Monday, May 13, 2013
So much is going on lately. Iíve been packing on the stress eating pounds. I try not to cry and keep breathing as I explain.
My son (from a previous marriage) who is 4.5 years old and goes to daycare has been very violent to his classmates. They are threatening to kick him out 2 weeks from now. He comes home and is a totally different person. He doesnít hit and around others is very charismatic and affectionate. He is very articulate and intelligent so he isnít applicable for special education classes at the River Trails School District because he doesnít have a learning disability. I work 8-5p Mon-Fri at a doctorís office and I really canít take off time to try and get him into like a Head Start Program (half day). His deadbeat father hasnít gotten him insurance like our divorce decree stimulates so most pediatric psychologists/therapists donít take my kind of insurance. I feel so stressed and so trapped like no one is willing to help me. I got beat over the head with this at the daycare like ďHere.. do something to fix this.. but do it in 2 weeks!Ē So I have to punish something he doesnít display at home? After the fact? I think Iím going to have to quit my job and stay home with him and my baby girl. Really what choice do I have? I keep looking at the finances and even if I sold 1 of 2 cars, and cut everything from the budget like cable tv, internet, car insurance, clothes, diapers (disposable), etc I think weíd BARELY make it.
My son does not watch ANY TV at home, he doesnít listen to violent music in the car, he doesnít even have superhero books to read or to color. Iíve changed his diet to a similar one as mine which is no sugar really, not even carbs that turn into insulin. Iím trying so so so so hard and not seeing any results. Is there something I did? Or something I didnít do? Why have I failed? Heís so intelligent and loving.. I donít know what happened. I feel like a bad parent.
His loser father I informed that he was having trouble in school so over the weekend please donít give him any candy or let him watch violent tv shows. So the very SECOND my son walked in the door he showed me that he at MOSTLY candy and got to watch superheroes on Netflix (The Hulk, Avengers, Batman, Spiderman, other etc people knocking the crap out of bad guys). This is so passive-aggressive and heís not doing my son any favors. This only pushes me closer to LOSING MY JOB, my way of life, and forcing me to stay at home with a baby and a boy that Iím not trained to educate. So instead of going to school and learning to read, play nice with others, colors, numbers, reading clocks, etc my ex has pushed my hand so that the boy will most likely stay home where my attention will most likely be focused on a baby and push my son further down the road of attention seeking destruction.
I will probably get a little government aid.. MAYBE?.. and if I lose my job I think Iíll take this time to try for the 3rd and final baby. I will also get married to my partner whom is nothing like my monster of an ex. Heís my best friend. But this isnít fair to him either. Not only will I be selling his car, his last non-dad thing, but he will have to work longer, harder hours and have the stress of the entire familyís financials on his shoulders. Does he deserve that? =( Heís my best friend. I donít want that for him. We most likely wouldnít be using the heat or AC and maybe even switching to cloth diapers and wipes. So much would be cut. We wouldnít go out to eat EVER or even be able to buy his family Christmas presents. I donít want to break his heart like that.
All I want to do is buy a big box of fries from the place across the hall from my work and stuff my pain down with some fries and ketchup. I ate a whole bag of Reeses Pieces over the weekend too. I just feel like I deserve to feel good, a little.. somewhere.. somehow. I feel horrifically sick after eating this junk though. I donít know how to cope anymore. Thereís all these great diets out there but NONE of them explain how to deal with such life stealing anxiety and stress!
Monday, April 22, 2013
Thursday, the Chicagoland area got over 9inches of rainfall over night. After spending 2 hours trying to get to work I gave up and went home which took another hour to find a way back. There were abandoned cars with water up to their rear view mirrors and roads barricaded closed right and left. I felt super stressed cause I needed the money and most of the other employees were able to make it there through public transportation from Chicago or they lived nearby. I didnít know what to do and was rather bored because any outside errands were impossible. I felt like I had just wasted 3 hours of my day and gas for nothing.
Friday, I trekked out a different way to work, which much to my shock was also closed. I tried Euclid, Kensington, Wolf, Golf, Central, and Rand. Finally I went all the way north to go east, and then all the way south to Chicago. Ridiculous, I was late and wasted more than an hour and a half in the car once again. I need the hours. I ate my first half lunch at 10:30a and about 11am my daycare called. My son was being so aggressive that I had to get him before he hurt any other children. He had 3 incident reports by 11am and had kicked a girl in the throat, all without provocation or a reason. I left work in tears, and spent an hour and a half getting to the daycare. I picked him up and my infant and brought them home. I was so stressed out because he doesnít even have a reason for what he did, itís like he wanted to be cruel. I think I ate at least a whole roll of Oreos after I sent him to his room. There was nothing but bad news that day. My car ran out of gas because I was going in constant circles and I didnít know where to go. Then I vacuumed up the lost back of my babyís earring (which cost $40 to replace) and I saw it happen. I tried to find it and ended up dumping all the dirt and dust all over myself and the floor and still didnít find it. Then the DirecTV supervisor came and I was like ďyey, finally at least we can get tvĒ but Ö no.. of course not. He said it wasnít possible to install it on our house cause our association was too strict. By the time dinner came around I was absolutely nuts! My son refused to do anything even though he was grounded and my daughter was destroying my house but was too little to understand ďnoĒ. The rest of the weekend was just as bad.
