Tuesday, May 06, 2008
There are times I'm so tempted to deny that I use food when I'm anxious, sad, lonely, just looking for a pick-me-up.
I binged, yesterday. I had somewhere to go in the evening that I was nervous about.
I stopped for a moment and said to myself, "I can stop. Right now."
And then I said to myself, "I need this." And I binged.
Wow. I think I'm still in shock that I said that to myself. And guess what? I feel awful about the binge today. I feel depressed, lonely, angry.
I know I just have to pick up and dust off and start another streak. I can't avoid situations that make me nervous, but I can learn to deal more productively with my nerves. I should figure out what I want to do the next time I feel lonely... the next time I feel anxious...
It might just be that I have to pick up and get away from the fridge. Immediately. Out of the house. There's a nice, quiet park bench on the edge of the woods... or there's a path into the woods nearby. Some places are special like that.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
I think I stopped a binge. I did over-eat, but that's so different from binge-eating. Tonight, I conciously said to myself, "I am working so hard. I will be miserable if I let myself binge. What can I do to stop this?"
I *think* the answer was to sit down with some tea. So far it's working and if I'm aware enough to be talking about it, I think I'm OK. My binges are like I'm on 'autopilot.'
Binge-eating is a habit. I've broken the cycle for now. I don't know how long I've been without a binge, but I expect that the buddy-system is working for me (THANK YOU, BUDDY!). I feel motivated.
When I exercise, I feel so alive. So alive!
And today was day 6 in an exercise-streak... I really, honestly only believed it would last for two, maybe three days, tops! I think I'm starting to understand how it can become a lifestyle. It doesn't have to be the same walking program every night... it doesn't have to be 30 minutes ON*THE*DOT*... It can be what you feel like doing, as long as you move. It can be stretching, strength training, walking, biking, swimming, dancing, playing sports, yoga, pilates, t'ai chi... you name it! What did you used to enjoy as a child and how can you recapture a little piece of it?
Have we forgotten how to play?
Or even worse... have we forgotten how to enjoy life?
I had a talk with the minister yesterday. I've been tied up in knots about fibromyalgia -- how nobody understands chronic pain and chronic fatigue unless they have it. And it was so, so freeing to talk about it in plain honesty and pray about it... I get tied up in my little knots inside and go around in circles and don't let go when sometimes, I just need someone to talk to. And as for the fibromyalgia... Guess what? I'm taking good care of myself and I'm WINNING! I've had a lot of 'good days' lately and I'm going to have my share of 'bad days' with this thing -- but I have to take care of myself and talk it out when I need to. And pray. Yes, I'm learning to pray when I'm frustrated with something. Praying is an action -- not an inaction.
I'm finding so much joy in life right now. I went out for a walk in the woods today. I followed a bird who was making a call I wasn't familiar with to see what type of bird it was. I headed off the main trail -- it was freeing. I felt hidden from the hustle and bustle of the world and completely at leisure. I headed back to the world, but decided to pause on a park bench on the fringe of the wooded area and sit and read a chapter of a humorous book.
That's life, folks. That's what it's about for me, anyhow. What about you?
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I'm on a 2-day streak with my aerobic exercise! I did 25 minutes yesterday and 25 minutes today of just walking in place.
I listened to my body and stopped when I felt it was time. This is really a big deal for me! :) I should sleep well tonight, too. Exercise naturally helps my sleep in a big way!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I'm reading a great book that I'll recommend to any with fibromyalgia. It's very insightful. It's called "A Patient-Expert Walks You Through Everything You Need to Learn and Do - The First Year: Fibromyalgia - An Essential Guide for the Newly Diagnosed" by Claudia Craig Marek. I expect it can be found just by searching "The First Year: Fibromyalgia" which is the title on the book spine.
There are really so many insightful quotes from this book that I wish I had the time/energy to type up and share, but I expect I'm just better off promising to re-read the book.
