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when its time to take a step back and look

Thursday, January 26, 2012

THERE CAME A TIME WHERE I HAD TO STEP BACK AND SEE. WHAT I MEAN IS. THERE IS A TIME WHEN YOU NEED TO TAKE ME TIME. THINGS IN MY LIFE WERE GETTING OUT OF CONTROL. SO I HAD TO STOP AND SEE WHAT CAN BE DONE.

WELL THERE IS SOME THINGS YOU DON;T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THE OTHER PERSON. BUT YOU CAN;T HELP OTHERS IF THEY DON;T WANT ANY HELP.SO I HAD TO DECIDE IF I SHOULD WALK AWAY. OR TRY ONE MORE TIME.

SO WHAT I DID WAS ; I TOLD THIS PERSON I LOVE YOU. BUT I WON;T STAND BY AND WATCH YOU KILL YOURSELF. IF YOU WANT HELP I HELP YOU GET HELP.WELL AT FIRST I WAS CALLED EVERY DIRTY NAME IN THE BOOK. AND PROBLEY THEM SOME.WELL A FAMILY MEMBER DIED.

THAT'S WHAT GOT THIS PERSON TO ASK FOR HELP. BECAUSE I WAS SITTING AT THE CONPUTOR. LOOKING AT PICTURE OF THE DEAD FAMILY MEMBER. WITH TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY FACE.WHEN THIS PERSON WALKED IN THE ROOM; AND SEEM ME CRYING MY EYES OUT. THEY ASKED ME WHAT IS WRONG. I TOLD THEM THEIR FAMILY MEMBER JUST PASSED AWAY.

BUT THAT WASN;T WHAT WAS MAKING ME CRY. INSTEAD OF SEEING THE FAMILY MEMBER FACE. I WAS SEEING THIS PERSON WHO NEEDED THE HELP. WHEN THEY SEEN HOW MUCH PAIN I WAS GOING THRU. SO THEY ASKED ME AND OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS TO PLEASE HELP THEM GET HELP.

DON;T GET ME WRONG. DURING THEIR HELP TIME. THERE WAS SOME NAME CALLING. BUT WE DIDN;T TURN OUR BACKS ON HIM.I HAPPY TO SAY THE;VE BEEN CLEAN NOW FOR 3 MONTHS ALMOST 4.THIS PERSON HAD QUIT GOING TO FRIENDS. WELL WHAT THEY CALLED FRIENDS. HE SEE;S NOW THEY REALLY WEREN;T HIS TRUE FRIENDS. WHEN THEY SEEN HE WOULDN;T GO WITH THEM AND PARTY ANYMORE./ THEY JUST QUIT COMING AROUND.

NOW WERE WORKING ON HEALING. TRYING NOT TO REMEMBER ALL THE BAD TIMES. BECAUSE BEFORE ALL THE TROUBLE . WE WERE TRUE FRIENDS.WHEN HE SEEN I DIDN;T GIVE UP ON THEM.THAT MY LOVE WAS STRONG.


BUT THE REAL REASON IS I PRAYED TO GOD. TO HELP ME DECIDE WHAT TO DO. ALL I DID WAS WHAT GOD WANTED ME TO DO.IF ANYTHING OUR FAITH IS STRONGER.IF ALL ELSE FAILS TURN TO GOD.


I ALSO HAVE A NEW GRANDSON. ALTHOUGH I HAVEN;T SEEN HIM. HE WAS BORN A FEW DAYS BEFORE THANKSGIVING.HE LIVES IN OREGON. AND I LIVE IN CALIFORNIA..AT FIRST I WAS TO SICK TO SEE HIM. BECAUSE HE WAS BORN 2 MONTHS TO EARLY. HE ONLY WEIGHTED 4 LBS, HE WAS A LITTLE GUY. PLUS IT WAS TOUCH AND GO WITH HIM FOR A WHILE. BUT THE LITTLE GUY IS A FIGHTER. SO HE;S DOING GOOD. AT LEAST ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS TELL ME.
WHY WE DON;T SEE HIM IS. I;M AFRAID IF WE GO SEE HIM . THE PERSON I HELPED WILL FALL BACK .SO WE STAY AWAY FROM ALL TEMPTATION.BUT MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER IS REALLY UPSET WITH ME.
PLUS PART OF THE PROBLEM WAS. THIS PERSON PUT US IN A WHOLE LOT OF DEBT. IT HAS TAKEN ME ALL THIS TIME JUST TO SEE DAY LIGHT.
IF THIS MAKES ME A BAD GRANDMA. I JUST PRAY MY GRANDSON WILL UNDER STAND THAT I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH. I WAS ILL FOR 2 MONTHS, THE DOCTOR PUT ME ON 9 DIFFERENT ANTIBIOTICS BEFORE HE FOUND THE RIGHT ONE.