Iím back up to 210lbs and I feel so very ashamed. How could I just lose control like that. I wanted to get too 199lbs by April 28th.. but thatís like 6 days and thatís a tall order to lose 11lbs in less than a week. I feel so crushed and defeated. Even if I try now it might not help. I need the strength to continue and work real hard to achieving this goal or even close to.
Monday, April 15, 2013
I remember the day fairly clearly that I rolled over 200lbs. I was 18 years old, a senior in a high school in Missouri. I remember stepping on the scale and it was like 197lbs, and I was so freaked out. I promised myself I'd NEVER be one of *those* people that would get over 200lbs. A couple weeks later I saw the scale roll to 201lbs. I was defeated. It's been 9 years since then, and my heaviest was 271lbs that I know of. How far I've fallen :( I'm 205lbs now, and so.. so so .. so close to going back under where I haven't seen since I was a kid!
I calculate everything. If Iím right, by the end of my DietBet.com bet I might actually see the Onderland Iím so desperate to see. People sometimes say ďI wish I could be a kid again, and have no worries and play all day..Ē I want to be 15 or 16 again. I want to be 160lbs with my large bust and a tight outfit. I was a force to be reckoned with! I was gorgeous, severely intelligent, resourceful, and everyone liked me! It might be shallow to want attention but if Iím physically healthier being a skinny thing then all the more power to me.
I have a boyfriend, but I do like male attention. I want all men to see my boyfriend (someday husband) and to be jealous and hate that Iím with him instead of them. I want my ex husband to see me and HATE himself. I want him to bang his head on the wall and ask himself why he didnít treat me like royalty when he couldíve kept me.
I have a huge pile of clothes in the corner of my room that are too big. The pile grows bigger as the weeks pass. I feel a little sad, as I added a favorite pair of pants to the growing pile today. Iím leaving my old life behind, my old favorite clothes that fit so well but are uncomfortable to keep a hold of now so they donít fall off. I should be excited that Iím getting too thin. New clothes are expensive though and I never had to buy clothes for myself, only my 2 little ones and occasionally for Matthew (my boyfriend) for a special occasion. Now I find myself digging through the clean laundry DESPERATELY trying to find a couple pairs of work pants that might fit. I hope the baby didnít puke on them.
I shared my diet with one of my coworkers today. Wrote out a huge list. I bet she wonít even look at it. She asked for it. I wish I could get 1 or 2 people to go on the same diet as me, to share this lifestyle with me but no one shares my enthusiasm or are stuck in their own ways. One of my coworkers is so pretty but creeping up in weight, Iím surprised, I used to know her weight but now sheís 10lbs heavier. If she were to go on my diet for a mere week I could knock the 10lbs right off her. I know its not that easy. But I could help. I hurt that they are so frustrated by not being able to lose but they arenít willing to put in the work to leave the weight behind.
Onderland here I come!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Yesterday I binged off schedule. I knew about it ahead of time but I already had a cheat day on Sunday. I donít know why I did it on Sunday KNOWING Iíd do it Tuesday as well. I am fairly ashamed.
That being said Iím holding steady at 210 for whatever reason. Iím afraid it might float till tomorrow.
So Iím trying something today that Iíve wanted to try but.. I just never got around to it. Iím eating at 6:30a, 10:30a, 2:30p, and 6:30pÖ. thatís right, every 4 hours. Breakfast like normal is Egg Beaters, some black beans, lots of spinach and some fresh parsley and chia seeds. Lunch on the other hand is the one that had to make a sacrifice. I usually have a big salad with a little bit of lean meat but today I split it up. 2cups of spinach mix, 1 hard boiled egg, 2 cucumber slices (it would have been more but I ran out and need to go shopping), some whole flaxseeds (it gives the salad texture), some Rosemary chicken I made in the slow cooker (I *hated* it!!!!!.. I wonít do it again), and 1 TBSP of regular full fat Ranch (I just canít bring myself to eat anything else, or less, or fat free). I did this into 2 shallow containers but I usually eat double that in 1 deep container. I wasnít hungry by 10:30.. and I wasnít hungry at 2:30 but I was feeling a little left out because my coworkers were walking around eating. Overall I loathed the chicken I added to the salad because of the Rosemary (I didnít know I hated it lol) and eating twice was a little weird. Dinner is normal. I eat a buttload (can I say that?) of steamed veggies (I exclude water chestnuts, carrots, corn, and potatoes as they are higher in carbs or sugar than I can tolerate at the moment) aside some lean protein, usually chicken breast. Iíll tell you how the 4 meals goes. It seems rather forced.
