Tuesday, August 25, 2009
My first thought was just to post this and not say anything, actually I debated about posting it at all. Although I am in a funk lately and shoving that aside, I am starting to feel like a broken record with the stuff that I am posting. It's basically all the same, do this, don't do that. Eat this, don't eat that, oh wait you CAN eat this, well we aren't sure lemme get back to you.
But then I realized if I stopped posting it would give all of you out there who just bristle every time I open my mouth nothing to do, and since I am a caring person I want to do my part. So your prayers are not answered again this week cause I am not shutting up :D
Now to those of you who actually care. Although its started to seem a bit redundant with the info I realized as I do many times that its better to post something than not post it. Sometimes with me it takes me looking at something 1000x before it actually sinks into my thick skull *chuckles*
I am still not convinced that sugar is all that bad for you. Now before you jump on my back with a club keep your pie hole shut and let me finish my thought ;)
I am not convinced that sugar is bad for us, IN MODERATION, just like anything else. I still believe that real sugar is FAR better for me than the fake stuff. I have been over indulging just a tad in the mountain dew and some other sugary treats that I could probably do without. I have not gained any weight, I have actually been maintaining which yes the whole purpose here IS to lose weight and not stay where I am. However if I adjusted my eating habits and got off my duff and did a little more exercise instead of sitting here crying about what I am not doing that might actually change. I still say I feel much better drinking the real stuff than the "diet" stuff. My blood sugar has been "normal" I still take my medication like I am suppose to and despite drinking a mountain dew or 2 a day, every morning when I wake up and take my blood sugar its within the acceptable range.
So I really don't care what anyone else says, FOR ME staying away from the artificial sweeteners has been a good thing, if you like it that's all fine for you I am not saying you should switch too, I am saying for me it works. I do need to reign some stuff in as I am getting just a tad bit comfortable with ingesting the ole sugar. And who knows maybe it will kill me *shrugs* were all gonna die one day anyways I am tired of living in fear of what other people tell me is bad for me and whats harmful cause either A. 10 years from now they are gonna say they were mistaken OR B. Some OTHER scientist is going to come along and say its false.
Man just live your freaking life how it works best for you. If you can eat chocolate cake everyday and lose weight and stay healthy and all your blood work is fine and your healthy doing it..ROCK ON! if that works for you then do it. however if your gaining weight, your cholesterol is all messed up, you don't feel well...then probably that's not gonna work for you *chuckles*
I'm not a Dr...never claimed to be, however through my personal experience a lot of the time I seem to know just as much about ME as the Dr does. I am not saying DON'T listen to your Dr...but honestly how many times have they been wrong? or better yet they keep trying thing after thing after thing, like playing pin the tail on the donkey to figure out whats wrong?
Who knows you better than you? NOBODY. You know what if I am having a heart attack I am probably gonna listen to the heart Dr, if I have an infection in my leg (which I do) I am probably gonna do what the Dr tells me to do. When the Dr tells me to just eat right and exercise and stop being lazy...well I am gonna listen to the Dr a little bit however the rest of it is up to me to figure out because they sure as heck aren't being very helpful.
FIND WHAT WORKS FOR YOU!!! If it works, and its healthy, and your happy who gives a rats behind what anyone else thinks. Thats just me though, I am mouthy and have a problem with authority, anyone who wants to live there life by what other people say, fine by me its your life :) Its your choice. The rest of you who have a brain in your head for the love of Saint Pete don't just take everything thats shoveled into you, use your brain, do your own research, find what works for you. The same thing that works for 1 million people might just not work for you, you know it..it might take the Dr a while to figure it out *chuckles*
Anyways do what you are gonna do, you can choose to live your life or you can choose to let someone else tell you how to live it...doesn't effect me either way so do what makes you happy, just like my big mouth ranting off here doesn't effect your life in anyway so if you don't like it don't read it. And if it makes you mad maybe you should do some self reflection to find out why ;)
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
*stretches and yawns* Well a week in bed can be quite relaxing, although the fever,chills,sweating and other amenities I guess I can do without.
The word of the day is: Cellulitis, say it with me...cel⋅lu⋅li⋅tis
Basically its an infection I had in my leg, don't know how or why I just know I have. Should you want to know more you can look at the link below, yes I know I am very helpful and informative :)
I had to go to the hospital for 3-4 days in a row and get IV antibiotics and now I am on a strong dose at home but it seems to be getting better. When I get something I don't mess around with a mild case of anything, I go big or go home always, so naturally I had to get the most severe case which required high doses of antibiotics via IV. I have always been an over achiever ;)
So that's where I have been if anyone cares, just slacking off lounging around in bed :D I wish I could say it was fun but most of the time it wasn't.
