Wednesday, April 18, 2012
ugh, so that restart was a bust. after coming back to spark and doing well for only a couple days, I fell entirely off the wagon again.
fastfood, cake, cookies, back to my old ways and in excess.
I have gained back about 15 lbs, and it all came right to my belly. I feel guilty, ashamed and disapointed in myself.
I dont know how anything is different, i simply cant get back to it.
maybe part of it is because im depressed again, and some of me just doesnt care, but then when i put on my pants and theyre too tight, i cry.
i wish there was someone to do this with closer tohome.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Hey everyone, I'm back.
I stopped logging in for a long time, mostly due to the chaos that is my life. There really isnt anything that chaotic about it, but I do currently lack organization in a bad way.
So, I have gained a little. I'm back to 250, thats not a ton, but I have been eating terribly, and I dont mean just going over calories or making a few bad choices, i mean going full on fastfood/binge eating/not tracking/ or paying attention to what I'm putting in my mouth.
Today has been the first day (successfully) eating within calorie range again, and I havent been to the gym in nearly a month.
I've been feeling very blah...
So the 24th of february was my birthday, I am not officially 26, and on the downward slope the 30. I took that mon-sun week off in order to have a week with friends and my boyfriend to be able to celebrate with everyone.
However on monday morning I was getting ready for my day, was going to go to the gym that day, and do whatever else, i think something mundane like buy curtains...
Instead I spent the whole day in the hospital!
So i took a shower and was getting out, i started to feel very fatigued, like more tired than ive ever felt in my entire life, so i felt i needed to sit down. So i sit on the edge of the tub, however long later i wake up IN the tub. I was very confused, and thought to my self "huh, i dont remember taking a bath" oh well right, no harm no foul, i wasnt hurt, so i went to go on with my day. so i stumbled into my bedroom where i attempted to go to the closet and get dressed, instead that last thing i remember was walking in, and the first thing that woke me up was my face smashing into my bedside table, nearly breaking my nose.
yeah...ER time, spent all day hooked up to stuff and they ended up telling me i was dehydrated, and i had a concusion.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY VACATION!
so anyway, long story short, every since then, i havent been to the gym, been eating like crap, and being generally morose.
but here I am I am back, i ate within range today, going to start going back to the gym next week ( work and such keeps me from it this weekend) and hopefully keep changing my body.
Monday, February 13, 2012
I feel I may have reached an impasse.
I have been rather unmotivated to work out the last week or so. My gym attendance has been spotty, and my wii fit has not had the opportunity to call me obese in at least 2 weeks.
I have lost a whole 50 lbs on my journey thus far, and I know that should be something worth celebrating and continuing, but I don't feel up to it. I don't feel like i have what it takes to keep up with such arduous efforts.
I don't really understand why I dread going to the gym so much, I enjoy it quite well once I'm there, its the getting through the door part that sucks.
Also, I have been on my period for over 2 weeks now, read up on one of my medication sheets and it says smack dab in the middle "if you are on oral contraceptives, you should not take this medication, it will reduce the effectiveness of this medication and if you experience breakthrough bleeding, please contact your healthcare provider"... to paraphrase.
So i freaked out last night, crying and rocking back and forth and the like, called the advice nurse. She says there's nothing to worry about, its not life threatening and so long as I don't start gushing blood, bruising easily, get a fever or develop dizziness that I am alright to wait til my recheck appointment on the 16th.
needless to say however, the whole situation is uncomfortable and is putting a damper on my motivation to continue working out, i have not really felt depressed, just unwilling to workout. I would rather lay in bed watching netflix where its warm, or play video games or go shopping, or hangout with friends than workout right now.
If it isn't one thing, its another.
I should have known better than to try to manage my anxiety, bipolar and depression with medication, I should have just dealt with it on my own like i have all these years anyway. The meds are causing more anxiety than they were meant to help treat.
I just want to feel beautiful, being fat like I am I am incapable of feeling that way. I know everyone always says you should love yourself the way you look now too, but if i did, i wouldn't even want to change.
I just want to be beautiful.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Latest progress picture
And progress since october
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
ok, so it's been a while since i've updated this blog. I wont lie, things have been rocky.
The weight loss and fitness efforts are actually fine, one of the only constants my life actually has to offer right now oddly enough.
I got down to 249, but the scale is back up to 251, which i all likely just water retention and what not,so no big dealio.
My doctors appointment least week went well, the nurses and doctors were very impressed with my weight loss, i still cant see a real substantial difference though. I guess I eat too many lean cuisines and other microwaveable meals, sodium and what not, not letting me release inches. Tired of still looking so gross despite how much i've lost.
I want to make more homemade meals and snacks and what not, but I dont have my own kitchen, and not enough refrigerator space to keep all the ingredients needed to be consistent, so i make do with what i have.
dont even get me started on the cost...
So at work i've been cut down to 4 days a week (so has everyone else) in order to make payroll for the last 2 weeks of the fiscal year, and im averaging about 2 dogs a day, as usual, our business is up to us, but there just arent that many people willing to get their dogs groomed right now. So i'm barely making any money, my boyfriend is already going to pay about 200 of my rent, and bills are a whole different thing, i had to postpone the payment of my care insurance and incur a late fee just to get through the week.
So the doctors put me on lamictal, which is normally used to treat epileptic patients, but also worked well in the treatment of bipolar disorder, as well as celexa for the depression, i dont start the celexa until ive been on lamictal for 2 weeks just to make sure there arent any serious side affects (believe me, the list of potentially dangerous ones is long)
I still cant really manage to pull my self out of this funk, still so depressed, theres no reason to be this low, despite the normal factors like the fact that im making no money among other things.
at any rate... thats how things have been, more from me later
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