NOW I;M DEALING WITH MY BI-POLAR. I;M IN THE STAGE WHERE I CAN;T SLEEP. AND IF I DO FALL ASLEEP. ITS ONLY FOR A FEW HOURS THAN I;M UP AGAIN.MY HUSBAND CAN;T UNDER STAND HOW I STAY UP LIKE I DO. I;VE TALKED TO MY DOCTOR. BUT THERE ISN;T REALLY ANY MEDS TO HELP ME. BECAUSE I;M ALLERGIC TO SO MANY OF THEM.

I STAY ON MY CONPUTOR A LOT. BEEN PLAYING GAMES MOSTLY. DURING THE DAY I TRY TO GO FOR WALKS. WHEN THE WEATHER PERMITS IT. I HAVEN;T LOSS ANY WEIGHT, IF ANY THING I;VE GAINED BACK 5LBS. BUT I;M NOT COMPLAINING. BECAUSE THAT REALLY ISN;T TO BAD.

BEEN WORRIED ABOUT THE FAMILY MEMBERS DAUGHTER . THE ONE THAT PASSED AWAY. SHE;S BEEN ON FACEBOOK. TALKING ABOUT SOME REALLY DARK STUFF. WE;VE BEEN TRYING TO GET HER TO REACH OUT FOR HELP. BUT SHE WON;T. SO I;M TURNING IT OVER TO GOD. I JUST PRAY IT WON;T BE TO LATE;

I WANT TO THANK YOU . FOR LETTING ME GET ALL THIS OFF MY CHEST.I;VE BEEN KEEPING ALL THIS IN FOR OVER A YEAR.

SO MY GOAL FOR THIS YEAR IS TO WORK ON MY MENTAL STATUS. AND NOT WORRY ABOUT MY WEIGHT. I THINK YOU NEED TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. OR ALL THIS WOULD BE FORE NOTHING.

SO IF YOU HAVE SOMEONE YOU LOVE. WHO HAS LOST THEIR WAY. DON;T GIVE UP ON THEM. JUST BE THERE FOR THEM TO HELP THEM COME BACK HOME.
I;M NOT SAYING HELP THEM DESTROY THEMSELF. BUT LOVE THEM. I HAD TO CUT THE PURSE TRINGS AND SAY NO MORE.
BUT TODAY ITS ALL OK. I;M ALMOST ALL CAUGHT UP. BY NEXY PAYDAY I WILL BE OUT OF DEBT.

AND I GIVE GOD ALL THE GLORY. AND THE TOOLS I LEARN FROM HERE TO KEEP MY SANTIE.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUCCESS44 2/29/2012 3:45PM

    You are a strong woman, and your faith in God is strong. You will know the path to take, he will lead you.

I will pray for you and that you get to see your grandson soon, once you are well enough to travel...

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NATPLUMMER 1/26/2012 12:19PM

    emoticon

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KKKAREN 1/26/2012 9:08AM

    We're here for you!!

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starting all over

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

i;m starting all over in more than one way. starting over in a different town and state.my oldest daughter took my last place. went on vacation and came back and found all my stuff outside. some of it was damage or taken. so i packed our stuff that wasn;t ruined. and moved back to california.
i love the weather here better anyway.

our youngest daughter was just married. plus she is exspecting in dec a boy. plus we also found out our youngest son and his girl friend are exspecting a girl in dec. so i get 2 brand new grand babys for christmas.

had to start meds again. due to all the excitement . my oldest daughter done to me. witch has caused me to put on 10 lbs emoticon.

so i;m working harder on my journey. although i;m exercising more this month. the scale still isn;t moving. so i decided i won;t look at the darn thing intil my next dr. appointment at the end of the month.

