HANNAHEP   9,740
8,500-9,999 SparkPoints
HANNAHEP's Recent Blog Entries

Weight Watchers

Monday, November 26, 2012

So around the time of my last blog, I had a complete meltdown where I just utterly lost faith in myself as far as ever losing weight or managing my food/beer intake. In my meltdown moment, I called my mom to vent. When I was a young girl and I used to scream and rave about how "fat" I felt, my mom would always insist that I was not fat, that I was imagining it and being way too hard on myself. This time, the only consolation she could offer was to say that she was willing to pay for me to do Weight Watchers. I was so insulted. It felt like giving up. It felt like surrendering myself to this "diet" and to this regime. It meant that my attempts to lose weight on my own with Sparkpeople were in vain, and that I needed someone to hold my hand.

Three weeks later, I went through another week of tracking carefully on sparkpeople, feeling deprived and frustrated, and then finally crashing with a big feast of italian food and self pity. I got on the scale at the end of a weekend of anti-dieting, and I was so big that I was almost back at my start weight. I decided to take my mom up on her offer. I went to a weight watchers meeting, started using their online tracking tools, and I have to say, I absolutely LOVE it.
the support and advice I was receiving from Sparkpeople were utterly AMAZING. This website has gotten me through (and will continue to get me through) some of the most trying times of the last 3 years of my life. I just happen to be a person that finds the "points" system of tracking more effective, and the weightwatchers meetings offer me a sense of accountability and support that I just really need. Maybe someday soon I can start saving myself the $50 a month and just go back to using sparkpeople, but right now, this is what works for me.

But I really believe that there are some things that Sparking offers that you just can't get anywhere else.....people around the world willing to slog through your blogs and offer advice and support at any time of the day or night. A determination to achieve goals in ALL walks of life, not just weightloss. I am so lucky that SP is the kind of website thst you can use in TANDEM with another weightloss program. I am so "sparked" with the support of my WW meetings and my Sparkfriends, and I look forward to sharing all the little ups and downs of this new approach to my journey with you all. I have decided that I
--deserve to be out of plus size clothes.
--deserve to be able to use my body like a well-oiled machine; hiking and climbing and dancing
--deserve to be confident enough in my body that I can date decent guys
--deserve to buy myself the little things I promise myself I can have when I accomplish SMALL goals, not just the BIG 125lb goal

Anyways, I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I look forward to being more in touch!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LANEYTHEGIRL 1/3/2013 7:38PM

    It's O.K. to use more than one strategy for losing weight. I think that Weight Watchers is actually a good program because you can choose what you eat and it encourages exercise but it's a little more structured than Spark People, which it seems is what you need. Don't be ashamed or feel guilty. Do whatever works and keeps you healthy. I hope you are sticking with it and have seen success.


Report Inappropriate Comment
GAL7288 11/28/2012 9:55AM

    You have to do whatever works for you and I am so happy you found it! More importantly though you know you are important and have set the goals in mind to keep reminding you of that. You can do this! We are cheering for you every step of the way!

Report Inappropriate Comment
BLUE42DOWN 11/26/2012 7:08PM

    emoticon for finding what works right for you!

Report Inappropriate Comment
BUTEAFULL 11/26/2012 5:54PM

    there are lots of sparkers using the weight watchers system, I bet you can find a weight watchers team her a SP

Report Inappropriate Comment


Tuesday, October 09, 2012

So, it has been a frustrating week with my body. I was doing this very unwise thing last week where I was weighing myself super-frequently. For whatever reason, over the course of a week of eating right and exercising hard, my weight just kept going UP. and staying up. FIVE POUNDS UP. I weighed myself on Wednesday afternoon before my workout, and was so frustrated with the number that I wanted to yell and scream.
I forced myself to do my workout anyways, but about halfway through, I just got this "I've had it" feeling. I turned the DVD off, feeling jittery and anxious and unsatisfied. I just felt like it was all a complete waste of time. All the sweating and sore muscles and late nights at the gym, so that my scale creeps downwards slowly and then shoots right back up a week or a day later. I have lost 20 pounds in three months, and I just can't believe how THE SAME I look in all the before/after pictures. And I feel so lost because I was SO SO beautiful when I was in high school. And now I'm saggy and flabby and absolutely COVERED, HEAD TO TOE, in stretch marks. I just feel like it's been over a year since I was under 250 pounds. And I feel like I will never be that size again. I feel totally at sea and totally trapped in this body that won't change, no matter how many times I try to fight it off.
I know I should be greatful for my health and my friends and my family.--but like so many humans, all I can think about is what I want to have right now that I don't have. I want a boyfriend. I want a large circle of friends. I want to have things to do on the weekends that are productive and memorable. When I was in college, living in the dorms, I felt like a PART of something. It was so much easier to take care of myself when I saw myself as a piece in this bigger puzzle, and when I didn't feel lonely all of the time.
I haven't worked out since I melted down on Wednesday afternoon. I know I should tonight, and I know I will feel super guilty if I don't, but I just don't have the energy or the desire. I feel like nothing will change.

