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Dr Junger's Clean Program The Eve Before

Sunday, September 15, 2013

The background: I am allergic to something. I have no idea what it is. While some foods cause me minor breakouts if I have them more than a couple times a week, others cause a complete rash on my face from the neck up...like baby acne for adults. Fun. I tried the Clean program cleanse a year ago, but the reintroduction phase got lost in a trip to NYC. Pizza and cupcakes and wine...oh my! Now finally I'm trying to start again. I was doing quite well, but truthfully fell off the rails with a bunch of excuses that all let me take my eye off the prize.

My prize? Finally learning what makes my body rebel, renewed faith in my ability to stick to a goal, and deeper understanding of my emotional eating.

The caution? I've got some history with food. I was quite a binge eater, and still find myself having those cravings...the longing to dive into a large bag of chips or an overflowing bowl of chocolate still grabs me regularly. Most times it loses and I win, each victory making me feel stronger than before. I understand that restrictive programs such as Clean may trigger those feelings for me, and this is what brings me here.

I am NOT on this program to lose weight. That will be my mantra. In the mornings when I want to step on the scale. At work, when my well-intentioned coworkers tell me I'm looking good. In the dark moments when I am aware of the weight loss and want to sabotage it instead of carrying on. My goal is simply to give my body a break from the unnatural, processed, high sugar foods. To give it time to heal and start fresh. To begin to learn how certain foods cause my body to react.

So tomorrow will be day 1 of 21 and I will log on here to write about my progress. I will explain my plan tomorrow. If you happen to find me and want to come along for the ride, I'm happy to have some help and support :)


Motivation Needed

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

I recently, after about 5 weeks of MOSTly consistent eating habits and good exercise, lost 5-7 pounds and 1 full inch off my waist. In the past 7 days (give or take) I THINK I have all but erased that progress. Is that possible? Without bingeing? Can someone eat enough to erase that kind of progress without it being a binge?

Anyway, I stepped on the scale as my bloated, fully clothed self tonight and saw my scary number. A number that my bloated self wouldn't have reached on a bloated night a week ago. I take two steps forward and 7 steps back and it is SO frustrating!

I worry a lot that I'm never going to do this. When I'm doing well I feel so positive that I'm finally changing, but somehow I always end up back here with my weight back on after barely making a dent and it makes me think I'll never find peace with food.

But you know what else? I can also admit to myself that I simply wasn't trying. If I want this, I need to fight harder and I need to not stop fighting. I cannot let my guard down after a few pounds lost. I cannot let my boyfriend telling me I'm sexy and crazy for thinking otherwise make me forget that it's not so much my body that needs fixing as it is my relationship with food.

I tell you...a little bit of convincing from him that I can indulge in pizza, rum, chips, etc one night, and I'm guilt eating for a minimum 2 days (in this case, though, it's been a week!).

I'm not blaming him in any way shape or form. I'm here to tell myself that I know what I need. In my heart, I know the reason why I want to focus on good eating habits. I need to make choices based on how I feel and how I'll react once the decision is made.

I NEVER regret turning down food. Never.

I want a plan. First of all, I'm proud to say I have almost made it 30 days binge free thanks to 3 day wins. Some people might call my eating bingeing, but as off the wagon as I feel, I do not feel I have binged.

So I am continuing on with my BF streak, but I need something more. I'm going to get my school work done tonight and then I'm going to write myself a plan. And I WILL stick to my guns (as a spark friend told me to do!!) because I'm tired of letting myself down and being too easy on me!

Here goes!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHEBBA 1/1/2012 7:19AM

    Hi there! Today I decided to look through my own Blogs and came upon the one which you replied to some time ago. this, in turn, led me to this blog from you, so here I am again!

The reason for reviewing what I'd written in my own Blogs is because it's the first day of a new year, the first day of the year in which I am determined to reach my weight loss goal - but it's also the first day after that cultural excuse for eating things which are yummy but which may not help the melting of the pounds! Whilst I haven't binged, I'm conscious of the fact that I've meandered off the track here and there during Christmas. I've barely put on anything, but this learning process and gathering ability to be ruthlessly truthful to myself have made me willing to face the fact that little lapses can lead to bigger ones. And bigger ones lead to despair, guilt, blah blah blah - and that's when Satan and The POG (another blog of mine) take advantage and step in to create utter disaster! I need to re-invigorate myself, remind myself of what I felt a few weeks ago and get off my plateau.

Reading your Blog is a breath of fresh air. You KNOW the answers, you KNOW who not to blame, you KNOW what it is you want to do. And here's the news: You are unique as a person - but you are as plain darned ordinary as the rest of us when it comes to our attitudes toward food and our relationship with it!!! No unique you there, I'm afraid!!

