Wednesday, May 15, 2013
As I was going to dance class two nights ago, I was thinking about my family of origin and still trying to work through the things that happened while I was out of state and how to turn all this stuff around.
I keep the Bible on CDs in my car and have been listening to 1 Corinthians 13 as much as possible lately. It helps me to work through a lot of my reactions to people. I like to listen to The Message version because I like the way is sounds.
Here it is in print:
"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but donít love, Iím nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
2 If I speak Godís Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, ďJump,Ē and it jumps, but I donít love, Iím nothing.
3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I donít love, Iíve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, Iím bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesnít want what it doesnít have.
Love doesnít strut,
Doesnít have a swelled head,
Doesnít force itself on others,
Isnít always ďme first,Ē
Doesnít fly off the handle,
Doesnít keep score of the sins of others,
Doesnít revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
8-10 Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.
11 When I was an infant at my motherís breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.
12 We donít yet see things clearly. Weíre squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it wonít be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! Weíll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love."
As I was thinking about my family and feeling rather sad and frustrated that my family is so dysfunctional and isn't the way I would like it could be, I popped this CD into the player and began to listen. As I listened to the entire chapter, these lines seemed to be emphasized...and the last one was particularly empahsized:
"Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesnít want what it doesnít have."
"Love doesnít want what it doesnít have...."
I drove the rest of the way to class in silence as just let that one sentence bathe my family and my sadness.
And within about a minute or so, the sadness and frustration went away. Acceptance stepped into its rightful place for the first time ever.
Love doesn't want what it can't have.
I can't have a functional family, but I can love my family in spite of their dysfunction.
I can't have their respect, but I can love them in spite of the lack of it.
I can't change them, but I can change myself.
In changing myself, I can perhaps help to undo the damage I have caused in my own children and then they can also find ways to heal and change, and they can then teach their children how to be healthy and whole.
Then, just maybe, when my family of origin and the extended family sees my branch of the family functioning in a healthy way that is respectful of one another, they will want to be that way, too, and will seek to know how we changed.
And I will say, "I let love lead." (Then I'll teach them to do the same.)
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
I decided to take a look at the things that are wrong in my life so that I can know how to change them for good.
In order to find balance in my life, I need to make changes in four areas each day:
4) SOUL(Emotional - Social - Creative)
Therefore, I have decided to keep my eyes open every day for fear. If I fear something, I will realize that it is something that needs to be worked on and changed.
Everyday from now on I will work on something in all four categories so that over time, I will have a balanced life that full and vibrant.
My real name means, "He shall add a pearl." I like that, and I accept it as a promise from my Creator.
Today, I walked 2.4 miles (PHYSICAL). While I did so, I listened to two days worth of the Daily Audio Bible (SPIRITUAL). I also made two phone calls to maintain social contact with people I love, made arrangements to clean the church I attend one week per month, and agreed to socialize with my dance teacher...someone I haven't socialized with before. This means I will expand my friendships over time with her. I am also going to go to Memphis tomorrow night with her, and I just called my close friend to make plans for a standing date each month for Girls' Night Out at my house (which all attacks my social phobia with a vengeance) (SOUL).
Finally, I am tracking my food, but my food choices are limited right now with my husband off work. Therefore, the best I can do is watch my calories rather than choose really nutritious foods. (NUTRITIONAL) I do have some fruit and a few fresh veggies. There are some canned goods but they tend to have high sodium counts so I have to be careful there.
As I grow more courageous, I will be able to stand up for myself when my husband goes grocery shopping with me. As it is, I usually don't say much when he puts the food in the cart that he wants to eat and I skip the nutritious stuff I like to eat because I know he won't eat it. I know that sounds like an excuse, but I also know he won't eat kale, collards, broccoli, or any of those other veggies that I really like to eat, and we cannot afford to buy everything that we both like right now, so I will eat what he likes and just watch my calories until he gets back to work.
Anyway, I am making progress.
One day at a time.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
It's been a rough start here at SP.
I apologize because I feel as though when people see my page and then read my blog, they may feel as if they've been duped.
However, I chose my screen name for a reason and that reason is because I do have many problems to overcome. My names helps me to remember that Happy is as Happy does.
My name and the party balloons help me to keep moving forward, to not close up, shut down, run away, or live in denial. Instead, I can face my problems head-on, knowing that if I just stand my ground and keep moving forward, I will overcome them. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. And I am learning to embrace fear, take it's energy from it, and use it to compel me forward toward physical, mental, and spiritual health.
I like that. It's a high that isn't destructive.
And I feel happy when I have overcome my fear and lived up to my name.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
I have been making plans to change things.
I have several alarms set on my phone to remind me to call people every day so that I have social contact with people I love.
I am trying to expand my world again.
Yesterday, my husband went up into the attic and took out my keyboard. I cleaned it off and he found a cord for it. I am going to begin to play after 15 years or so. It was another casualty of my social phobia as is my singing. I used to sing in public for more than a two decades but I stopped altogether about four years ago. I don't draw anymore, but I just created my first mixed media piece on canvas board for my grandson who is due to be born in five weeks.
I look forward to playing the keyboard again. I can't read music. I just put on a CD and sit down and play what I hear. I love to play along with Eric Clapton or or Boston or other groups that have electric guitars.
Last night, I went to dance class. My teacher invited me to go to Memphis with her Wednesday to hear Gladys Night sing. Then she invited me to begin to just hang out with her from time to time when she's in town or going to the nearby town to shop or have lunch. I'm grateful for her kindness.
I can feel my shell beginning to crack open and I am going to wedge my foot in it so it can't slam shut again. Then I'm going to press my full weight against it and do all I can to break it open and to live full and free. And finally, I plan to burn that shell to ashes when I am finally out of it so that I will never have anything to trap me again.
OK...I'm off...with my face toward the "monks" on my walk this morning, and then, I'll make my morning social phone call...actually two of them. One the second one, I plan to make a standing "Girls' Night Out" date with my one close friend and ask her to bring her sister so that I can get to know her better over time.
This will meet two of my goals for the day: the one for fitness and the one that speaks of coming out of my shell.
P.S. Just as I was about to click "Post Blog Entry," this thought came to mind: "I'll make losing weight and coming out of my shell my full time job."
I'll need to think more about that to figure out all the ways to do it, but I think it is a great idea!
Monday, May 13, 2013
not much appetite today...
but i'm feeling a bit more positive overall so that's a good thing.
i have a plan that is becoming more defined as i go along, so that's also a good thing.
Best of all, I have a very handsome husband who sees me as I am. He knows all my issues, what has happened to me in the past, and why I am the way I am. And he loves me anyway, even though it is hard on him sometimes. He is patient with me. He loves my body at any size. And he always wants to be with me. Several people have made the statement that he looks like a celebrity and carries himself like a king. I am so grateful to God for him. Last night I heard the song "Bridge Over Troubled Water"
and I thought of him.
He's the only one who has stood by me through this and believed in me when others have doubted me...including myself.
I love him.
I always will.
31 years together and counting...
Note: I decided to edit this because although I'm sure some people have read this, I know everyone hasn't yet, and I think I prefer to keep these details private after all.
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