Tuesday, May 14, 2013
It's been a rough start here at SP.
I apologize because I feel as though when people see my page and then read my blog, they may feel as if they've been duped.
However, I chose my screen name for a reason and that reason is because I do have many problems to overcome. My names helps me to remember that Happy is as Happy does.
My name and the party balloons help me to keep moving forward, to not close up, shut down, run away, or live in denial. Instead, I can face my problems head-on, knowing that if I just stand my ground and keep moving forward, I will overcome them. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. And I am learning to embrace fear, take it's energy from it, and use it to compel me forward toward physical, mental, and spiritual health.
I like that. It's a high that isn't destructive.
And I feel happy when I have overcome my fear and lived up to my name.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
I have been making plans to change things.
I have several alarms set on my phone to remind me to call people every day so that I have social contact with people I love.
I am trying to expand my world again.
Yesterday, my husband went up into the attic and took out my keyboard. I cleaned it off and he found a cord for it. I am going to begin to play after 15 years or so. It was another casualty of my social phobia as is my singing. I used to sing in public for more than a two decades but I stopped altogether about four years ago. I don't draw anymore, but I just created my first mixed media piece on canvas board for my grandson who is due to be born in five weeks.
I look forward to playing the keyboard again. I can't read music. I just put on a CD and sit down and play what I hear. I love to play along with Eric Clapton or or Boston or other groups that have electric guitars.
Last night, I went to dance class. My teacher invited me to go to Memphis with her Wednesday to hear Gladys Night sing. Then she invited me to begin to just hang out with her from time to time when she's in town or going to the nearby town to shop or have lunch. I'm grateful for her kindness.
I can feel my shell beginning to crack open and I am going to wedge my foot in it so it can't slam shut again. Then I'm going to press my full weight against it and do all I can to break it open and to live full and free. And finally, I plan to burn that shell to ashes when I am finally out of it so that I will never have anything to trap me again.
OK...I'm off...with my face toward the "monks" on my walk this morning, and then, I'll make my morning social phone call...actually two of them. One the second one, I plan to make a standing "Girls' Night Out" date with my one close friend and ask her to bring her sister so that I can get to know her better over time.
This will meet two of my goals for the day: the one for fitness and the one that speaks of coming out of my shell.
P.S. Just as I was about to click "Post Blog Entry," this thought came to mind: "I'll make losing weight and coming out of my shell my full time job."
I'll need to think more about that to figure out all the ways to do it, but I think it is a great idea!
Monday, May 13, 2013
not much appetite today...
but i'm feeling a bit more positive overall so that's a good thing.
i have a plan that is becoming more defined as i go along, so that's also a good thing.
Best of all, I have a very handsome husband who sees me as I am. He knows all my issues, what has happened to me in the past, and why I am the way I am. And he loves me anyway, even though it is hard on him sometimes. He is patient with me. He loves my body at any size. And he always wants to be with me. Several people have made the statement that he looks like a celebrity and carries himself like a king. I am so grateful to God for him. Last night I heard the song "Bridge Over Troubled Water"
and I thought of him.
He's the only one who has stood by me through this and believed in me when others have doubted me...including myself.
I love him.
I always will.
31 years together and counting...
Note: I decided to edit this because although I'm sure some people have read this, I know everyone hasn't yet, and I think I prefer to keep these details private after all.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
I have made some decisions that have been very difficult to make but that I think will be very good in the long run.
The past month or so has been an emotional land-mine.
My husband still hasn't found work and we are both fighting depression.
I don't think I have lost any weight this week, but I don't think I've gained any either. I will find out when I weigh in tomorrow.
I think it is time for my walk so I can click off another couple of miles toward Subiaco and the monks. At least I'll feel as though I'm accomplishing something.
Thank God for His promises.
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