im back (again) :(

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

ugh, so that restart was a bust. after coming back to spark and doing well for only a couple days, I fell entirely off the wagon again.
fastfood, cake, cookies, back to my old ways and in excess.
I have gained back about 15 lbs, and it all came right to my belly. I feel guilty, ashamed and disapointed in myself.
I dont know how anything is different, i simply cant get back to it.
maybe part of it is because im depressed again, and some of me just doesnt care, but then when i put on my pants and theyre too tight, i cry.
ugh
i wish there was someone to do this with closer tohome.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CKMATHERLY 4/25/2012 5:25PM

Depression sucks the life out of you. You have to get it back. I agree with talking to your Doctor. And little excerise can help that too. It's amazing how much better I feel on a "sad day" after a walk in nice weather or a round of Zumba on the 360. Report Inappropriate Comment

BLUE42DOWN 4/19/2012 2:16AM

I have missed you and your many fine foxes. Have you been talking to the doctor about the meds? If you're still fighting the depression and taking them as prescribed, it seems like it's about time to revisit how they're working (or not) for you. Even if you're not quite up to getting back on the wagon, what about just changing a few little things. You say you've been eating "in excess" - so start turning things around by simply eating what you would consider to be not excessive. Try to get up and do something, dance or walk, for at least 10 minutes a day, enough to get your heart rate up. Don't worry about it being enough to "lose weight" - just do it because it can help you feel better. Report Inappropriate Comment

THE_BATGIRL 4/18/2012 12:42PM

Awwww! You can do it - you have your sparkfriends! :) I totally feel you on the whole depressed/not caring and then feeling awful. I try to remind myself that it's not an all or nothing game, so even if I gain weight, I can try to do one or two healthy things to try to get myself back on track. :) Report Inappropriate Comment

LOSER05 4/18/2012 9:45AM

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Did anyone miss me?

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Hey everyone, I'm back.
I stopped logging in for a long time, mostly due to the chaos that is my life. There really isnt anything that chaotic about it, but I do currently lack organization in a bad way.
So, I have gained a little. I'm back to 250, thats not a ton, but I have been eating terribly, and I dont mean just going over calories or making a few bad choices, i mean going full on fastfood/binge eating/not tracking/ or paying attention to what I'm putting in my mouth.
Today has been the first day (successfully) eating within calorie range again, and I havent been to the gym in nearly a month.
I've been feeling very blah...
So the 24th of february was my birthday, I am not officially 26, and on the downward slope the 30. I took that mon-sun week off in order to have a week with friends and my boyfriend to be able to celebrate with everyone.
However on monday morning I was getting ready for my day, was going to go to the gym that day, and do whatever else, i think something mundane like buy curtains...
Instead I spent the whole day in the hospital!
So i took a shower and was getting out, i started to feel very fatigued, like more tired than ive ever felt in my entire life, so i felt i needed to sit down. So i sit on the edge of the tub, however long later i wake up IN the tub. I was very confused, and thought to my self "huh, i dont remember taking a bath" oh well right, no harm no foul, i wasnt hurt, so i went to go on with my day. so i stumbled into my bedroom where i attempted to go to the closet and get dressed, instead that last thing i remember was walking in, and the first thing that woke me up was my face smashing into my bedside table, nearly breaking my nose.
yeah...ER time, spent all day hooked up to stuff and they ended up telling me i was dehydrated, and i had a concusion.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY VACATION!
so anyway, long story short, every since then, i havent been to the gym, been eating like crap, and being generally morose.
but here I am I am back, i ate within range today, going to start going back to the gym next week ( work and such keeps me from it this weekend) and hopefully keep changing my body.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THE_BATGIRL 3/22/2012 10:24AM

Awww, that's so scary! I'm glad you're ok! Hooray for getting back on track now - let us know how you're doing! :) Report Inappropriate Comment

RUNNER12COM 3/14/2012 5:21PM

Sorry to hear that your day had a crashing start to it, but fortunately it wasn't anything even more serious. And you're on the mend and on track again. Well done! Report Inappropriate Comment