One particularly pertinent suggestion for me is to stop worrying about the future. This is hard for me... and I hope it's not impossible. When I'm not in the midst of brain-fog, my mind is whirling -- from everything from what am I going to eat for dinner to what happens if this fibromyalgia leaves me unable to work. Too often, I worry about what others think of me, or even if they believe me.
A lot of my stress is internal and comes from high expectations of myself and others. A lot of it comes from my fear of not being in control of situations. I always feel like I have to be "on top of things" and that's not necessarily the case. I also have to deal with negative thought patterns. Another tendency of mine is that I often get my hands into things that I really don't have the energy to deal with and which I don't have to involve myself.
I only have so much energy. Why should I waste it on worrying?
I really can't think of any way to stop worrying other than distracting myself. For some reason it seems like worry is "automatic" for me. So, what can I do to "de-rail the worry-train?" During the day at work, I could distract myself with tasks, go for a walk at lunchtime, stretch and give myself a little massage (usually my neck gets really tight), take a moment to distract myself with pleasant thoughts...
At home, I can do yoga, t'ai chi, meditation, go for a walk, do physical therapy, watch a good movie or a show, take a hot bath, call my family or a friend... sometimes I just need to get away from the computer for awhile so that I take better care of myself.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I got this list from Jadzeamay who got it from JFBRADS56 of fibromyalgia symptoms that she compiled from various books. I wanted to keep this as a reminder to myself that if something strange is going on, to check to see if it could be a fibromyalgia issue. Fortunately, my symptoms are not nearly this diverse (mostly pain, fatigue, sleep-related).
CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM SYMPTOMS
? dragging fatigue that worsens as the day goes by
? exhaustion at the end of the day
? irritability, nervousness, and anxiety
? depression, apathy
? impaired memory and concentration (fibro fog)
? headaches, migraines
? insomnia (difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or falling back asleep)
? non-restorative sleep (waking up unrefreshed)
? sensitivity to light, smell,. and sounds
? chemical sensitivities
? pain most often in the back (upper and lower including neck, shoulders, and buttocks), in the arms (wrists, elbows, shoulders), hips, legs, thighs, knees, ankles, feet, and chest wall
? pain described as throbbing, burning, stabbing, stinging, grabbing, with intensity that varies from hour to hour and can increase with cold or damp weather, anxiety, stress, and activity
? being able to predict a change on weather by an increase in certain symptoms
? muscle spasms and cramps
? widespread stiffness in muscles, tendons, and ligaments
? pain typically worse in the morning and may improve somewhat during the day, but will return in the evening
? numbness of the extremities or face
? diffuse pelvic pain
? chest wall pain (chostocondritis)
? Temporomandibular joint pain, facial and head pain originating in the neck area
? feelings like electrical impulses in the muscles
? restless legs
? feeling of general weakness often described as ?poor stamina?
? joint hypermobility
? plantar arch or heel pain
? Irritable bowel syndrome
? gas pain, bloating, and constipation
? crampy abdominal pain that can be intense and unpredictable
? vulvar vestibulitis
? vaginal spasms or cramps
? burning discharge
? increased menstrual and uterine cramps
? dyspareunia (painful intercourse)
? bladder pain
? recurrent bladder infections
? interstitial cystitis
? dark, pungent urine that burns
? crawling feelings
? itching, scaly patches
? rashes (many varieties) in strange patches
? small areas of pimples occur
? perspiration that is pungent and irritates the skin
? sensitive allergic skin
? dermatographia is fairly common
? Raynaud?s syndrome
? excessive nasal congestion and mucus or post nasal drip
? brittle nails, inferior hair quality
? scalded or metallic mouth sensations
? bitter (sometimes even salty) taste in mouth
? eye irritation, or blurring, burning eyes
? ringing in the ears or popping sounds
? vertigo, dizziness
? low frequency hearing loss
? heart palpitations
? non-cardiac chest pain
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