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home from the hospital (reboot)

Sunday, May 19, 2013

I wrote this blog originally last night when I came home from the hospital and everything was very fresh on my mind.

I shouldn't have.

I was too emotional and wasn't thinking clearly when I wrote it.
I didn't consider the fact that other people out there might have been through the same thing and it may have not turned out so well.

Therefore, I am re-writing this sans details.

I just want to say that my husband did, in fact, have a heart attack.
When I found him and got him to the hospital, I began to pray Psalm 91. I like The Message version of it...

You who sit down in the High God’s presence,
spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow,
Say this: “God, you’re my refuge.
I trust in you and I’m safe!”
That’s right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you’re perfectly safe;
his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You’ll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God’s your refuge,
the High God your very own home,
Evil can’t get close to you,
harm can’t get through the door.
He ordered his angels
to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they’ll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You’ll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.

14-16 “If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,
“I’ll get you out of any trouble.
I’ll give you the best of care
if you’ll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I’ll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!”

He is in ICU now, and barring any complications, will be moved to a regular room today. On Monday, he should come home. There was absolutely no damage at all to his heart muscle. The Lord kept his promise from the Psalm and heart disease didn't do one bit of harm to my husband's heart muscle. emoticon

The doctor told me, when they came out of the procedure, that this shouldn't interfere with his work at all as long as he doesn't have any further chest pains.

I am counting on God to keep His promise from Psalm 91, to protect us from this disaster that began to erupt around noon yesterday. This heart attack came just as we were able to see light at the end of the tunnel. But God is faithful and I am counting on Him.

I'm also thankful for Psalm 23 in times like this because when I start to get upset or worried, I get still and quiet and just meditate on this Psalm. Then peace comes to take its rightful place, and I am reminded once again that there is no reason to fear anything. I am reminded just how much the Lord loves us and cares about us.

The Lord is my shepherd;
there is nothing I lack.
He lets me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He renews my life;
He leads me along the right paths
for His name’s sake.
Even when I go through the darkest valley,
I fear no danger,
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff—they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
as long as I live.

This is how I get through times like these since I have no family near me and I have gone through most crises and births of my children alone, thanks to the military life.

Ok...this has gone on long enough.

I cannot believe how supportive the SP community is.
I hope I can learn to be as supportive of you as you are of me. I don't want to be just a "taker" and not a "giver" as well.

Thank you once again, Sparkies. You are awesome!!! emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENNAWW4LIFE 5/19/2013 10:55PM

  Keeping you and your hubby in my thoughts and prayers!
Take care of YOU as well!

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HAPPYDOES 5/19/2013 10:31PM

    Thank you, each and every one! Yes, I do find comfort in each one of these comments.
As I said in the last blog...
When he is home and I have more time, I will thank each one of you individually.
I am SO exhausted. Emotionally, I'm drained. I keep everything in while I'm at the hospital and we talk and share whatever, just as we normally do. But I cry nearly all the way home while I talk to God about the effect this has had on me.

I think I'll call it a a day, Sparkies, and go tuck myself in, thanking God for another day with my Love, and another day of life.

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QUADCMOM 5/19/2013 8:38PM

    Thanks for sharing the update and the scriptures. I especially like Psalm 91. I found that one when my Father In Law passed away. I read it at his funeral. I'm still praying for you and your husband. Get some rest now!!

emoticon Hugs

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HONEYBEADS 5/19/2013 8:20PM

    You are in my prayers. May your husband have a speedy recovery. emoticon

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KAYLSLYNN 5/19/2013 8:06PM


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QUERIDAANA 5/19/2013 7:06PM

    God bless you and your hubby.

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DEBORAH2180 5/19/2013 10:17AM

    Sometimes I wish these comments have a "Like" button because I like everyone's comments! Praise the Lord there was no damage to the heart muscle! I hope you are finding comfort too with these comments so you don't feel so alone. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers! (((hugs)))

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EMMACORY 5/19/2013 9:49AM

    May your husband continue to heal. I am glad that you know how to turn to God in your need. May you feel the warm embrace of God's love. Blessings, June emoticon

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HOLLYM48 5/19/2013 8:44AM

    emoticon to your husband. Hugs for you. Hope all is well and he is home in no time as good as new.

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MAWMAW101 5/19/2013 7:55AM

    Precious girl, there are times in your life when it is necessary to be a taker so don't apologize and please just accept our sincere care and concern for you! Through everything remember to "take good care of yourself" first so you can take care of others later.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PICKIE98 5/19/2013 7:23AM

    faith means: "If you pray why worry?"
"If you worry, why pray?"

Short and sweet.

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GHOSTFLAMES 5/19/2013 6:34AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RAPUNZEL53 5/19/2013 6:27AM

  I am glad he is doing so well. Good Luck for speedy recovery.