OK, girl - you CAN do this! So can everyone reading this and your Blog! So can I - no, I AM doing this! I AM!! And I want you right here doing it with me!! So, let's change those little words like 'can' to 'am doing' or 'am succeeding'; change the slant of our words to active, positive, convincing words and phrases - this really really does work because they filter through the subconscious until we actually start responding to them! We need to grow up and be adult about all of this, and that's the same for me at 60! We need to accept and convince others that, actually, people like us CAN'T lose weight whilst not seriously choosing to limit certain foods. (Note: 'limit', not 'ban'!)

I wish you the very, very happiest of New Year's and absolutely the most successful of weight loss voyages in 2012! Be in control, be beautiful, be kind to you and your body! but, above all, BE HAPPY!

Warmly, always....


emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/1/2012 7:21:18 AM

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EBPOOKIE 12/8/2011 10:18AM

    Hot dog give yourself the credit you deserve on the binge free streak you are beautiful and successful!! I know how you feel but if there is one thing i have learned in thesefew months of binge free living that requires more of me then trying to live BF. So i'm losing very slowly half pounds vs. full pounds. Try eating the foods you like just cut your portions by 3/4 to start on your plate and try and fill up on veggies..if you can. Make that plan and try to stick to it as best as you can you are intelligent and worth every struggle you make each and everyday to make your dreams come true. Remember this your habits took a long time to build so in order to undo the bad you have to give it time. You will do it, you are learning each part of your journey when we fall we get back up we look at why and learn and adjust. You can do it!! I'm here for you

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OOLALA53 12/8/2011 7:28AM

    I think you need to give yourself more credit for being binge free at least according to your own standards. That is a feat!

I also think there has to be a way to include some of the foods you feel are ruining things. I really don't believe we need to have our guard up ALL the time. In fact, we can't. It literally is too much work. Complicated plans and premature strictness tax willpower too much. WE may feel righteous at the moment, but there can be a backlash.

You know my prejudice. Plan to have delicious, discrete meals that include at least some of our favorite foods- a moderate potion- every day, but limit only the most egregious trouble makers to fewer opportunities. And keep remembering how unpleasant it is to feel we are at the effect of food all the time. Let yourself be at the effect of food a few times a day- at meals! Then keep those gaps between eating events sacred. I really believe you will over time want less until you are closer to your body's real needs.

Enjoy your boyfriend's admiration of your body! But don't let that interfere with your desire to feel free around food. And feeling free means you can leave it as well as take it. I, too, like that you said you're never sorry for turning food down. I think you meant extra food, because you gotta eat! I also think that when you feel more relaxed around food because you have kept to reasonable limits over a period of time, you'll feel more compassion for your body. emoticon

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AAAACK 12/7/2011 11:45PM

    I love this part of your blog: I NEVER regret turning down food. Never.

And I don't know about you, but I'm going to hold onto that thought! What a GREAT way to put it. You are so smart, and I know you're probably thinking what I always think - if I'm so smart, why do I repeat this behavior?

I think that just by asking that question we can make progress. I know that in my past, when I went off the wagon (binge or just too many calories or not enough exercise), I'd stay off for MONTHS. Now, my progress is that I get right back up. I ask questions. I come to Sparkpeople. I re-read books that help me. But most of all, I'm not doing months of damage. And yes, the scale can piss you off after a week of livin it up, but the rebound time back to feeling good again is shorter and shorter as your off-wagon times get shorter.

I'm struggling like crazy ever since the Fall - since school started again. But I am taking comfort in the simple fact that while I've had some icky weigh-ins, I'm not wallowing like I used to, I'm getting right back up. And it sounds like you're in the same boat. You're right back here, blogging, coming clean, brainstorming new ideas, coming up with a new plan. Now that's some serious strength!


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SNAPDRAGON1231 12/7/2011 11:00PM

  This is part of the journey. It probably won't be the last time you fell off, or feel discouraged, but this will pass if you keep trying...then next time you start sliding you can say "I have been here before, I got through it and I can this time too."
I have heard from people who have been successful at not only losing weight but kept it off say these times come and go but get further and further apart and less intense.

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JITZUROE 12/7/2011 9:31PM

    Write that plan girl, and I will help you to it if ever needed, as you are ALWAYS there for me!

Just promise me that you will continue to not only listen to the flattering words that your boy tells you, but also to HEAR them, and GRASP that he means what he is telling you, and that he loves you. And not only in that, 'he loves you no matter what' kinda way (which can be so..... unattractive at times right?), but that he loves you in that sassy sexy hottie way - and SMILE right back at him every time to confirm that to him. OK? : )))

The other stuff will fall into place. I know it. And I don't think you have binged at all these BF days, since we truly know when we really did blow it.

Stash the scale for a bit and just work on that plan.
And, nothing crazy, ok? No zip lining to and from class to burn calories, ok? hee hee.

