Sunday, December 16, 2012
A lot of you guys gave me great advice. Unfortunately, I already do a lot of what you said.
I have a super busy day today- Christmas sort of crept up on me and I realized I didn't have any of my presents for my family yet. I also need to deep clean my apartment because we're going to Phoenix next week and two people are coming over to feed my cat and, as usual, my apartment is a mess. I still have a headache and really didn't wake up in a better mood than I've felt all week, but I need to push through it.
My daunting to-do list:
1. Clean my apartment (which of course includes many things, such as vacuuming, doing my dishes, dusting), which is the most daunting part of this to-do list because it's going to take me hours.
2. Go to Michaels for Christmas present supplies
3. Go to Petsmart for kitty food and litter
4. Go to Piggly Wiggly to refill my 2.5 gal water jug (.39 a refill, can't beat that)
5. Go to Trader Joe's to get mainly produce, just enough to get me through the week
6. Workout - EA Sports Active 2 Cardio Kickstart Day 3, Cardio Sculpt and the 20 minute dumbbell workout all on my agenda
7. Laundry - doubt I'll have time to go over to my parents' house and do this... but I desperately hope I do.
Needless to say a to-do list like this is enough to make anyone crazy.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
I really don't have much to say. I'm apparently doing something completely wrong - and I can't figure out what it is. I see people losing 1-2 pounds a week, even a half a pound, and it just makes me sad.
Because I lose nothing.
That's right. I've lost nothing since I joined Spark. Exactly 4 weeks ago.
I changed my diet a couple of days before I rejoined Spark - and lost 2 pounds - and for four solid weeks, despite meeting 5/6 or 6/6 nutrition ranges every day, exercising almost every day, and being as varied as possible in my meals and in my workouts - I've lost nothing. Nada.
I've had a really bad week emotionally, but I didn't overeat. I did most things right this week, considering. I'm still not doing well in that department and I'm almost at the point where I desperately ask people what on earth I do just to survive. Because I feel like a fraud - like I'm just pretending to stay afloat in life.
Before I continue to ramble... I really came here to say I've got nothing. I'm going to Trader Joe's tomorrow with my mom, I found a bunch of new healthy smoothie recipes (all of which I grouped and entered into Spark earlier) and a few quinoa dishes to try, so hopefully on December 22nd, I'll see some sort of deficit on the scale. I won't give up. I won't stop what I'm doing. I won't stop strength training, playing my EA Sports game, or anything else. I'm just really sad that I really have seen no progress. I can feel a few muscles here and there, but literally that's the only progress, in four weeks, I can feel. That's kind of lame.
Hopefully for my sake and yours I'm in better spirits soon.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
I put a heart in my subject so it erased my entire entry! Well then. I had to write a separate blog today to say happy birthday to my #1 hero.
If you don't know who Tom DeLonge is, you will. I'll video blog about him on January 13th. You'll see why. He is, among other things, a musician I have liked for like 13, 14 years. But his music REALLY impacted my life nearly 7 years ago.
So then I decided to just show you the other three people I consider heroes of mine for different reasons.
I know none of you are shocked about this.
Or this. If I was gay I would totally swoon after Rachel Maddow. I'm straight and I swoon for her, who am I kidding? I want to BE her. Or her girlfriend.
Buuut this one might surprise you. No, this isn't a mistake. I meant to upload a picture of W. GWB is really #2 under Tom in terms of the impact he has had on my life. I know it makes no sense on the surface, me being a shameless Democrat, crushing on Rachel Maddow and adoring Barack Obama. I assure you I adore GWB too. And I'm not insane. I have my reasons. Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime.
But I digress. Off to bed. Or at least, to get in bed and read.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
My depression tires me out. I'm the only one in my family to have it, and while my parents want to understand it, they really don't. They believe a lot of the common myths about depression and anxiety. They question why I have either because "I have a good life". Or, my dad thinks I'm depressed "because my brother has a girlfriend and I don't have a boyfriend". (I'm not saying I ENJOY that my brother 6 years my junior has a 2+ year relationship when I've never had a relationship that lasted more than 3 months, but that isn't it.) It's hard to put into words what having either feels like, especially when my parents ask me on a "good" day. You just have to have it. You just have to be able to personally relate. But they can't, so I pretend like my anti depressants are working. I pretend like I don't get depression and anxiety that debilitates me. I put on a fake smile for the world, and on days I can't, I crawl into my bed with Paisley and pretty much stay there until the pain dies down. Or I sleep so long I can't sleep anymore. But it's exhausting hiding. It's exhausting faking it. I do it for everyone's own good - everyone's except my own. I've already tried two different kinds of anti depressants, and increased the dosage of the latter. It messes up my sleeping patterns and I still get depression far too often for my liking. I trust my parents but yet I can't reach out to them about this. They just get frustrated which they turn into anger towards me (though I know they aren't TRULY angry with me). I can't go to the doctor and pay $200 for her to prescribe me another medication that may or may not work. I'm just sick of this. I'm tired. I had depression undiagnosed for about a decade, and anxiety undiagnosed for 6 years. But being diagnosed makes things worse, in some aspects.
I didn't go to work today. My toilet DID overflow (and still isn't working properly; it's clear simple plunging doesn't solve the problem) and flooded my bathroom floor right before I was going to get dressed for work. It was sort of a huge blessing because I was able to honestly say I had to clean up my bathroom and couldn't come in. I dried my floor and proceeded to lay down, not feeling like doing a damn thing. At 1, I decided I'd give myself 15 more minutes to feel sorry for myself and then get out of bed. Here I am. On my couch. Digesting my lunch. I'm going to refill my Camelbak, put on some workout clothes, and do every single strength video I logged today plus do day 2 of my EA Sports Active 2 game. I'm hoping I at least have a feeling of accomplishment when I complete all of that. But in reality, I need to clean my apartment so I can have someone come in to fix my toilet, which will add a few hours to my day. None of this is a big deal but I get really overwhelmed about small things, especially when small things start to add up.
I've rambled on enough for now. Going to do one of the Spark videos and get going.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Since posting this I decided I really felt too terrible to do any of the fitness I scheduled for today (aside from the Deck of Cards game, which I did earlier). I hope I feel much better tomorrow so I can do what I scheduled for today plus what I wanted to do tomorrow. The video blog will come at some point, or tomorrow I'll just write out my review. Sorry guys.
Happy Aaron Rodgers Day!
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