scales may not be moving. but inches are. so i rewarded my self. with some brand new furnature. at least they won;t end up on my hips. emoticon.

i;m drinking more water. and eating a lot of fruit and veggies. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

also been doing more emoticon tryed this but water and i don;t do good emoticontim and i are walking most evenings thru are little town.at least the old part of it. it normally takes us a good hour.

i know its been a while since i blogged. and checked in with most of the teams. but i hhad to take a break. and deside what was more inportant in my life. so i desided i;ll stay awat from people or family that are negative. put my needs before others for a change.doing more planning ahead.
i put some apples up for winter. my neighbor brought them over to me.so we;ll have apple pie this winter.

tim has lost over 25lbs. but again they aren;t messing around with his meds.like they with me.

i hope everyone is doing good. and i know this is long .so i;m sorry for that

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HANOVERLADY 12/13/2011 6:00PM

    Good job on all that walking! It sounds like it's a nice way to get to know your new town. Enjoy spoiling those new grandbabies - sounds like a great Christmas present!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NATPLUMMER 9/6/2011 10:30AM

    emoticon

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ENDUROVET 9/6/2011 10:28AM

    Despite all my attempts to "hide" it, I keep pulling that damn scale out of the closet & proving to myself that nope, nothing has changed!

But the good habits have got to help anyway - hang in there!

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KKKAREN 9/6/2011 9:11AM

    I'm glad you made a move to a happy place. Congrats on your grandkids coming. I plan on moving out to CA myself so I can be close to mine. Keep up the good work on your health.

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DEBTEVELDAHL 9/6/2011 8:07AM

    Congratulations on becoming a Grandparent again.!! How exciting, two of them in one month. I just had my second grand baby on May 20th of this year. Keep up the good positive attitude. It sounds as if you have been through the ringer, but you can overcome. emoticon emoticoneffort. emoticon Debi T.

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IAM_HIS2 9/6/2011 7:54AM

    Hurray for you!! You turned a bad thing into a positive!! A new adventure, a new beginning and a new chapter of life is all ours!!!

So happy that you are going to be a grandmother--wow, a boy and a girl!! Now if that isn't a sign of being blessed, I don't know what is. Now it is your time to enjoy your life! Go forward and enjoy everyday!!

Comment edited on: 9/6/2011 7:55:51 AM

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EGWHITE 9/6/2011 5:38AM

    Glad you had somewhere to go. Looks as if you have a winner's spirit! Will be prayerful for you today.

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LOSTLIME 9/6/2011 5:33AM

    It looks like you have had some rough days. But hang in there, it will get better. Congrats on your son and daughter going to be parents! Grandchildren make everything worthwhile. I will keep you
in my thoughts and prayers. Have a good day!

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pitty party here i come

Monday, May 23, 2011

today is all wrong. no matter what i say to tim. its all wrong. i can say its a nice pretty day. he;ll say its hailing.i can ask would you like food. he;ll say no you might put something in it. witch is way wrong.
when he gets this way all he wants is a devorce.i guess when you here it anough. its starting to sound like a good idea..
what pisses me off is. a few weeks ago i had over 10;000 dollar in hand. when i had that money he wanted to be my best friend. now that he;s gone thru it. i;m a no good B-TCH.
thats my life. when i have something they need or want. i;m the best. now that i;m busted . its time to throw me away.

only good thing is . i do have another law suit worth 50;000. this time i;m going to buy me a place. so no man can tell me to leave again.funny thing about this is. this is my 2nd home in a short time..he can keep it. i;m going back to california where people there loves me just for me.

i just wish i could stop emoticon emoticon.but again my emoticonis broken. just a couple of weeks ago he wanted us to renew our emoticon,but now i don;t know. hell i;m his 4th wife. and i;m still waiting for my wedding ring,
i just wish he;d check himself back in to mental health. becauase he;s blaming me for him cracking up. but again going by tim its all my fault he;s the way he; is.

i do know one thing i will not stay in a relationship where i;m not wanted.

sorry this is so long. but like i said earlier. i;m dealing with s broken emoticonand i can;t stop emoticon

just got more bad news my coucin has stage 4 cancer in the throat . noy giving him much time to live. whats even worce his wife has cerval cancer. when is this going to stop. i don;t need any more bad news

i guess i feel love is just a myth. i here i love you. but again in the same breath i here your no good. so what is it. am i bad person. or am i a stepping stone. i want to be loved just for me the way i am. i;m not perfect i have faults. why can;t i be loved for faults and all

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HANOVERLADY 6/10/2011 1:59PM

    emoticon

How are you and Tim doing?

