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Wednesday, March 12, 2008


haha - well to ay i worked hard at the gym - my heartrate was high, but i also felt the high of the work out and it felt good - my mom and i then took a dip in the hot tub to ease those aching muscled and then in the steam room (sooo not my thing) and left the gym refreshed and energized - it was great - we did a little easter shopping and then i can home for lunch and a nap. it was a good day - still struggling with food being loud and i question if i'm eating too much - but i hope and pray god leads me on the path i need to be on - and i'm so grateful he prompted my mom t use a little tough love (i use that term loosely) - i'm back to work tomorrow - and i think i need to read my poems to focus on just for today, staying positive and living today, not yesterday or tomorrow - the rose coloured glasses leave and the cravings start and i question why i can't eat treats like they do on tv, or like those eating at mcdonalds - but then i remind myself that those foods that have been created and processed to death aren't food - they leave no nurishment in my body and i don't eat to fill my body but to nurish it - feeling totally low today, but i guess i'll crawl into bed soon enough - breakfats and lunch are ready for tomorrow and i'm happy to say good night - and god bless...

  
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MEGNEM 3/13/2008 4:15PM

    What an amazing time we had together! I'll remember it for a long time! It was nice not to rush in, workout, then rush out again. I'm really proud of you for what you did today - not just the exercise, but making the choice to do it. It took a strong will and a LOT of maturity! Kudos!

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ZIRCADIA 3/12/2008 10:12PM

    I've been thinking about checking out the "eating clean diet" it seems to operate on the whole NOT PROCESSED FOODS idea. I don't really know anything about it but reading your entry reminded me I intend to look at it. :) Anyway. I'm glad you accomplished your goals for today and got that workout in! GO YOU!

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anger, fear, resentment, fatigue...a really hard day...

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


hahaha - couldn't help adding this pic mom - it's so me talking to you tonight - here i ask for help and when you offer it when i really need it i take it and get so mad - you were so kind to go against what you knew would make me happy and spoke the truth - i so wanted to go and have fun tomorrow, but the gym was the plan for tomorrow - and that's that - and i need to go to the gym...cuz i need to be brought back to it being my most important goal/role...there will be time to go up north with my friend - another day...but not tomorrow...all day my food has been yelling, screaming, haunting me - driving me near tears and i could just scream right back - i want to throw plates...and stomp around and throw a tempertantrum and kick my feet and yell and tell everyone it's not fair - but then i return - as i write this and remind myself that this commitment - that this day i've committed to will begin and it will end and i have succeeded...maybe not perfectly, but i have succeeded in ways i didn't think were possible yesterday - and even though i sooooo didn't want to write tonight i knew that it was the most important thing i needed to do - get it out - cuz i do want to be healthy - i do want to see 14 days of "abstinance from bingeing" and know that i couldn't have done it with out all of you and him...and pray with all my heart to keep going and offer my greatest thanks for all the little angels that found there ways into my day - ok - took a couple of chill pills and am going to bed - praying that tomorrow will once again be the best day of my life - and yours - god bless...

  
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ZIRCADIA 3/12/2008 7:59PM

    YAY! I'm proud of you for recognizing what you NEED and prioritizing it over what you WANT right now. That takes a lot of guts. *HUGS* And thank you for the lovely flowers!!! :D

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MEGNEM 3/11/2008 11:07PM

    I think I was saying what I thought WOULD make you happy. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even next week...but eventually...when you're comfortable within your body and as healthy as you ever dreamed possible. I'm glad you understand that I wasn't trying to be mean or make your day miserable, I just love you SOOO much and want you to have your dreams come true. It's been a very hard day for you and I'm glad you realize that you were very successful! Fighting demons is harder than an enemy outside your body - at least with someone else involved, you know which side you're really on LOL! Oh ya, and...weren't you listening when you were little - who ever said life was fair LMGO!! You have a good sleep - sleep the sleep of the righteous - you earned it today!

Thank you, God, for holding her in your hand today and keeping her safe. Please wrap her in your love tomorrow and let her feel your strength. Amen

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winter storm

Saturday, March 08, 2008


what a nightmare of a drive home - the snow that has fallen today is more than we've probably had in years and after a 12 hr shift getting my car out of the parking lot at work was just terrible - but i did it - and then getting home (some road plowed, some partially and some not a t all) was so scarey - the snow taking control of the tires and spinning through three lanes on the highway - luckily few were on the road and i was going 30/40km/hr so i made it home safe - fishtailing a few times - and then getting stuck - REALLY STUCH trying to get up the driveway - good god the snow was so deep it was too deep to drive over and i had to walk over the snow to loosen it - knee deep, literally - but my car is safe and sound in the garage and assuming the plows arrive i'll be able to get out for the drive into work tomorrow am - not thrilled that we spring forard tonight - lol - but i'll survie - only have an 8hr day tomorrow so that's a bonus - and they say the snow will stop around midnight so that's a blessing - the cravings to binge were pretty strong when i got home - the stress of the drive probably trigger it - but i ate my planned meal and feel satisfied and have made it through another day - thank you god!!! a true miracle - honestly!!! so off to bed - may you all get home thru this terrible storm, safe and sound - god bless...

