Monday, March 26, 2007
The scale didnít budge this week, but after the week I just had, I was happy this morning to not see a gain. It seems as though Iím having some resistance to getting started. There must be pay-offs for staying heavy and eating with abandon, or I wouldnít be doing it. I donít want to dwell on those, because whatever they are, theyíre not as important as the reasons I want to lose weight.
So just WHY do I want to lose weight?
The most obvious reason is for better health. The risks for ailments and diseases for overweight people goes on and on: heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol , arthritis, some types of cancer, and premature death. Iím taking medication for high blood pressure and I would love to be able to maintain a healthy BP without having to take a drug. My mother had open heart surgery when she was 70, and I donít ever want to go through that. Being lighter means thereís not all that stress on the joints that cause people in older years to have to get hip replacements, knee replacements, etc. Being overweight decreases the quality of lifeÖitís harder to just get around.
Whatís the EMOTION behind wanting better health? Itís getting up every single morning looking forward to the day. Itís not just the absence of aches and pains, itís a feeling of well-being that follows me throughout my day. Itís having the energy to be able to go for a walk, get the housecleaning done, weed and care for my gardens, wash the car, do extra strength training, go and have fun with my husband, be playful with the grandchildren. Itís living a vibrant life, full of vitality and joy. Itís doing what I want to do and having plenty of energy to do it. Itís feeling happy, peaceful and content every day, knowing that Iím taking good care of this body that houses my spirit and living the life as I choose to live with no limitations!
The second obvious reason is that I want to look good. I want to fit into a size 10 and have it feel comfortable. No more dumpy, frumpy, baggy clothes. I want to be able to wear attractive clothes instead of looking for something that will hide all the bulges. I want my face to be slim, not puffy. I want to get rid of my jowels and double chin. I want a firm, flat stomachÖ.and a waistline. A nice, cute butt too!
Whatís the EMOTION behind wanting to look good? Heck, I want to be thrilled when I look in the mirror: ďWho is that gorgeous woman???Ē Itís going shopping and having everything look so fantastic that itís hard to choose (and all the bargains are on the smaller sizes!) Itís getting to my goal of 140, maintaining it for 6 months, and rewarding myself by buying an entire new wardrobe! Now thatís exciting!!! Itís wearing a cute, trendy haircut that frames a beautiful, youthful looking face, with a sculpted chin and firm neck. Looking in the mirror at the beauty parlor and liking what I see. Itís walking with grace and strength. I want to be that woman in the commercial whoís walking down the street with her ipod and all heads are turning to look at that gorgeous and fit creature!!!!! Itís having other women looking at ME with envy instead of the other way around. Itís feeling comfortable in my clothesÖcomfortable in my own skin. Yes, this is me, not some distorted me covered in layers of fat.
The not-so-obvious reason is how I want to feel emotionally. I do not want to live a life obsessed with food and how much I weigh. I donít want to feel anxiety over any upcoming social event that involves food (which is all of them!) and worry about having Ďself controlí. I donít want to feel self conscious in social settings (are they labeling me because Iím fat? Will they not like me because they think I'm lazy and undisciplined?). I donít want to be unassertive and hide in the background. I donít want to feel guilty when I eat something I donít think I Ďshouldí have. I want to stop should-ing on myself period.
Whatís the true EMOTION behind feeling good emotionally? Itís feeling confident and self-assured at all times, in any situation. Itís feeling happy and content with me. Itís letting my inner spirit shine through and nurturing and caring for my body. Itís letting go of self-criticism and feeling proud of my accomplishments and strength of purpose to reach the goals I have set, both physically and emotionally. Itís loving myself unconditionally and having a resiliency to bounce back quickly when I stumble or temporarily lose my way. Itís releasing guilt or worry completely. Itís having the emotional drive to propel me to do whatís best for me because I know I deserve whatís best for me.
