Saturday, October 10, 2009
This morning I was feeling low, scared, disappointed. That just about sums up the way I've felt off and on for a very long time!
I'm currently scared for my health. Imaginary or not, I'm feeling like I'm headed down a slippery slope to something very unpleasant if I don't stop what I'm doing.
It's like I had given up but wouldn't admit it to myself. I wasn't just not measuring and logging my food for the past um-teen months - I was binging on high fat/high sugar foods with no regard to what it's doing to me inside. The quantity I've been eating has been high and the quality extremely low.
I woke up this morning not feeling well. Nothing I could put my finger on. Just a sense of unwellness, lack of vitality. It scared me to think what the future holds if I continue on this way.
I'm disappointed with my inability to stop this. I know I'm stronger than that.
All I can do now is do everything possible to turn this negative energy around into something positive.
I started this morning with a healthy breakfast--fat free yogurt, 1/2 cup blueberries, 1/4 cup low fat Kashi granola, green tea (unsweetened). I'll take it one meal at a time and one moment at a time.
Maybe today is that deciding day where I end the madness. A while ago I listened to a Wayne Dyer tape where he says that one day he just decided to stop drinking. And he stopped. No build up, no big discussion, no internal struggle. Just decided and never took a drink again. That's what's been missing for me. The decision. I don't need to search for motivation. Just decide today to completely stop eating foods that are hurting me.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I was feeling a bit discouraged today. My friend and diet coach reminded me that "extra calories won't hurt us, but stinking thinking will". That was exactly what I needed to hear. Because 95% of it is what's going on in our heads. It's the thoughts we have about ourselves.
It reminded me of back when I was successful at dropping weight every single week. First I had decided I really wanted it, then I decided I deserved it. After that, I kept visualizing and affirming it until I believed I could do it, BE it, without any question or doubt. That is what made me act in ways that brought it into reality. Before I knew it, I was trying on smaller clothes, looking in a full length mirror with pride, and overflowing with self confidence and joy.
It all starts in the mind. The rest then becomes as easy and natural as breathing.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Life is a tightrope, a balance of will,
you make it across with agility and skill.
Too far to one side will cause us to fall.
Too uptight and straight and we'll not move at all.
Feeling our way, little steps at a time,
maintain your balance and your life will be fine.
Balance and moderation...two words that go together in harmony. When I find that one area of my life is out of balance, it affects all areas of life. There needs to be equal time between work, rest, and play. If we practice moderation in all things, we are able to balance.
I am very good at making time for exercise because I'm one of those odd people who enjoy it during as well as afterwards. I was doing a 5 mile walk every day which took about an hour and 15 minutes, after which I was dripping in sweat and feeling fantastic. In addition to that, I did a 50-minute T-Tapp toning workout 4-5 times a week. The problem with doing so much was that it took away some of my energy and focus from my eating habits. Burning that many calories and increasing my metabolism sort of gave me permission to eat a little more, indulge in temptations more often, and not pay enough attention to what I was putting in my mouth nutritionally. As a result, I was not making good progress, despite all of that exercise.
So in the quest for balance and moderation, I have scaled back my exercise. On the T-Tapp web site, the recommendation is to do it every other day...less is actually more. By giving yourself a day off in between, you can hold the form even better and get greater results. They also recommend taking one day completely off. I've been tweaking my routine over the past several days and now have come up with a commitment to do my 50 min. T-Tapp every other day, and a 45-minute 3-mile walk every other day, with one day a week off. That tips the balance scale evenly to allow me to spend the time I need on other things. And gives me enough energy left over to put into attending to my eating style.
If you eat too much or even eat too less, you are also out of balance and not exercising moderation in all things.
Balance in eating for me is 3 meals that contain moderate amounts of lean protein, healthy carbs, and healthy fats. A meal eaten slowly enough to enjoy and one that satisfies the taste buds as well as my nutritional needs. Now there's a balance....too often we have forced ourselves to eat untasty food just because "it's good for us". And all too often we have overindulged in delightful tasty food because one taste led to a binge. My food HAS to taste good or I won't eat it. There are plenty of healthy foods that I enjoy the taste of, I don't have to force down anything that is unpleasant to me. And by allowing a decadent dessert at an appropriate time...for me it will be ONLY on Saturday or Sunday...I hope to stick to fruit for an inbetween meal treat. Grazing doesn't work for me and puts me out of balance. Giving myself at least 4 hours of non-eating allows my body to completely assimilate and digest plus give it a rest from digesting in order to rebuild, repair, and sustain itself.