So much gratitude to anyone who slogs through all this negativity. Just feeling discouraged and needing to vent I guess.

Cheers to a happy 4-day-week

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ELSCO55 10/15/2012 10:45PM

    Hope you are having a better week. It is good to be able to vent.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ISAVEDME80 10/9/2012 10:20PM

    Stretch marks are victory scars...You are a tiger girl....you just aren't remembering how to roar right now...
I love my stretch marks it shows me that I have lost weight....silly maybe but they make me smile...remind me of all the stripes I want to earn.
You are so beautiful set that in mind...
Be kind to yourself because you deserve everything the world has to offer you...
A fellow tiger friend!

Report Inappropriate Comment
GENTLEMAN77 10/9/2012 8:56PM

    I get frustrated all the time. I want to reach my goal weight tomorrow. The key is to never give up no matter what. And rejoice in each step. You'll reach your goal no matter how long it takes.

Report Inappropriate Comment
HIDDENRUNES 10/9/2012 8:06PM

    I vented today too..blogs are good for that. Don't get discouraged, I know its so easy, I try to focus on the little things...my shirt fits a little better, the dvd was a little easier today, my hair looks shinier, stuff like that. I understand what you mean about focusing on the negative..I have some good friends, a house, wonderful husband but all I can think about is how I don't have a job which somehow translates into nothing else matters and life stinks. All day I constantly have to remind myself to be grateful for what i do have..its a constant struggle but worth it. Good luck to you! Hope you get back on track.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ZZYYGGY3 10/9/2012 7:23PM

    That's what blogs are for. Don't let the scale rule your emotions.

Report Inappropriate Comment

Little Things

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

So, in followup to my last blog, I do really miss talking to steven. It has been so inspirational to have so many sparkers encourage me to recognize my grief, but move on with my life. So lucky that I have this website. Even though I miss steven, it hurts much much less than any other time we parted ways. Right now, I am just trying to embrace the fact that I'm not drinking and partying all the time, and it feels soooo good. Suddenly, little things that I haven't stopped to notice in a long time are occurring to me.
Last night I fell asleep in a warm comfy bed with clean sheets. There were times (not that long ago), when I couldn't afford a mattress. I just curled up on the laminate floor at night and made do. I usually couldn't afford laundry detergent either, so I had to wash my clothes in hot water and hope for the best. Now my linens smell like flowers :)
I have a sustainable way to buy food. And pay my rent. I get to live in a largely safe, quiet little urban neighborhood with 4 other young people who love and respect me. A little over a year ago, I was renting a small, bug-infested, overpriced one-room basement apartment from a man who was 35 years older than me and still routinely hitting on me and making me feel uncomfortable. I have so many little things that I lived so long without, that I should spend so much more time appreciating. I have a dresser for my clothes, I have a kitchen to cook healthy food in, I have a cell phone that works, I have a bachelor's degree, I have a stable income, I have control over my drinking problem, I even have those damned expensive replacement heads for my electrical toothbrush!! (hahaha) These were all things that even a year ago, I had to make do without. And it feels so good to have them. It feels so good to lay in my bed at night and feel the fan blowing cool air on my skin and breathe in the autumn and realize that I have gotten myself to safety, security, comfort and good health.
Wednesday is "hump" day. You're supposed to be miserable because you're only 50% of the way through the week. But today feels like a pretty darned good Wednesday!

Continued love, support and thanks to the sparkfriends that made these positive thoughts possible!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENNIFERLYNN128 9/28/2012 3:42PM

    This is a great blog. Good reminder that there are people struggling day in & day out...and now you can look back and see how far you have come and you should be SO proud of yourself.

Happy Friday to you :)

Report Inappropriate Comment
CARMENB66 9/26/2012 7:45PM

    emoticon emoticon thanks for sharing! It is wonderful that you are so thankful for where you are and how far you have come. That is wonderful :)

Report Inappropriate Comment
WHITNEYLD 9/26/2012 2:16PM

    emoticon emoticon Thanks for the reminder to be grateful for what we have now.

