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I've found myself fighting in a war I never wanted to fight.

Friday, May 27, 2011

I promised myself I wouldn't use this blog to bitch about my life. But it looks like I'm about to break that promise.

Sometimes no matter how hard you try you can't fix something that has broken. Sometimes there's just too many pieces to make it whole and sometimes parts of it get lost forever. But that isn't the case for me. This time the broken pieces refuse to fit together.

You know when you are putting together a puzzle and you just know that piece goes there but it doesn't quite fit so you push harder and it kinda snaps in there but not like the rest of the pieces did? That's exactly how I feel right now. And the puzzle just happens to be my marriage.

What is it that finally causes a divorce? Is it when two people can't stop fighting long enough to be in love? Or is it like a war and one side just completely loses their will to fight anymore? How do you know it's really over or is it ever really over? Does it end when you finally see that they lied through their teeth when they promised everything they did to make you say, "I do." Or does it end when you finally see that those two pieces of the puzzle you thought you figured out in the beginning are actually miles away from each other in the big picture?

I didn't know there was such thing as a silent sob until now. Not that it would matter if he heard my cries. It's not like he'd come to comfort me anyway. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I take a deep breath a little tear still slips down my cheek. I've never felt this kind of misery before. Sometimes I think I stay here just to punish myself. Other times I wonder what would happen if I silently slipped out the door tonight. When would he realize I was gone? What would he do without me? I know one thing that he wouldn't do for sure. I know he wouldn't think about what he did to make this happen. No, he would blame anyone but himself.

I want so badly to go into our room and tell him how much my heart aches right now. It would only lead to fight that would end with me apologizing and agreeing to whatever terms he comes up with. I know fights aren't about winning or losing but by the time we've fought for 2 hours, I don't really care anymore and so I let him have is way. I'm pretty sure he plans it that way, too. Talking about my feelings has gotten me nowhere but curled in a ball of my own miserable tears wishing I'd just kept my mouth shut. Things didn't used to be this way. In the beginning, we talked about how we felt and about how we could fix things for each other. Now, it's just about him, his feelings, his wants, and his needs. My feelings are nags, stupid, or cries for attention.

For the past six months, he been nothing like what a husband should be. It's like he just up and decided since we are married he doesn't have to try anymore. Every chore in this house falls on my shoulders or it doesn't get done. If I ask him do anything he promises do it later. In this case, later never comes. I get tired of fighting with it and take care of it myself.

Since we are going on a trip, there were a lot of things that needed to get done today because it is my only day off.
*Clean the house
*Clean the neighbors house (my 2nd "job")
*Visit my parents-help them.
*Give dog a bath
*Fix car air conditioner
*Clean car

I got everything on my list done except:
*Giving the dog a bath
*Fixing car air conditioner (Don't even know how so that would fall to him anyhow)
*and Laundry (Since we aren't leaving until Sunday, I figured there would end up being more clothes by then so I though I'd do it a little closer to time)

I didn't get help with anything I had to do. He had to work in the evening so before work he played his games while I cleaned two houses. At my parents house I cleaned my car but i didn't do laundry. When I got home, no one said thank you for the things I did. Instead, he complained about the clothes not being done. It's like if I didn't get to something either because I just didn't feel like doing it or because I didn't have time, it's a horrible sin. However, if he doesn't do something (fix the car AC) well he just didn't have time and it should be over looked. If I try to speculate things like this all that happens is a big fight. So I've learned to keep my mouth shut.

These are my raw thoughts and feelings. They should be heard and understood. They should be taken care of the moment they fall from my lips. Instead, I'm forced to trap them inside a breaking dam. But if we can't talk to each other, what do we really have left? I know the answer to that question and I know I should bite the bullet, stand my ground, and fight for myself. I should go into the bedroom right now and present my heart but I know I'll leave that room licking my wounds. Besides, what could I say that hasn't already been said 50,000 times before?

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MISSLISA1973 5/27/2011 9:19AM

    P.S. (As if I haven't talked enough already.) Please don't feel badly about "using [your] blog to bitch about [your] life." That's what it is here for. There are so many things that affect our efforts to reach our goals - weight loss or otherwise. To pretend one huge thing like an emotionally devastating marriage doesn't exist will not help you reach your health goals. emoticon

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MISSLISA1973 5/27/2011 9:16AM

    Wow, I am so sorry for your hurt. I have asked myself many of the same questions before. The answers that have worked for me may not work for you, but maybe if I share them, they can encourage you or stimulate ideas of other things you can try (if you haven't already).