I am starting to get back to full power so in a few days I'll be back to my loud mouth opinionated ego driven self, I recommend enjoying the last few days quiet while you can :D
I hope everyone is well and that they have been progressing through there own personal journey and gaining ground :) even if you lost a few steps it was still an opportunity to learn something so I feel its just as valuable as making strides forward.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Not the worst idea I have ever heard that's for sure :) I suppose if you can learn to be prepared for ever situation (as best we can) then those OH BOY moments won't take us by surprise so often. Something tells me I am going to have to noodle this one over some more before it really sinks in and becomes effective but I think I see some great personal potential
Monday, August 10, 2009
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
-Johnny Cash - Hurt
** Before you read and suggest therapy I was at therapy today so :P **
I sat at my desk the other night slicing up screen protectors I just bought for my cell phone. I had the tunes playing and I was sitting here playing with the exacto knife just sliding the blade in and out. I slide the blade all the way out about 3-4 inches I guess and I looked down at my vein throbbing in my left arm and I laid the blade on my wrist and just thought how EASY it would be. Now at the point I actually mentally "felt" the sensation of cutting it was at that point that I decided to toss the blade across the room. Now before you get started it was NOT a suicide attempt it was a...hmm shall we say suicide pondering.
I have often felt like it would be "easier" to just go to sleep and not wake up than to deal with the BS that life dish's out. sometimes it just gets to be too much, the crushing weight of what feels like the entire world makes my legs buckle under the strain, I fall to one knee and keep trying to rise up yet the force is immense. The other leg gives out and I am on both knees and still the weight crush's me down, my arms start to waver and the pain in my neck streaks down my back at my head it pushed towards the ground. Finally my face is pushed into the muck and I feel like I am drowning, or smothering, its defiantly something not pleasant, I am dying! But I am not, it feels like I am but every time I survive it. Each time I am pushed to the point where I have to step outside myself and ask "is it worth it?" Is it fear or self respect that keeps me from taking my own life? I am not sure, and further more I sometimes wonder if it really matters?
I know I do not want to die, I am 99.9% sure of this, that little .1% though can sneak up and smack you in the face *chuckles* and all it would take is one time of common sense failing and who knows.
Suicide is a very serious thing not something to be taken lightly but those of you who know me by now should know I am not quite normal *chuckles* perhaps the real trick to life is being able to find humor in the darkest things that most people would not.
So lets recap, I did have the thought but I did not "attempt' suicide, nor do I consider myself suicidal. I have on occasion felt like it would be so much easier to just swallow this or that and fall asleep and dream peacefully forever. The cowards way out? Yes I agree with you so don't give me any of your crap. I also know there are people in far worse situations and conditions than I am in, and really I should be thankful for the life that I do have. Which I think is where this whole rant initiated from.
I opened with that because it was most recent in what is going on with my life. When I am out and about during the course of my day things will "come" to me and I jot myself down notes on my cell phone so that I can do something with them later. I had a few previous thoughts I copied down over the course of the last month or 2 and had not done anything with them until now.
The first thought I had was on a Saturday, my mom and I were out yard saleing. (she has a sickness) We were at an "estate sale" where the lady had passed away and her family was selling off her possessions. I bought a few things that I found interesting and then I sat back in the car and just watched the whole scene. A sadness started to fall over me as I realized this persons entire life, all the things they held most dear to them were sitting in boxes in the front yard as strangers picked through them to find whatever treasures they could. There is a line from the movie Fight Club "The things we own end up owning us" (gotta love Tyler Durden, don't know him? go rent the movie it will show you how normal you really are)
That has always stuck with me, despite my need to keep amassing possessions. My apartment is a cluttered mess with things stacked up here and there, boxes overflowing with things I never use, don't need or forgot I have. Yet I keep buying more stuff. more movies, more self help books. More glass's and candles and candle holders and who only knows what else because its a "good deal" I used to be sad when I was younger because my life used to be able to fit into a couple of big plastic totes, I was like how sad and pathetic am I when this is all I own in the world? I am starting to think now perhaps I was much better off back then when I had nothing. I still really don't have much to speak of, nothing of value to anyone save me, and even then its questionable. So what am I collecting all this stuff for? so that years from now it can be thrown out or given away or even sold to strangers? Perhaps they will give it a good home and find joy or entertainment in these items as I did, but really they are just things.
The other thought came to me as I was sitting at my moms house one day. I was half watching tv as well as my moms dog Lincoln. Lincoln is a mutant black lab he probably weights anywhere from 150-175 pounds, its really hard to tell but he is a big boy *chuckles* He is a very intelligent dog always has been. My mom used to tell me he would steal jars of peanut butter and open them with his jaws and lick them out, I thought this was complete BS until I caught him at it one day. She also used to tell me how she would have to take him for "rides in the car" in order to get him to come back in the house. I thought my mom had lost her marbles and I might have even told her so. It was sometime in 2000 when I moved back home for a spell, I had been in the house for literally 5 minutes when my step father yelled at me to get the door, but it was too late 150 pounds of black beast pushed me aside and bounded outside into the night.
So I went out to retrieve him. It was about 9 at night so it was pretty dark out, the yard light was on and I stood on the porch calling his name. Nothing. I got off the porch and called his name some more, nothing. Suddently a black streak ran from one tree to another. so I went over to him and he darted behind another tree, the dog was screwing with me!! After about 15 minutes of this I started to get upset and call him every 4 letter word in the book, but he ran from tree to tree playing hide and seek, he would freeze until I got within 2 feet of him and then take off again. So I walked across the yard and opened the door to the car and called his name "Lincoln you want to go for a ride" He lumbered over and hoped in the back seat, so I got in the car and drove him around the circle drive way we had and then opened the door and he went right inside. Color me surprised.