Interesting thing I noticed today/last night that Iím going to blame on the binge yesterday, is that my front teeth are super sensitive to cold all of a sudden. I assume its cause of the sugar that I had, I also had some Coke Zero. I think I will change cheat day if this occurs again because itís quite painful.
My biggest achievement so far is being able to stop drinking Coke Zero. I feel a lot different since I quit. I donít really know what to think about how I feel. Iíve been drowning my longings in iced cold black tea (unsweetened what so ever) and my caffeine levels seem to be holding tight. Coke Zero is super sweet, and had a huge kick of caffeine which I loved at work as well as for stress. I also noticed looking back that it has some kind of after flavor and the fizzy gives my nose a bit of a burning sensation. Maybe itís best to never look back.
I bought new pants that were quite a bit smaller than I needed. It was a stretch to button them and gave me quite the muffin top. Today Iím wearing them after 2 weeks of them sitting in my pants drawer. They just happened to be the right color. They donít fit perfectly, and a little snug but no muffin top. They are tight around my thighs too. I am eager to see how these pants change in the coming weeks and months.
I have not exercised in a while. Iím not 100% sure if I even desire to. I made a calculated move to not exercise and induce possible hunger or low blood sugar. I have been studying my Organic Chemistry book during my lunch break at work instead of taking the 45 mins to run/lift. Iíve also taken to eating in front of my work station because I guess Iím bored sitting at the lunch table and Iíd rather use my 45 mins elsewhere. People say this is bad because your body/mouth doesnít signal your brain that are you eating and getting fuller but it takes me a whooping hour and half to eat my large salad (or about 45-60 mins for the small salad) because I am so ďdistractedĒ. I feel full. I donít really wanna change that.
Friday, April 05, 2013
Ok, as of April 1st 2013, I was 220lbs. I entered a DietBet.com bet for $50 that I could lose 4% of my bodyweight in 28 days. So I have until April 28th to get it done. I have been pretty consistent in losing. I have been diagnosed with Strep Throat for the 3x in 6 weeks. I am on a 10-day antibiotic treatment *again*. Being sick really has wrecked my diet as well as adding antibiotics to my diet.
On Wednesday, I went to work at the pain clinic. I grabbed a Subway buffalo chicken salad on my way in and ate it at around 11:30am. My head started throbbing and I noticed I was having trouble seeing the computer screen and what was written on the white papers. My boss (who is a doctor) told me I was having a migraine with an aura. He asked whether I have frequent migraines and whether I was on my cycle. ďNoĒ to both, in fact I donít have a cycle due to a contraceptive injection I get every 3 months. He gave me a pain medicine for migraines that we give the patients and didnít question him because he knows what heís doing, and does this all day. About 20 mins after taking the little migraine pill I excused myself to the bathroom to start vomiting, but before I got to the door he grabbed me by the arm into the procedure room and injected me with 4mg of Zofran to stop the vomiting immediately. Zofran is also known to cause severe constipation. I took 4mg every OTHER day when I was pregnant and I probably had a BM every week and a half. Ugh, I know.. I walked out of the procedure room and right into the bathroom to throw up. Boss banged on the door and asked me to come out. So I finished and came back out to the reception area where in front of all the patients he injected me AGAIN with 4mg of Zofran in the other arm. He put an icepack on the back of my neck and I was still not doing well. He didnít know why the Zofran didnít work. He ran to the Subway a few shops down and bought 40oz of regular Coke for me. Omg. I drank it all and finally the throbbing headache and nausea ceased for the most part but that was almost 300 calories. All this sickness and what I have to do to be able to work, to see, to function is taking a huge toll on my diet. It almost doesnít seem fair.
I felt crappy yesterday and drank a 12oz Coke Zero, which if you know me is my DRUG. I absolutely canít stop. I feel super guilty.
I went to Samís Club yesterday and got some nice blender cups. I didnít want the blender part but theyíre nice cups. I made a pitcher of black tea and filled up 3x 40oz bottles with tea. I didnít bring Coke Zero to work today. Weíll see if this makes it easier for me.
I havenít worked out for about 2 weeks now due to feeling sickly and weak. I feel awful.
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