  
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MEGNEM 3/9/2008 7:59AM

    Great job - both on the food and (especially!) on the successful arrival home last night! I know how treacherous it was and what a strong will, steady hand and nerves of iron it took to accomplish it - so kudos to you and all the other drivers who braved and beat the storm last night! For those who had to abandon their cars and/or plans - I'm sorry. I hope today is better for you.
I really like what the other person said - about not quitting and it being like fish-tailing down the highway! What a good analogy! Just keep on moving, sometimes slow, sometimes a little faster - and you get where you're going, right? I hope today is much easier on you both physically and mentally! A well earned, yet shorter sleep!

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JIBBIE49 3/8/2008 11:38PM

    Sorry you had to deal with such a terrible storm, and here I'm in Pensacola, Florida gripping about it being 32 degrees tonight and my son, ADAM is out at Catholic High's Prom.
I bought 6 videos by Kathy Smith at the thrift store today for $1 each, so I'm going to try them. Can't quit. Just have to move along, like you fish-tailing down the highway.....kept on moving.


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friday...another great day....

Friday, March 07, 2008


well - can you believe it? it's been 11 glorious days and i'm still living 1 day at a time - when was the last time i felt so free - i must confess - i'm scared...scared that i won't be able to or won't want to do it tomorrow - and i try so hard to focus on today andliving just for today cuz i didn't know how i'd deal with today ysterday - and tomorrow is just as overwhelming, but today...well it almost seem too easy...and i did it organized and it seemed like - am i eating too much cuz i'm just not hungry!!! i'm staying within calorie range pretty much - lathough at the high end - why is it i feel like it has to be hard to work??!! just for today i can do it - do something that would seem impossible if i ha dto do it for a lifetime - but today i can do it!!! wanted a chip when i coworker was eating them today - but i didn't - not even close - and i am so grateful to god for letting me let go and let him get thru it - it's a crazy winter storm tonight and i hope you're all safe at home - stay warm, stay safe and god bless...

  
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MEGNEM 3/8/2008 9:15AM

    I'm glad it's not as hard as you remember it being and it certainly doesn't mean it's not working. More likely, it means it is - if you were eating or doing things that were not part of your plan you'd be going to bed feeling that awful guilt - and you're not! So I guess you're just really good at letting go and letting God - and He's really good at His part, too! Enjoy your success - even if all that means right now is not feeling guilty. Soon the scale and your blood work will reward you, too.

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pms-ing

Thursday, March 06, 2008


well - another successful day - although my cal were over - i stayed on my food plan - well, actually i stayed on the high end, but well in control - added s/f peanut butter to my dinner desert - so had apple with pb - figured the no sugar stuff was safe - and it was - so didn't enjoy it - actually added it as my dinner was low in protein - but i'm stuffed - worked today and i tell ya - the weekend feel s a whole lot more manageable when i do it one day at a time - such a simple saying but such a huge impact on my life - can't believe it!!! have a headache but pretty sure is pms - avoiding popping tylenol - just feel like "cleansing" myself and like it plugs me up - so nice to hear from you dana!!! my inspiration!!! well - feeling down, but handleing it - gonna go read my poems and inspier myself - lol - then crawl into bed so i can be well rested for yet another "best day of my life" - god bless...

  
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ZIRCADIA 3/7/2008 8:37PM

    You are doing GREAT! :) You should be proud of yourself for your achievements in staying on plan, listening to your body (that headache), adding in extra protein. :) Glad you're around! *HUGS*

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MEGNEM 3/7/2008 7:31AM

    The "one day at a time" and the "best day of my life" work! They're amazing - just like you! It's so true that your attitude forms the basis for your own day, outlook, success...everything! Thanks for the inspiration - and the reminder! Great job on your food!

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WYOKATHERINE 3/6/2008 9:40PM

    You have a great attitude. I hope you have a restful night and will be ready for whatever the day has to hold. I know about PMSing I start craving chocolate. Somebody should outlaw the stuff. Great job.

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