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Monday, November 07, 2011

I am blogging tonight to hold myself accountable to my actions. Or am I? Because I just binged tonight - no denying it - yet I am still choosing to call it Day 4 in my BF streak. Day 4 with its shiny star sticker (yes, I use stickers for each BF day) and the inconspicuous word "pass" scrawled beside it.

Sigh. Sometimes I just feel like I need to give myself a little help through the start of a new streak! But other times - and particularly tonight - I wonder if I'm setting my bar too low and expecting too little of myself. But isn't it guilt and self deprecation that leads me to bingeing? When, if not in the midst of trying to heal myself, is a better time to show myself a little kindness?

So why, then, can I not just say "day 4" and carry on my merry evening? Why must I agonize over the decision and explain to all my spark friends on my LBF message board that even though I'm calling it day 4, it was actually a big giant cheat?

Here are the positives: I have eaten extremely healthily more days than not in the last month. The scale has only moved down in the past 3 weeks. I have made it through the last two weekends with extremely healthy and happy food behaviour! That last one is a feat in itself! It's been the Mondays and Tuesdays that have been getting me!

I'm officially blabbering now. Just wanted to bore the very few people who read my blogs with my inner dialogue instead of filling up any more space on the LBF message board (they got their fair share, trust!!). And more importantly, since writing releases me from my head a little bit, I wanted to explain and get off my chest why I want to call tonight binge free.

But if it happens again tomorrow, it'll be back to day 1 for me! Forgiveness is one thing. Denial is another.


When I Binge

Saturday, October 01, 2011

When I binge I get tired walking up the stairs to my bedroom.
I dress quickly without looking down at my stomach.
I brush my teeth and wash my face, figuring "at least I can do that".
I get under the covers, convince myself tomorrow will be better.
I close my eyes, remind myself of all the times I've proved it won't be.
I wake up, blissfully unaware,
then I remember. I weaken. I berate. I deflate.
I try to find something to wear to cover the mistakes of last night.
Usually black. Mourning the loss of a promising day.
Knowing nothing will taste as good, nothing will feel as good.
Defeated before I begin.
My morning coffee loses its comfort.
My first meal makes my stomach turn.
The angry voice telling me "you'll fail" is too tired to form the words.
Disappointed in me I guess, for making it too easy.
For proving it right.

When I binge I lose my light.
I don't enjoy my time with people who
in other circumstances
make me smile, laugh out loud, feel alive.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHERRIE_BERRY 10/2/2011 12:50AM

    Good for you for writing this blog. You can come back and read this as often as it takes for you to break this cycle. I know you can do it.

Audrey Hepburn said "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says Im possible.

Much love my friend xx

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AAAACK 10/2/2011 12:29AM

    Oh, dearest spark friend! Let me start with a hug for you. emoticon
I hope that writing that honest and amazing blog helps you turn a corner and realize that you don't have to keep repeating it. That these things can go away (even if only for a few days) but only if you can forgive yourself. You need to think about what you'd tell someone you loved very much if she came to you with the same feelings. Then tell those things to yourself, because you deserve to be treated with the same care and kindness you'd extend to others! Day 1 can be a day of pure power. And maybe not all day 1s end the way you want them to, but each one can start with promise. But you have to let it. You have to let yourself laugh at yesterday and shut it up when it tries to tell you it's coming to get you again. Grab it by the throat and...or whatever other imagery does it for you. We're rooting for you, but you have to root for you, too!

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Sunday, September 18, 2011

Well I made it! My first full binge free day in about a week! It feels so good!

Earlier today I posted that I was going to work solid for 2.5 hours then take some time to do something soul nourishing. Well it's a funny thing that happens when you free yourself from your To Do list! It ends up being the very thing that you WANT to do! I made myself a delicious, veggie filled omelet for supper, then got the urge to use my canned pumpkin to bake myself some healthy pumpkin bread for the week! Better yet, while it was cooking, I vacuumed my floor (THAT was on my To Do list for the week!) and then I decided to get my workout on.

Originally I had hoped to meet up with friends or family, but everyone seemed busy tonight. I'm kind of glad that getting things done ended up being just what I needed to feel some positivity today.

Oh....and my Spark friends are simply the best! Thank you everyone who made my day extra special today! I hope I get to return the favour soon.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHERRIE_BERRY 9/19/2011 11:01PM

    I am so happy for you! I knew you could do it, and look at how well it turned out! Negative Nelly has just blossomed into a beautiful flower...yahhhhoooooo! I am so proud of you!

Sending an extra special big hug your way xx

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AAAACK 9/19/2011 6:29PM

    I'm just smiling right now at the turn around in your mood and in your bingeability! You really did it, you totally turned it around for yourself AND have a tidy house to show for it. Definitely inspiring today! And I just logged on for inspiration because my child is having a very emo day which = me having an emo day. So, instead of eating a half bag of oreos left over from a science experiment, I came here and read your very positive blog. And now I think I can go do something positive. Thanks so much!

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