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate
anybody else but myself.
Just for today: I will have a program.
I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests: Hurry and Indecision.
Just for today: I will have a quiet half
hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour,
sometime I will try to get a better perspective of
Just for today: I will be un-afraid.
Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what
is beautiful,and to believe that as I give to the
world, so the world will give back to me.
Friday, February 11, 2011
I feel so supported by you all! Words can't express how thankful I am for all your comments, thoughts and prayers.
Last week my sister Janet had her first scan since she started chemo. After all she's been through with many side effects, the treatment did not work. The tumor in her pancreas did not shrink. The cancer has now spread to her lungs and has gone deeper into her liver. She called me with the news last Wednesday night and I have had a hard time coping with the reality that her time with us is slipping away. I feel helpless and frustrated and downright angry.
Oh, but not Janet. She is so amazing and it's nothing short of a blessing and grace from God that she has been able to deal with all of it with such peace and faith. Even while she was telling me this news, she was very matter of fact. I know it's not an act to spare me. I know it's not denial. She has always had the ability to do what I call compartmentalizing. It's a coping mechanism she's had all her life. If something is bothering her and too painful to think about, she just puts it in a compartment in her mind and locks the door. It's her way of letting go. She does this for anything that it beyond her control because she knows that dwelling on it won't help one bit and in fact is detrimental to the situation.
Here I was angry that the treatment did nothing. She has no regrets in choosing chemo. Her response was, "You have to at least try, and who knows if the cancer would have spread even more without it."
I spent yesterday with Janet and her sweet spirit and positive attitude was contagious. She told me that she just chooses to live in the moment and have the best days she can for the time she has left. And she really means it. She doesn't want me to be sad. She doesn't want to waste one minute of time by feeling bad. We spent the time chatting about all sorts of pleasant things, and things she needed to get off her chest about people, places and things in general.
When I left, I was no longer despondent. She was teaching me how to let go and choose peace. For the day, I had totally forgotten that cancer is overtaking her body. For the day it was just like old times and we were having a perfectly wonderful day.
I only have to assume that she's going to have some rough days ahead. But I can't jump there in my mind because what's the use of that? I need to do as she is doing and stay present, appreciating the good times while they're here.
My sister is my hero. She's the one lifting me up and showing me how to face mortality. It's a journey all of us will face one day. I only hope I can do it with such grace as she.
I've been feeding my emotions with food ever since I heard the news of her illness last October. Eating for comfort is a familiar coping mechanism of mine. It's a drug that soothes and numbs me, but afterwards leaves me feeling disappointed in myself and empty, frustrated and depressed. I notice that every week after I've spent the day with her I will come home and binge. Last night was no exception. I realize that it's a totally unconscious thing and a knee jerk reflex. The only way to stop it is to become conscious. I'm working on that. I know in my mind that food doesn't help me or the situation. I am aware that I feel better when I am in control of my eating. The only reason I turn to food is that I'm seeking comfort, or even a diversion from my sadness. I hope that by letting go and staying present, I can regain my balance and treat myself well by eating mostly healthy foods, and in moderation.
So today I decide to stop feeding my emotions with food. Instead, I will nurture them with love.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I noticed something today - a lightbulb aha moment if you will: you can always tell when I'm struggling by how often I blog. I look back on earlier blogs and when I'm having trouble committing, I blog often about what I intend to do, of the benefits of doing what I want to do, and sometimes of the difficulty of doing what I want to do. All the while, I'm not really doing it.
I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing for some people. It's good to plan and good to get it off your chest when it's rough. But last year when I stopped talking about it and just did it, I was successful and that made me happy. Sometimes it's a procrastinating tactic for me to spend too much time reading others' blogs and writing my own. I'm on the computer when I should be doing something active - housework, walking, anything but sitting. In my attempt to get motivated, collect useful information, and plot and plan my strategy, all I'm doing is delaying the action part.
So, less talking and more doing! That's a promise I've made to myself and I hope to report great progress in the not-too-distant future. I'll keep updating my feed with how I'm doing and how my sister is doing.
I'll be back!
Love you all !!!
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