I would be sitting watching TV at times and he would be standing in the hallway barking and barking, its like What the heck does it want? My step father would be like "oh one of the other dogs is probably on the bed and he wants it" sure enough he was "telling" on the other dogs because they were on the bed or because they stole his bone. His other trick was to run to the door and bark to go out and when my mom got up off the couch to let him out, he would run back and steal her spot. He is a unique dog to say the least. Flash forward to a few weeks ago, I was sitting there watching him roll around trying to get comfortable on the floor.
He has a softball size "growth" on his right side that is a tumor but its not "dangerous" however the vet said it would probably kill him if they removed it, so he has to deal with that. On top of that when he was a pup one of his front paws got caught in a bear trap and so that became lame he would walk on his "forepaw' so to speak instead of his paw. His back legs have started to give out on him and its very difficult for him to get up and move and when he goes to sit down it is almost painful to watch as he tries to sit down and eventually just falls down. He grunts and groans and sighs like a person when he is trying to get comfortable on the floor, he barks at you when your having a conversation because you are not including him in it.
When you enter the house he DEMANDS you go an pet him, and god help you should you fall prey to it because once you start petting you are not allowed to stop. You could pet him for 3 hours and it would not be enough, he would just start barking at you again *chuckles* He is pretty much deaf and doesn't hear too much if you yell at him really loud he can hear you but aside from that he does not hear much. Old age has most definatly caught up with the old fellow. Yet no matter how much his body is failing him his mind is still sharp as a whip, and I mean razor sharp *chuckles* he still steals the couch from my mom if she moves..when he and the other dog go out to pee they get a treat, so he figured out if he lets her go out to pee, then he goes out, he gets 2 treats..Yes I'm serious. The mind is willing yet the body is weak. He has started to have "accidents" in the house, he gets excited or he just can't make it to the door in time and the poopies come rolling out, fortunatly its like horse poop, its big chunks and easy to clean up.
One day in the not too distant future ole Lincoln will have to be taken to the vet and put too sleep because he simply cannot function anymore, his body will fail him completely and he wont be able to get up to go out or eat or anything else. I thought how sad it was that his mind is still strong and if we could transplant it into a younger body he could probably go on for I don't know how many more years, but that simply is not possible and this majestic beast will have to go to sleep and never wake up.
It's funny because I am about 6'1 and well over 400 pounds, I have numerous tattoo's, long hair, a beard and earring. Generally if you saw me walking towards you in the store you would probably move aside (some people do) Some people find me intimidating, not that I try to be but outward appearances being what they are, you would not expect to find me sitting at my desk with tears rolling down my face thinking about a dog.
I can't help but think all of this stuff relates to my life somehow. I can't seem to formulate it but I know that it all applies and has meaning. Perhaps it means I should be ashamed of myself for even having the thoughts of giving up when there are others out there who would give all they have to be in the position that I am in despite whatever difficulties I might face, there is someone out there who does not have the option to do even the few things that I can do.
And also maybe I should stop worrying about "things" so much and focus on the people and experiences in my life because after I am dead and gone all the shiny things I shrived so hard to collect will be meaningless. I can't take it with me and it will just end up in someone elses hands or even in the trash pile, so why place such high importance on things I don't really need?
And lastly maybe I need a good punch in the face to wake me up and realize that I need to seize this life now because we are all dying 1 second at a time whether we want to or not, I always thought the phrase "you have been dying since the moment you were born" was always so fascinating and so true. I say a punch in the face because I am not sure a slap in the face will suffice *chuckles*.
I know all this stuff yet I let precious moments slip away seconds and minutes and hours at a time, I will do it tomorrow is my favorite saying. What happens when I reach the moment there are no more tomorrows? The saddest and scariest thing I can possibly think of is to lay on my death bed and be racked with regret over what "might have been" yet still I languish and fumble around, part of me knows I need to grab life by the throat and thrash the hell out of it, I want to go out swinging and live the best life I can live. "I'd rather die on my feet than keep living on my knees"
Yes here I stand, or here I kneel I should say still letting the sands slip through the hour glass, not even trying to stop the flow of time, which we cannot do anyways but I could be making better use of the time that I have. People tell me all the time that I have made progress and doing a good job, I suppose that is true, other people tell me I inspire and motivate them, I have a real hard time accepting this because I know how badly I struggle day to day, and I try not to represent myself as something I am not yet I feel like a fraud when people say that to me and I do not know why. Maybe its because I know I can do better but I am not, maybe its because I feel like I should be further along my road than I am, or maybe I just don't know why.
I'm not really sure why I shared this or why it might be of any use or value to anyone else, I am still not 100% sure what it all means to me, but its there. Read it don't read it *shrugs* it's not really going to effect my life one way or another
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