Report Inappropriate Comment
BOBCATGIRL76 9/26/2012 1:25PM

    This is so uplifting. Congratulations on how far you've come!

Report Inappropriate Comment
FARIS71 9/26/2012 10:07AM

    Good gracious you have come a long way. What a remarkable example you are for others who are getting their "stuff" together. Way to go, keep it up and God bless!

Report Inappropriate Comment

Insisting on Having my Needs Met

Sunday, September 23, 2012

So today, I , Hannah Paine, at 266 pounds with stretch marks and flab, broke up with a guy who is into body building, is incredibly attractive, and is considered a catch amongst all my girlfriends. He was my ex, and he recently came back into my life after a very painful breakup and six month separation. During that time I tried so hard to get ahold of him. I wanted to talk to him so badly.
And then he just kinda dropped in from the sky a couple of weeks ago, letting me know that he was a different guy and that he wanted to try and work things out.

I decided I would give him three weeks. At first he was very attentive and responsive, and then as the weeks wore on, nothing seemed to really bloom from it. He never bought tickets out here. He didn't really call, except for in the middle of the night my time, when it was convenient for him. He disappeared for a lot of hours and didn't tell me when (or if ) he would be back in touch. And don't get me wrong. I am all about guys having a life....but he said he was going to prove to me that he was a more reliable person and that he could be the guy he used to be...and if I am feeling alone and vulnerable and un-flirted with, how is he doing what he said he would do?

So tonight, the exact night that it had been 3 weeks, after 8 hours of texting him pictures and little funny things and then hearing NOTHING back, only to find out he was hanging out with his friends "unwinding" after work, I told him I had had it. I told him I was looking for passion and attention and that there was a girl out there who was totally okay with his approach to dating, but that she wasn't me. I told him I deserved better than to be in this no-committment-friend-zone thing. He just ignored me.

Don't get me wrong. It hurt SO bad to end things with a guy that I had spent SO long hoping to hear from again. It really hurts me that I won't be able to talk to this person that I really care about, and who I really loved talking to the last three weeks. But my standards for the way I want to be treated are the most important thing. I need someone who is available to me. Someone who sees me as a soothing outlet at the end of the day, not as a chore he should put off until after he smokes with his friends. He may look like he's out of my league, and he may have a great body and an attractive face, but I am going to insist on my standards for the way I want to be treated.

And he just doesn't meet them.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FIERCESTCALM 9/24/2012 8:15PM

    awesome job!! I wish I had had some of these realizations myself before I married the douchebag. at least I got an amazing daughter out of it all. I've decided to divorce my husband who doesn't think we really need to go that route. of COURSE he doesn't want a divorce....he's the one that f'ed up!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
GOODSTART08 9/24/2012 11:01AM

    good job! I had this happen to me 9 months ago when I had to break up with my ex because he was being unattentive and not treating me right. I recently tried to give him another chance and met for coffee then he proceeded to not text me for 2 weeks then when he did, he just wanted a booty call. I say we need to stop letting these jerks rule our lives and find ourselves some men who see that we are worth the time and attention! good job for breaking it off with him, he sounds like he is not going to be the man you want him to be and it is time to move on.
Good luck!


Report Inappropriate Comment
GAL7288 9/24/2012 10:16AM

    So sorry to hear you are hurting about having to let him go. It's always better to hurt in letting go then to be attached in the long run and keep hurting. now you have the chance to find the right guy for you, you deserve it. You are a strong and determined girl and you shouldn't have to settle for less than your worth, so go out there, be brave and find what you are looking for! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LIABOOTY 9/24/2012 7:57AM

    Never accept less than you deserve

Report Inappropriate Comment
LANEYTHEGIRL 9/24/2012 1:47AM

    Hannah, I know this all seems very dramatic and painful but trust me you are going to look back in a few years and laugh at the absurdity of this guy. He's not worth spending one more minute on for so many reasons, one of which that he's far away from what your blog says. Second, he's just using you for an ego boost. That's why he didn't answer your texts. He just likes the attention but doesn't want to make any effort what-so-ever. He's not putting half as much thought or emotion into this as you are.

You will meet many people, men and women, like this throughout your life and cutting them loose is always the best option. Giving him the boot was the best thing for you. What will be different in the future though is that you will immediately see this guy for what he is...A SELFISH FOOL. And you will not invest one more moment than necessary. You will laugh at his absurdity because believe me, he's absurd. He's less than you because of the way he acts. Looks be dammed.