BLUE42DOWN 3/11/2012 11:06PM

Scary! I'm glad it wasn't worse than a concussion - but even that, especially without someone there to see you, eek! A horrible way to be reminded to get enough water daily. I know it's impossible to just say and convince someone, but life doesn't end at 30. (Not even at 40. Trust this old fart. She knows what she's talking about. =P ) With it a whole four years away, there's a lot you could do by the time you're 30 and even more you can do after between 30 and 40, not to mention 40 to 50. Report Inappropriate Comment

an update from Erin

Monday, February 13, 2012

I feel I may have reached an impasse.
I have been rather unmotivated to work out the last week or so. My gym attendance has been spotty, and my wii fit has not had the opportunity to call me obese in at least 2 weeks.
I have lost a whole 50 lbs on my journey thus far, and I know that should be something worth celebrating and continuing, but I don't feel up to it. I don't feel like i have what it takes to keep up with such arduous efforts.
I don't really understand why I dread going to the gym so much, I enjoy it quite well once I'm there, its the getting through the door part that sucks.
Also, I have been on my period for over 2 weeks now, read up on one of my medication sheets and it says smack dab in the middle "if you are on oral contraceptives, you should not take this medication, it will reduce the effectiveness of this medication and if you experience breakthrough bleeding, please contact your healthcare provider"... to paraphrase.
So i freaked out last night, crying and rocking back and forth and the like, called the advice nurse. She says there's nothing to worry about, its not life threatening and so long as I don't start gushing blood, bruising easily, get a fever or develop dizziness that I am alright to wait til my recheck appointment on the 16th.
needless to say however, the whole situation is uncomfortable and is putting a damper on my motivation to continue working out, i have not really felt depressed, just unwilling to workout. I would rather lay in bed watching netflix where its warm, or play video games or go shopping, or hangout with friends than workout right now.
If it isn't one thing, its another.
I should have known better than to try to manage my anxiety, bipolar and depression with medication, I should have just dealt with it on my own like i have all these years anyway. The meds are causing more anxiety than they were meant to help treat.

I just want to feel beautiful, being fat like I am I am incapable of feeling that way. I know everyone always says you should love yourself the way you look now too, but if i did, i wouldn't even want to change.

I just want to be beautiful.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLAPTHEFATCAT 2/18/2012 12:26AM

LOL. My Wii calls me obese and goes "oh." whenever I step on the balance board. Report Inappropriate Comment

BLUE42DOWN 2/13/2012 7:23PM

It is entirely possible to find the beauty in oneself, to love and accept oneself, and still want to improve. Loving oneself isn't about being perfect or beautiful. It is about unconditional love - love of the unique individual we are, whether fat or skinny, tall or short, fair or dark, male or female, loud or quiet, shy or outgoing, creative or logical. So what if we're fat now? Does our body carry us where we need to go? Does it digest the food we need to stay alive? It's an amazing device. Even if we've treated it horribly, it is still waking up in the morning for us. No one else looks quite the way we do, and that is true no matter what weight we are at. It lets others see us and recognize us. Just curious - if you look around you at your friends, your co-workers, strangers you pass on the street, who do you consider beautiful? Do you find most people beautiful or only a particular idealized (perhaps media-enforced) look beautiful? What do you define beautiful as? Because I look at your Christmas 2011 picture and I see a beautiful person. I look at some of your other photos, like the one with you with cat whiskers with friend and roomate, and I see a beautiful person with a wonderful smile. (And, believe me, I know how different our own perception can be. Hence the caption on the first photo on my page - my best friend sees "Bewbs!" and I see "Double Chin - ugh!" I'll never love my double chin, but I don't love myself less because of it. I just decided that I love myself enough to alter my life to change it.) Report Inappropriate Comment

