Sunday, April 10, 2011
**WARNING** this blog may contain profanity and ranting and raving. Spake people will do their job to protect you from my filthy mouth but I will do my best to still get it out there ;) **WARNING**
Also if you are triggered by mention of specific foods, more specifically fast food then please stop reading now. This concludes the Parental and Spoiler portion of this blog.
Ah what a weekend. Its spring time in Maine, the suns shining, its in the 50's here the flowers are starting to bloom it is indeed a glorious day.
Which is in stark contrast to the previous 2 days *chuckles*
The drive-thru and I are old friends, or acquittance to be sure. He supplies me with my drugs and I pay him for said drugs. Now It used to be common place for me to drive-thru the golden arches and order 4 mcdoubles. Now they pack ABOUT a 400 calories punch per burger so you do the math. It does not matter if I already ate or even if I was hungry, I f***ing WANTED IT and I WANTED IT NOW.
I would actually have internal dialog and battles with myself
ME: "don't turn down that street, just go home, you don't need it"
ANTI ME: "I want it I am going and I don't give a s*** what you say"
So I would drive around while I fought it out with myself, and the internal struggle became a physical manifestation that got to painful and finally I gave in. The only thing I can liken it too is trying to quit smoking and wanting a smoke so f***ing bad you might punch your own mother in the face to get it. If you have never smoked you might not understand, and even if you do smoke maybe your not that violent *chuckles* but you should understand the urge.
If you have any other addictions like drugs, or alcohol, or sex or gambling or farmville (rolls my eyes but I cannot put them down) The point is that need over rides common sense and will power and motivation and everything else in your life until you get that sweet fix you so desperately crave.
Now I do not drink, nor do I do drugs, I have done both of these things in my life and amazingly enough they have never became problems because in ever gained enjoyment out of them, they never dulled the pain like food does. I did have a slight scuffle with scratch off lottery tickets for a time but that seems to be well in hand and a non issue. I do buy them from time to time but i no longer blow $50 in hopes of hitting it big (shakes my head)
For those of you who have never had one of the above addictions I am truly happy for you but you probably won't understand what is going on here and thats ok but just because you don't understand it doesn't mean its not real for many of us.
So we are back to that I GOTTA HAVE IT OR I WILL KILL SOMEONE NOW craving.
and 9 times out of 10 I give in. Now sometimes I have pulled into the drive-thru and at the last minute veered off and left, I cannot tell you why or how it happened, I just know it happens.
and that gives me hope that one day by the grace of God ( by this point you should all know I am not religious but I am spiritual, whatever God you may or may not worship is your own business I don't judge you and don't need you judging me, maybe i will go to hell because i don't believe what I "should" thats ok I should have some good company)
I do believe in a higher power and that works for me and whatever works for you rock on.
So I have i guess you could say I have faith that I can overcome this with a power greater than myself.
This was not the case on this Friday last however. I had not been in a drive thru for a LOONNNNG time, its like a alcoholic if you want to stay sober you stay the hell out of a bar
, like wise the drive-thru is my bar. So I find myself driving along with that feeling creeping up my spine and the car pointed in the direction of Mcdonalds. I pulled in and got dammit there were 3 cars in LINE!!! I was pissed so I avoided it and left. At this point I am feeling a little good about myself and patting myself on the back for avoiding it.
Now I needed a garden hose, Now Mardens which is a discount store of sorts is in the parking lot directly next door to Mcdonalds, and a piece of vital info to share is that burger king also resides in said parking lot directly next to Mardens, I could hit Mardens with a cheese burger from burger king and I throw like a girl, so there is your visual.
Needless to say I powered into that drive through and order that got damn Triple Whoper with cheese meal and a coke, I am diabetic but we are going for broke today.