*The first, and probably most important, thing I have done that has made a difference in (and honestly, probably saved) my marriage is a book called "They Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. It is not pie-in-the-sky by any means. She too was about to leave her husband and struggled greatly to learn how to pray for the husband who wounded her so badly. After several years of prayer, I have been fortunate to join a Praying Wives group and this was the first book we went through. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy for ANY of us. It was worth it for ALL of us though.

*My Praying Wives group eventually led to them recognizing and sharing with me that I am codependent. I didn't believe them, but like I always do when I have a problem, I got a book (this time on CD). This one was "Codependent No More," but I don't remember the author. I didn't get much out of it, but she did convince me that I am indeed codependent. Your blog leads me to believe you also struggle with this relationship issue. Don't feel bad, it's not uncommon at all! I went to one counseling session (because I can't afford more) and learned that not only am I codependent, I began this style of relating YEARS before I met my husband. I am learning to address my codependent behaviors separate from his behaviors.

*One of the books I have used a little bit is "Boundaries" by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Thompson.

*I also read a couple books by Michele Weiner-Davis. I can't emphasize enough how much I highly recommend her work. This is not religious material in any way; it is all evidence-based, and is a practical approach to behaviors you can adopt to change your marriage. If YOU change YOUR behaviors, (not saying you are a bad person, but you may have unhealthy relational habits or your relationship may be stuck in painful ruts) it will automatically change your relationship and his behaviors. Not a promise that his behavior changes will necessarily be good, but if you have made a move to healthier behaviors and he reacts negatively, this is not your fault. You have done what you could. Marianne Williamson's books taught me a lot about this philosophy. I definitely recommend her work, although I do not subscribe to her religious beliefs.

*I was fortunate enough to learn to be a PREP (divorce Prevention and Relationship Enhancement, see their website at instructor. This awesome, evidence-based program is something we teach hardened felons in the prisons. I can tell you the things we have learned in this program has made a difference in the relationships of those of us who have learned to be instructors, in how offenders relate to other offenders, how offenders relate to staff, and how offenders and their significant others relate to each other. Because this program has worked not only in my difficult marriage but has also made significant differences for many people in this high-risk population, I believe it has the potential to help anyone who is willing to put forth the effort to try it. It never promises to solve everyone's marriage problems, but what you learn can help you in your other relationships (kids, parents, friends, coworkers). I know he seems to be the bulk of your problems (TRUST ME, I know this! I have a self-centered, childish, temperamental, emotionally abusive husband also), but if you can learn to address your wounds and your enabling behaviors, this can strengthen you whether your marriage survives or not. But there is hope your marriage could survive - even thrive, believe it or not - and if it doesn't, you'll know you did everything you could.

*Next to learning to pray for my husband, the most difficult thing I have learned is to change my attitude toward his sexual gratification. I know how emotionally painful this is and how angry it makes you want to be to think about jacking him off when he is such a jerk (sorry, I hope you don't mind me being crass, but desperate marriages need down-and-dirty [no pun intended] help), but I have found that helping my husband in this manner has often helped him have a calmer demeanor. It has also helped him be more loving to me (John Gray talks in one of his books about how giving your spouse what he wants naturally leads him to giving you what you want, although it took me years to finally see what he was talking about) and has led him to be a little less selfish in lovemaking. The Power of a Praying Wife helped me greatly in this area too.

I'm sorry this has been such a long answer, but I have spent years and tears seeking relief from the pain of our difficult marriage. We have come to a pretty happy place, although there are many things about him that still leave me wanting. I have had to learn to let many (many, many) things go. I have had to learn to change my attitudes and behaviors. I have had to learn to stand up for myself in healthy, productive ways instead of ways that led nowhere except me crying out alone in my bedroom. I know it's tough to think about working through so many issues and it taking years, but it has been worth it. If I would have left him, I would have taken my unhealthy behaviors to my next relationship. Now we have something special that reflects the growing and changing we have both done, and are still doing. We don't have kids, so this has probably made it easier for us. If kids are involved though, I think it makes it even more important to seek help (books, counseling, relationship enhancement programs, whatever it takes) to save your marriage. There is no shame in needing help of any kind. When we are sick, we go to a doctor. Your marriage is sick and hurting, you need to find help wherever is most appropriate for you. The first thing you have to accept is that because you are the one who cares, you are the one that will have to make the first (and probably the most) move(s) toward healing. Again, your steps toward healing may not save your marriage, but you will have peace knowing you did all you could. Right now, I am sure you have done all you know to do. Now is the time to learn to do something new.