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VXWALL1942 5/24/2011 1:23PM

    Prayers for you Tammy, that Tim may be healed and your heart also.

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ENDUROVET 5/24/2011 12:44PM

    Your post touched my heart... (I just wandered over bcz I wanted to join your Crockpot group!)
But please know you are not alone - I don't post about any of my marital troubles on SP although I have been known to blow off steam re: Ex ;-)
I save that for other places but SP is for ME!

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SUCCESS44 5/24/2011 12:58AM

    I am so sorry. You are a beautiful person, I know it and I hope you know it. You know what is in your heart and what your limits are. Take it one day at a time. I will send prayers and positive thoughts your way.

emoticon emoticon

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GRANDCRACKER 5/24/2011 12:53AM

    i need to clear something up. they are checking for colan cancer tomorrow. he just told me. thats why he;s so grumpy. he was trying to keep it to him self. it just came out. several hours after i wrote this blog.
he is scared to dealth.he thought he was protecting from any more bad news. but he saw that it was hurting me more not knowing emoticonfor coming when i needed some one to listen

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CAROLFAITHWALKR 5/23/2011 10:35PM

    Sounds like he's the one who's no good. Sorry, I don't know either of you; but I'd be pissed off too. And put the 50K in a separate bank account.

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NATPLUMMER 5/23/2011 10:15PM

    emoticon

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JUSTJUSTY 5/23/2011 7:56PM

    This is not a pity party this is a cry for help. I am here, we are all here for you. Find strength in yourself. Love yourself, ask for help. You ARE LOVEABLE! There are so many here that know that, it's time for you to realize it. Email me if you want to talk. emoticon

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GRANDCRACKER 5/23/2011 6:33PM

    ya i;ve thought about that to

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SOFTVELVETEEN 5/23/2011 6:25PM

    You probably dont want to hear this but i think you should take you 50000 and run like the devil is after you if he is treating you like this no wonder he is on his 4th wife you need to keep yourself safe you are important you matter take care of yourself otherwise you will not be able to take care of others

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DISP715 5/23/2011 5:57PM

    Oh Honey, I'm so sorry. I don't know you or your story, but, from your blog I can't help but think that you clearly don't think you are worthy of love and respect. What do you want? What do you think you deserve? Love yourself first, the rest is a piece of cake. Sending you MAJOR hugs!

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things are so so

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

i;m still dealing with the no surgry. plus i;ve been fighting the flu.were also waiting for our moble home to be put togather.it would of been togather. but someone stole our bricks. so now were on hold.

good news our youngest daughter is exspecting her first baby. we;ll have a december baby.

today were having a thunder storm going thru. i;m so ready for summer to come. i;m so sick of winter.

during the week end od may 3-- 5 we went to the oregon coast. it was really nice then. i wonder were the sun is not here

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NATPLUMMER 5/17/2011 10:38PM

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bad news

Thursday, April 14, 2011

today wasn;t a good day. went to doctor for a follow up. and i recieved bad news. i was told if i didn;t have back surgry i could in up in a wheel chair the rest of my life. than in the same breath she told me. if i do the surgry i;ll end up in a wheel chair. and she won;t take the chance on the surgry. because its to close to my spine.
so on the way home . i did a lot of crying emoticon.so no matter what i do its the same results.i really had high hopes on this and got shot down.
last week end i saw my new granddaughter for the first me. she weighs 16lbs. when i tryed to pick her up . i all most fell wi her. i couldn; even hold my 5 month old granddaughter.so again i cryed on the way home emoticon.
tim told me we;ll just take everyday as it comes. i jus didn; want to be in a wheel chair for the rest of my life. because my mom was when my children were little.and i didn;t want the same faith for my grand children.
i guess with a prayer and my family we;ll get thru his he best we can.but a still can;t sop the tears emoticon.so i;m going to take my klotipan. and hope tomorrow is a better day

thanks for letting me get this off my chest emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTJUSTY 5/18/2011 4:05AM

    emoticon

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POETANDMORE 4/29/2011 9:42AM

    You may be surprised. How God does answer our prayers. I will definately say extra prayers for you. We all love you!