So I get my drugs and park at mardens, I drag out the glorious fat grease soaked dripping burger and I take my first bite and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH there it is, like s junkie shooting up that bliss falls over me. So now I am stuffing my face and looking around like a mad man to see if anyone is watching me stuff my face. you would think I was a junkie and I was shooting actual drugs, I would take a bite, look around wildly, take another bite, look around as the mayo and condiments dripped from my face to my shirt.
now people were walking around doing there business, if they got too close I would stop chewing, look the other way and hide my sandwich till they walked on by, GOD FORBID someone should see the fat guy stuffing his face with burger king LIKE HE REALLY NEEDS IT!!! those are the thoughts I THINK they are thinking, which really is my own shame projecting out because i know I am doing something so unhealthy and killing myself.
So I finish up my "lunch" my 1670 calorie lunch I might add and went about my way, the best part? I didn't even buy the stupid hose I was there for.
So Saturday comes along. The first half of the day was not pretty but i manged to get through it. I could have made better choices but I didn't but I could have made worse choices and I didn't.
I failed to plan so I planned to fail that day. I leave about 6pm and head to a friends house to watch a movie. All the while I am sitting there thinking about how good burger king would taste, I thought about it, fantasized about it, salivated about it. I did this for about 4 hours or so give or take and I left. Now the internal struggle begings
ME: just go the hell home
ANTI ME: Well you haven't had supper maybe 2 burgers would be ok (which was starting to make some actual sense, it wasn't a healthy choice but it would be my meal)
so we go back and forth with that nonsense till I end up in the burger king drive you AGAIN.
I order up 3 buck doubles and 3 buck doubles no pickle. "I'm sorry sir we don't have those anymore"
Oh well thanks, when really I was using every profanity laced word I could think of in my mind, I was pissed and sped off.
Well as we recall from our geography lesson, the golden arches is almost always open and Ronald is always holding and ready to deal.
So into the next drive-thru we go. I get to the speaker and order: 3 mcdoubles and 3 mcdoubles with no pickle, oh and can you put those in a separate bags please.
Now I do have a method to my madness, see I ask for some with no pickle and separate bags so the unsuspecting drive-thru people cannot guess that really I am going to eat all 6 of those things and not share them with anyone. but HA HA I fooled them, I am buying for at least another person and not really being a disgusting glutton.
Doesn't matter that I know the truth all I care about is getting my damn burgers.
Do I drive away putting the bags far across the car so the drive-thru girl doesn't think I am going to start eating them right way, at least not for 20 or 30 feet until I get away from the window and start shoveling them into my face like they are going to expire or explode in the next 30 seconds.
So I plow through 3 of them in about 2-3 minutes, I have gotten pretty good at stuffing my face. I get home and share part of one with the dog because well he likes greasy crap food as well. Now I didn't share alot with him because that would cut into ME time.
Suffice to say I finished off the other 3 burgers, despite my promise to eat them "tomorrow"
Despite the slightly humors tone in which i write there is not a got dang thing funny about this. Its sad and shameful and embarrassing as f*** Normally I would just keep it to myself and go on with no one ever being the wiser. Which again is just me fooling myself, weighing in at almost 490 pounds I am pretty sure everyone who see's me can figure out something is up, and trust me black is NOT sliming in my case.
So I let it out and share it, I do this because I want to let anyone else reading this who may be going through the same thing that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I struggle with this s*** everyday of my life and I will struggle with this until the day that I die, which I hope is not soon *knock on wood*
Your not insane, you are not a freak, you are not alone. We are sick, AA says that alcoholics have an allergy to alcohol. Most "normal" people can drink and stop when they have had enough, I can do that but I don't really like to drink to begin with. But an alcoholic does not posses the power to stop, he cannot just "put it down" he cannot just sober up and drink responsibly.
That is how I am with food. I cannot order a large pizza and take it home and not eat the whole damn thing. I cannot cook a pot of spaghetti and not eat the whole damn thing over the course of the evening.
Basically anything around me in bulk is dangerous, well except brocolli because thats just nasty!!