My heart goes out to you. Sending you a million hugs, sister! emoticon

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JENNSWIMS 5/27/2011 8:55AM

    I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. While I haven't pondered divorce, I do know how it feels to work your butt off and not only not be thanked, but be criticized for what you didn't do. (At my house this usually ends with me getting pissy and reminding the person that they can do it themselves or shut up)

HUGS. Lots of hugs.

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KGARBACK 5/27/2011 1:57AM

    Been there. Finally got out after the kids grew up, and I will tell you, there IS light at the end of the tunnel! Am I lonely? Sometimes. Was it worth it? Absolutely. My adult children are beautiful, well-adjusted, and loving people. My husband and I get along much better now that we live apart, and I am so HAPPY not to have to answer every day to the demands and criticisms of someone who is innately unpleasable.

Hang in there. It can get better.

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HYPNONUMBER 5/27/2011 1:19AM

    Grieving about a divorce is as difficult as grief about a death. The wrenching heartbreak is similar, but you are left with a lack of confidence in yourself and a bitterness in your heart and a feeling of "what's wrong with me?"

It sounds like you are in the process of making difficult decisions about your relationship, and good for you for letting it out here. You are probably still sobbing to yourself, but we feel your pain and know this is a terribly difficult time for you.

I hope you are sharing your feelings with friends and family who love and support you because you will need it now more than ever. Have you tried marriage counseling? Wishing you courage and the best outcome for you. Sometimes we cannot see what is best for us until a long time after. May you be at peace.

Lenay/Hypnonumber emoticon

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Day 5

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Ho Hum, I'm feeling pretty lazy today. For the past few nights I've been waking up at 5 or 6 am and feeling as wide awake as I could be. I guess, I should go ahead and get up...but ti's too dark! So I toss and turn and try to get some sleep and by the time 8 am rolls around I either don't hear the alarm or I snooze it cause I'm still tired. GRRR. To be honest, I think the TV wakes me up. I hate having the TV on when I'm trying to sleep. Andrew, the hubby, says he can't sleep without it. Gah, it's so frustrating.

Anyhow, I have tons of crap I need to do. Clean and exercise for the most part. However, I just don't feel like getting up. Hoping this blog will help me out. :D

So I've been trying really hard to drink my 8 glasses of water a day but I wasn't doing so well. I must confess, I am addicted to caffeine. (Do understand, I don't often admit this addiction and have yet confessed it to Andrew. Although, he already knows haha.) So when I'm thirsty I feel like I want a pop but I'm actually wanting a water. Then the pop doesn't quench my thirst and that thirst turns to 'hunger' then I feel like I'm starving so I eat something. See how dangerous pop can be!

I decided last night that I needed a way to gauge how much water I was drinking. I dug out a pitcher and found that filling it to the top will give me about 8 glasses of water! Then I got to thinking about how I drink about 2 cups while I'm at work. So I dumped out 2 cups from my pitcher. Now my goal for today is to down what's left of the pitcher!

Unfortunately, right now all I can think about is a Diet MT Dew... Gr. I told myself once I finish this glass of water that I can have a pop. :D I'm going to cut myself down to 3 a day, then 2, then 1. I don't want to give it up completely, that would make me sad. :( So I'm just going to limit it! :D

So I think I'm going to finish my glass, turn on the tv for one episode of Family Guy, and drink my pop. When I'm finished with that I'm going to exercise, shower, clean, walk-if it's not raining. The I'll go to work!

OH BTW, we are leaving for WV on Sunday night. So tomorrow is going to be very busy. It's the only day I have off before then and I've got to pack, clean the car, see my padres before I go, make sure the house is clean, decide what food goes in the cooler! So I guess if I wake up at 5 am I'm just gonna get up and get busy! :D (yeah right)

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TBBULL717 5/25/2011 12:54PM

  Set the timer on your TV. My wife likes it on to help her sleep and I can't stand it. We set it for 20 min, she drifts off to sleep and the TV goes off.

As for the caffeine, I used to be a 1 cup of coffee and 2 coke zero a day guy. It's definitely tough to make the change but just ween yourself off slowly like you said. So for my case it was to cut 1 can out for the first week. I'm on the second week now and I'm down to just the coffee. I'm not giving up this one cup and bust out the Tablespoon to measure 2 Tlbs to give it some flavor (no sugar).