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TWINNYGRAN 4/19/2011 4:41AM

    Hi, how are you today? I hope you are feeling much better. You are in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon

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BIKERCHICK1450 4/18/2011 11:14PM

    So sorry, dear, I hope that as you continue to lose weight it will help a little. I know that some injuries are just that... no matter that your weight. But, it can't hurt to keep on trying and looking forward. I'll keep you in my prayers!

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RONNIE0404 4/18/2011 8:20PM

    Sorry about the bad news. I wish you the best and am sending prayers your way. emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/18/2011 8:22:56 PM

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SANDYDOLLAR201 4/15/2011 5:37PM

    So sorry about your news, praying for you emoticon

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HANOVERLADY 4/15/2011 1:46PM

    I'm so sorry to hear your news. You are fortunate to have a great hubby like Tim. One day at a time, especially with him to support you, sounds like the way to go. Let us know if there's anything we can do. Keeping you in my thoughts.

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CAROLJEAN64 4/15/2011 10:34AM

    emoticon
We are with you in whatever way we can be.
I just read the article I am inserting the link for. It may help with your thoughts.
www.realage.com/tips/reduce-s
tress-through-the-power-of-posi
tive-thinking?eid=1098945007&me
mberid=29700887

I trust the source.

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 4/15/2011 4:24AM

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
HUGS
Pam

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MSTIGGERFAN 4/14/2011 7:18PM

    I am so sorry for you news and will be praying God shows you the right way to go.

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VXWALL1942 4/14/2011 4:42PM

    Praying for strength for you. Take it one day at a time. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to be anything but tomorrow. Perhaps you will be mobile for a lot longer than you think. My grandkids know they can crawl on Gramma even if I can't pick them up. We find ways to share with them. Keep the faith.

vicki

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GRANDCRACKER 4/14/2011 2:30PM

    this doctor is my 3rd doctor. and its all the same. thanks for your support emoticon

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OVERBURDEND 4/14/2011 8:57AM

    I'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers go to out to you for strength to deal with it all! Always Always get a second option.
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FITFABJENN 4/14/2011 8:10AM

    I am so sorry to hear about your news, but I do agree with others who urge you to get a second opinion. Please take care of yourself and seek support.

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NATPLUMMER 4/14/2011 7:15AM

    emoticon

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BECKYR16 4/14/2011 5:14AM

    I'm so sorry to hear that! I pray that you'll have strength to deal with whatever comes. Maybe it will never get as bad as the doctor said?

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RORYLYONS 4/14/2011 4:02AM

    My thoughts & prayers go out to you. Always get a second opinion on this. emoticon

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UNCOMMONANGEL 4/14/2011 3:41AM

    Get a second opinion. Let somebody else with a fresh perspective wrap their head around your bad problems. Maybe this isn't the only alternative there is... maybe your doctor missed something, or hadn't yet heard of a new option. No ONE person knows EVERYTHING there is to know. :) Good luck! *Hugs*

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SLIMMERKIWI 4/14/2011 3:29AM

    My Mum was told about 20 years ago that she would be in a wheel chair fairly soon (stenosis of the spine and arthritis) - she is 90 this year and still waiting for the wheel chair - hasn't had spine surgery, only both hips replaced.

When my older grandson was born I was unable to pick him up, BUT I could happily hold him if someone picked him up and gave him to me. There ARE ways around it.

If you DO end up in a wheel chair, don't despair re the little children. I know a lot of little children who absolutely LOVED riding on Grandma or Grandpa's lap while they were in a chair. (I was a care-giver for the elderly and disabled, so saw quite a bit of it.)

I'm sending really good, strong vibes your way.
Take care,
Kris xx

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SUCCESS44 4/14/2011 3:06AM

    I am sorry to hear about your bad news from the doctor. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and take things one day at a time!
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TWINNYGRAN 4/14/2011 2:17AM

    So sorry to read about your awful situation. I will pray you will be given the strength to cope with this. emoticon

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