To go along with my balance theme, I am working to limit my computer time...something I continually have to be aware of and work at because I enjoy internet surfing, emailing friends, instant messaging with my sister, etc. to the extreme. When I spend too many hours on the computer, I don't get my housework done and I feel dissappointed and out of balance. I've done a great job in cutting down my TV viewing. Because I now only watch shows that are either uplifting or wildly entertaining, that narrows the field substantially!
Balancing my day between getting the proper but moderate amount of sleep, a moderate time for work (housecleaning, yard work, etc.) and a moderate time for play/entertainment, is what will make me feel peaceful, fulfilled and satisfied.
Balancing equals: A) enough exercise for fitness and increased metabolism without going overboard and B) balancing my meals to provide nourishment and pleasure without feeling overfull or overhungry and deprived. A + B = a life plan that will not only be easy to sustain throughout the coming years, but will also lead to success in achieving a healthy, moderate weight for my body. A moderate weight that is achievable and easy to maintain. I no longer have a fantasy goal of 140-145 pounds. My goal is being a well-toned 160-165 pounds, which I know I will feel ecstatic about achieving and certain I can maintain by continuing this way of eating and activity for life.
Yes, balance and moderation are the keys to life.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Summerís over. My vacation from concerning myself with my weight and food portions/food quality has cost me dearly. Iíve found that left to my own devices I am not strong enough to do the right thing. Although Iíve continued to walk every day, my food choices were not good and portions were not controlled.
Fall is in the air, at least here in Upstate NY. The nights and early mornings are getting cool. Itís a cozy time of yearÖI enjoy wrapping up in a down throw on the couch at night to watch some of the new TV shows. It wonít be long before we have our first frost and autumn leaves. Walking outside will be even more enjoyable with the beautiful multi-colored leaves on the trees and the smell of those that have fallen to the ground. Itís a time when I love to burn cinnamon, apple, and pumpkin spice candles. Fresh sweet apples are plentiful and our pumpkins and butternut & acorn squashes are ready to harvest. The grandkids are back in school and we enjoy going to their football games on the weekends. The air is crisp and thereís a whole different feeling all around. Iíd like to think of it as another time for renewal because thatís just what I need right now.
I really think that in order for me to be successful I have to track my calories. I haven't consistently done that since before Christmas, and see where it's got me! I was reading a very good little paperback book titled "The No-Beach No-Zone No-Nonsense Weight-Loss Plan" by Jim Johnson. He says that no matter what the diet plan, all plans have one thing in common and that's the fact that they reduce calorie intake. Pick any of them, and their method always results in reducing the number of calories consumed daily or in the case of calorie cycling, the over all weekly total. The only secret to weight loss is to consume less calories than our body needs in order to take from our fat stores. It's pure science and there's no magic to it. He also said another thing that rang true, and that is the fact that over time, it gets easier and easier to count calories because we tend to eat many of the same things over and over. My resistance to tracking calories is just an excuse. With being able to store many foods in my favorites and group foods together for meal plans, SparkPeople makes it so easy! I have to ask myself why I'm so resistant to doing it. I don't remember minding it at all in the beginning. In fact, I rather enjoyed doing it because I knew that as long as I stayed within my range I would receive the pleasure of getting on the scale and seeing my weight steadily decrease over the weeks. That was my pay-off for doing it. In contrast, my pay-off for not doing it is that I can be oblivious to how bad my eating habits really are. In truth, I want to eat certain things and not have to limit myself. I want to stick my head in the sand and keep overeating while pretending that it doesnít matter. Itís easier to kid myself into thinking Iím not doing THAT bad. Itís hard to face up to the truth and do something about it. Making changes is always hard but staying the same is usually even harder.
Itís true that I donít want to count calories for the rest of my life and I deeply resent the fact that I canít just eat normally and in moderation. But I think itís going to take several years of counting and actually meeting my goal weight and maintaining it for several years to have established my habits enough to let up on keeping tight control on my intake. I read somewhere that you havenít really lost the weight unless youíve kept it off for at least 3 years. With that statement, I can tell you that Iíve never lost weight. I need to face that fact and realize that this is it for the long haul. Why lose it if itís not forever? And just because itís what I have to do for the duration, that doesnít mean it has to be hard or a ball and chain around my ankle. Itís just what is. It has to become a part of my daily routine. It can and does become enjoyable over time. I have to care enough about myself to do whatever it takes. How many times do I have to stray and start over to get that being consistent every day, every month and every year is paramount to my success and happiness? Itís so easy to spiral back out of control when you have a love and addiction to sugar and fat-laden foods. But it takes so much energy to get back up each time when you fall. Itís good to keep getting up, but how about not falling so much? How about using the power of momentum to keep going and going like that energizer bunny? Non-stop and heading straight for my goal. How about stopping to think first before acting and choosing the thing that will bring about the best feelings? Becoming slim and healthy and energetic feels good. Keeping track of food intake and calorie expenditure is something that will guarantee the results I want.
