Monday, November 26, 2012
So around the time of my last blog, I had a complete meltdown where I just utterly lost faith in myself as far as ever losing weight or managing my food/beer intake. In my meltdown moment, I called my mom to vent. When I was a young girl and I used to scream and rave about how "fat" I felt, my mom would always insist that I was not fat, that I was imagining it and being way too hard on myself. This time, the only consolation she could offer was to say that she was willing to pay for me to do Weight Watchers. I was so insulted. It felt like giving up. It felt like surrendering myself to this "diet" and to this regime. It meant that my attempts to lose weight on my own with Sparkpeople were in vain, and that I needed someone to hold my hand.
Three weeks later, I went through another week of tracking carefully on sparkpeople, feeling deprived and frustrated, and then finally crashing with a big feast of italian food and self pity. I got on the scale at the end of a weekend of anti-dieting, and I was so big that I was almost back at my start weight. I decided to take my mom up on her offer. I went to a weight watchers meeting, started using their online tracking tools, and I have to say, I absolutely LOVE it.
the support and advice I was receiving from Sparkpeople were utterly AMAZING. This website has gotten me through (and will continue to get me through) some of the most trying times of the last 3 years of my life. I just happen to be a person that finds the "points" system of tracking more effective, and the weightwatchers meetings offer me a sense of accountability and support that I just really need. Maybe someday soon I can start saving myself the $50 a month and just go back to using sparkpeople, but right now, this is what works for me.
But I really believe that there are some things that Sparking offers that you just can't get anywhere else.....people around the world willing to slog through your blogs and offer advice and support at any time of the day or night. A determination to achieve goals in ALL walks of life, not just weightloss. I am so lucky that SP is the kind of website thst you can use in TANDEM with another weightloss program. I am so "sparked" with the support of my WW meetings and my Sparkfriends, and I look forward to sharing all the little ups and downs of this new approach to my journey with you all. I have decided that I
--deserve to be out of plus size clothes.
--deserve to be able to use my body like a well-oiled machine; hiking and climbing and dancing
--deserve to be confident enough in my body that I can date decent guys
--deserve to buy myself the little things I promise myself I can have when I accomplish SMALL goals, not just the BIG 125lb goal
Anyways, I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I look forward to being more in touch!!!!
Tuesday, October 09, 2012
So, it has been a frustrating week with my body. I was doing this very unwise thing last week where I was weighing myself super-frequently. For whatever reason, over the course of a week of eating right and exercising hard, my weight just kept going UP. and staying up. FIVE POUNDS UP. I weighed myself on Wednesday afternoon before my workout, and was so frustrated with the number that I wanted to yell and scream.
I forced myself to do my workout anyways, but about halfway through, I just got this "I've had it" feeling. I turned the DVD off, feeling jittery and anxious and unsatisfied. I just felt like it was all a complete waste of time. All the sweating and sore muscles and late nights at the gym, so that my scale creeps downwards slowly and then shoots right back up a week or a day later. I have lost 20 pounds in three months, and I just can't believe how THE SAME I look in all the before/after pictures. And I feel so lost because I was SO SO beautiful when I was in high school. And now I'm saggy and flabby and absolutely COVERED, HEAD TO TOE, in stretch marks. I just feel like it's been over a year since I was under 250 pounds. And I feel like I will never be that size again. I feel totally at sea and totally trapped in this body that won't change, no matter how many times I try to fight it off.
I know I should be greatful for my health and my friends and my family.--but like so many humans, all I can think about is what I want to have right now that I don't have. I want a boyfriend. I want a large circle of friends. I want to have things to do on the weekends that are productive and memorable. When I was in college, living in the dorms, I felt like a PART of something. It was so much easier to take care of myself when I saw myself as a piece in this bigger puzzle, and when I didn't feel lonely all of the time.
I haven't worked out since I melted down on Wednesday afternoon. I know I should tonight, and I know I will feel super guilty if I don't, but I just don't have the energy or the desire. I feel like nothing will change.
So much gratitude to anyone who slogs through all this negativity. Just feeling discouraged and needing to vent I guess.
Cheers to a happy 4-day-week
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
So, in followup to my last blog, I do really miss talking to steven. It has been so inspirational to have so many sparkers encourage me to recognize my grief, but move on with my life. So lucky that I have this website. Even though I miss steven, it hurts much much less than any other time we parted ways. Right now, I am just trying to embrace the fact that I'm not drinking and partying all the time, and it feels soooo good. Suddenly, little things that I haven't stopped to notice in a long time are occurring to me.
