Sunday, May 19, 2013
I wrote this blog originally last night when I came home from the hospital and everything was very fresh on my mind.
I shouldn't have.
I was too emotional and wasn't thinking clearly when I wrote it.
I didn't consider the fact that other people out there might have been through the same thing and it may have not turned out so well.
Therefore, I am re-writing this sans details.
I just want to say that my husband did, in fact, have a heart attack.
When I found him and got him to the hospital, I began to pray Psalm 91. I like The Message version of it...
You who sit down in the High God’s presence,
spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow,
Say this: “God, you’re my refuge.
I trust in you and I’m safe!”
That’s right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you’re perfectly safe;
his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You’ll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God’s your refuge,
the High God your very own home,
Evil can’t get close to you,
harm can’t get through the door.
He ordered his angels
to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they’ll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You’ll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.
14-16 “If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,
“I’ll get you out of any trouble.
I’ll give you the best of care
if you’ll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I’ll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!”
He is in ICU now, and barring any complications, will be moved to a regular room today. On Monday, he should come home. There was absolutely no damage at all to his heart muscle. The Lord kept his promise from the Psalm and heart disease didn't do one bit of harm to my husband's heart muscle.
The doctor told me, when they came out of the procedure, that this shouldn't interfere with his work at all as long as he doesn't have any further chest pains.
I am counting on God to keep His promise from Psalm 91, to protect us from this disaster that began to erupt around noon yesterday. This heart attack came just as we were able to see light at the end of the tunnel. But God is faithful and I am counting on Him.
I'm also thankful for Psalm 23 in times like this because when I start to get upset or worried, I get still and quiet and just meditate on this Psalm. Then peace comes to take its rightful place, and I am reminded once again that there is no reason to fear anything. I am reminded just how much the Lord loves us and cares about us.
The Lord is my shepherd;
there is nothing I lack.
He lets me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He renews my life;
He leads me along the right paths
for His name’s sake.
Even when I go through the darkest valley,
I fear no danger,
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff—they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
as long as I live.
This is how I get through times like these since I have no family near me and I have gone through most crises and births of my children alone, thanks to the military life.
Ok...this has gone on long enough.
I cannot believe how supportive the SP community is.
I hope I can learn to be as supportive of you as you are of me. I don't want to be just a "taker" and not a "giver" as well.
Thank you once again, Sparkies. You are awesome!!!
Saturday, May 18, 2013
i just found my husband on the floor.
the ambulance is transporting him now.
they think he has had a heart attack. please pray for us.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Wow, what a difference a few weeks makes with a few SparkFriends alongside to encourage, uplift, and show me the way!
When I came here I was so discouraged.
My name was Fight4NewLife and my page was a real bummer to read.
I had no courage, no motivation, no expectation that I could do anything or that I would even remain here, let alone finish the race set before me.
Now, I am actually beginning to believe that I really CAN do it, and that I will remain with this for the long haul.
Thank you again, my friends, for all you have done to encourage me.
As I get stronger, I hope to also encourage you and others along the way as well.
Mainly I feel determined to do it to prove everyone wrong....including my inner voice that says, "I won't because I can't."
But that voice is changing.
It doesn't say, "I can't," anymore. In fact, it doesn't say, "How can I do it?" It doesn't even say, "I can," either.
Now it says, "I will do it," and it's moving toward, "I will do it to the very best of my ability, and give it all I've got."
I noticed that I wanted to change the motivational pictures on my page as well.
I like this!
I'm really beginning to feel better about myself...stronger, more confident.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
As I was going to dance class two nights ago, I was thinking about my family of origin and still trying to work through the things that happened while I was out of state and how to turn all this stuff around.
I keep the Bible on CDs in my car and have been listening to 1 Corinthians 13 as much as possible lately. It helps me to work through a lot of my reactions to people. I like to listen to The Message version because I like the way is sounds.
Here it is in print:
"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
2 If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.
3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
8-10 Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.
11 When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.
12 We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love."
As I was thinking about my family and feeling rather sad and frustrated that my family is so dysfunctional and isn't the way I would like it could be, I popped this CD into the player and began to listen. As I listened to the entire chapter, these lines seemed to be emphasized...and the last one was particularly empahsized:
"Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have."
"Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have...."
I drove the rest of the way to class in silence as just let that one sentence bathe my family and my sadness.
And within about a minute or so, the sadness and frustration went away. Acceptance stepped into its rightful place for the first time ever.
Love doesn't want what it can't have.
I can't have a functional family, but I can love my family in spite of their dysfunction.
I can't have their respect, but I can love them in spite of the lack of it.
I can't change them, but I can change myself.
In changing myself, I can perhaps help to undo the damage I have caused in my own children and then they can also find ways to heal and change, and they can then teach their children how to be healthy and whole.
Then, just maybe, when my family of origin and the extended family sees my branch of the family functioning in a healthy way that is respectful of one another, they will want to be that way, too, and will seek to know how we changed.
And I will say, "I let love lead." (Then I'll teach them to do the same.)
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
I decided to take a look at the things that are wrong in my life so that I can know how to change them for good.
In order to find balance in my life, I need to make changes in four areas each day:
4) SOUL(Emotional - Social - Creative)
Therefore, I have decided to keep my eyes open every day for fear. If I fear something, I will realize that it is something that needs to be worked on and changed.
Everyday from now on I will work on something in all four categories so that over time, I will have a balanced life that full and vibrant.
My real name means, "He shall add a pearl." I like that, and I accept it as a promise from my Creator.
Today, I walked 2.4 miles (PHYSICAL). While I did so, I listened to two days worth of the Daily Audio Bible (SPIRITUAL). I also made two phone calls to maintain social contact with people I love, made arrangements to clean the church I attend one week per month, and agreed to socialize with my dance teacher...someone I haven't socialized with before. This means I will expand my friendships over time with her. I am also going to go to Memphis tomorrow night with her, and I just called my close friend to make plans for a standing date each month for Girls' Night Out at my house (which all attacks my social phobia with a vengeance) (SOUL).
Finally, I am tracking my food, but my food choices are limited right now with my husband off work. Therefore, the best I can do is watch my calories rather than choose really nutritious foods. (NUTRITIONAL) I do have some fruit and a few fresh veggies. There are some canned goods but they tend to have high sodium counts so I have to be careful there.
As I grow more courageous, I will be able to stand up for myself when my husband goes grocery shopping with me. As it is, I usually don't say much when he puts the food in the cart that he wants to eat and I skip the nutritious stuff I like to eat because I know he won't eat it. I know that sounds like an excuse, but I also know he won't eat kale, collards, broccoli, or any of those other veggies that I really like to eat, and we cannot afford to buy everything that we both like right now, so I will eat what he likes and just watch my calories until he gets back to work.
Anyway, I am making progress.
One day at a time.
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