I have to admit that itís going to take a lot for me to get back to basics. But once I do commit, Iíve decided that there will be no looking back and no half-hearted attempts. Iím going to draw up a contract with myself on what actions I intend to take towards my goal. And once I sign on the dotted line, thatís it! I will keep my word and not let myself down. I will agree to take my time but always do those things that will bring success and happiness back into my life. All I have to do is take one day at a time, one choice at a time, staying always in the present and aware of my actions.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
This has been one heck of a winter. Not so much in terms of snowfall, but constant ice. My back deck, the side stairs, the driveway, everything have been covered in a glaze of ice off and on for months. The picture is looking out my kitchen window. It's so gray, damp, dismal and gloomy today, it matches my mood.
Two weeks ago on a Tuesday night, DH and I went to a driver safety class to get a 10% reduction in our car insurance. I sat next to this girl who was coughing and sneezing. The thought crossed my mind that I sure wish I don't catch what she has. Maybe that was a self-fulfilling prophecy because the following week (last Monday), sure enough, my throat was sore and I felt a lot of mucous in my chest. I stayed in bed all day Monday and felt better on Tuesday, so I went to the second and final driver safety class. That girl was there and sounded even worse...coughing and barely had a voice. I stayed away from her the best I could, but apparently it wasn't enough. I awoke at 5 am the next morning with so much gunk in my chest that I was choking on it and I couldn't breathe! My throat and my chest were on fire. I spent Wednesday with my head over a pot of steaming water trying to break up some of the phelm so I could cough it up. And gargling with warm salt water because when I swallowed it felt like there were hundreds of pins sticking in my throat. I was in misery! I was glad that I already had a doctor appointment scheduled for Thursday to get my BP checked and prescription renewed. What I have is a viral infection and it just has to run its course. Just old fashioned, rest and lots of water. By Thursday I was constantly blowing my nose which became raw and had a constant nasal drip that I feared would keep collecting into my chest. The thing is, for the entire 3 years I've been retired I haven't been sick one day. I think part of the reason is that I don't come in contact with as many people as I did when I worked. I don't know why sick people can't just stay home and take care of themselves instead of going out in public and spreading all their germs! Yesterday I took a Coricidin pill and it just made me feel like a zombie and caused me to sleep the entire day. I had developed these cancer sores all over the roof of my mouth that makes it difficult to eat anything harder than a piece of bread. Today I can at least breathe through my nose, but I still have this wheezy cough when I try to breathe from my mouth. My chest still feels a bit irritated, but the mucous isn't rattling around in there quite as bad. So it'll be another day of just staying on the couch with a blanket. Hard to feel upbeat and positive when you're not feeling well.
Today it's been raining all day. Looking outside at all the ice and the grayness while feeling this lousy makes me feel so depressed. It's actually been horrible the last 4 months! I started feeling down in the dumps off and on last November and throughout the holidays. I got it together briefly after January 1, but that didn't last long. I had injured my knee and wasn't able to go out walking. We've had so much ice throughout January and February I wouldn't dare walk outdoors anyway. There was one sunnier day last month where the roads were dry so I tried it. Aftwards my knee was burning and I had to keep icing it. I basically had thrown in the towel after that and stopped exercising completely. My eating habits were not good because I felt down most of the time. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I couldn't seem to get a grip because there were so many factors working against me.
I'm not sure how long this cold, dreary, icy weather will last but typically it does start to warm up by April. I'm glad it's Daylight Savings because I like having more daylight in the evening. Once I get over this chest cold, I plan on at least getting back to my toning and doing my WATP DVDs. Just start out slowly with a one mile and then two mile walk to see if my knee will hold up. I just have to turn this around. I've felt bad for far too long, 180 degrees from where I felt last summer when I was losing steadily and feeling fit and happy. Things sure can turn on a dime and it's very scary to see myself in this black hole. Some of it self-imposed because of my own feelings and reactions, but much of it outside factors that were beyond my control.
I know things can and will get better. It's just today it all seems so far away...just look at that dismal picture just outside my window! The gloom is just choking me today. Please God, let the sunshine return outside and let the sunshine come back into my life. amen.
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