I do not have the stop button inside of me that turns off when I am full, I do not have that inner power to say ENOUGH. I have a problem, I am weak and its not something I can ever fix on my own so for me I look to a power greater than myself to set me free from my prison.
We are all broken in someway inside. At some point in our lives something happened, and we cannot deal with the painful emotions that life throws at us day in and day out, so we stuff those feelings down with food, or alcohol, or sex or drugs or whatever it takes to dull the pain so we do not have to feel it, so we do not have to hurt.
I've got painful news for you guys, life IS suffering, life is pain, it something we all must deal with everyday of our lives. Some of you might be well adjusted enough that you CAN deal with it without resorting to a "drug of choice" and I am happy for you that you are spared it.
The rest of us are not so lucky and must dwell in a painful existence day in and day out.
But we do not need to stay there, we can claw and fight and kick and scream, and cry and curse and pull ourselves out of the darkness. It won't be easy and we will fail a 1000 times before we finally use up the little strength we have left and we pull ourselves back into the light.
It will be the hardest most painful, excruciating thing we will ever do in our lives, but the prize, on the prize is so sweet, FREEDOM. Freedom from the self imposed prison that we have locked ourselves in, to break free of the chains that have held us down for so very long.
I don't care if you weight 1000 pounds and you have hit the drive-thru everyday for the last year, it doesn't mean s***!!!! Its in the past, you cannot do anything about it, it cannot be changed. ITS DONE...the book is closed. All you can do is focus on today, focus minute by minute if you have to, if you make a mistake who the f*** cares, learn from it and move on. you might make the same mistake 1000 times, I do..every single frigging day I make the same mistakes over and over again. but I won't quit, I refuse to bow down and surrender to my disease, I will surrender to my higher power.
I have days I don't want to get out of bed, I have days that i wish I would just go to sleep and not wake up. Not that I want to die because i do want to live, but i am so got damn weary of the fight. I am so weary of the weight that literally drags me down. I am so weary of being ashamed of what i have let happen to myself.
I deserve to live a happy healthy life, I deserve much more than what I have. I am grateful for what I have because there are people out there who have less than what i have. Despite my troubles and health problems it could be worse and i have to remind myself that everyday because I slip into pool of thick dark self pity and it drags me down and fills my mouth and my nostrils and it drowns me and just as I am about to pass out it lets my head come up for air and then it pushes me back down again.
I am F***ING TIRED OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!! Yet I do not get up everyday and throw 1000% of what I have into it. Some days are good and some days are bad. I have to be thankful for the good days and let the bad days go, taking the lesson from them but not letting them drag me deeper into the mire.
I write this for me, to be honest and keep myself accountable. To let my story be heard so maybe some of you will know you are not alone in this fight even though it feels like you are the last person on earth and no one else could ever understand. I do. I live it, breath it, fight it everyday.
I will be honest it seems like most days I fail, I lose ground, i feel like giving up, but I am still here, still fighting so I have not lost yet, and I will not fail until the day comes I utterly give up.
Being here, posting stuff, running my face is my way of keeping me active in the fight. Some people say they enjoy what I read and wish they had the courage to write stuff as well. DO IT!!! who gives a s*** what people think, I admit its partly an ego rush when people respond to the things I write, but I work so hard everyday to keep that in check because I don't do this for glory or accolades, I do this to help myself get better, and if by some rare chance it helps someone else in the process then I can feel good about that, I cannot take credit for it because THEY are the ones doing the work and helping themselves but i can feel good that I helped another human being in some way.
So let your freak flag fly, let your voice be heard. Try to let other people think and say whatever they want, its their right just as it is yours and mine to run our faces.
We only get to ride this ride once you might was well make it count ;) Get out there and do something, do anything who cares if no one else approves of it, who cares if people think your crazy. Some of the most famous people in history who helped shape civilization and who's works still carry on today were thought to be insane by the people of their times, but they didn't care they walked outside the box and did what they wanted what they had to. This is what we must do, we need to live.