Itís finally getting to goal and maintenance and LIVING as a thin person. Itís showing on the outside how magnificent I am on the inside.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
I've had a bit of a rough week. We all have them, and this week's my turn. Maybe I can blame the weather. (it was too cold to walk outside, and now it's warming up, but wet and muddy) Maybe it's hormones, PMS or peri-menopause. But all I know is that it's been tough to stick to my food plan and I've been fighting a bit of depression. I started meditating again this week after having gotten away from it for over a year; maybe that's bringing up a lot of inner turmoil. I've been feeling ultra sensitive and weepy. I've felt unappreciated and vulnerable. I've wanted to eat cookies. It's very difficult for me to stay away from that stuff when I'm sad. I ate the cookies and then I felt like a failure. That only made me want to eat more.
When I was growing up, my mother had a hard time expressing her love verbally and physically. She overcame that and was extremely loving in her older years. She overcame a lot. She used to be shy and unassertive. In her 70's she was pretty fiesty and finally coming into her own. She moved down south when she was 70 and I didn't get to see a lot of of her. She died when she was 73. I miss her so much. I don't remember too many hugs or being able to talk to her about my troubles when I was younger. She showed us love with her love of cooking and baking. There was always fudge, cookies, eclairs, homemade donuts, etc. etc. The more we ate it, the better she felt. It was the one thing she could do to make her family happy. It's hard for me to believe now that breakfast as a kid was a package of cupcakes and a glass of chocolate milk...honestly !!! My mother also struggled with depression throughout her life, and I'm definintely my mother's daughter. Wow! I guess my melancholy week is causing me to walk down memory lane.
I'm not blaming my mother for all my weight issues. That was then and I'm an adult now and take full responsibility for how I handle emotions through food. It's something I intend to change. But it's sometimes two steps forward, one step back. I know all of the things I need to do, including things to change my mind and focus to those things I want. I'm usually upbeat and positive. But once in a while, I trip and fall. I guess what counts is how many times I get back up and move forward. It's progress, not perfection. I'm working on eradicating all or nothing thinking. It's been like I'm either doing everything perfectly, being happy and positive, eating all the right things, exercising daily, and losing weight, OR I'm feeling sad, eating the wrong things, not exercising at all, feeling guilty and anxious.
When I was a toddler, I was at a perfect weight. I have pictures of me then, and I look at this sweet little child and ask myself, "Where did she go? Is she still inside me, hidden away?" Something happened when I was about 10 and I just blew up. We moved a lot, and I was constantly teased by the boys. I had no friends to speak of...the girls giggled behind my back and I never got invited to sleepovers. I never dated...didn't go to the prom. I wouldn't dare tell my mother about my angst. She would only get upset. She didn't know how to comfort me. I had no one to talk to. No one to build up my self esteem. Even my own dad called me "Crisco--fat in the can". I began my first diet when I was 14 years old and weighed 155. From that point, my weight yo-yo'd up and down and up and down throughout my life. I remember one job interview when the manager said to me, "I see that you're overweight. I view overweight people as being lazy, and I would never want someone lazy to work in my department." Instead of getting angry and telling him what an ignorant jerk he was, that night I went home and cried while having a binge.
Yes, I guess I have a lot of deep scars from a pretty lousy first half of my life. But my life now is so wonderful. I am retired with no debt, have a beautiful home, and husband who is good to me, and so much to be thankful for. That's what I generally focus on now. I'm hoping that the meditating will help me to overcome those old wounds that still rear their ugliness every now and again.
I'm confident I will snap out of this and I almost didn't make this entry public because I was ashamed of the way I was feeling. But I'm sure others have felt this way before and dealt with it with food too. I'm only human and I have to be honest with myself. Putting it all down in writing is actually freeing. In one of the posts on my secret team, someone talked about an old TV show, 'Greg and Dharma' , where Dharma would say to "put your troubles in a bubble and blow them all away." I love that ! By expressing all these feelings on 'paper', it's like I can now put them in a bubble and off they go!!!!!
I feel better already. Tomorrow's gonna be a good day.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
I have to be honest and say that not losing anything last Thursday threw me off. I know that the scale is not the all important measure. But even half a pound would have been nice! Like a rebellious teen, I didn't exercise at all on Friday. It wasn't conscious. Exercise is the ONE thing I do right! I love to walk and I never miss a day. Was I just too bummed out over no progress? Or was I just going to show them! Show Who?
