Thursday, February 06, 2014
I just watched a clip from "The Biggest Loser" and saw stills of the latest winner. I've never watched the show, because of not having a TV and also because I think it fosters unhealthy mindsets in people (I know it would in me). The winner looks skeletal, and it's shocking. I watched everyone going crazy cheering and clapping for her, and she looks ecstatic. It makes me really mad!
From about the age of 14, I've felt that I wasn't good enough because I didn't match the Hollywood ideal. At that point, I weighed 114 pounds. I dieted over and over again, and over and over again I had a boomerang reaction of eating everything in sight. Nothing worked. I still feel I have to match that Hollywood ideal! I FEEL that way, while at the same time it makes me furious to think what our cultural obsession with thinness has done to generations of women (and now it's starting with men, too). I was in an eating-disorders group once that had several suffering from anorexia. Their skeletons under the skin were all too apparent. One said that she started starving herself because of comments from her peers. It was incredibly revealing and terrible. Although I've never had anorexia or bulemia, I could identify so strongly with the feelings of those young girls.
Now I HAVE to lose weight because of a bunch of health problems caused or made worse by my weight. I've recently had another lovely little discovery -- my shortness of breath is probably caused by a heart thing that the cardiologist minimized so much that I actually forgot about it after he told me the results of my echocardiograms: grade 1 diastolic dysfunction. It's common in people as they age, but the main symptom (if there are any) is shortness of breath on exertion -- exactly what I have. My regular doc was the one who told me that it's related to general deconditioning and high blood pressure, even borderline blood pressure, which is what I have.
I have to come to terms with this whole eating and weight mess. It almost feels like a day of reckoning is here. I don't want to foster that sick obsession with being thin and beautiful that has haunted me all my adult life. I'm completely fed up with with the diet/eat-everything-in-sight cycle. I'd go back to OA, but it does trigger the obsession in me.
Anyway, just writing this out and venting!
Saturday, November 30, 2013
I've been feeling a little bit discouraged lately because I'm not sticking to the food plan the nutritionist gave me as well as I was. I've been feeling, once again, like I can't do it. But lately I've been hearing, from a couple of different sources, how important it is to tell myself I CAN do it. I've done other things that were just as hard, and I can do this.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Tomorrow I turn 65, and I want it to really be the first day of the rest of my life (as they say!). I'd like to live the rest of my life fully, and not be ruled by fear. I'd like to treat my body with respect and if I'm afraid to be my best, I'd like to make the commitment to work through that fear.
I want to enjoy my life, do things I've wanted but been afraid to do, and find new experiences that fascinate me and engage my mind, spirit, and emotions.
I want to be my own person. I've been working toward that for many years; I've made progress, but at this point in my life I want to concentrate on it. I also want to make more connections with other humans (and animals! but the human part I find really hard, being an introvert).
I want to deepen my spiritual life. In that context, I vow to meditate five times a week, incorporate more mindfulness into my daily life, and read Buddhist and other spiritual material. I don't have to devote hours daily to all this, but just do a little bit and be regular.
I would like to work toward ending mindless eating and incorporate mindfulness into that, too. I'm already working on this, and I vow to keep it up.
So that's a lot! But I decided to write it all out and aim for it, even if I'm not perfect. As we say in a group I belong to, "We aim for spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection" (paraphrasing).
My all beings be happy, including me!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Coach Dean suggests writing a vision statement for why you want to lose weight and be healthy, so here's mine.
I would like to be fit and healthy, and at an appropriate, attractive weight for me, because -- well, this is horrible -- the first thing that comes to mind is "because I want to look good. I don't want to be the frumpy-looking person I've become." I don't really like that motivation, but I have to be honest and admit that it's my strongest one. Maybe I should just go with it?
It was such a feeling of exhilaration a year ago to see myself in the mirror at the gym in the step class, and to realize how really great I looked, and how free it felt to be able to fly over and around the board and not pant and struggle as I do now. I guess I felt free. I also felt scared, as SO many people told me how wonderful I looked. I felt very much exposed and conspicuous, and probably vulnerable.
So probably part of my psyche doesn't want to lose weight. Part of me wants to be "safe" and stay in the back of the cave. But the part that does want to lose weight is making a really big stink!
Though I'm scared, I do want to live my life fully. I don't have to lose weight to do that, but I think I'm ready to be out of the prison of compulsive eating and excess weight.
I want to live a high-quality life as I get older, without the illnesses and handicaps that unhealthy eating can bring.
I want to deal with the emotional weights that have dragged me down all these years, and that I kept stuffed down by eating compulsively.
Friday, December 10, 2010
I'm starting the "Mind over Body" program on SP -- it looks like exactly what I need to help me overcome emotional eating, which is my biggest hurdle. To that end, I'm following Coach Dean's instructions and writing stuff down for the first step of the program, which is to "Put the I Back Into Your Vocabulary" -- make "I" statements, instead of blaming others for problems with establishing healthy habits.
My problem statement: Under stress, I turn to food for comfort. I feel as if I have no resistance and outside forces are taking over my body and making me do it. When I hear about being "addicted" to compulsive eating or certain foods, that seems to feed into the helpless feeling.
Why I think this happens: Using compulsive behavior or "substances" to alleviate emotional pain or anxiety is a pattern I've had all my life. I smoked; I stopped smoking. I drank; I stopped drinking. After I stopped drinking, I started substituting compulsive eating (I had already had a problem with it, but it got worse after I got sober). I'm so much into this pattern that it's going to be a whole psychic and life change to break out of it. But I think the time has come. The consequences of my compulsive eating are starting to bear down on me.
Analysis: I know the problem statement does use the word "I," and it comes from my perspective, but it describes my assumption that I have no innate strength and have to give in to the forces that I feel are buffeting me around and making me eat when my body has no need for food. I think I need to switch to a different perspective, and work from the assumption that I CAN make choices for myself. I'm not helpless. I've done it before. I just need to figure out how to access that strength.
My therapist says, "You're stronger than you think you are."
My sister says that the adult part of me can do this. I don't have to be ruled by the scared child, though I do have to acknowledge her and let her recover and integrate into my adult.
I'll tell myself these things when I'm tempted to eat for any reason other than hunger.
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