To quote BraveHeart: All men die. Not all men really live
And to quote one of my favorite all time movies Second Hand Lions:
Sheik's Great Grandson: So, these two men from your grandfather's stories, they really lived?
Adult Walter: [wistfully] Yeah, they REALLY lived...
Ill leave you with this other great quote from the same movie
Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.
PS: Its your life, live it anyway YOU want, because as always the choice is YOURS
Sunday, April 10, 2011
meh I am not sure why I am posting this one it almost has less usefull info that most. However I am not posting this for my own entertainment so on the chance it means something to someone else here it is.
All these people and websites and products and books and CRAP tell us how to lose weight, its NO rocket science, well it might be some kind of science but I am 99.9% sure there are no rockets involved.
You need to spend more fuel out than you are taking in if you don't you will not lose weight and probably gain weight.
The simplistic bottom line is weight loss is 2 simple facts.
1. Diet and I do not mean weight watchers, grapefruit, atkins diet I mean it in the truest sence of the word such as:
1. food and drink considered in terms of its qualities, composition, and its effects on health: Milk is a wholesome article of diet.
2. a particular selection of food, especially as designed or prescribed to improve a person's physical condition or to prevent or treat a disease: a diet low in sugar.
I am NOT talking about the other stuff above, which if it works for you God bless and rock on.
So we have
#1. Diet (followed quickly by #2)
drum roll please
THATS IT, its SIMPLE..........but its FAR from easy. If it were easy there would be no need for this website.
Those 2 things are all you need to lose weight, hmm if thats the case why are we all here? Because are missing a few tools in the ole tool box
1. SUPPORT: Unless we are the odd person out (which if you are GREAT) who does not need any support and they find the strength and dig deep down to pull it out, unless we are them, we need support
(Yes I am aware I do slaughter the rules of grammar part of it is lack of proper education and the other part is I don't care so it doesn't get in the way of my message) Incidently I do not mean to imply anyone who doesn't need support is odd, I just mean you are the exception to the rule :)
2. Education/Information: They say knowledge is power and its truer here than anywhere else. Granted most of us, well I know I am mostly a little lazy when it comes to educating myself as much as I need to. You really need to become a food detective, be a wiz at scanning lables in the store till it becomes 2nd nature and just know what you are shoveling into your mouth. Alot of work goes into this, the great thing is once you get it all down it becomes less work and more part of the routine. But most of us abhor the work so we will pay someone else to tell us what to do, its ridiculous WE can do the work and not pay anyone a friggin cent to tell us how to eat, well thats not entirely true a dietian yes, some group dispensing meals, eh not my cup of tea, works for you? great. rock on :)
3. Planning and structure: If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail. I cannot take credit for that little gem as I did not write it
but it holds a weath of information and its my biggest struggle right now.
I SHOULD have a meal plain done EVERYDAY. I should know what I am eating, when I am eating and how much I am eating. Being the ego maniac and slightly lazy b*****d that I am I do not have what I need.
Actually I think only about 1% of it is laziness believe it or not. I think a large part of it is fear, why? I have no idea. Fear of change I guess, because by doing this one simple thing. Creating and following a meal plan 1 day at a time the landscape of my life will change 1000% maybe that scares the crap out of me because this is all I have ever known. Maybe the dark side of me, the food addict, the compulsive over eater, the eating disorder side knows its the death bell tolling and its fighting for its life so it can keep killing mine. I don't know the answer I just know planning and structure are KEY, I have not gotten there yet but I know in my heart they are a cruicial part of the program.
Ok I think I am out of steam after that so to recap
1. Proper diet
B. Education/information (arm yourself to the teeth)
I am sure there are more things but those first 2 things followed by the powerful 3 follow up supports can tear a path of ritchoues chaos through our lives that will restore balance and harmony and bring us back to the level of health and the quality of life that we deserve.
