Monday, April 04, 2011
After a long time away from sparks I have decided its time to get back to work. Now I have been logging on and getting my spark points and posting an article or 2 here and there as well as posting my words of encouragement in some groups, but as far as really using the site I cannot say that I have.
Looking at my page that 38 pound weight loss kind of stares me back in the face. Its been like that for I have no idea how long now. I guess its good that I initially lost the weight but the weight loss has been so very stagnant since then. I hope to change that.
Well I cannot hope to change it, I have to WORK to change it.
There have been alot of ups and down the last 12 months or so. Some very painful loss's and some personal setbacks that I have let weaken me and drop me to my knees.
Some days I don't care if live or die, not that I am suicidal it just doesn't seem to matter if I wake up or not. Each day seems to be the same they all blend in together. Feeling sh***y and grumpy and in constant pain.
So I feel sorry for myself and wallow in my own self pity. I forget how lucky I am despite my circumstances. There are people out there who would kill to be in my situation despite it being less than ideal. Its hard to overlook the small things we do have and should be grateful for yet we whine and complain and piss it all away because its not "better"
Life is what we make of it, no one is going to help us so we must help ourselves. The only person we can count on is God, now whatever your concept of God is thats your business, I am not here to preach or tell anyone how to pray or what they should believe in.
I don't really give a rats ass what Christians think you can believe in whatever you want. I believe if you live a good life and help your fellow man and do the best that you can to live a just life that when our time comes I don't think we will be kept out of whatever may be waiting.
I also can't help but think the 10 commandments are a great thing. I don't care what you believe or what religion you may or may not follow, they seem like great guidelines to follow and I don't believe you need to subscribe to any particular flavor of religion. I believe you can be spiritual without religion. Find your own path, find what YOU believe in and follow your heart, and if other people don't agree or try to tell you that you are wrong who gives a flying f**k its their opinion only. Maybe they are right and maybe we will go to hell for not drinking their brand of kool aid, but then again what if they are wrong ;) I think as long as you go to God it doesn't matter the path, just find something to believe in.
Now that my religious rant is over *chuckles*
At the end of the day family and friends will let you down no matter how well meaning. We must dig down and find our own personal strength and fight our own fight. We cannot count on other people or even Dr's and the medical community to help us, because at a certain point they can only do so much and they can do no more. Its up to us, now we CAN band together and help each other and give each other the support that sometimes we cannot get from family, friends, or the medical community.
Each of us has a path and a life, its ours to do with what we want how we see fit. We can either sit here and waste the gift of life or we can get up and kick some ass and find a better quality of life where we don't feel like we are worthless and nothing. It doesn't matter what other people think of us, sure we all want to be liked thats just human nature. but once you break free of that need life can be SO much more rewarding when we live for ourselves and not trying to live up to what we THINK we should be because other's tell us.
I say f**k that!! blaze your own path, who cares if no one believes in you, who cares if they all tell you that you will fail. NONE of that matters, all that matters is you and what you have in side of you. It might take some digging but inside each of us is a rock star who is just dying to get out.
My father told me not too long ago I would NEVER lose the 200-300 pounds I need to on my own that gastric bypass is my ONLY answer at a better life. I reject that, and once I got over the sting of yet another person telling me I will fail, I smile. I smile because I know that I have the capability to overcome anything, its just buried under years of self doubt and abuse, I have been beaten down so far that getting back up even to my knees seems impossible.
But it IS possible and only I can do it, and only you can do it for yourself. The only thing we need is some spiritual guidance from whatever we believe to be our higher power, with that we can accomplish anything.
I challenge you to get back on your feet and find the life you are meant to live as I struggle to gain my own footing.