Whatever it was, I recommitted last night just before I went to bed. I had a little talk with myself and reminded me that this is my new lifestyle no matter what. I'm walking towards good health and inner well-being. Today has been a great day. I can't believe I've eaten dinner and am only just over 1200 calories when I had been struggling and went over my 1630 calorie budget almost every day the last two weeks. Of course, I do believe I will have a little snack tonight, but am positive that I'll stay below my maximum calories. And I'm on my 8th glass of water when I had been averaging only 4-6 per day. I did a great workout too. We got a slight blizzard yesterday, so I can't go outdoors to walk. But I did Leslie Sansone's 4 fast miles...you do 4 miles in only 45 minutes, so part of the time you're actually at a jog. Also, for dinner I cooked a healthy and delicious recipe I found here on the site. It's called Butter Chicken and it tasted really good. Dan actually helped me make it...of course, you know what they say about two cooks in the kitchen!
I felt so positive and renewed all day long. But then tonight Dan announced to me that we're going to a pancake breakfast tomorrow with our friends Doug & Kathy. I know we'll have a great time, but the first thing that came to my mind is , "Oh no! I JUST got back on track and how in the heck am I supposed to stay within my calorie budget after pancakes and all the fixins!!!!! The thing is, life happens and one of the things I have got to learn on this journey toward life-long thinness is that social events, holidays, and the like do not have to mean I throw my arms up and then throw in the towel. I can have the pancake breakfast without guilt and maybe just have a little salad for lunch. I can do this!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Today is weigh-in. I got up this morning and felt pretty good...stepped on the scale...WHAT!!!!! I weighed the same as last week! I have to say I was hugely disappointed. I thought I'd done pretty well. I knew I had eaten a lot less than I used to. It's only been two weeks...shouldn't I be losing at least something every week????? I have to say it put a real damper on my mood. I have one of those Tanita scales that measures body fat and that went from 48% last week to 46.5%. I'm not sure how accurate those are, but that must mean something!
All I know is that I have made positive changes. I eat healthier, I log in my food tracker every single morsel (I have to admit it's been nearly impossible for me to stay below 1630 calorie goal, but I did get it to 1634 yesterday), and I FEEL thinner. I don't snack binge like I used to. I did my cardio every single day, but I did skip my strength workout. Heck, I went walking yesterday in the pouring rain!
I refuse to become a slave to the scale. This is a ONE-WAY journey. I've gone the route of losing so many times before, only to end up gaining it back and then some. I will continue on and focus on living my healthy lifestyle and feeling good. I think it's going to be a progression. There's no hurry or urgency to get to my final destination....just the success of moving forward and no turning back. By choosing foods that nourish, eating more fresh vegetables, high fiber grains, two fruits a day, and a small amount of healthy fat, there's no doubt that I will lose pounds. But I'll also gain good habits and lifelong good health.
It's a brand new week and I'm giving it my all. I've done well, but I can do even better.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
It's been one week since I started SP on March 1. Actually, I didn't seriously start until Saturday, March 3.
Today was my first weigh-in and I lost 2 lbs. I was very proud of that. Awareness has been key for me. Now that I know how many calories I'm eating, I figure I had to have eaten about 2500-3000 calories a day when I wasn't watching. Darn, it's sometimes hard to stay within my calorie limit! And even when I'm choosing all healthy foods. But I have to pat myself on the back that a couple of days this week I had ZERO snacks and desserts. That's a major milestone for a sugar addict like me....uh, I mean FORMER sugar addict. I now define myself as a person who enjoys healthy foods in moderation. I'm not so much hung up on the calories as the quality of foods. I've cut out white flour and pasta, trans fats, preservatives, and a good majority of packaged foods. I now make my own salad dressings and even granola. I'd like to completely eliminate sugar someday, but I'm happy right now that I've reduced my consumption greatly.
Even greater than the weight loss is the transformation in my thinking and emotions. Everything is pulling together. I'm doing positive things in every area of my life each day. I feel confident and optimistic.
One week, one day, one meal at a time.
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