If that doesn't work, just google the downside effects of aspartame to realize the vicious cycle of artificial sweeteners and how they in turn make a person crave sweets.

The water part is easy. Buy a large cheap thermos and measure out 8 - 8 oz cups of water to put into it along with some ice. Take it to work and finish it off before the day is up.

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Day 1 - 3

Monday, May 23, 2011

Today is actually day 3 but I wanted to have a day one and two on my blog.

Day 1:

So today I recommitted myself to a healthy lifestyle. I exercised with my Cardio Max DVD and I worked an 8 hour shift at Wal-Mart. While I was there, I walked 17,777 steps! (480 calories burned) I didn't get the time to walk my poor little doggy but she'll get the chance later on this week.

I'm very pleased with the way I feel about my decision. If everything else falls apart in my life, I will know that this new lifestyle is right and it makes sense. Instead of feeling like it works against me when I'm upset or don't feel like moving, I should let it work for me. Exercise is a stress reliever that I, and everyone else in this world NEEDS to function at our best. :) The next time something goes wrong instead of turning to food, I'm going to turn to exercise. In fact, when I fight with my husband I've found that I do LESS stupid things when I just start cleaning something when I'm angry with him.

I've just recently found a new hobby: Preparing salad! I love the way all of the beautiful bright colors come together to make something healthy and wonderful! My mom let me use some of her garden fresh radishes and I bought a couple cucumbers at walmart on a price match [Very Cheap :D] I take this to work with me for lunch. MMMM it's so good, fresh, and healthy. I hope I never get tired of eating it because it provides so many good calories and servings of vegetables that I'm not so sure I would get if I didn't eat salad. D: Another great thing about salad is just adding one different ingredient changes the taste dramatically! Lesson number 1 here:

Salads are wonderful, portable, delicious, and nutritious lunch/dinners!

DAY 2:

Saturday...Hmmmm. This day wasn't as productive. I went to my mom's house and she has tons of GOOOOOOD food. It's terribly hard to say no to food that is staring you in the face. i was a little weak but I upheld myself enough to still end the day with a -500 calories. My biggest, biggest mistake was that extra cake treat. I still regret that! The good news is, I learned lesson number 2 from it:

When a little cake treat comes two in a package, be sure to give away the second one BEFORE you are finished eating the first one! emoticon

Also, I had planned to exercise when I got home from her house but I didn't end up having time to do so because we stayed there too late. Lesson number 3:

Exercise in the morning or something might pop up and make it impossible to get it done.

Day 3:

That's today! Right now, day 3 has only just begun! I slept in pretty late this morning because I didn't want to exercise! Oh No's! The worst part is, I still haven't gotten up to do so. But as I imagined, this blog entry has helped me tremendously! Why would I want to waste all the effort of the past few days just so I didn't have to exercise!?! Besides, today is Monday and if I don't start the week RIGHT, there's a good chance I won't start it at all! D:

Lesson number 4:

Blogging is a great way to keep yourself on track, motivated, and accountable. If I have to tell you all every mistake I make, I'm much less likely to make that mistake!

I do have a pretty good plan for today. I have the day off so I won't be getting an astronomical amount of steps in. :(

1.) As soon as I stop typing this blog, turn on my Cardio Max DVD and hop to it!
2.) Shower and get ready to stat the wonderful day!
3.) Start the laundry
4.) Take Coco for a 30 minute walk.
5.) If it's not raining, hang the laundry out, if it is to the dryers!
6.) Do my 10 minute sculpting exercises.
7.) Clean house--Dust, vacuum, put the laundry up, clean my closet and my backpack!
8.) Coco needs a bath!
9.) Maybe I'll cook a super healthy supper! :D

That's a pretty busy schedule! I'll let you know tonight if it all gets done or I added some things. :p See you cats later.

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BRENDA_2012 5/23/2011 4:17PM

    I like the to do list!!!! emoticon

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MISSFORTE 5/23/2011 2:18PM

    This is awesome! keep pluging away--funny when husband and I fight is when I clean the best! emoticon

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4EVERFIT011 5/23/2011 2:15PM

    You are doing well! Keep up the work you are putting in and you will meet your goal.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DEBTEVELDAHL 5/23/2011 1:14PM

    Good luck with your journey. It sounds as if blogging is a tremendous help for you. Just know that there are lots of us out here doing the same thing that you are and we are all here to help each other. emoticon emoticonDeb

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Day .5

Friday, May 20, 2011

I was going to title is this Day one, but some things got in my way. :(

Today, was pretty awesome. I dug out my dusty exercise DVD and burned some major calories! I cleaned my house and my neighbors and got a good burn going there too. Overall, I was pretty thrilled with my day. Except at the end after all that work I was STARVING. The problem was, according to my plan, I wasn't supposed to eat anything but a pudding cup and I was positive that wasn't going to help much.

