Sunday, September 15, 2013
The background: I am allergic to something. I have no idea what it is. While some foods cause me minor breakouts if I have them more than a couple times a week, others cause a complete rash on my face from the neck up...like baby acne for adults. Fun. I tried the Clean program cleanse a year ago, but the reintroduction phase got lost in a trip to NYC. Pizza and cupcakes and wine...oh my! Now finally I'm trying to start again. I was doing quite well, but truthfully fell off the rails with a bunch of excuses that all let me take my eye off the prize.
My prize? Finally learning what makes my body rebel, renewed faith in my ability to stick to a goal, and deeper understanding of my emotional eating.
The caution? I've got some history with food. I was quite a binge eater, and still find myself having those cravings...the longing to dive into a large bag of chips or an overflowing bowl of chocolate still grabs me regularly. Most times it loses and I win, each victory making me feel stronger than before. I understand that restrictive programs such as Clean may trigger those feelings for me, and this is what brings me here.
I am NOT on this program to lose weight. That will be my mantra. In the mornings when I want to step on the scale. At work, when my well-intentioned coworkers tell me I'm looking good. In the dark moments when I am aware of the weight loss and want to sabotage it instead of carrying on. My goal is simply to give my body a break from the unnatural, processed, high sugar foods. To give it time to heal and start fresh. To begin to learn how certain foods cause my body to react.
So tomorrow will be day 1 of 21 and I will log on here to write about my progress. I will explain my plan tomorrow. If you happen to find me and want to come along for the ride, I'm happy to have some help and support :)
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
I recently, after about 5 weeks of MOSTly consistent eating habits and good exercise, lost 5-7 pounds and 1 full inch off my waist. In the past 7 days (give or take) I THINK I have all but erased that progress. Is that possible? Without bingeing? Can someone eat enough to erase that kind of progress without it being a binge?
Anyway, I stepped on the scale as my bloated, fully clothed self tonight and saw my scary number. A number that my bloated self wouldn't have reached on a bloated night a week ago. I take two steps forward and 7 steps back and it is SO frustrating!
I worry a lot that I'm never going to do this. When I'm doing well I feel so positive that I'm finally changing, but somehow I always end up back here with my weight back on after barely making a dent and it makes me think I'll never find peace with food.
But you know what else? I can also admit to myself that I simply wasn't trying. If I want this, I need to fight harder and I need to not stop fighting. I cannot let my guard down after a few pounds lost. I cannot let my boyfriend telling me I'm sexy and crazy for thinking otherwise make me forget that it's not so much my body that needs fixing as it is my relationship with food.
I tell you...a little bit of convincing from him that I can indulge in pizza, rum, chips, etc one night, and I'm guilt eating for a minimum 2 days (in this case, though, it's been a week!).
I'm not blaming him in any way shape or form. I'm here to tell myself that I know what I need. In my heart, I know the reason why I want to focus on good eating habits. I need to make choices based on how I feel and how I'll react once the decision is made.
I NEVER regret turning down food. Never.
I want a plan. First of all, I'm proud to say I have almost made it 30 days binge free thanks to 3 day wins. Some people might call my eating bingeing, but as off the wagon as I feel, I do not feel I have binged.
So I am continuing on with my BF streak, but I need something more. I'm going to get my school work done tonight and then I'm going to write myself a plan. And I WILL stick to my guns (as a spark friend told me to do!!) because I'm tired of letting myself down and being too easy on me!
Monday, November 07, 2011
I am blogging tonight to hold myself accountable to my actions. Or am I? Because I just binged tonight - no denying it - yet I am still choosing to call it Day 4 in my BF streak. Day 4 with its shiny star sticker (yes, I use stickers for each BF day) and the inconspicuous word "pass" scrawled beside it.
Sigh. Sometimes I just feel like I need to give myself a little help through the start of a new streak! But other times - and particularly tonight - I wonder if I'm setting my bar too low and expecting too little of myself. But isn't it guilt and self deprecation that leads me to bingeing? When, if not in the midst of trying to heal myself, is a better time to show myself a little kindness?
So why, then, can I not just say "day 4" and carry on my merry evening? Why must I agonize over the decision and explain to all my spark friends on my LBF message board that even though I'm calling it day 4, it was actually a big giant cheat?
Here are the positives: I have eaten extremely healthily more days than not in the last month. The scale has only moved down in the past 3 weeks. I have made it through the last two weekends with extremely healthy and happy food behaviour! That last one is a feat in itself! It's been the Mondays and Tuesdays that have been getting me!
I'm officially blabbering now. Just wanted to bore the very few people who read my blogs with my inner dialogue instead of filling up any more space on the LBF message board (they got their fair share, trust!!). And more importantly, since writing releases me from my head a little bit, I wanted to explain and get off my chest why I want to call tonight binge free.
But if it happens again tomorrow, it'll be back to day 1 for me! Forgiveness is one thing. Denial is another.
Saturday, October 01, 2011
When I binge I get tired walking up the stairs to my bedroom.
I dress quickly without looking down at my stomach.
I brush my teeth and wash my face, figuring "at least I can do that".
I get under the covers, convince myself tomorrow will be better.
I close my eyes, remind myself of all the times I've proved it won't be.
I wake up, blissfully unaware,
then I remember. I weaken. I berate. I deflate.
I try to find something to wear to cover the mistakes of last night.
Usually black. Mourning the loss of a promising day.
Knowing nothing will taste as good, nothing will feel as good.
Defeated before I begin.
My morning coffee loses its comfort.
My first meal makes my stomach turn.
The angry voice telling me "you'll fail" is too tired to form the words.
Disappointed in me I guess, for making it too easy.
For proving it right.
When I binge I lose my light.
I don't enjoy my time with people who
in other circumstances
make me smile, laugh out loud, feel alive.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Well I made it! My first full binge free day in about a week! It feels so good!
Earlier today I posted that I was going to work solid for 2.5 hours then take some time to do something soul nourishing. Well it's a funny thing that happens when you free yourself from your To Do list! It ends up being the very thing that you WANT to do! I made myself a delicious, veggie filled omelet for supper, then got the urge to use my canned pumpkin to bake myself some healthy pumpkin bread for the week! Better yet, while it was cooking, I vacuumed my floor (THAT was on my To Do list for the week!) and then I decided to get my workout on.
Originally I had hoped to meet up with friends or family, but everyone seemed busy tonight. I'm kind of glad that getting things done ended up being just what I needed to feel some positivity today.
Oh....and my Spark friends are simply the best! Thank you everyone who made my day extra special today! I hope I get to return the favour soon.
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