Last night I fell asleep in a warm comfy bed with clean sheets. There were times (not that long ago), when I couldn't afford a mattress. I just curled up on the laminate floor at night and made do. I usually couldn't afford laundry detergent either, so I had to wash my clothes in hot water and hope for the best. Now my linens smell like flowers :)
I have a sustainable way to buy food. And pay my rent. I get to live in a largely safe, quiet little urban neighborhood with 4 other young people who love and respect me. A little over a year ago, I was renting a small, bug-infested, overpriced one-room basement apartment from a man who was 35 years older than me and still routinely hitting on me and making me feel uncomfortable. I have so many little things that I lived so long without, that I should spend so much more time appreciating. I have a dresser for my clothes, I have a kitchen to cook healthy food in, I have a cell phone that works, I have a bachelor's degree, I have a stable income, I have control over my drinking problem, I even have those damned expensive replacement heads for my electrical toothbrush!! (hahaha) These were all things that even a year ago, I had to make do without. And it feels so good to have them. It feels so good to lay in my bed at night and feel the fan blowing cool air on my skin and breathe in the autumn and realize that I have gotten myself to safety, security, comfort and good health.
Wednesday is "hump" day. You're supposed to be miserable because you're only 50% of the way through the week. But today feels like a pretty darned good Wednesday!
Continued love, support and thanks to the sparkfriends that made these positive thoughts possible!!!
Sunday, September 23, 2012
So today, I , Hannah Paine, at 266 pounds with stretch marks and flab, broke up with a guy who is into body building, is incredibly attractive, and is considered a catch amongst all my girlfriends. He was my ex, and he recently came back into my life after a very painful breakup and six month separation. During that time I tried so hard to get ahold of him. I wanted to talk to him so badly.
And then he just kinda dropped in from the sky a couple of weeks ago, letting me know that he was a different guy and that he wanted to try and work things out.
I decided I would give him three weeks. At first he was very attentive and responsive, and then as the weeks wore on, nothing seemed to really bloom from it. He never bought tickets out here. He didn't really call, except for in the middle of the night my time, when it was convenient for him. He disappeared for a lot of hours and didn't tell me when (or if ) he would be back in touch. And don't get me wrong. I am all about guys having a life....but he said he was going to prove to me that he was a more reliable person and that he could be the guy he used to be...and if I am feeling alone and vulnerable and un-flirted with, how is he doing what he said he would do?
So tonight, the exact night that it had been 3 weeks, after 8 hours of texting him pictures and little funny things and then hearing NOTHING back, only to find out he was hanging out with his friends "unwinding" after work, I told him I had had it. I told him I was looking for passion and attention and that there was a girl out there who was totally okay with his approach to dating, but that she wasn't me. I told him I deserved better than to be in this no-committment-friend-zone thing. He just ignored me.
Don't get me wrong. It hurt SO bad to end things with a guy that I had spent SO long hoping to hear from again. It really hurts me that I won't be able to talk to this person that I really care about, and who I really loved talking to the last three weeks. But my standards for the way I want to be treated are the most important thing. I need someone who is available to me. Someone who sees me as a soothing outlet at the end of the day, not as a chore he should put off until after he smokes with his friends. He may look like he's out of my league, and he may have a great body and an attractive face, but I am going to insist on my standards for the way I want to be treated.
And he just doesn't meet them.
Monday, September 17, 2012
So an hour or so ago, I wrote a blog detailing some of the goals that I want to set for myself over the coming weeks. I decided it was a little too revealing of some of my less flattering habits and I decided to start again. What I want to do is implement some changes. I want to keep things that tempt me out of my house and I want to take a break from friends that encourage me to do things that are less-than-great for me. Some very fixable habits are wreaking havoc on my attempts to diet and take care of myself, and it is so hard to let go of those habits. Embracing the smaller person within, who behaves very differently from me, is really frightening. I like my hiding. It's hard to change. All of this sounds very obvious and silly, but my anxiety about changing is very real. What will it feel like to live without junk food? What will my life look like if I, yet again, fall off the wagon? What does it mean about me as a person if it is so hard to make these changes? Is it even possible for me to do this all on my own, or do I need help?
It is a day of deep anxiety today. Sort of like how they say the first step to getting rid of your problem is recognizing that you have one. I don't like the way it feels to recognize it, but I have to tell myself it's such a crucial step on the road to changing myself for the better.
Happy Fall and Happy Monday to all of you sparkers, and thanks so much to any of you that read this and offer your kind wisdom.
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