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heart attack

Saturday, May 18, 2013

i just found my husband on the floor.

the ambulance is transporting him now.
they think he has had a heart attack. please pray for us.

thank you.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HAPPYDOES 5/19/2013 10:15PM

    Thank you all so much. When I get a chance after he is home, I will thank you individually.
God bless you!

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KAYLSLYNN 5/19/2013 8:03PM

    M emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EMMACORY 5/19/2013 9:44AM

    Josie, your husband and you are in my prayers emoticon June

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DEBORAH2180 5/18/2013 10:05PM

    (((hugs))). Sending my prayers to you and your husband! Make sure to take care of yourself too!

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    OMG! I am sending many prayers to you that he is okay! HUGS!

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QUADCMOM 5/18/2013 8:32PM

    LIfting you and husband up in prayer.

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SANDRA2BSKINNY1 5/18/2013 6:20PM

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and DH. emoticon

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3G1RLS4ME 5/18/2013 6:18PM

    Prayers sent your way,hope update is good

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WORKNPROGRESS49 5/18/2013 5:38PM

    Sending thoughts/prayers emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ADAGIO_CON_BRIO 5/18/2013 5:31PM

    How terrible! I will keep both of you in my thoughts and will wish and hope for the very best. Take good care of yourself too.

I am so very sorry to read this.

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GRAMMY_22 5/18/2013 5:19PM

    I will keep him in my prayers...and say a few for you too.

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JACKIE542 5/18/2013 4:40PM

    So sorry sending prayers. emoticon

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PURPLE180 5/18/2013 4:31PM

    Prayers for you both.

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MAWMAW101 5/18/2013 4:27PM

    Oh, I am so sorry! Prayers to you and him.

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ELLES26 5/18/2013 4:19PM


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I'm changing!

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Wow, what a difference a few weeks makes with a few SparkFriends alongside to encourage, uplift, and show me the way!

When I came here I was so discouraged.
My name was Fight4NewLife and my page was a real bummer to read.
I had no courage, no motivation, no expectation that I could do anything or that I would even remain here, let alone finish the race set before me.

Now, I am actually beginning to believe that I really CAN do it, and that I will remain with this for the long haul.

Thank you again, my friends, for all you have done to encourage me.
As I get stronger, I hope to also encourage you and others along the way as well.

Party on! emoticon
Mainly I feel determined to do it to prove everyone wrong....including my inner voice that says, "I won't because I can't."

But that voice is changing.
It doesn't say, "I can't," anymore. In fact, it doesn't say, "How can I do it?" It doesn't even say, "I can," either.
Now it says, "I will do it," and it's moving toward, "I will do it to the very best of my ability, and give it all I've got."

I noticed that I wanted to change the motivational pictures on my page as well.

I like this!

I'm really beginning to feel better about myself...stronger, more confident.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SANDRA2BSKINNY1 5/20/2013 12:34AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KAYLSLYNN 5/19/2013 8:02PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EMMACORY 5/19/2013 2:26PM

    Attitude is everything! Yes, you can changes to yes, I know...to yes, let' do it. Cheering for you every step of the way. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SWEETNEEY 5/18/2013 2:16PM

    emoticon emoticon

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Letting Love Lead

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

As I was going to dance class two nights ago, I was thinking about my family of origin and still trying to work through the things that happened while I was out of state and how to turn all this stuff around.

I keep the Bible on CDs in my car and have been listening to 1 Corinthians 13 as much as possible lately. It helps me to work through a lot of my reactions to people. I like to listen to The Message version because I like the way is sounds.

Here it is in print:

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

2 If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.

3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

8-10 Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

11 When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

12 We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love."

As I was thinking about my family and feeling rather sad and frustrated that my family is so dysfunctional and isn't the way I would like it could be, I popped this CD into the player and began to listen. As I listened to the entire chapter, these lines seemed to be emphasized...and the last one was particularly empahsized:

"Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have."


"Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have...."

I drove the rest of the way to class in silence as just let that one sentence bathe my family and my sadness.
And within about a minute or so, the sadness and frustration went away. Acceptance stepped into its rightful place for the first time ever.

Love doesn't want what it can't have.
I can't have a functional family, but I can love my family in spite of their dysfunction.
I can't have their respect, but I can love them in spite of the lack of it.
I can't change them, but I can change myself.
In changing myself, I can perhaps help to undo the damage I have caused in my own children and then they can also find ways to heal and change, and they can then teach their children how to be healthy and whole.
Then, just maybe, when my family of origin and the extended family sees my branch of the family functioning in a healthy way that is respectful of one another, they will want to be that way, too, and will seek to know how we changed.

And I will say, "I let love lead." (Then I'll teach them to do the same.)

