Thursday, January 17, 2013
Today was an eating day where I felt preoccupied with thoughts of food throughout the day. Typically I am pretty good at staying busy and sidetracking the sabotaging voices in my head but not this time. I just wanted to eat, and eat then eat some more. I didn't necessarily binge but I definitely over did it, and will feel the effects tonight and today. I know I won't sleep as soundly tonight and will have a lack of motivation in the morning. I don't miss the very many days and nights which I suffered through. Above all I certainly don't miss the psychological and emotional toll binge eating took on me. I've been binge free for awhile now but understand that I need to be more aware and proactive on days like today. I know we all over indulge from time to time- but this was boredom eating- not for some over the top celebration. So my goal for the rest of this month will be to be more mindful of what I am eating and why, especially on my days to relax.
Monday, October 08, 2012
While in the 4th grade I remember going home one day and cutting the size labels in all of my clothes. I guess that I felt that doing so would make changing in the locker room during gym a bit easier. This is one of my earliest memories of worrying about my weight, body image and other insecurities. Around the same time I started being bullied for my weight and my doctor recommended “weight watchers” for kids. It wasn’t until high school though that I really tried to change my lifestyle or was truly concerned with my health and fitness. Before that I just wanted to fit in, feel comfortable and thought being skinny could bring you all the happiness in the world.
My weight crept up on me over time but remember being shocked one day when I stepped on the scale and saw ’174′. Now is the time I guess I should mention I am 5’1. Something clicked after that day and eventually I got to around 155. Over the next few years my weight fluctuated between 160 and 150. After high school is when I realized I was the ONLY person who had any control of my weight, shape, or size. With healthy eating and being active for the first time in my life; I got down to 135 pounds- the smallest I had ever been. I was making tons of new friends, going to school, working and in a brand new relationship.
It seems like it all came crashing down on me suddenly though. I switched jobs, broke up with my boyfriend, and changed my birth control which ended with me not getting a period for nearly four months. This I believe is when my unhealthy relationship with food truly deepened. I saw three doctors, had tons of blood work and other test done. I was convincing myself I was pregnant, and started binge eating. Within six months, I ballooned up to 186 pounds because of the amount of binge eating I was doing. I went from a size 6 to a size 16; which was the biggest I have ever been. Words cannot even begin to describe how defeated I felt, I was lost and out of control in every aspect of my life. My body ached, I had no energy or motivation, I hated looking in the mirror each and everyday.
I still held on to a bit of hope though and knew I could make positive changes. It took me two years but I went from 186 pounds down to 131. I was happy, healthy and living binge free. My outlook on life completely transformed unlike it ever had before. I worked so hard towards my goal and had never been as proud of myself. Aside from being in control, I realized each day was a brand new day. I no longer had that “all or nothing” attitude that I gained from binge eating. I no longer ate like I would never eat again. I gave in to temptation from time to time, but I never gave up. I also remembered the promises I had made to myself.
Currently, I am 144 pounds and my mindset is the same as it had been 13 pounds ago. I did put on some weight but understand that there are only a FEW pounds between me and my goal. I am not about to give up completely and eat my way back up to 186. Maintence is just as difficult as losing weight some days, which is one of the main reasons I decided to begin this blog. I am hoping to ensure I hold myself accountable, while also learning and sharing with others. This is a journey which I am on, and there is no destination. I need to keep moving in the right direction though, and know I can and WILL be successful.
Please follow my blog for more daily postings at selfpromises.wordpress.com
Sunday, October 07, 2012
Interesting title if I do say so myself. I've created a blog on wordpress which I plan to use as my daily blog. It will include photos, thoughts and much more related to food and fitness. Please take a look and subscribe if you wouldn't mind!
Thursday, October 04, 2012
I have to be honest and admit that I've put some weight back on. At first it was five pounds, then ten, and now I am inching closer and closer to fifteen. I can't even begin to explain how things have changed since I got off track. Everything from my sleeping pattern, body aches, attitude, mood, and confidence has been affected. I knew I was stumbling and would like to say stress did it to me but fell really hard once I started binge eating again. I refuse to give up completely because I know I can AND will get healthy. So until I am back at my goal, I will be blogging regularly. The purpose of this is to help me stay focused and keep myself more accountable. I plan to include my food, fitness and just my daily thoughts. I know my spark friends are with me through this and I am SO thankful for that!
Pink nails all October long for breast cancer awareness.
Pita with peanut butter & celery for lunch, yum!
Some lunch, dinner & snack prep for work.
My new Nikes which are so pretty I don't wanna break 'em in.
You can see I have focused eyes again!
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