Tuesday, April 23, 2013
I'm a stress eater.
Yesterday I received two big emotional whammies and since then I have really been struggling to stay out of the junk food.
I'm really tired right now because I couldn't sleep last night.
I got up at 2:30AM this morning and when I dozed off again some time around 6AM, I had a nightmare that woke me up again right away.
I think it's time for a walk.
(edit: I got ready for the walk but it's started storming.
I think I'll settle in and watch a good chick flick or comedy and laugh.)
Friday, April 19, 2013
I read a blog today titled "Poll: Are Negative Usernames Helpful or Self-Defeating?"
I agree that negative usernames can work against us.
This blog has to do with something subtle that I picked up on in that blog. The fact that the blogger included the names "FATGIRL" and "IMSOFAT" in the same category as "UGLYME", although the people who chose these usernames may, indeed, have felt negatively about themselves, caused me to think about the general hatred in our society toward fat people.
I sometimes refer to myself as fat, but I see it simply as a fact, rather than something that has negative emotions attached to it anymore.
As I said in my last blog entry, for years I hated my body, but when I suddenly realized that my body had showed up every single day to faithfully serve me despite the harsh conditions I had subjected it to (anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive overeating), and that it had done so for over 50 years, my point of view suddenly changed, and I took compassion on my body.
Now, although I admit that I am fat, I also love my body for its faithful service to me, and I treat it as well as I can every day. Since I started to doing that, the weight has begun to fall off without the emotional struggle with food that I always had.
I hope that the hatred of fat people will stop and that we will begin to see their bodies as amazing and faithful servants, just like the bodies of thin people. After all, body is a body, whether fat or thin, and it is designed to walk, talk, sit, stand, sing, dance, play, work, hug, and do all kinds of AMAZING things.
I hope America can get past this hatred of fat people because it really doesn't help anyone.
So hug a fat person today and tell them how amazing their body is!
Perhaps it will help us all realize that when it all comes down, a body is just a body, and we all need to be loved and accepted.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
I think I'm doing well. I am pretty sure I have already reached my first goal of 5 pounds and will be starting another weight loss ticker when I weigh in on Sunday.
My greatest accomplishment, though, has been in my ability to love myself as a fat person.
I have always been a perfectionist and so have been very harsh with myself if I didn't do everything perfectly. Just recently, though, I suddenly realized that my body has been my faithful servant for my entire life. It has served me faithfully, performing every task that I have demanded of it, to the best of it's ability, every single time, without hesitation, and under very harsh conditions and even abuse. I have forced it to eat foods that were not good for it, forced more food on it than it needed, withheld food from it for days and weeks on end, forced it to eat far too much food and then forced it to get rid of that food in the most violent ways, and then forced it to exercise under extreme stress. And still it has shown up every single day for more abuse to perform to the best of its ability for over 50 years.
When I realized that, I took compassion on my body and changed the way I view myself. And I began to love myself.
Now, I CAN lose weight without all the emotional struggle with food that I have had all these years because I want to be kind to my faithful servant. After all, it deserves it for all it has done to take care of me.
So yeah, I may have only lost about 5 pounds so far of the 80 I need to lose, but the progress I've made in loving my body for the first time in my life is HUGE!
LOVE makes all the difference in the world.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
As I said in my last blog, "This party needs more depth of character...a purpose...because a party for the sake of a party isn't enough to carry me through this weight loss. "
And then came the horror of the Boston Marathon bombing.
I wish it had never happened. I wish so many people were not grieving today. I wish I could somehow turn back time and undo it all. And I'm sure everyone else who didn't plan and carry out this attack and others like them do too.
As I sat on the couch listening to the radio because I do not have TV, something inside me was stirring. Something was coming alive. A spark (although I didn't recognize it at the time).
I decided to go online to see if I could get more information about the bombing because I used to live in near Boston, and have been on that very street several times. What I found was horrific pictures of people just like me and my own family, on sidewalks covered or sprayed with blood. I saw shoes and other personal belongings scattered here and there, torn clothing, and one particular thing that I have never seen before: everyone who was closest to the blast had the same hair, though varying in color: excessively dry, dirty-looking, and matted from the explosion (some in which I could see the blood). Their hair, for some reason tore at my heart because, most of the time I couldn't really see their injuries, but their hair let me know that they were the ones who were the most affected by these bombs.
And I started to cry.
In fact, I'm having a hard time seeing the keyboard right now as I remember these pictures.
Then there were the pictures of the heroes, folks in the crowd who, instead of running away, ran toward the injured people to help them. And also the one hero who, simply because of one photograph and the story of his own loss, became the media focus as the main hero of the bombing. I believe what he did is wonderful. I also believe that whatever anyone else did to help, no matter how small the effort, in such a great time of need, is also to be applauded. Their selfless acts of love show humanity at its best.
Finally, there was a picture that completely broke me down, and at the same time set that tiny spark that I mentioned above, to smoldering. It was the photograph that will be on the cover of TIME magazine. It is a picture of a policeman holding a little boy with matted hair. Blood covers most of one side of his hair. He is crying. But it is the expression on his precious, little face that seized me and refused to let me go. The instant I saw it, it took my breath away, and I heard myself gasp as I threw my hand to my mouth to cover it.
You see, he looks like my grandson.
As I looked into his little face, a face I've looked into so many times before, and yet haven't, I saw that that he wasn't looking at something in front him. He was looking inward to the past. He was reliving in his mind what he has just been through. And my heart completely broke in that instant as I wanted so much to scoop him into my arms and comfort him like I do my own grandson.
I have looked at that photo several times since, each time, praying for this little guy and his family, and for all those in Boston who are grieving and recovering from this attack. As I have looked at the picture and prayed, the spark has received more of the oxygen of love.
And what the perpetrators meant for evil, God meant for good.
I think that we tend to get caught up in selfishness when everything is going well in our lives, and unfortunately it takes something difficult or tragic to move us toward each other in love.
Therefore, I have decided to print out the TIME magazine picture of this little boy on 8 x 10 card stock, frame it, and hang it beside my bed so that it is the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night. I have decided that he is going to be my inspiration to finally get fit and to run 5Ks (or more if I can) for charity, for the sake of love. In the place of the boy who was killed in the bombing who will never run, I will run.
And I won't take "NO" for an answer.
LOVE will find a way.
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