Party on! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAWMAW101 5/15/2013 10:38AM

    All I can say is sometimes I am in awe that what you write is exactly what I know but am unable to put it out there! Don't know why except I was raised without much love and have definitely changed it for my own family. We hug and kiss and love greatly and my most joyous memory is of our 50th anniversary when we went to a cabin in Gatlinburg (all 23 of us plus one on the way) for a week of great fun! This summer they will bring tents and boats (we live by a gravel pit) for a weekend of fishing tournaments, corn hole tournaments, card games, wiener roasts and fish frys. I can't wait.
Because of my family of origin I do have problems with hanging on to my faith sometimes. I will hang on to yours in the meantime.

emoticon emoticon

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A_BIT_AT_A_TIME 5/15/2013 9:30AM

    Wow, that's powerful. Funny how things hit you when you've heard them a million times before and then Zing! the lightbulb comes on. "Love doesn't want what it can't have. " That's such an important lesson - good for you for being willing to hear it and turn it into something positive. emoticon

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Fear is my clue: Analyzing for change

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

I decided to take a look at the things that are wrong in my life so that I can know how to change them for good.

In order to find balance in my life, I need to make changes in four areas each day:
4) SOUL(Emotional - Social - Creative)

Therefore, I have decided to keep my eyes open every day for fear. If I fear something, I will realize that it is something that needs to be worked on and changed.

Everyday from now on I will work on something in all four categories so that over time, I will have a balanced life that full and vibrant.

My real name means, "He shall add a pearl." I like that, and I accept it as a promise from my Creator.

Today, I walked 2.4 miles (PHYSICAL). While I did so, I listened to two days worth of the Daily Audio Bible (SPIRITUAL). I also made two phone calls to maintain social contact with people I love, made arrangements to clean the church I attend one week per month, and agreed to socialize with my dance teacher...someone I haven't socialized with before. This means I will expand my friendships over time with her. I am also going to go to Memphis tomorrow night with her, and I just called my close friend to make plans for a standing date each month for Girls' Night Out at my house (which all attacks my social phobia with a vengeance) (SOUL).

Finally, I am tracking my food, but my food choices are limited right now with my husband off work. Therefore, the best I can do is watch my calories rather than choose really nutritious foods. (NUTRITIONAL) I do have some fruit and a few fresh veggies. There are some canned goods but they tend to have high sodium counts so I have to be careful there.

As I grow more courageous, I will be able to stand up for myself when my husband goes grocery shopping with me. As it is, I usually don't say much when he puts the food in the cart that he wants to eat and I skip the nutritious stuff I like to eat because I know he won't eat it. I know that sounds like an excuse, but I also know he won't eat kale, collards, broccoli, or any of those other veggies that I really like to eat, and we cannot afford to buy everything that we both like right now, so I will eat what he likes and just watch my calories until he gets back to work.

Anyway, I am making progress.
One day at a time.

Party on! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HAPPYDOES 5/14/2013 9:53PM

    I just wanted to add that this past week everything snowballed on me. I usually don't cry in public, and I can usually hide my social phobia behind my Fibromyalgia which keeps me indoors a lot or gives me a good excuse for breaking engagements.

The things I mentioned in the last comment have been spread across the last 4 years so it isn't like I do these things in public all the time.

I say that my family (of origin) thinks I'm a nutjob. Maybe that is just my perception since I don't live anywhere near them and they only see me about two times per year, if that much.

Anyway, I just wanted to clarify these things.

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HAPPYDOES 5/14/2013 7:07PM

    Maybe I will write that book someday, MawMaw. If I do, it will probably be after my parents have died. I don't ever want to hurt them.

Thank you. And, I understand how you feel, but my life has become unbearable. I have closed down so much and closed out almost everyone. My family thinks I'm a nutjob, and I think my dad may have written me off this past week.

I have to change. It is just that simple. When being in a group of people, even my own family makes me so nervous that I walk on eggshells and break down in tears just to relieve the pressure, I definitely need to change.

When I am so concerned about embarrassing myself every time I am in public that I cancel appointments, or drop out of college because I am afraid to write a paper and turn it in, or walk out of a painting class just because someone brought out a camera...this is too much.

And when it begins to cause me to even doubt God and His love for me, then I know I have crossed a line that should never be crossed, and I have got to change.

My life has become a living hell because of social phobia.

The good news is I know The Redeemer and He will help me. emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/14/2013 9:33:40 PM

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MAWMAW101 5/14/2013 5:00PM

Don't know if you are keeping a copy of your blogs as you continue on your great adventure but someday you will write the most awesome inspirational book! Those Monks will be proud!
P.S. Thanks for my balloons.

Comment edited on: 5/14/2013 5:04:53 PM

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JOANNATR0001 5/14/2013 4:42PM

    I admire you. I am pretty frightened myself. And the vision of meeting people that, I guess, are my friends freaks me out. I hate socializing. As much as I like to help people at work (I work in services), I really hate going out... Maybe that benefited to yhe weight problem?
Stay safe on your path!

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