If you don't agree thats all right, I really don't care. I mean I care about you on a human level and I hope nothing but the best for you but aside from that I could care less. You do your thing I will do mine and God willing we will see each other on the other side of this battle with the gift of health
PS: What this article should have said is:
3 Reasons you are not losing weight
1. You are not eating a proper diet if you were you would probably be closer to your goals and more healthy
2. You are not getting enough exercise, if you were you would probably closer to your goals and more healthy
3. You have not armed yourself properly for the battle, because if you had the right tools you would probably be closer to your goals and more healthy.
Again its simple (not easy) but simple.
Anyone out there like me who is heavy ( and I am really heavy) If you are not losing weight and are sitting there scratching your head like I am going "I have no idea whats going on" I am eating right, I am exercising and nothing is happening.
I hate to break it to you because I hated to admit it to myself, but we are bulls****ing each other. OH NO not me, oh really? *chuckles* trust me its true. If I was eating properly and doing even half the exercise I should be or could be doing the weight would be dropping off me, melting away like magic. Unless we have some rare diagnosis from the Dr (which I don't) the bottom line is we are not putting enough into this, you might think you are but deep down you know the truth just as much as I know it deep in myself.
You can sit there and fool yourself all you want, it makes no difference to me, hopefully it pissed some of you off and you sit back and think and take some action, or hide your head in the sand it makes no difference to me, it effects my life not one bit. I wish with all my heart that everyone can be free of this dreadful weight that drags us down and keeps us from living the life we are meant to live, but its our own private prison and only we hold the key.
God bless the Eagles because truer words were never spoken
"So often time it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key" --The Eagles (already gone)
Great tune, this little gem is about minute mark 2:37 into the song
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I should start off saying I DO NOT condone counting calories (personally) what you want to do is your business and I do not judge or look down on you because of it.
Through my own personal experience and what I have learned in various programs counting calories can go from being a tool to being part of our deadly problem really quickly.
That being said I am still posting this article *chuckles*
I think this has some valid info, every little...hmm I don't want to call them tips or tricks I don't believe in that, short cuts won't get us anywhere, so for we will call them aide's. That really doesn't work well either, reminds me of South Park and giving aides to kids. There is probably only about one person who will get that joke *chuckles* anywho
Any little aide we can use to help us I think is a good thing. Once we start relying on them I think we start to lose focus, at least I do I cannot speak for the rest of you.
Read the article, nothing should shock, amaze or surprise you in there, it didn't me (I do keep waiting though, maybe someday)
Actually thats not true. For all my blowharding about hard work and not taking short cuts, deep down I have the same need and desire to have a magic pill that will make things easy because I have struggled for SO damn long and its killing me.
But the bottom line is there is no magic pill and I doubt there ever will be despite science best advances. And even if they do come up with a weight loss pill I doubt it will fix what is broken inside of us.
I don't really care what other people have told you, its not about will power, its not about motivation, its not about being fat stupid and lazy. Something is "off" something is wrong with some of us. for me pizza is as deadly as a beer is to an alcoholic. I cannot have it, should not have it because if I buy a large pizza I am giong to eat the whole damn thing. I do not posses a WHOAAAH button.
Anyways read the article take what you want from it and leave what doesn't work. As always the choice is YOURS
Friday, April 08, 2011
(this works a whole lot better when I post a link so you guys know what the heck I'm talking about)
To be honest I saw the note and was looking at it and saw the link and was looking at it so I clicked it as I am trying to be more involved. The movie started and I kind of rolled my eyes and I was going to shut the window because it would probably be "stupid" Which just goes to show you judging something before you see or know it hurts.
It was a wonderful little movie and it held a very powerful and profound life message, we should all be so fortunate to learn something from it.
I wish to thank BENTONHEALTHY so very much for posting and sharing this, good stuff :)
I hope that I learn from this not to dismiss something before I have had a chance to take in the message
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