Comment edited on: 9/24/2012 1:47:45 AM

Report Inappropriate Comment
NESARIAN 9/23/2012 11:16PM

    YAY YOU! You deserve better. Mo better. You have rights and deserve respect. I am sorry for the loss of someone you thought was a friend. I think you can and will find someone who is more into you than himself. YOU deserve it!

Report Inappropriate Comment
JMARIES51 9/23/2012 10:59PM

    Oh my gosh, Hannah, I am 61 years old and just found out how to do this - this year. You go girl. I know I don't know you, but I am so very proud of you. I am sure you are hurting right now, and feeling kind of sad to not have the connection, but you are going to see how this is just the beginning of You sticking up for what you deserve out of life.

I hope the next guy that happens into your life will be the type of guy that can appreciate a wonderful person for who she is and treat you the way you want to be treated. There is a saying that we teach people how to treat us. I never realized how true this is until recently. If you want to be treated like you are important, then you have to expect this from the very beginning of a relationship. A lot of those pretty faced guys out there are more concerned with their own feelings, and those guys are a dime a dozen. Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of toads to find a prince. emoticon emoticon LOL. not too many choices in emoticons

Report Inappropriate Comment
CAMARO_CHIC67 9/23/2012 10:55PM

    Good for you for standing up for what you deserve! I am proud of you!!

Report Inappropriate Comment

Blog Attempt #2

Monday, September 17, 2012

So an hour or so ago, I wrote a blog detailing some of the goals that I want to set for myself over the coming weeks. I decided it was a little too revealing of some of my less flattering habits and I decided to start again. What I want to do is implement some changes. I want to keep things that tempt me out of my house and I want to take a break from friends that encourage me to do things that are less-than-great for me. Some very fixable habits are wreaking havoc on my attempts to diet and take care of myself, and it is so hard to let go of those habits. Embracing the smaller person within, who behaves very differently from me, is really frightening. I like my hiding. It's hard to change. All of this sounds very obvious and silly, but my anxiety about changing is very real. What will it feel like to live without junk food? What will my life look like if I, yet again, fall off the wagon? What does it mean about me as a person if it is so hard to make these changes? Is it even possible for me to do this all on my own, or do I need help?
It is a day of deep anxiety today. Sort of like how they say the first step to getting rid of your problem is recognizing that you have one. I don't like the way it feels to recognize it, but I have to tell myself it's such a crucial step on the road to changing myself for the better.
Happy Fall and Happy Monday to all of you sparkers, and thanks so much to any of you that read this and offer your kind wisdom.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LANEYTHEGIRL 9/17/2012 3:42PM

    ahhh girl. letting go is hard and scary. why do you think so many people wait for a crises or some soul-crushing moment in life to change? because we need that motivation.

fear of change is what kept me in a relationship that was wrong for me from day one. he didn't treat me badly in the beginning but it ended almost two years later with me so miserable and i'm sure him as well. and why did i stay? because i was afraid that at my age it was too late to start over. but i did it. i ended it and every day i struggle to build a new life and i'm lonely and sad and confused sometimes. losing weight and letting go of bad habits, like drinking, is hard. it's also a loss in a way.

but guess what? when my friends and family saw i was serious about this, they began offering to walk with me or to go eat somewhere healthy. i had one friend, with whom i've been getting crazy drunk with for two decades, actually say: hey instead of happy hour, let's go to they gym. i said absolutely and that's what we did on a friday night.

the road will be lonely at first but as you move forward, you will meet people along the way who will travel with you. just gotta be brave enough to forge on that lonely road alone for a little bit. i promise it will happen and sooner than you think.

don't give up and, above all else, be kind to yourself.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SILLYLILME 9/17/2012 2:15PM

  Everything you wrote is something each of us is experiencing, has experienced or are going to experience. Changing a lifetime of habits is HARD and daunting. There is a physical as well as psychological process that occurs when you make a change like this and these changes will continue to occur through your journey.

I believe blogging here is so important. You will never feel alone in your thoughts and actions because trust me, most have been there and done that. Yes, you can do this on your own!!! But you have to make changes and choices that you are OK with. And there is no rush. I think a gradual change in habits is easier on the body and mind that a complete change all at once. This is how I have succeeded and continue to succeed. 80% of this journey is changing eating habits. Once you have conquered that you are home free.

There are so many success stories on here and people are so helpful. Don't be shy...ask questions. I wish you the best on your journey...it is all worth it!

Report Inappropriate Comment

1 2 3 4 5 6 Last Page