Monday, December 26, 2011
Please bear with me, I am going to ramble a bit I think, but maybe this will help me and you?
Yesterday, someone close to me treated me poorly. Enough said. I am realizing that this is the biggest trigger for my binging. So, I went into I want to eat everything in the house (and the house too?) mode.
But, I had a lovely dinner planned, and thought of all the negative outcomes of binging, and did not.
What happened instead, and this is a whoa, what happened here moment, is that I had a really, really major anxiety attack. I had not had one in years!
Now, those of you who have suffered from anxiety attacks know that they are not going to kill you, but are darned unpleasant while they happen. You feel as if you will absolutely pass out, but you won't. I learned to manage mine a long time ago, without meds, through some cognitive behavioral work, and this one went away, as all the others did as well,
I am left with a bunch of questions. Clearly, the upset just had to come out, and if not in binging then it came out in anxiety symptoms.
I went to the the Spark medical information, there was no specific mention of anxiety attacks, and more relevantly, anxiety attacks associated with not binging.
So, what is worse? Anxiety raises your blood pressure to not good levels while it lasts. It is emotionally draining. Binging, aside from the immediate relief, is just not good in any way I can measure.
At this point, if I am going to have to choose, I will choose anxiety. I am going to reframe the whole experience by saying that by not binging I was able to experience my emotions, and the next, healthier step, will be managing my emotions without significant anxiety attacks.
Thanks for listening! If anyone reads this, has this happened to you? Are there resources on Spark on anxiety attacks? Maybe in the Depression section?
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Had two insights today, thought I would share, they may help others!
Those who have gotten to know my virtual self are well aware that I am a binge eater. Yecch. I am working very hard on managing this kind of eating, I am so committed to be one of the 5% I can taste it (no calories though, weak attempt at humor). I am 15 months into maintenance, up a few pounds (some of it may be added muscle but I am not kidding myself, most of it is binging!). I have been reading about binging, journaling, thinking.....
Insight number 1: For me, for now, I cannot stray from my planned eating (with the exception of an extra pack of gum). If I make just one change, or add just another 50 or 100 calories (still under the daily allowed goal) I am lost, destroyed, sunk, in a pickle, you name it. The eating will not stop. So, simple, not straying from determined plan.
Insight number 2: This goes back to my experimental psychology undergraduate degree. You know, where you use white rats and train them by reinforcement. (For everyone's information, when the term was over, I took my ratties home, made pets of them, and they lived a good life. I have had rats for pets over the years too. They are clean, smart, and cute.)
So, back to reinforcement. For me, binging feels good. Eating what I want as much as I want makes me feel really nice, until the letdown of course....
I realized today that binging is an intermittent reinforcive behavior. I don't do it on any schedule, I don't do it every day, or at a set time, or day of the week. And, if you know your psychology, behavior that is intermittently reinforced is the hardest to stop. You keep doing it with the hope at some point, some time, you will get your reinforcement.
So, for me, I have to just stop. Another dynamic is that the feel good feeling about binging, as time passes, gets forgotten, and is not so tempting. Also I get to deal with my real problems, not just stuff them with food.
Actually, then, this gets kind of easy. No decision making needed. No eating off plan, even a bit, which will lead to no binging which will put to rest the pesky intermittent reinforcement of the whole thing.
Will I mess up from time to time? You betcha! But I think these concepts will stand me in good stead. I hope there is at least one other sparkperson out there who can get some benefit also!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
This is so like me....
Thursday last week I was making chili. We use canned kidney beans.
So, I was cleaning out the cans preparing them to put in the recycling, when RIPPPPPP!!!!! right across the top of my right hand thumb, a two inch slash from a rough edge on one of the lids.
It bled, a lot, had to apply pressure to stop it. And of course, bending the thumb (cut right across the thumb knuckle) was painful to say the least. I will stop with the detail, kind of graphic.
So, the above led to no guitar work for a couple of days.
I am now bandage free and can bend the darn thing with little or no pain.
Think I will go and play my music!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
If you have been following my friend feed, you will see day after day of string changing, and tuning, and tuning, and tuning...thought I would say a bit more. Non-musicians, feel free to skip this one, but, you might find it interesting.
The really nice things about guitar strings are that they are the one disposable you have on a guitar. After taking a deep breath and putting out many dollars for your guitars, you think twice about trading, or selling. And if you've chosen right you don't want to. But strings, ah, there you can experiment and have a bit of fun.
Now, one of my guitar teachers once said that all strings are made in the same factory and are just put into different wrappers. Can you believe this? It may be true, but he was kind of cynical, and had long hair, so I try to take the comment with a grain of salt. It would break my heart if true.
Now, strings for classical guitars are typically called "nylon strings." Three of the set of six are actually nylon, and three are metal wound around a multiple thread core. At least that's the way it used to be. There are newer developments, such as composite strings, and graphite strings, but I am kind of traditional and stick to just plain nylon.
Now, nylon strings, especially the ones that are actually nylon, stretch. And stretch. And stretch. and ssssttttrrrreeeetttccchhhhh. They can go down a half tone in a matter of seconds after being tuned up when they are new.
So, you never, never, never change strings just before a lesson. Or even worse, just before a public playing or performance. You change strings about a week before any of these occasions, and spend time tuning, and tuning, and tuning.....
The thing is, brand new nylon strings sound phenomenal. They sound the best they will ever sound during their life on your guitar. But you can't really enjoy them, because you are tuning, and tuning, and tuning....
And then comes a time, oh, just about a week after stringing to maybe two weeks after stringing. This is the sweet spot. This is when the darn things are staying in tune long enough to actually play music on, and are still sounding almost as good as brand new.
I am approaching the sweet spot on both my Yamahas.
And smiling about it.
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
Did I happen to mention that I kept up?
So, I was in downtown Toronto today for a meeting. The office where the meeting was held is about a five block (long blocks) walk from the train station.
Walking to the meeting, I was by myself.
Walking from the meeting, now, that was another story.....
I have never really kept up. My brothers used to walk me to school and I remember having to run to keep up with them, they saw no need to slow down....
Later, I still had problems. Because of my short stature and my correspondingly short legs. Because of my excess weight. Because the other people seemed to be walking a gazillion miles an hour..... Even when I was getting exercise with treadmilling, I could not keep up!
Then came Sparkpeople and my handy dandy fitbit. All of a sudden I realized that I would get more SparkPoints by treadmilling faster. And the handy dandy fitbit is incredibly accurate in measuring mileage and steps. So I gradually built up my mph on the treadmill....
Back to today. I walked to the train station with two female colleagues.
Both were a decade or two younger.
Both were significantly taller than me...heck, just about everyone is significantly taller than me...
Neither was overweight.
AND I KEPT UP!
Technical note--I was wearing my ridiculously expensive MBT boots, so had the power of that technology behind me (or should I say under me). One colleague was in flats and another in low heels.
But, I was carrying a heavy briefcase with computer inside, and they weren't, so that kind of leveled the playing field.
It was easy to keep up. In fact, I had to slow down a bit a few times (imagine Ode to Joy in the background) so the colleague in heels could keep up. HA! SHE COULDN'T KEEP UP WITH ME!
Isn't that something?
Thanks Sparkpeople, fitbit, and MBT's!
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