Thursday, April 18, 2013
I think I'm doing well. I am pretty sure I have already reached my first goal of 5 pounds and will be starting another weight loss ticker when I weigh in on Sunday.
My greatest accomplishment, though, has been in my ability to love myself as a fat person.
I have always been a perfectionist and so have been very harsh with myself if I didn't do everything perfectly. Just recently, though, I suddenly realized that my body has been my faithful servant for my entire life. It has served me faithfully, performing every task that I have demanded of it, to the best of it's ability, every single time, without hesitation, and under very harsh conditions and even abuse. I have forced it to eat foods that were not good for it, forced more food on it than it needed, withheld food from it for days and weeks on end, forced it to eat far too much food and then forced it to get rid of that food in the most violent ways, and then forced it to exercise under extreme stress. And still it has shown up every single day for more abuse to perform to the best of its ability for over 50 years.
When I realized that, I took compassion on my body and changed the way I view myself. And I began to love myself.
Now, I CAN lose weight without all the emotional struggle with food that I have had all these years because I want to be kind to my faithful servant. After all, it deserves it for all it has done to take care of me.
So yeah, I may have only lost about 5 pounds so far of the 80 I need to lose, but the progress I've made in loving my body for the first time in my life is HUGE!
LOVE makes all the difference in the world.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
As I said in my last blog, "This party needs more depth of character...a purpose...because a party for the sake of a party isn't enough to carry me through this weight loss. "
And then came the horror of the Boston Marathon bombing.
I wish it had never happened. I wish so many people were not grieving today. I wish I could somehow turn back time and undo it all. And I'm sure everyone else who didn't plan and carry out this attack and others like them do too.
As I sat on the couch listening to the radio because I do not have TV, something inside me was stirring. Something was coming alive. A spark (although I didn't recognize it at the time).
I decided to go online to see if I could get more information about the bombing because I used to live in near Boston, and have been on that very street several times. What I found was horrific pictures of people just like me and my own family, on sidewalks covered or sprayed with blood. I saw shoes and other personal belongings scattered here and there, torn clothing, and one particular thing that I have never seen before: everyone who was closest to the blast had the same hair, though varying in color: excessively dry, dirty-looking, and matted from the explosion (some in which I could see the blood). Their hair, for some reason tore at my heart because, most of the time I couldn't really see their injuries, but their hair let me know that they were the ones who were the most affected by these bombs.
And I started to cry.
In fact, I'm having a hard time seeing the keyboard right now as I remember these pictures.
Then there were the pictures of the heroes, folks in the crowd who, instead of running away, ran toward the injured people to help them. And also the one hero who, simply because of one photograph and the story of his own loss, became the media focus as the main hero of the bombing. I believe what he did is wonderful. I also believe that whatever anyone else did to help, no matter how small the effort, in such a great time of need, is also to be applauded. Their selfless acts of love show humanity at its best.
Finally, there was a picture that completely broke me down, and at the same time set that tiny spark that I mentioned above, to smoldering. It was the photograph that will be on the cover of TIME magazine. It is a picture of a policeman holding a little boy with matted hair. Blood covers most of one side of his hair. He is crying. But it is the expression on his precious, little face that seized me and refused to let me go. The instant I saw it, it took my breath away, and I heard myself gasp as I threw my hand to my mouth to cover it.
You see, he looks like my grandson.
As I looked into his little face, a face I've looked into so many times before, and yet haven't, I saw that that he wasn't looking at something in front him. He was looking inward to the past. He was reliving in his mind what he has just been through. And my heart completely broke in that instant as I wanted so much to scoop him into my arms and comfort him like I do my own grandson.
I have looked at that photo several times since, each time, praying for this little guy and his family, and for all those in Boston who are grieving and recovering from this attack. As I have looked at the picture and prayed, the spark has received more of the oxygen of love.
And what the perpetrators meant for evil, God meant for good.
I think that we tend to get caught up in selfishness when everything is going well in our lives, and unfortunately it takes something difficult or tragic to move us toward each other in love.
Therefore, I have decided to print out the TIME magazine picture of this little boy on 8 x 10 card stock, frame it, and hang it beside my bed so that it is the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night. I have decided that he is going to be my inspiration to finally get fit and to run 5Ks (or more if I can) for charity, for the sake of love. In the place of the boy who was killed in the bombing who will never run, I will run.
And I won't take "NO" for an answer.
LOVE will find a way.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
This past week was...
an obstacle course.
My grade: C (not a total failure, but far from an A student!)
First, the invitation to eat out with friends at the Mexican restaurant...which I did. I justified it even though I was trying to lose weight, because it met one of my goals to be more sociable and to come out of my introverted shell. I also did it because my husband has never gone out to eat with these friends of mine because he has been working away from home every time the opportunity presented itself.
On Monday, I felt very sick! Weak, dizzy, nauseated. And I've been feeling tired ever since, although I haven't had a repeat of that day. I think I know what is the cause but I haven't been to the doctor yet to confirm it.
The next obstacle was the water heater that broke right after my husband took a shower and right before I loaded the dishwasher. So we worked on it for two days, and had to drive to another town to buy parts for it. (Lesson learned: flush the water heater every six months and check the annode once per year!)
Throughout this week my husband has chosen the food that we have eaten in restaurants (4 times! (together), which is HIGHLY unusual for us. We rarely eat out and I usually cook fresh food rather than packaged, convenience foods.) He has also requested that I make him a cake! So far, I have had one regular sized piece of it, but when I put it into the nutrition tracker and saw how many calories were in it, I decided that IF I were going to have any more, it would be a VERY thin slice. And so it has been...200 calories.
Finally, there was the birthday party of a little girl who considers me to be her grandmother. So I went to it last night at a pizza parlor. A big plate of salad and only one piece of pizza was the best choice I thought I could make since I was hungry! I drank slightly sweetened iced tea and I limited myself to 2 bites of cake.
Overall, I didn't move as much this week as I did last week.
So what did I learn?
*This party needs more depth of character...a purpose...because a party for the sake of a party isn't enough to carry me through this weight loss.
*I need to have a plan B that includes:
* go-to foods and menus for the times when i am really tired, sick, or busy. Fibro exaggerates pain and brings chronic and sudden fatigue that I can not anticipate. Therefore, I need to have a plan in place to fall back on when Fibro throws me a curve ball.
* restaurant choices that will give me options for when we need to eat out (i can use this for plan A as well)
* to find ways to incorporate fitness into my regular routine AS I GO so that I am burning more calories while I'm doing my regular stuff
* make a simple walk around the yard each one of my "treats" each day AND make it as important as taking my meds
I guess I should tell you what the scale registered this morning after this very trying week of obstacles:
Last week it was 206.6.
So I didn't lose another 3 pounds like I did last week, but I lost almost a pound by tracking my food calories and trying to make the best choices I could under difficult circumstances. I ate too many calories on only one day, and three days I ate too few calories to reach my daily goals.
This week, my focus will be on developing the depth of this party and creating plan B.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
This week I had concerns about my privacy online and I canceled a few of my online accounts.
I don't feel completely safe online but at the same time, I don't want to be totally paranoid either. Therefore, I decided to dial back the things I am making public here on SparkPeople until I get this stuff figured out.
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