My husband tried to call me while I was cleaning the neighbors house and I didn't know. He got worried about me and didn't pick up the stuff we needed for the house before coming home. When he got home he was hungry too so we decided to go to Taco Bell and get something to eat. I could have made a better choice but the food smelled so good and I got a number 2 and enjoyed the hell out of it. Unfortunatly, now I feel all full and bad. :( I hate this feeling. I never want to feel like this again. So from now on, I'm going to make better choices! I just have to.

Luckily, the good outweighs the bad for today. Even though I made a bad choice, I still have a calorie differential of 500! Yay! I'm not thrilled with my choices so this will be Day .5 tomorrow, Day 1 will be much better. :D

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GABBY2876 5/20/2011 12:28AM

    I agree to take it one day at a time. Heck, if you need to take it one meal at a time. Having a bad meal in the morning doesn't have to ruin your whole day just as one bad day doesn't have to ruin your week. You will do wonderfully. Enjoy your journey and smile everyday.

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ALICIAT32 5/20/2011 12:25AM

    don't beat yourself up, you didn't do too bad. tomorrow, take another step forward. just do it one day at a time, and get better each day.

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Schools out for the Summer!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I just wanted to share with everyone that school is OUT! I'm FREE! I aced all of the my classes and made the President's List again this semester. I'm pretty proud of myself, btw.

Getting down to business:

Now that school is out I'm going to have LOTS more ME time! In this ME time, I want to get back into the habit of consistent diet and exercise. I know I've said this a bunch the past few months but now I've finally got a good opportunity with all this time on my hands! As I'm sure you know for every good intention comes a PLAN. I thought, this blog would be a great place to sort out my little plan.

I haven't decided if I'm going to change my avilibility at Wal-Mart or not. Hmmm...that makes a huge difference in my plan. Perhaps, I could change it so I always have PLENTY of time to get my exercise and diet in BEFORE work. So from 12 on or something. (Good idea, cassie)


I joined the spark team Spring Boot Camp or something like that. Their plan indicates that I should do 10 minutes of Strength training and 30 minutes of Cardio 5 times a week.

MONDAY-FRIDAY: 30 Minutes of Cardio in the morning and 10 minutes of strength training in the evening. Cardio will be my Biggest Loser Cardio Max DVD. And the Strength Training will be on Spark People. If there is me, I'd like to add a little walk with the dog. Also, I'll use my free time to pick up the house and keep it CLEAN! Also, I'll be working at Wal-Mart where lots of walking is required! :D

SATURDAY-SUNDAY: These will be my rest days. However, I've noticed that after my rest days it's pretty hard to go back to work and exercise on Monday. So I KNOW that in order to keep this up, I'll need to commit to some lower intensity workouts. I plan to walk the dog for at least 20 minutes on both of these days or maybe play some Kinect or something. (Comment if you have any other ideas!)

As far as food goes, I'm going to eat my normal breakfast: Toast, peanut butter, and jam. Lunch will be more elaborate because I'll be home in the afternoons. I'll try to fix something supper-like. As far as real supper goes, I'm going to eat a salad, fiber bar, and an apple for supper. Because I work in the evenings, I must pack my lunch. Packing a salads will be delicious, fast, and VERY healthy!

Now that I have plan, I'm going to stick with it all summer long. I want to try to lose about 20-30 pounds this summer. That will bring me down to about 160-150. My overall goal is 140! So I'd have only about 10 pounds to lose during the school year. Which is actually a pretty big goal. Because school is so hectic, I'm afraid I'll fall right off the wagon again. Hopefully, I'll learn enough about myself this summer that I can find new ways to make it easier on me this winter. Wish me luck!

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BUSYGRANNY5 5/18/2011 7:23AM

    Congratulations on finishing a year of school and for having a plan... a plan keeps us focused!!!

Have a great day!

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MICKAELAP 5/18/2011 12:17AM

    Keep up the good work, you will succeed:-)

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