CAROLYN_ROSE 2/13/2012 3:35PM

You ARE beautiful!!!! One thing I had to learn was you have to love yourself as you are now. Skinny, fat, whatever you have love yourself. You must know that you are worthy of this or you will never succeed. You can do this! Report Inappropriate Comment

I made something

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Latest progress picture

And progress since october

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ELPHYY 2/9/2012 9:59PM

Congrats! Report Inappropriate Comment

SPICEMWE 1/31/2012 2:41PM

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THE_BATGIRL 1/31/2012 11:18AM

Yay!!!!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

VICKLET31 1/31/2012 9:31AM

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BLUE42DOWN 1/31/2012 2:50AM

Definitely can see some changes happening there. Report Inappropriate Comment

SEYSARAH 1/31/2012 1:34AM

Wow, you look amazing! Report Inappropriate Comment

Mopey Fox

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

ok, so it's been a while since i've updated this blog. I wont lie, things have been rocky.
The weight loss and fitness efforts are actually fine, one of the only constants my life actually has to offer right now oddly enough.
I got down to 249, but the scale is back up to 251, which i all likely just water retention and what not,so no big dealio.
My doctors appointment least week went well, the nurses and doctors were very impressed with my weight loss, i still cant see a real substantial difference though. I guess I eat too many lean cuisines and other microwaveable meals, sodium and what not, not letting me release inches. Tired of still looking so gross despite how much i've lost.
I want to make more homemade meals and snacks and what not, but I dont have my own kitchen, and not enough refrigerator space to keep all the ingredients needed to be consistent, so i make do with what i have.
dont even get me started on the cost...
So at work i've been cut down to 4 days a week (so has everyone else) in order to make payroll for the last 2 weeks of the fiscal year, and im averaging about 2 dogs a day, as usual, our business is up to us, but there just arent that many people willing to get their dogs groomed right now. So i'm barely making any money, my boyfriend is already going to pay about 200 of my rent, and bills are a whole different thing, i had to postpone the payment of my care insurance and incur a late fee just to get through the week.

So the doctors put me on lamictal, which is normally used to treat epileptic patients, but also worked well in the treatment of bipolar disorder, as well as celexa for the depression, i dont start the celexa until ive been on lamictal for 2 weeks just to make sure there arent any serious side affects (believe me, the list of potentially dangerous ones is long)
I still cant really manage to pull my self out of this funk, still so depressed, theres no reason to be this low, despite the normal factors like the fact that im making no money among other things.
at any rate... thats how things have been, more from me later

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THE_BATGIRL 1/25/2012 4:35PM

Aw, boo! I hate it when I'm inexplicably mopey. The weather definitely hasn't been helping, either. Dumb question - have you ever had your thyroid numbers checked? For me, my thyroid (and subsequent issues) were what was ultimately behind my depression, so normal depression medicines just never did anything for me. Overall though, super amazing YAY for sticking with eating well even while depressed! That's the hardest thing ever. Report Inappropriate Comment

BLUE42DOWN 1/25/2012 3:16PM

== theres no reason to be this low == This is actually one of the key differences between Depression and simply feeling down once in a while. Things could be going absolutely perfect in a person's life when Depression hits, they can do all the things that ~should~ make them happier with no effect. Hopefully once the two weeks are up and you start in on the second, you'll start seeing some more emotional improvement. Unfortunately, there's a lot of guesswork that goes into which drugs and which dosages will work for any particular person. They aren't "happy pills" the way ads make them sound. on sticking to the fitness activities and healthier foods. It can be rather hard to see changes. I'm only barely beginning to notice some and I'm bouncing around 32-33 pounds down from where I started. Sounds like a huge amount, but normally when I look at myself I just don't see that much. Then I do something like last night and put on the pants that fit then so I could wash everything else ... and have to keep tugging them back up. If you have one of your starting weight outfits, try putting it on. It's definitely hard to see the couple pounds here and there or the inch off this or that, especially because we look in the mirror and we're so far from where we want to be. But they are coming off slowly but surely! Report Inappropriate Comment